Friday evening drew to a close and I was heaving a sigh of relief at the thought of a long weekend when I got THE DREADED MAIL from boss.
You are fired!!!
Or so I hoped it would say. But no such luck :( It simply said what it had to say:
Please submit your budgetary requirements for the next quarter by Tuesday and avoid allocation at my discretion.
“Allocation at my discretion” are words that sends a chill down our collective spines. It is THE MOST HORRIBLE words that we hope never to hear. Last time Boss allocated funds at his discretion, the allocation was so paltry that I had to do a belly dance routine to pay off the ad agency bills and the Event Management people hired me part time as flame thrower to pay off their bills. My colleague Narasimhan had to sell a kidney to host a Dealers Conference and another colleague Subbulakshmi had to pledge her womb for surrogate motherhood to pay off a Training Programme she had organized. Those were trying times indeed and we all learnt that going for a stroll and innumerable coffee breaks when we are asked to do our budgets can have some very unpleasant side effects indeed.
After some quick calculation I realized that if I didn’t get nifty and make my budget then I would have to carry out “at least”....
1. Two bank heists
2. One train robbery
3. One grand larceny
4. A couple of cat burglaries
5. and some pick pocketing in a BMTC bus
....to be able to survive the next quarter.
This piece of information gave me the necessary encouragement to make my budget in time. It also gave me a rough idea of my money requirements. So I sat down and like a good girl made my expenditure list in an Excel file complete with graphs. ( it wasn’t necessary but when Excel 2007 helps you make pretty graphs in pretty colors why shouldn’t you use it? Personally I would like to put in some flowers and teddy bears and birds etc. Microsoft please note!!)
Approximately two and a half second later boss called up.
Boss: err….Silverine are we by any chance funding the US invasion of China?
Me: US invasion of China? But boss that is a remote possibility!!!!
Why can’t he just say “Not Approved!”? Grrr
I redid the entire budget and sent it again for his approval!
Boss: Are you by any chance preparing the budget for Nagaland and Manipur and the Andaman and Nicobar Islands!!!
Me: Why would I?
Boss: My thoughts exactly !!
Guess he means “not approved”. I carefully slashed a couple of zeroes here and there by the 'eeenie meenie minie mo' method and sent the file again for Boss's approval.
Boss : Wow!! Silverine, is our next team outing on the QE2? And...is it really necessary that we are all flown to the QE2 in private jets?
Well I must admit the last figures did look like I was planning on a team outing on the QE2 *sigh* So I did a modest recounting of my money requirements and sent the file again to the boss!
Boss: aaarrrrgghhhh!! *thud*
Finally after much consulting with experienced people in the team I made what looked like a really threadbare cheap shoe string budget which was instantly approved!!
Now only if I can learn...
1) Pole Dancing wearing a Nuns costume
2) To stand still against a wooden wheel in a Mallika Sherawath costume while a blindfolded man throws twelve sharps knives at me to make my silhouette
3) Hold an apple on my head while another blindfolded guy shoots an arrow at the apple
4) Exotic Dancing while carrying three trays of wine of my head
5) And Sky diving in a chicken outfit
…then I might just be able to make ends meet this quarter. ‘Making ends meet’ reminds me, acrobatics in a lehenga choli is quite hot with the Jap tourists!! So am adding that to my list too.
And those of you who are sniggering behind my back, just remember, this is way better and more dignified than my colleague Balwinder Singh, who had to pose as a door to door salesman and rob unsuspecting housewives to pay for his Product Launches!