Monday, March 19, 2007

Making ends meet...creatively!

Friday evening drew to a close and I was heaving a sigh of relief at the thought of a long weekend when I got THE DREADED MAIL from boss.

Silverine,

You are fired!!!


Or so I hoped it would say. But no such luck :( It simply said what it had to say:

Team,

Please submit your budgetary requirements for the next quarter by Tuesday and avoid allocation at my discretion.


Allocation at my discretion” are words that sends a chill down our collective spines. It is THE MOST HORRIBLE words that we hope never to hear. Last time Boss allocated funds at his discretion, the allocation was so paltry that I had to do a belly dance routine to pay off the ad agency bills and the Event Management people hired me part time as flame thrower to pay off their bills. My colleague Narasimhan had to sell a kidney to host a Dealers Conference and another colleague Subbulakshmi had to pledge her womb for surrogate motherhood to pay off a Training Programme she had organized. Those were trying times indeed and we all learnt that going for a stroll and innumerable coffee breaks when we are asked to do our budgets can have some very unpleasant side effects indeed.

After some quick calculation I realized that if I didn’t get nifty and make my budget then I would have to carry out “at least”....

1. Two bank heists
2. One train robbery
3. One grand larceny
4. A couple of cat burglaries
5. and some pick pocketing in a BMTC bus

....to be able to survive the next quarter.

This piece of information gave me the necessary encouragement to make my budget in time. It also gave me a rough idea of my money requirements. So I sat down and like a good girl made my expenditure list in an Excel file complete with graphs. ( it wasn’t necessary but when Excel 2007 helps you make pretty graphs in pretty colors why shouldn’t you use it? Personally I would like to put in some flowers and teddy bears and birds etc. Microsoft please note!!)

Approximately two and a half second later boss called up.

Boss: err….Silverine are we by any chance funding the US invasion of China?
Me: US invasion of China? But boss that is a remote possibility!!!!
Boss: Exactly!!

Why can’t he just say “Not Approved!”? Grrr

I redid the entire budget and sent it again for his approval!

Boss: Are you by any chance preparing the budget for Nagaland and Manipur and the Andaman and Nicobar Islands!!!
Me: Why would I?
Boss: My thoughts exactly !!

Guess he means “not approved”. I carefully slashed a couple of zeroes here and there by the 'eeenie meenie minie mo' method and sent the file again for Boss's approval.

Boss : Wow!! Silverine, is our next team outing on the QE2? And...is it really necessary that we are all flown to the QE2 in private jets?
Me: err...No!
Boss: *whew*!!!

Well I must admit the last figures did look like I was planning on a team outing on the QE2 *sigh* So I did a modest recounting of my money requirements and sent the file again to the boss!

Boss: aaarrrrgghhhh!! *thud*

Finally after much consulting with experienced people in the team I made what looked like a really threadbare cheap shoe string budget which was instantly approved!!

Now only if I can learn...

1) Pole Dancing wearing a Nuns costume
2) To stand still against a wooden wheel in a Mallika Sherawath costume while a blindfolded man throws twelve sharps knives at me to make my silhouette
3) Hold an apple on my head while another blindfolded guy shoots an arrow at the apple
4) Exotic Dancing while carrying three trays of wine of my head
5) And Sky diving in a chicken outfit

…then I might just be able to make ends meet this quarter. ‘Making ends meet’ reminds me, acrobatics in a lehenga choli is quite hot with the Jap tourists!! So am adding that to my list too.

And those of you who are sniggering behind my back, just remember, this is way better and more dignified than my colleague Balwinder Singh, who had to pose as a door to door salesman and rob unsuspecting housewives to pay for his Product Launches!

43 comments:

Jay Sun said...

Lovely post...As always :)

Neihal said...

ROTFL!!!

when he is your boss how can he just say 'not approved'.... ;)

and while reading that list, I was thinking what all kind of nice ppl google will send your way soon.... :P

Jac said...

You have presented it nicely!!

Drifted from matt out of curiosity :) My first time here and I liked it.

Eagerly waiting for your decision in choosing a ritual, or all of it that you just mentioned .

As someone from the otherside of the Globe, I request your graceness to let me know when you will do the poll dance in a nun’s attire and where.

After all you have to do that one day to meet the budgetary shortfalls (thanks to your boss) as I may just get enough time to book my seat on a flight to India.

Basanti said...

LOL! Exactly waht I needed after a long day of auditing books of accounts! :-)

Alexis said...

ROFL...That is a great post. I could relate to your story as I had similar experiences. But they way you wrote it made is extra special and a wonderful read.

You could get any budget approved provided you know a few tips. Sorry, it is not free, you have pay 'gurudakshina' for those tips :-)

Fleiger said...

A cat-burglar who can belly-dance and flame-throw? You are being underutilized in the job, don't you think?

You do know what Dogbert says about recovering your "expenses" from office, don't you?

Jim said...

> one belly dance routine
Oh yay! Consider your financial woes over! ;-)

mathew said...

ROTFL!!you have a turned a staid encounter with the boss into one helluva blockbuster!!

And any excess budget could be deposited in 'bloggers welfare fund' of which I ll defintely take care of the treasury!! ;-P

kickbacks and be negotiated :-)

schizo said...

hey
if you ever do take up the item 1,4 and the lehenga choli thing, do tell us where its not the just japs who think the above interesting.

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

I think it's your extra skills that make the Boss disapprove your budget! Who wdn't like to watch a belly dance routine, a pole dance or a exotic dance with wine bottle and all the other stuff u mentioned! Try some other skills next time and maybe u wd end up MEETING the ends!

PS: Don't blame me if you meet ur END coz of this!

Nariyal Chutney said...

:) . This was too good . I face this all the time and instead of asking about India China invasion , my boss start giving bull shit :P . You can understand , the typical kind of bullshit that people give when they can't reject something or accept something.At the end of bullshit I always wonder what he said and what I should do next at the end of which I go back again with a new budget :(. Wish had some more options in addition to what you have mentioned :).

G said...

w000t!

Pole dancing in a Nun's outfit is a bad Habit indeed :P

Good stuff

Browser said...

Did you do the budget for my vegetable walla too? Going by the prices he charges me, it looks like someone pulled off a quick one on him :-)

Asterix said...

Still laughing hard! The image of a female blogger pole dancing in a nun's costume is a very funny one indeed!!

Next time you need any money, try charging people for reading your posts. That will be sufficient for eradicating hunger in Somalia and you will still have enough to buy a new lehenga choli ;-)

Jiby said...

lol...i just love your posts from work...i dont think anyone i know of in blogosphere can do such a funny, irreverent take on routine work stuff like you.

Synapse said...

silverine pole dancin should be a bigger gig than the iron maiden! i think that that would take care of the indian budget deficit also! :D

chips said...

Hey...great post. Just the thing to cheer u up during a hectic day at work.. :-)

quills said...

Silverine! You rock girl!!:)

That was one of the funniest posts I have read in a long time. :)

Cosmic Voices said...

Can I please try that apple shooting? Please. Please. I never got to hold a gun. Give me a chance no.....please.

Arun Jose said...

Hilarious! :-))

silverine said...

Jaysun: Thank you :)

neihal: Dreading the very thought of the 'nice people' Google will send my way :p

Jac:You have been added to my paid invitees list, but my money requirements may make me do aforementioned activites on the spur of the moment in which case I may not be able to give you advance notice :p
btw your profile pix is making me giddy!

basanti: :)

Alexis: Thank you!!! :)

fleiger: It's more of a underpaid and over utilised kinda situation here. btw what does dogbert say about recovering expenses?

Jim: That makes me feel so much better :p

mathew:"excess funds" man...that is music to my ears! This is the first time I am hearing this term :p

schizo: err I am talking of people who are interested and loaded ;)

abhi: I might meet my end at this rate :(

nariyal chutney: My boss has a nice sense of humor and is THE BEST BOSS in the world :)

G: Good one!!! Bad 'Habit' indeed :))

browser: Your vegetable vendor and my vendors all are one nefarious clique I tell you, which is why I have to resort to such desperate measures to pay their bills brrr I suggest you do the same :p

Asterix: naah how can I charge my chweetie pie blog pals to read my posts!! I will stick to pole dancing *sigh*

Jiby: Your comment made me realise how much I enjoy writing about work. This place is too nice to take pot shots at :(

synpase: Hope Chiddu uncle is reading this...and if he is then "Chiddu dearest...HIRE ME!!!" :))

Chips: Thank you dear :)

Quills: Hey nice to get a comment from you girl! :)

cosmic voices: Sure!!! First you let me have a go at you err I mean the apple on your head and if you survive then it is your turn! Deal?
:p

Arun: Thanks buddy! :)

Amooma said...

poor thing!
make that lehenga choli acrobatic act and the next pole dance ticketed. and advertise right here.
ur money worries will be over for good!!

Fleiger said...

I won't go in detail for the people who bloghop in office, but search for ISBN "0836217578" on amazon ;)

Hint: Pay for some expenses at other people/departments' expense ;)

Sandeep Sadanandan said...

i shall have some wine from the trays you have... and later try the shoot-the-apple deed.

deal?

nice post... as always... :)

arun antony said...

Love you da!

silverine said...

Amooma: Thanks for the marketing tip :p

Fleiger: er...selling mineral water bottles and printers and copiers just wont me make ends meet :(

sandeep: My first sale! Sure, just fork out 6 lacs ( my ad aegncy bill) and you are on a roll! :p

Arun: Thanks man :)

Fleiger said...

Why are you thinking so small? You must have conference halls/office building/food courts to rent...

And in worst case, try getting somebody from another department on your dinners/calls and make him pay for it (I don't need to tell you how).

Sanjay said...

Why do all these men need the blindfold?

You must be quite a distraction.

Blindfold the boss when he signs the vouchers instead!

accidental diva said...

Pole dancing wearing a nuns outfit...acrobatics in a lehenga choli...lol
u sure have a wild imagination:):)

u manage to make an everyday boring encounter with the boss super funny:)

hope and love said...

lol..!!
sylvie, u r the limit..!!
:))

shruti said...

ha ha .. I actually visualised u doing every thing u said ... so be careful girl ,,ur very good with words..rocking one as usual !!

Lisa Francisco said...

Funny, funny creative post! i love it!

Lisa

Lisa Francisco said...

Funny, funny post! I love it!!!! Nice way to be introduced to your site!

Lisa

aks said...

hey ur choices of an alternate option for paying up ur bills are really exquisite.....makes me wonder why u still working in tat "nothin less than hell" place..........

Rockus said...

LMAO!

btw...when you perform Item number 1 to raise the money, do give a notice... :-P

The Smiling Girl said...

I take up the responsibility of notifying Microsoft about your suggestion... You concentrate on those things.. :D

mathew said...

the kingdom of bloggerland asks silverine to stop belly dancing and start writing a blog!!!

lash said...

i wish you good luck in all those future endeavors (forget the spelling) of yours!

anup.777 said...

:) u always put a smile on my face ... thanks ... once again ... and congrats too!

have a gr8 weekend!

Cruel Intentions said...

Door to Door Salesman eh! Now that is one Balwinder Singh :()

Pawan said...

Well presented! Found your blog randomly but must say you have very good sense of humour and creativity to put day-to-day things in funny way. Will look forward to your Poll Dancing in Nun's dress :-)

Hammy said...

Loved the 'dialogues' with your boss.

Funding the invasion of China... may be bad PR, but it may get the job done..

:)

Priyanka said...

The replies from the boss are just too awesome :)