Happy 2nd Birthday to my blog!!

My blog turned two yesterday!! Thank you all you lovely people who dropped in here to read my ramblings. You guys are the best! *HUGS*

Making ends meet...creatively!

Friday evening drew to a close and I was heaving a sigh of relief at the thought of a long weekend when I got THE DREADED MAIL from boss.

Silverine,

You are fired!!!

Or so I hoped it would say. But no such luck :( It simply said what it had to say:

Team,

Please submit your budgetary requirements for the next quarter by Tuesday and avoid allocation at my discretion.


“Allocation at my discretion” are words that sends a chill down our collective spines. It is THE MOST HORRIBLE words that we hope never to hear. Last time Boss allocated funds at his discretion, the allocation was so paltry that I had to do a belly dance routine to pay off the ad agency bills and the Event Management people hired me part time as flame thrower to pay off their bills. My colleague Narasimhan had to sell a kidney to host a Dealers Conference and another colleague Subbulakshmi had to pledge her womb for surrogate motherhood to pay off a Training Programme she had organized. Those were trying times indeed and we all learnt that going for a stroll and innumerable coffee breaks when we are asked to do our budgets can have some very unpleasant side effects indeed.

After some quick calculation I realized that if I didn’t get nifty and make my budget then I would have to carry out “at least”....

1. Two bank heists
2. One train robbery
3. One grand larceny
4. A couple of cat burglaries
5. and some pick pocketing in a BMTC bus

....to be able to survive the next quarter.

This piece of information gave me the necessary encouragement to make my budget in time. It also gave me a rough idea of my money requirements. So I sat down and like a good girl made my expenditure list in an Excel file complete with graphs. ( it wasn’t necessary but when Excel 2007 helps you make pretty graphs in pretty colors why shouldn’t you use it? Personally I would like to put in some flowers and teddy bears and birds etc. Microsoft please note!!)

Approximately two and a half second later boss called up.

Boss: err….Silverine are we by any chance funding the US invasion of China?
Me: US invasion of China? But boss that is a remote possibility!!!!
Boss: Exactly!!

Why can’t he just say “Not Approved!”? Grrr

I redid the entire budget and sent it again for his approval!

Boss: Are you by any chance preparing the budget for Nagaland and Manipur and the Andaman and Nicobar Islands!!!
Me: Why would I?
Boss: My thoughts exactly !!

Guess he means “not approved”. I carefully slashed a couple of zeroes here and there by the 'eeenie meenie minie mo' method and sent the file again for Boss's approval.

Boss : Wow!! Silverine, is our next team outing on the QE2? And...is it really necessary that we are all flown to the QE2 in private jets?
Me: err...No!
Boss: *whew*!!!

Well I must admit the last figures did look like I was planning on a team outing on the QE2 *sigh* So I did a modest recounting of my money requirements and sent the file again to the boss!

Boss: aaarrrrgghhhh!! *thud*

Finally after much consulting with experienced people in the team I made what looked like a really threadbare cheap shoe string budget which was instantly approved!!

Now only if I can learn...

1) Pole Dancing wearing a Nuns costume
2) To stand still against a wooden wheel in a Mallika Sherawath costume while a blindfolded man throws twelve sharps knives at me to make my silhouette
3) Hold an apple on my head while another blindfolded guy shoots an arrow at the apple
4) Exotic Dancing while carrying three trays of wine of my head
5) And Sky diving in a chicken outfit

…then I might just be able to make ends meet this quarter. ‘Making ends meet’ reminds me, acrobatics in a lehenga choli is quite hot with the Jap tourists!! So am adding that to my list too.

And those of you who are sniggering behind my back, just remember, this is way better and more dignified than my colleague Balwinder Singh, who had to pose as a door to door salesman and rob unsuspecting housewives to pay for his Product Launches!

Sharky and George

Picture courtesy: Corbis


Yesterday I went to the Pet Shop after a very long time and optimisticaly picked up a pair of Goldfish. It has been many moons and many Goldfish burials since I have picked up a pair of Goldfish. The last one who died got an awesome but somber burial.

Me:(taking dead goldfish in my hands) And may God bless your soul and take you into his arms.
[Sprinkles Holy Water on the fish and places the fish gently into the grave*]
Friends: Amen!
*FLUSH*

* Watery grave

I named my new fishes Sharky and George, after my favorite childhood toon. Sharky is fat and George is thin. I was hoping that Sharky is a male and George is a female or vice versa. I had great hopes on Sharky and George like I had on the seventeen thousand others who died in the quest of fulfilling my hopes of becoming a Goldfish farmer. Like the proverbial story of the milkmaid that we all have had to read compulsorily, thanks to NCERT, I too was like the Milkmaid who dreamt of selling milk and buying hens, then selling the eggs and buying goats and so forth till she had bought up the various State Dairy Development Boards and then finally in a hostile take over acquires the National Dairy Development Board itself. (Mr Kurien doesn’t know what a close shave he has had with this one!).

My dreams were quite similar to the milkmaid in the story. I would buy a Goldfish that would give me numerous baby Goldfishes which I would sell and buy more Goldfishes who will give me another million babies that I would sell and quit school. Simple. (I wasn’t too ambitious in 4th standard)

If you bump into one of those numerous ex Goldfish sellers who live in the French Riviera and Hawaii, they will fondly recall a determined little girl who came religiously to their shops in Shivajinagar after every Sunday Mass at St Patrick’s and went home with a Goldfish. They loved the little girl, especially since they knew that she would be back in a day or two, or if luck was on their side in a couple of hours to buy another one. She was the only known person in the history of Goldfish buying to have made it to the elite list of “Frequent Buyers Club” and she earned numerous freebies like the FREE opportunity to pat the Pomeranian puppies kept in the cages or FREE ten minutes of playtime with the cute rabbits also kept in cages.

Accompanying her was a gentleman whose only purpose in life seemed to be paying for the fish. Sometime accompanying them would be a boy, a little elder to the girl who was partly mute as all he would be heard talking was “Bet you this fish will not live for more than three hours. Anyone for a bet???”

Boy: Bet you this fish will live only 12 hours.
Gentleman who always paid for the fish: No way, she will take good care of this one! Won’t you mole?
Girl: *Nods head vigorously*
Boy: What’s the bet!
Gentleman who always paid for the fish: 10 Rupees.
Boy: Deal!
Gentleman who always paid for the fish: *sigh* Here take the ten rupees, you can return it if the fish lives.

The boy would take the ten rupees and add it to the thick wad of notes in his pocket. The boy was also perhaps the first known boy in history to have his own “Cash Box” by age ten. He was the guy who came to the family’s aid when there was a critical shortage of change in India.

Dad: Son do you have change for a hundred rupees?
(Boy counts nine ten rupees from the 20 ten rupee notes he has in change)
Boy: Dad I am afraid I have only ninety rupees.
Dad: Never mind, here is 100 rupees. Give me whatever you have.

And thus he amassed great wealth while his sister still hoped to make it big and rich in the Goldfish business.

Now Sharky and George were also greeted with great glee and anticipation and lots of mental arithmetics by the the boy, now a fully grown boy. By now he had also become very supportive and extremely encouraging of his sisters ambitions.

Grown up Boy: 24 hours!! I give this fish 24 hours!!
Gentleman who did not pay for fish this time: No way, she will take good care of this one! Won’t you mole?
Girl: *Nods head not so vigorously*
Grown up Boy: 24 hours!! A minute more and I pay one thousand rupees!!
Gentleman who did not pay for fish this time: 25 hours!
Boy: Deal!
Girl: *sigh*

24 hours later Sharky and George were dead. After collecting the money, as a gesture of sympathy and support in my time of grief and my Dad’s time of loss, my brother laid the fishes in a clean sheet of paper one beside the other for the burial. The fat one first then the thin one. Under the fat one he wrote “Before”. Under the thin one he wrote “After”.

grr

I bet you a thousand rupees that I will find him in 24 hours!! Any takers????

(I just got an SMS from him that says "Deal!")

*sigh*

New heights!

I guess by now most of us have heard about the "Heights". I saw a couple of incidents that made me realise that there is lots of scope for expanding the ‘Heights’ series. Given below are my four contributions. If you have any to share and expand this series feel free to use the comments section.

Height of cleanliness

I am working late. The housekeeping staffs as usual come in a 6 pm sharp and start their cleaning routine. A dashing young housekeeping guy comes and starts cleaning my rather longish table, stopping now and then to inspect his work critically. He is obviously a perfectionist. He then removes the orange skin on my table and cleans the area thoroughly and then...puts the skins right back where he found them ( I swear in the exact same angle)and walks away with the flourish of a magician leaving the stage after a successful performance.

Height of Annoyance

Vehicles are stopped at a traffic signal. Most drivers are honking the horn impatiently as the cop is giving the oncoming traffic too much time. Amidst the din I see another driver....an old man. The old man is also honking his vehicle horn in annoyance. The only difference between him and the other drivers was that his vehicle was a bicycle and the noise he was making was with the bicycle bell.

(The cycle bell couldn't be heard even if you were standing next to him but he showed that he was just as annoyed as the next driver. Hats off grandpa!! You have a fan in me. )

Height of obeying traffic rules

An (obviously) new driver on a brand new scooter is slowing to a stop near a traffic signal. He puts up his arm to indicate that he is stopping, 'License Test Style'. (arm bend from the elbow and held parallel to the shoulder with palms facing front) He loses control of the bike several times due to this manoeuvre and nearly falls down. But he persists and stops his bike after several attempt and looks quite proud of following traffic rules. The traffic cop in the meantime was highly impressed and was seen rolling on the road laughing. So was I.

Height of absentmindedness

Silverine gives print command for several files she is printing and realises that the printer for some reason has not printed the same. (Perhaps it has spied, through its printer eye the several times she stuck her tongue out at him).She cancels the print job and gives a fresh print command. Finally after five tries she gives up because she had other work to do. In the evening there is a mail from the Facilities Desk enquiring the name and where abouts of a certain employee who has printed 200 A 4 size sheet of papers in the 2nd floor. Silverine sits on the first floor. No one had a clue. The mystery endures to this day.

My realities

Recently a girl wrote to me saying that she admired the fact that I admitted to having a conservative mother and being from a fairly conservative background. She felt that too many girls pretend that their moms are Paris Hilton clones ( she didn’t exactly say that but I am using certain licenses here like ‘being the owner of this blog’ ). Thank you dear girl…alas one cannot chose their parents (unless you were on friendly terms with the geneticist pre-conception )or I would have chosen Dr Salim Ali to be my dad and Rita Rudner to be my mom. Kidding… I am quite happy with what God gave me or err…what God gave my parents.(Dear God, you do spoil my parents a lot I must admit, by giving them too much of a good thing a.k.a “me” :p )

Now I have been more than honest about my family or more popularly referred to as Case Study # 3456 by the good doctors at NIMHANS.

I don’t have an amma who says “Mole you don’t have a boyfriend??? I am so ashamed of you!!! Are you my daughter?? Ente daivame I think you got switched in the hospital. Someone took my darling smart baby and put a loser like you in there!!”

But when I do things like climb trees and recently in Kerala, when I nearly killed the family’s’ prize goat, prize cow, prize neighbor (he has an eligible son) with my cousin brother’s Bullet, she does wonder if I had indeed got switched in the hospital. (But the Bullet ride was awesome!! Next, I am gonna try the Tractor!)

And she also honestly and sincerely believes that her hubby dearest and his younger two kids descended from the apes while she and her elder son and her family were dropped from heaven to earth below as fully formed manicured and pedicured human beings who had read all the Malayalam authors and the plays of Shakespeare and as soon as they descended onto earth they headed straight to the library where they still reside reading books as they are printed.

My dad, a pragmatic Pala achayan on the other hand proudly admits that he is descended from the apes and thus can grunt and scratch himself anywhere anyplace anytime. (He also says that it is a calculated lie perpetrated by his wife and in laws that Apes are vegetarians and that he is living proof to the contrary.)

As a kid I heard my friends say that they read Mills and Boon right in front of their moms. I looked at them with admiration. Wow what cool moms they had compared to mine I thought. I had to read the Constitution of India and Geography for Secondary Schools...because they were big enough to hide the M&B. It did have it’s disadvantages though, like one day when my mom suddenly asked what I chapter I was reading I absent mindedly said “Midnight Tryst oops I mean Freedom at Midnight” ( You will all admit after this incident that an M&B kept hidden inside the Constitution of India and Geography for Secondary Schools is very good for mental alertness.)

I was always red faced when I heard aforementioned classmates moms declare rather proudly to my mom that their daughters read only Shakespeare and The New English Reader and not filthy books like Mill and Boons. They were right I must admit…these girls did not read M&B like me....they had by now graduated from M&B to Harold Robbins and Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

While my peers said that they had permission to go to the movies, I admitted rather frankly that I would have to check with my mom. And after my mom had asked around about the movie and got different opinions and reviews and finally a clearance from the parish priest and if possible from the Pope himself and if further possible from Sushma Swaraj and the Imam of Jama Masjid, then and then only would I be told “No!!” Don’t judge my amma too harshly. This movie had a lot of s** and violence and bloodshed you see. The heroine reportedly wears very short skirts and high heels (s**) which makes her trip and fall down the steps and break her head ( violence and bloodshed).

But I must admit that I was not totally honest all the time. When the aforementioned classmates moms would call me and ask “Where is Nina, she said she is coming over to your place to study but I heard she was spotted at the movies?!” I would tell lies that her daughter was indeed here and studying hard and right now she was in the toilet where she would remain, till around the time a matinee show generally gets over.

When my classmates declared that they could wear spaghetti strap and off shoulder tops, I had to admit that the only thing I was allowed to wear was T Shirts and jeans and frocks that I suspect were remodified burkhas. Since I was not a regular in the fashion scene, I was quite fascinated by the trends in fashion exhibited by my friends and learnt a lot from them. For example did you know that spaghetti strap and off shoulder tops are “always” worn with a modest T Shirt on top till you are 500 meters away from the house or out of view of your mom and vice versa?! Amazing!

I so envy girls with super cool moms like my friends.

Parenting the parents

One February not so long ago, a head-in-the-cloud daughter, under the influence of a ‘substance’ called Mills and Boons, decided that her parents needed to get away from the daily routine of parenting her and her brothers, just like in the story she had read in an M&B book. So she conspired with her brothers (because her pocket money was only Rs 50 per week) and booked a cottage for her parents in Goa during Valentine's Day week. Her brothers indulged their poor junkie sister though they told her that her plan was doomed for failure. The girl who was an M&B addict and like an addict was constantly under “the influence”, refused to believe them in her substance induced stupor. She was sure her parents would hold hands, run around the trees singing songs to an invisible orchestra and maybe present her with a little brother or sister and remove her from the eternal curse of being the youngest.

When her parents heard about her plans they were scandalized, astonished, shocked and absolutely resistant(in that order)to the idea. Her father thought he would be the laughing stock of his community when they were not too busy sniggering about him. Her mother thought that her daughter had finally lost it as she always suspected she would, as being a daughter she had more of her Dads genes.

After much coaxing and cajoling by the daughter, they finally agreed to their junkie daughter’s plans, more to humor her than any other intentions like enjoying a well deserved break. One fine day after the mother had set the curd, bought fish, made fish curry, cooked rice and umpteen throrans, fried the pappadams, combed her daughters’ hair amidst the usual howls and screeches and did another 456855 things mothers generally do, she and her reluctant husband, finally left for Goa. After reaching Goa, the mom called almost immediately from the airport enquiring if the daughter had her lunch and if her brothers were back home etc. Ditto in the evening.

In the night the Dad called up and filled her up on the details of the fish market that he had visited “without” the mother as she wanted to watch TV. The daughter was really annoyed and called them both and told them that they need to go out together, stop being parents and be a couple.

Dad: err… what did you say? That I should hold your moms hands and walk on the road like those hippies here?
Daughter: I didn’t say hold hands and walk. I said go out together, take in the sights, relax….
Dad: hmmm for that I will need to go alone, your Amma likes to walk without stopping
Daughter: That’s because you stop for everything on the way
Dad: Don’t blame me. That’s the way you have bought me up!!!
Daughter: But that was when I was small!!!!
Dad: I am too used to walking with you and stopping every now and then. (forlornly) Wish you were here. You would have loved the fish market.
Daughter: Dad this vacation is both of you. So enjoy your time together.
Dad: *guffaw*Please don’t mention this to any of the relations in Kerala, if they call up. I won’t be able to show my face in public again.

Next day the mother calls her daughter.

Mom: Your Dad is pigging out on meat. Time you talked to him.
Daughter: *sigh* okay ma.

Daughter calls Dad. He was already two Feni down.

Daughter: Dad, what did you eat today?
Dad: hmm errr well one sausage!
Daughter: One sausage? Really?! Lies!!!
Dad: Okay two sausages, but they were real tiny!
Daughter: (in her most severe tone): How tiny?
Dad: Very tiny…
Daughter: How tiny?!!!
Dad: Very very tiny
Daughter: Dad, I am really annoyed and you know that!!!
Dad (in a sulky voice): You told me to relax and enjoy the vacation and now you are nagging me like your mother!!
Daughter: I said, have a vacation and not pig yourself into a heart attack!
Dad (hopefully): You sure you are not coming over? I am missing you all.
Daughter: Dad, don’t change the subject. And watch your diet as the doctor told you.
Dad (in his best fake woebegone emotional blackmail voice): If you say so….but I wish you all were here…

Evening the mother calls.

Mom: There are some nice old churches here. Wish you were here, we could have gone exploring.
Daughter: Take Dad and go and explore the Churches.
Mom: I can’t take a man stinking of Feni to Church!!! Besides he is found some friends in the bar and they are all singing drunk over there.
Daughter: *giggle* err… that’s bad ma!!
Mom: *hmmph*

Night the Dad calls.

Dad: You are really missing all this. I found some nice friends and we are all going to Fort Aguada without the wives tomorrow.
Daughter: *SLAM*
Dad( calls back again): You are angry right?!
Daughter: (sarcastically): No, I am ecstatic that both of you are having such fun time!!! I don’t want to talk to you again for the rest of my life!!!
Dad: okay tomorrow I will take your mom out for dinner. Happy?
Daughter: *SLAM*
Dad (calling again): Okay I will take her shopping and then to the beach.
Daughter: mmm ok…

Next the mother calls.

Mom: Your dad took me shopping!
Daughter: Wow!!
Mom: What wow?! It was so embarrassing. He kept looking at the clothes and exclaiming that they were so immodest in Malayalam.
Daughter: I thought you went Saree shopping.
Mom: Saree? He insisted in going into every shop including the ones selling beachware!!!
Daughter: eeeks
Mom: And on the beach he was absolutely scandalized at the bikini clad madamas!!
Daughter: oops
Mom: Please keep your grand ideas to yourself. I am never gonna step out with him again. I am sure the whole of Goa must be laughing at me.

Night the Dad called up.

Dad: You had dinner?
Daughter: Yes and you?
Dad: hmm I am having a bit of indigestion.
Mom (cutting in): Ask your father why!!!
Daughter: err Dad is mom around?
Dad: Yes
Daughter: ok then you call me when she is not around.
Dad: I have the cordless so I will go out and we can talk.
Daughter: Dad, you really ought to watch what you eat!!
Dad: What’s the point in coming to Goa, if you can’t have Goa sausage, Prawn Rachedo, Pork Sorpotel and….
Mom (talking from the main phone): See what I told you!!!
Dad: Why are you snooping? This conversation is strictly between my daughter and me…
Daughter (annoyed): Stop it both of you!!! (trying her best not to shout) Please forget about diets and social niceties and for Gods sake enjoy your vacation. You have only two days left!!!
Dad: hmmm ok but you plan another vacation like this again and your mom goes alone!!
Mom: Yes it would have better if you had come with me….
Daughter: *sigh*

The last two days the parents did forget Bangalore and their offsprings and did enjoy their vacation. But every effort to postpone their stay by the daughter met with resistance.

Mom: Don’t know what junk you people eating in my absence. Pinne… is the house still there or have you all burnt it down???
Dad (for the 4567th time): Wish you all were here :(

The by-now highly stressed daughter realized that it was she who needed a vacation for sending her parents on a vacation. She also realised that Indian parents will be parents no matter what her substance induced mind said. The daughter also got over her addiction immediately as though by a miracle and was completely cured. According to her mother it was because of her prayers at the St Anthony’s Church in Goa. St Anthony was apparently very pleased with her, because she came to the Church ”alone” leaving her tipsy husband in the Resort bar.

The new Internet Generation

The golden oldies in our midst are no strangers to technology, though their interpretation of the same may be slightly different from us. For example the Internet, the great tool that gives you any information at the speed of light after making you wait for one and a half and a half hour for a page to load, has tons of information that you never knew affected us in very intimate ways. Take a look at this eye opener of a conversation between two seniors that took place in my home recently.

Aundie one: How is your new grandkid?
Aundie two: He is so naughty, hyperactive and always on the move. I am so tired running after him!!
Aundie one ( ominously): hmmmm That’s because he is an Internet baby!
Aundie two( in consternation): What’s that!?
Aundie one (looking furtively around and then lowering her voice): Today’s couples see lots of stuff on the Internet and the resultant babies are called the Internet Generation.
Aundie two: Oh I see!! But how did you know all this?
Aundie one (smiling triumphantly): That achchan (priest) who conducted the Potta retreat in church told us!!!

Now that is one interpretation of the ‘Internet Generation’ that sure beats every other definition floating in cyberspace!

Guess we will soon have the Church issuing "Security Updates".

To protect, defend and do some gardening too...

With the tension in the State over the Cauvery Tribunal verdict, the Police top brass have made elaborate arrangements for security in the city, especially around IT campuses. Yesterday I saw for myself how tight the security was. Right in front of my office stood three thagda policemen!! What a terrifying sight they were too! When the rampaging masses come a calling, they will screech and stop right on their tracks when they spot our three Charlies.

Rioter 1 ( amazed): Look at dem moustche!! Awesome!
Rioter 2 (terrified): And look at 'em laathis, pure cane I say!!
Rioter 3 (losing biological control of himself ): And look at 'em pot bellies, pure muscle!!
Rioter 4 (quivering in his hawai chappals): Lets run for our lives before they beat us to pulp!!!

And all 500 of ‘em run away!

And thanks to the men in khaki, the garden around our campus have begun to bloom and do well. What with our gallant men, 'watering' and 'manuring' the hedges and the lawns everyday. A new proverb we all learnt today:

"People who live in glass houses should turn the other way when people outside the glass house don’t know that the people inside the glass house can see them ‘watering’ and ‘manuring’ their garden."

Thank you Mr. Police Commissioner for keeping our campus safe and green!

p.s. Kudos to the Karnataka Government for having the foresight to beef up security and prevent any untoward incident in the State after the verdict, hats off Mr Chief Minister!!

Playing the (weak) fields

A champion sportsperson is one who comes back against the odds to silence his critics. And that's exactly what Sachin did when he scored a dashing century against Madagasacar recently.

The 33-year-old infact said post the match that he knew his batting. He had played long enough to know what was good for him and hence he has decided to play only against teams like Madagasacar, Namibia, Luxembourg and Seychelles. He further told a packed press conference room, that he did not want to know what others were thinking though he knew what they were thinking but that was of no consequence to him as people who think were not his fans!

When queried about his future plans he said "My schedule is packed with ad shoots for Maghai Pan House, Lalchand Bulchand Dalmoth and Snowywhite Washing Powder. And I am also seriously considering the Airy Underwear and Banian endorsement offer."

On the upcoming International events he said " I will be going for a knee surgery during India's tour of Australia and a shoulder surgery during the Pakistan tour.” He will however be 100% fit for India's tour of Malta. Sachins fans are ecstatic and predict that Sachin will soon reach his 100th Century!!

Sachins fans are also very happy that they will see their star more often now endorsing detergent powder, baby diapers,Besan, Sooji, toothpoweder etc. in bewteen Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu thi and Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki eventhough they would rather die than admit that they watched these serials.

The ton was Sachin's easiest one-day hundred, but importantly it was also the first time he was batting without a single ad contract in his kitty, which according to some is a record of sorts too. He did get two 'lives' along the way after the Madagascarian fielder dropped him in sheer exhaustion when he was 85 and 91, but that didn't stop the fans and experts from gushing about the way he compiled his knock. The Madagascarians had walked all the way from Madagascar you see and had to convene for net practise soon after arrival. One of them was heard enquiring " Why are we being kept in the Net like chickens?".

However Sachin's fan say that this was not the reason for Sachin's great form. The Bombay Bomber showed glimpses of his glorious best as he demolished the malnourished Madagascarian bowlers in the last ten overs. The Madagascarians were at the receiving end as Sachin set the ground on fire and it had nothing to do with the fact the Madagascarians had never played Cricket before.

"The shots he played were outstanding; the Madagascar players had no clue how to stop him. He obviously seems to be on a roll " gushed Prakash an ardent Sachin fan.

The debate over whether he should open, and his indifferent form in recent times has attracted more attention in the media, something the Indian skipper finds quite funny.

"Like I said yesterday, we were not unduly worried about Sachin. Maybe everyone else can stop worrying about it now as we have signed tour agreements with Japan, Netherlands and Iceland, so that we can have a bit of peace around." said Rahul Dravid, Indian Cricket Captain..

"But I think it was a great innings. I think Sachin showed why he is a great player and why he can play in different situations, and why he can adapt though I am not spelling it out," he added.

The Indian skipper could not have summed up Master Blaster's innings better.

The Madagascar team has since thrown their tennis racquets in the sea and have decided to pursue Cricket under the aegis of the BCCI. The BCCI have declared that they will henceforth spend 75% of their earnings in developing Cricket in the above mentioned nations. "Get set to watch some glorious Cricket from Sachin in the coming future" said a BCCI spokesperson with a mysterious smile.

The comments section for this post was unavailable till recently due to a problem with blogger. Thanks for bearing with me :)

...and he said "Yes"!!!!

A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do or be left ruing the half chances she never converted to full points. Yesterday I decided to take the plunge. There is this guy in my office whom I have been eyeing for quite some time. He is a Sales Engineer. My friends and female colleagues advised that I pop the question before someone else did and so I did!!! And his answer was “YES!”. I am so happy!

I finally got what I had set my heart on for some time now. And my dear gal blog pals, I would like to tell you that I am in seventh heaven now and please never hesitate to go after what you want. This is the 21st century, so throw away the old notions that it is the guy who should make the first move. There is no harm in stating your intentions. Many thanks to my team members who also helped make this happen, supported me and helped set the stage for this occasion.

And for all those people who want the details, let me recount this momentous occasion!

My colleagues decided that they will all assemble in the the cafeteria so that I could pop the question in front of the whole team. We planned to have a small celebration after that if the outcome was positive with the blessings of our manager and big boss.

At precisely 10 am my friend LS bought RV to the Cafeteria where I waited. He sensed something was happening, started grinning and was a little nervous. I stepped upto him with the whole team watching. I was little nervous but felt firm on popping the question no matter what the answer might be.

Me: RV we have been good friends, colleagues and have been through a lot of ups and downs professionally especially due to the &^%$*# vendors.
RV: ha ha thats right!!
Me:I have always looked upto to you for advice, support and you have always been there for me.
RV: Well that was the least I could do!
Me: So I hope you don’t mind that I have taken the liberty to come to certain conclusions and based on that I want to ask you something.
RV(nervously): Hey where is all this going?
Someone from the crowd: Let the girl complete yaar!
RV: Ok k k k k..... go ahead!
Me ( getting down on my knees): RV will you ..................................... return my Mont Blanc pen you borrowed three months ago?
RV: What?????? Err I mean “YES” “YES” the answer is “YES!!”

Applause from the junta followed by a reception for the happy couple after RV fished the pen from his overflowing cupboard. RV’s Manager raised the toast and said that I was the only person who ever got RV to return a borrowed item.

The assemblage are hoping that from now on RV will return the numerous borrowed items from them. RV in turn has promised to return them as soon as he hires the truck, to cart the said items.

(Dear blog pals, do check out Kusum's
loony mela and help her compile blogspots best chuckle inducers! Thank you!!)

This is me!

Saw this tag somewhere and picked it up on a whim. It’s a long time since I yarned about me :P

1. Yourself: Single, very straight, Cancerian, mallu, amateur birder, lives a day at a time, cannot be serious for a minute.

2. Your boyfriend/spouse: None

3. Your hair: Waist length

4. Your mother: I need to have her around all the time. The only time I get cranky is when she is out of station. Yeah I am a spoilt brat :( But it’s all her fault!!

5. Your father: He is my best friend and a sweety pie 99% of the time and when he is bad I call him “Dadzilla” like yesterday night when he absolutely refused to let me drive alone to a friend’s place hmmmph…he did compensate though by telling me one of his younger-days-ka-bravery yarns. It involved an Engineering college and getting some friends out of the slammer using some innovative methods :p

6. Your favorite item: My Sony Walkman with FM Radio….yes NOT my Ipod!!

7. Your dream last night: Of dead bodies in the drain :(

8. Your favorite drink: Tea

9. Your dream car: My Dad’s car :p

10. The room you are in: A conference room

11. Your ex: Never had any though many like think of themselves as my ex arrrgh…

12. Your fear: Heartbreak…infidelity

13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Grown up

14. Who you hung out with last night(Saturday) ? A couple of guys in the forest. The first was a tusker, the second a wild boar. They kept running away from me *sob*

15. What you're not? Artificial. What you see is what you get.

16. Muffins: Banana and blueberry muffins

17. One of your wish list items: An automatic blog writer

18. Time: So precious!!!

19. The last thing you did: The lights in my office have sensors and hence come on only when someone is in the vicinity. So I kept jumping here and there surprising the sensors :p But it is damn handy, you know when someone is coming towards you as the lights light up his/her path and hence I am able to blog from office he he

20. What are you wearing? Jeans and Tee…I am one of the few people working today yayy!

21. Your favorite weather: Winter

22. Your favorite book: I have many favorites!

23. The last thing you ate: Rava dosa.

24. Your life: A serene sea as of now…

25. Your mood: Relaxed

26. Your best friend: Mittuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (but I am still not talking to you girl hmmph)

27. What are you thinking about right now? The Nilgiri Mountains and how the heck can I save the damn place.

28. Your car: I borrow everyone else’s car in the house :p

29. What are you doing at the moment? Pretending to work

30. Your summer: I HATE SUMMERS!!!!

31. Your relationship status: Single

32. What is on your TV? TV? Wots zat?

33. What is the weather like? Cold and foggy!

34. When is the last time you laughed? Today when THIS happened…

Colleague: Did you see boss?
Me: Yeah, he walked by my place some time ago!
Colleague: Any idea where he is now?
Me: At the speed at which he was walking I would say he has reached Airport Road by now.

Both: ROFL

Tag!!! You are it Alexis and anybody else who wants to take this up.

Riding Dirty!

Last month, as I weaved my way through the traffic I saw a yellow monstrosity in the rear view mirror. I groaned inwardly. Past experience has taught me that owners of such made up cars are wont to show off when they see a girl. And sure enough the moment our Charlie spotted me on the bike, he started revving his engine and weaving left to right in front of me showing off his glorious rotten egg yolk yellow car with blood red vein like lines across *ugh*. I hate such drivers, as they make you lose your balance by suddenly appearing and cutting across your way. Finally we reached the traffic lights and I managed to reach near him and let out a really filthy insult onto his grinning face. "CREEP!!!" I said with all the venom I could muster. He collapsed on the steering wheel laughing and drove away guffawing when the lights turned green. I was left wondering what was so funny.

Last week someone drove his bike in front of me, causing me to nearly fall down, I screeched "Worm!!!" He got off his bike, sat down on the pavement held his stomach and almost died laughing.

Then another time when a car full of guys were tailing me I stopped the bike and waited till they came near me and let out a particularly filthy (according to my standards) insult. "DOGS!!!" I shouted. They nearly drove into a tree due to hysterical laughter (wish they had hit the tree).

And then one time, an auto suddenly came in front of me from nowhere making me jam the brake and scream "VERMIN!!!!". My cousin brother who was riding pillion fell off the bike giggling. And he kept laughing till we reached home after which he got out and held his stomach and collapsed on the floor laughing.

It is then the realization dawned on me that if I do not seriously upgrade to some choice epithets I may soon develop ulcer or heartburn from the sheer frustration of my insults having no results.

Anyways after listening to my woes, one section of the male community in my extended family decided that they will suitably arm me with some really vicious but acceptable-to-the-feminine-community insults. I felt relieved. Now I could have the satisfaction of seeing peoples face crumple up when I insulted them and I would drive away with my head held high. When the carefully prepared list was delivered to me I had to consult the Medical Dictionary a cousin brother who was studying in St John's Medical College forgot in our house. I finally found the meanings in the "Men's Problems" section. Due to reasons I cannot expound here I had to unfortunately discard the list and I found no reason to thank the creators of the list.

Another group then decided to help out. This group having seen the list given by the Group One decided that they will try a "milder version" of the former list. Again some concerted consulting in the Medical Dictionary and I found the meaning in the "The Large Intestine" section of the Medical Dictionary. I was horrified!!! My "teachers" were more horrified than me that their "work-of-art" was treated with such disrespect and they decided that it was no use wasting their time on me.

It was then that my eldest bro suggested a way out. And I am happy to announce that it works!!!! Now no guy can cross my path and leave unscathed :) Last time when an Enfield Bullet rider suddenly landed in front of me, I called his bike a "dabba". The look on his face was priceless!!!!!

*contended sigh*

Payback

In a large IT company like mine, every requirement from a pin to an airline ticket is designated to various departments. The people working in these departments are adept at avoiding us and when we do spot one of their ilks, we tend to make sure that we make maximum use of the opportunity and pour out all our complaints and requirements. Most of the time the only place where you can spot these people is near the restrooms.

Lady: Hi Robert, haven’t seen you in ages
Robert (hurrying towards the toilet): He he yeah I have been busy, now if you will excuse me....
Lady: Robert you still haven’t got me a new Calculator!!
Robert: Sure Sure I will send it right away now if you will please excuse me...
Lady: And also my soft board needs to be replaced
Robert (jumping lightly): lady please put all this in a mail.... I must rush now
Lady (pouting): I have mailed you several times!! Robert you are always avoiding me!
Robert (crossing his legs in pain): Hnnnnnnn aargh...
Lady: And my car dangler is in tatters.
Robert: *groan* please contact Security for that...please lady I gotta go
Lady: Where are you off to?
Robert: umm mmm errr
Lady: And there was no water bottle on my desk today...
Robert (in great pain): lady you got to contact housekeeping for that....speaking of water *groan* I am sorry but I gotta gooooo (runs towards the toilet)
Lady: What a rude man!!!

I could have put Robert out of his misery but then it was kinda nice to watch him squirm, specially since there are about 560 mails of mine rotting in his inbox for a box of paper clips.

p.s it was me who told the lady, a fairly new employee, that Robert would help her with the Car Danglers and Water Bottle.

p.p.s and it was me who called the lady and told her that I had spotted Robert heading towards the rest room.

What a nice way to end my last working day of the year! The year ahead looks very promising indeed!

Good tidings!!

Hola peoples!!! Hope you all had a joyous Christmas. I bring tidings of great joy for consumers this winter what with the PC Manufacturers and Computer Stores Association announcing massive celebratory discounts this season. Consumers are going to be spoilt for choice this winter. You will be running hither and thither and from one shop to another trying to make up your mind. Go get ‘em tigers and get home that perfect machine to make your computing experience more pleasurable.

According to a Press Release by the Association, the HP Pavilion 735243558686 TWINKLETWINKLELITTLESTAR3456 is selling like hot cakes this winter. Yet another pleasant surprise awaits the consumers this winter when the Lenovo 4563483 ONETWOBUCKLEMYSHOE 00567 hits the shelves at massive discounted rates. Of course if you were to consider the HP Pavilion 235000 GEORGIEPODGYPUDDINGNPIE 2345 you will notice that it has better features and even better options of spending monies on enhancements. But my personal favourite is the IBM 45627389585 THREEFOURSHUTTHEDOOR00001 that is supposed to be superior to HP Pavilion 235 MARYHADALITTLELAMB2345 and Lenovo 4563483 OWATADAMPSQUIB900 though not as advanced that the Compaq 1111111000000 OWATACRAP PC. It has a multimedia keyboard and a wireless mouse 57684949 RATPOSION007 though there is an option of choosing between a 57684949 JERRYMOUSE0054637 or a 57684949 MICKYMOUSEN1111 for a nominal charge.

The Dell Inspiron Notebook JACKNJILLWENTUPTHEHILL E1705 is a good buy this season, though it’s latest versions TOFETCHAPAILOFWATER E1720 and GODKNOWSWHATTHEYDIDUPTHERE E1721 and THEYCAMEDOWNWITHADAUGHTER E1722 gives you instants savings. Besides this offer is combined with a FREE head massage!

Keyboards have also gone hitech this year. The Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard Wireless Optical RIDINGDIRTY456373828 and the Microsoft Optical Desktop Elite for Bluetooth WHITENNERDY777723 are sure fire winners with consumers this year what with the heavy discounts the company is offering for the season.

And there is more good news for computers buyers this winter. Consumers who are planning on buying TFT monitors, rejoice!!!! The choice available for sale this year will leave you shaking your head in disbelief!! The 17 inch 567777 HITHERETOBREAKGLASS64546 delivers great features at very reasonable rates though you could go for the 18 inch 13333 FRAGILEGLASSTHISSIDEUP64546 at no extra cost. The features are almost the same except that the 18 inch 13333 FRAGILEGLASSTHISSIDEUP64546 is slightly more complicated to remember and hence the price has been kept the same as the17 inch 567777 HITHERETOBREAKGLASS64546 . The latest buzz in the TFT monitor scene is the 22 inch 13333xivvv DRIVEINCINEMA64546!!! This comes in a choice of four colors, gray, dull gray, duller grey and dullest grey. Besides consumers who remember it’s name and number when the warranty Period is over, will be given a free holiday to Goa.

Oh yes, in order to speed up sales and deal with the rush consumers are advised to state the EXACT details of the items that they are buying.

For example if you are buying the LENOVO THINKPAD then please specify all details like the alphabets and numbers correctly to the salespeople for example:

1. THINKPAD 567000956 FLATSTOMACH9000xxx
2. THINKPAD 22222272X WASHBOARDABS9000iillx

The Association warns that they will not be held responsible if you order a PC or a peripheral etc. and are delivered a Hummer. Please note in case of such a transaction you will have to pay up the excess price for the Hummer, Drain Pipe Cleaner, Commode Brush, Antiaircraft Missiles, Rottweiler, AIRBUS A380 or any other item that gets delivered to your doorstep due to the errors in your orders that you are solely responsible for. Delivery charges extra. In some countries, items like Antiaircraft Missiles may be prohibited, in which case you will have to pay for storage and godown charges. The Association will keep the said item for approximately 90 days after which it will be auctioned off to the highest bidder in the Kashmir valley.

Happy shopping everyone!!!

Merry Christmas!

My Christmas Wish For You

My Christmas wish for you, my friends
Is not a simple one
For I wish you hope and joy and peace
Days filled with warmth and sun

I wish you love and friendship too
Throughout the coming year
Lots of laughter and happiness
To fill your world with cheer

May you count your blessings, one by one
And when totaled by the lot
May you find all you've been given
To be more than what you sought

May your journeys be short, your burdens light
May your spirit never grow old
May all your clouds have silver linings
And your rainbows pots of gold

I wish this all and so much more
May all your dreams come true
May you have a Merry Christmas friends
And a happy New Year, too ..

I wish you a Merry Christmas :)

Going once, going twice...hey where are you all going?

Yesterday I picked up a nice T Shirt for my second brother with a caption in red and black embroidery in front. Shopping for him is easy; just pick up something in black and you are done. And since this “always well dressed” gentleman has never bought a single piece of clothing himself in his life and the onus of shopping for him rests with my mom and me, I was sure that a small change in his diet of black , black and more black, would do a world of good for all of us living with him.

Now, change must be handled gently and in small doses especially if it is my second brother. For example if you were to pick up a yellow T-shirt for him, be sure to see the subject go into fatal shock and recover just as quickly to screech in indignation till he is black and blue in the face.( this particular shade of blue is allowed).

On the other hand if you were to pick up a T-shirt with a teensy weensy microscopic bit of yellow somewhere on the T-Shirt like at the back, he would accept it because he cannot see it. You of course will call his friends and plead that they don’t make remarks like “macha what is that sunflower doing on your back” because that will make the said subject undress faster than Mallika Sharawath, beg borrow or steal a black shirt from somewhere and come home fuming to commit sistericide or mothericide, depending on who bought the T shirt.

Of course it doesn’t matter to His Royal Highness (henceforth referred to as HRH) that we battled hours of traffic jam and tiring browsing through umpteen shops to come up with a black shirt that doesn’t look like the 6545 ones he already has. (Unlike normal boy babies whose first words are ‘Harley Davidson’ my brother’s first words were ‘black’. Much to the relief of my parents his second words was ‘Harley Davidson’)

Anyways his HRH took one look at the T Shirt and screeched “Oh my God, it’s pink!!!!!” followed by exaggerated gagging noises which I ignored with practiced ease. I looked closely at the red thread…it was indeed red. I showed it to everyone in the house and everybody agreed that it was indeed red. But HRH refused to even look at the T Shirt. My mom gave me an exasperated look that said, “Why do you even bother!” and walked away muttering.

Now why do I bother dear fellow blogger’s? Because if I don’t, then this supremely fashion conscious being will go and buy clothes for himself!!! And that my dear peoples would be a catastrophe of enormous proportions. Last time he shopped for clothes, our phone lines were jammed with people calling us up exclaiming, “That guy in the blood red shirt is your brother/son no? I swear it is him!!! Oh my god he looks awful!!!! Why don’t you people do something!!! You can’t have him roaming the streets looking like that!!!”

So you see, we are well and truly stuck and he knows that. I resignedly took the T shirt back to the shop. But I was too late because exchanges were allowed only within 24 hours of sale. That is 800 bucks down the drain. And so peoples, in order to get my money back I am holding an auction. The item for auction is my brother MP. All eligible girls can take part in this auction. The said item though very stubborn is in good condition and once sold will be delivered bound and gagged by me and my mom to the gals’ house. After which it is your responsibility to see that he stays put. Any attempts by Subject to get back home will be futile because we would have shifted house by then.

Some features of the Subject on auction:

1. Extremely short sighted: You will have to hold up his shirt, Mobile, laptop etc in front of his eye at a comfortable viewing level in order for him to notice it. Failing which you will be accused of deliberately hiding aforementioned objects so that he is late to work.
2. Selective Deafness: Subject hears only what he wants to hear.
3. Selective Blindness: Subject sees only what he wants to see.
4. Food connoisseur: All meals should be freshly made and at no point of time should the menu be repeated unless specifically ordered by HRH.
5. Food = Meat
6. Subject doesn’t drink water unless prescribed by a doctor in a prescription pad and or under threat of IV transfusion.
7. Neighbors will throw trash bags inside his room since it looks like the municipal garbage dump. Clothes moved from the clothes heap in his room will be immediately noticed even if it has moved only an inch in the heap. GPS should be used to navigate Subject’s room. We shall not be held responsible if you lose your way and your remains are not found even after a couple of years.
8. Unless specified, that mud caked T shirt is not dirty and hence will not be put to wash.
9. On the other hand if that mud caked T Shirt is not clean when he needs it, then you better disappear till he cools down.
10. He will not lend shaving stuff for fear of AIDS but if he has forgotten to buy his own then he will generously borrow from the other two men in the family. You will have to sterilize the items and carefully put it back to avoid fratricide.
11. Socks will never be put for wash in pairs though he expects them to come back from wash in pairs.
12. Music will play full volume in his headphone and speakers and the surround sound system. You may shift into a temporary accommodation while the music is on.
13. Be prepared to have your perfumes used to clean his music system and shampoo to clean his shoes. Only the best will do for his beloved music system and shoes. Oh yes, make sure you buy the best towels money can buy for yourself. Subject likes to use the best for cleaning his bike. You can always wash it and reuse it. Don’t be so fussy!
14. Be prepared to see your cosmetic creams disappear alarmingly fast though Subject will rather die than admit that he borrows your Garnier Body Cocoon.
15. Subject is king of all he surveys and is too used to child labor in the form of a sister and bonded labor in the form of a mother. You will double in as both.
16. All the friends of the subjects are like him and live in the house with him. Their parents are either glad to get rid of them or don’t want them back. You will know why, very soon.
17. On weekends subject and friends will play lot of cricket and football and drink lot of beer. That does not mean you get a break. Who will carry the beer at pre ordained intervals at a specified temperature in a carefully calculated time period from the house to the adjacent ground so that it arrives at the right temperature at the ground?
18. Subject has umpteen female admirers so be prepared to have random girls smile at you and try and act extremely friendly. Don’t be under the mistaken impression that you are extremely popular or irresistibly cute.
19. Subject has friends’ allover town. So be prepared to get an SMS just as you are walking by KFC that says “I need two Zinger burgers, large fries and a coke and my clothes from the dry cleaner next door” and another SMS when you pass by Imperial “One full chicken kabab and 20 Kerala porottas and make it fast!!!”
20. If you are an unmarried gal in her mid twenties and have reached till this point then we consider this item “SOLD” to you. Please let us know where we should deliver. No protests allowed after sale.

Bitter, sweet, sour & astringent lessons

I learnt to cook at the tender age of 8 months, when I lifted a jar of salt and emptied it into a bowl of chicken curry. The expression on the adult’s faces seated around the table when they tasted the curry, told me that cooking would be great fun. My mom, the lady of the house and the master chef whose cooking skills are legendary in our house, must have felt threatened by the homegrown competition because she tried cutting short my budding interest in cooking by keeping the jar of salt in highly secretive hidden location. But I guess inborn talents cannot be suppressed, because I soon found the jar of sugar and emptied that into a nice Kottayam style beef fry that my mom had made painstakingly. My talents were obvious from a very young age. The jar of sugar was soon dispatched to some highly confidential location deep in the Sahara desert. Soon I found out that the jar of chilly powder and pepper powder also bought out fun expressions on adults’ faces. By this time my mom, probably feeling very threatened by the encroaching competition, sent away all the spices in her kitchen to top secret hideouts around the world as a last ditch attempt to stop me from trying my hand at cooking. (“Maa bhi kabhi beti thi” is the title of the book I will be writing about my early life).

Having my talents so brutally and cruelly nipped in the bud, I went back to doing what normal kids do, like throwing my Ammachi's chickens into the well, falling into a bucket of water headlong, letting out water from the water tank and falling from the roof. I led an uneventful life back then. Unlike now, when my life is full of danger, excitement, thrill, adventure, cliffhangers etc like running behind my company bus every morning ( I got a speeding ticket for that), dashing from conference room to conference room at breakneck speed, chasing the ad agency and Event Management people, snooping on competitors and eating cafeteria food. I am yet to see the cabin allotted to me and I heard it is being used for nefarious purposes like *gasp* “work” by people who look suspiciously like my colleagues armed with laptops and white board markers. BUT….. I am familiar with each and every network socket in this campus where I can plug in my lappie and that includes the socktes thoughtfully provided on the cafeteria tables and the loo. ( and psssst don’t tell this to anyone but I heard some kaamchor people play solitaire on their lappies in the loo. Disgusting!!!).

We even have “Bring your lappie to office on Saturday” Saturdays and “Take you lappy home everyday” weekdays. I tell you, the Corporate Communications people here are tops (and I don’t mean in the weight department though they top in that too). So thoughtful no?

But we are deviating my dear readers… yes all five of you err…make it four as one of you have fallen asleep. Back to our narrative and like I was telling you many many paragraphs ago, I found out that I had an interest in cooking very early in life. By very early, I do not mean the first month of my life in the incubator where I was kept on a constant low heat, though I admit it must have influenced me in some way like by making me realize it is better to cook than be cooked. (Ok I heard that joke about my brains being cooked too grrrr).

My yearning to learn cooking raised it’s stubborn head again, when I was 8 or 9 years old and by this time my Mom was so fed up of cooking that she actually conspired to get out of the kitchen, by buying me, my very own cookery book and recalling all the jars of chilly, salt, sugar etc from the various top secret locations around the world. (What a scheming woman no?)

Soon after the arrival of the spices, I began cooking after saying an elaborate prayer that was rather rudely interrupted by my dad exclaiming in horror and dashing out of the house to renew the Household Fire Insurance Policy. I picked up basic cooking very fast, and was soon raring to try more exotic cuisines. I appealed to all the ladies in the neighborhood to give me recipes and they obliged and it is from these ladies, that I learnt the greatest cooking lesson of all. A lesson that left me very wised indeed. And what was that lesson? Patience… I will reveal all *mysterious smile*

The first person to give me a recipe was Mrs J. Mrs J made a particularly delicious Banana Bread. So it was with great anticipation that I made the Banana Bread. The bread looked like a blob of dried cement. Even my brother refused to eat it.

The second person to share her recipe was Mrs T. I made the Malabar Fish Curry exactly as it was given in the recipe and gave it to my brother to taste. My brother who will eat dog biscuits if it not pointed out that it is dog biscuit threw up after tasting the fish curry.

The third person to share her recipe was Mrs M. She gave me her recipe for candied peel. When the candied peels were ready, it was stiffer than iron rods and tasted like putrid Citric Acid.

And the last person to share her recipe was Mrs M again. She gave me her treasured recipe of Fruit Bread. I made the bread dough exactly the same way it was instructed in the recipe and kept the dough aside to rise. Exactly half an hour later my maids ran screeching out of the kitchen and ran helter-skelter. A bubbling mass of grey matter was coming out of the kitchen and threatening to engulf the whole house. There was bubbling fruit bread dough everywhere. People were running for their lives. It took three hours to clean the mess and subdue the bubbling monster.

After the mess was cleaned my mom took the recipes to investigate where I had gone wrong. After reading the recipes, she started laughing hysterically. Apparently Mrs J had conveniently forgotten to include baking powder in her recipe, , Mrs R had also very conveniently forgotten to include kodampulli (tamarind) in her recipe, Mrs M had made me make candeed peel with thrice the amount of Citric Acid and sugar and her Fruit Bread recipe that needed only 20 gms “Yeast” was conveniently of course “by mistake’ made to 200 gms yeast. The result as you can see was disastrous.

After she had stopped laughing my mom taught me my first lesson in cooking. “A good cook will never part with her recipe.”

Thank you ladies for that lesson. Your course material was excellent and course recall really lasting. I will remember it to my dying day.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

Warning: Do not read if you are planning to watch the movie.

I saw My Super Ex Girlfriend yesterday night at the Symphony. It is a nice movie to watch if you want to give your brain a vacation for two hours.

The story line is unbelievable…literally. Luke Wilson and his nerdy needy pal Rainn Wilson are traveling by train when Rainn spots Uma Thurman. She looks spectacularly boring like most train commuters but then hey… she is Uma Thurman and you got to pick her up from the crowd to get the movie going. Apart from that there is no convincing reason why Rainn spots her with her brown toupee, spectacles and makeup less mousy face. Rainn convinces Luke to ask her out which he does quite charmingly only to be met with a ‘No’. Just when you are telling yourself ‘cant a guy take a hint?’ the movie takes a bollywood kinda turn. A bag snatcher snatches Uma’s hand bag and runs out of the stationery train. It was moving I swear, when Uma said ‘No’.

Most of the plot that provides the twists and turns in this movie are unbelievable.

Luke Wilson for one, looks good and definitely not the kind of guy who has no love life and hence is desperate enough to pick up a dull looking Uma Thurman in a suburban train.

Uma Thurman acts like a neurotic, jumpy, crazy woman on their first date, scaring the living daylights out of Luke and the audience. Besides this, the scriptwriter gives Luke enough hints as large as a mental asylums, that Uma Thurman is cuckoo, but he still asks her out for a second time, and you kinda say “he deserved it’ when things turn really bad for him.

Luke’s plan was to get laid and move on, but he makes the cardinal mistake of asking her out again, and Uma promptly falls in love with him. When he tells her that he is not in love with her, she literally hits the roof and makes a hole in the ceiling. She vows to make him pay for the rejection and flies away in a rage through the hole in the ceiling. This, of course happens on the second date.

Uma's character is full of holes, which is good actually as she does a lot of flying around in the air at supersonic speed. Adds to her aerodynamic character. She is sensible enough to appear like Superman and save the city from the stupid catastrophes thought up by the Stunt Director, but she is absolutely stupid otherwise. Perhaps the Stunt Director could have directed the entire film, as the only scenes that make sense are the Supergirl exploits of Uma Thurman. She also looks good only in the movie posters and in her G-girl avataar, losing the brown toupee and spectacles. The stunt director has taste I must say.

Then Luke realizes that he is in love with his sweet colleague Anna Faris, whose nice boyfriend conveniently gets himself caught in bed with three girls to clear the way for Luke. She promptly falls in love with him and they make love. (See didn’t I tell you that Luke doesn’t look needy?). Uma throws a live shark into their bedroom scene…the shark fortunately has better tastes and bites off huge chunks of the furniture in a feeding frenzy. Due to some personal ethics not divulged by the scriptwriter, Uma doesn’t go after Anna even though she should… logically.

Finally an ex boyfriend of Uma devices a glowing rock, similar to the one which made Uma super powerful and makes her walk into a trap set by Luke. Of course he forgets to tell girlfriend Anna not to barge in making a huge scene, which leads to the explosion of the rock making Anna also a Supergirl.

The theater was packed with nine people, out of which two were the ushers, one was a guy who kept gazing into his cellpone, besides five girls...out of whom one kept looking around thinking “I will blog about this”, another kept giggling at everything including the 'Please take care of your belongings in the theater’ slide and the ‘Nokia ad’, and another who was watching the movie like she is watching the 'Schindler’s List’ and another who kept exclaiming “The cheese popcorn is soggy, chat popcorn is spicy and the masala popcorn is too bland” etc. The fifth one is still missing.

Oh yes... before I end this rather long review, please avoid the Ice cream in the theater. It is very good actually, but not advisable to be eaten in the air-conditioned theater or you will end up writing movie reviews on a Saturday night sniffling with cold, cough and fever.

Have a nice weekend everyone.

( This review was written the weekend the movie was released)

Taming the shrews

Weekends are glorious periods of inactivity for me. I don’t even exercise my vocal cords these two days. One blink of an eye means "Yes" two means “No”. When my Mom asks "so you will be spending the day in bed reading?" I blink once and when she asks "would you please clean your room?" I will blink twice to indicate a "No" and when she asks "are you going to feed the dogs or shall I send them to the SPCA?" I flutter my eyelashes several times in alarm, jump out of the bed in a trice with a "noooooooooo" and rush out to feed them. (There are some exceptions in life you see) You do not want your darling doggies to be given to the SPCA who will place them with some strange family who will love them and feed them on time do you? ( They will miss me so much *snifff*)

This Saturday, besides the usual casual threats, which I ignore if it doesn’t have anything to do with my doggies like "I will burn down your cupboard if you don’t rearrange it" etc. she said something that made me widen my eyes in alarm and gasp in horror like those heroines in Ramsey Brother movies when they see the awful make up of the ghost. Apparently my aunt was leaving her 13 year old teenager, Miss Deepa Ann Varghese (DAV) with us for the day. Now...Miss DAV and me are as fond of each other as my doggie Brandy and the neighbor’s cat. (and that is a lot of hate believe me.)

I will not get into the history behind the saga of mutual loathing and pure hatred between Miss DAV and me, but after my last encounter with her I have been praying very fervently and earnestly and sincerely to God that by the time I marry and have a daughter and she grows up to be a teenager, they would have invented a device that would enable parents to fast forward their child’s development, skipping a few years here and there. And no prizes for guessing which would be the years I would be skipping. (And thank you God that my mom didn’t have such a device, I owe you one).

Today, I also developed a newfound respect for my aunt, the mother of this abomination err…child who has remained sane all these years while I went batty in the few hours that I chaperoned her daughter. Anyways folks, the good news is that I survived the day….mainly due to some quick thinking ….several muffled expletives besides helluva lot of slow counting from 1 to 20,000. Today I also discovered that I have sadistic tendencies …more of that later... *evil mirthless grin*

In the morning, my second brother suddenly developed an acute condition called "Cricket practice" and walked out of the house rather he dived out of the window and pole vaulted across the compound wall and was gone before I could say "nandrolone" but not before throwing a triumphant grin in my direction. While I was wondering what that was all about, my mom dropped the bombshell. Apparently Miss DAV and her friends had to go the Mall urgently for some important shopping, like checking out the free make up and perfumes and giggling hysterically and shoving each other when they saw guys and since my brother had Cricket practice, I had to drop and pick them up. I shall not enunciate the epithets that flew fluently from my mouth towards my brothers retreating back (because I know only three).

By 9:30 am, Miss DAV was ready. By ready I mean, she looked like somebody had blackened her eyes (black eye shadows), bloodied her lips (blood red lipstick) and yanked her hair out (latest electro static cut). I looked at her and realized that if it hadn’t been for the big mole on her right hand there would be no way I could identify her as Miss DAV. As she waited for me to reverse the car out of the garage I could hear her talking to a similarly attired friend at the other end of the phone.

You should see her cosmetic collection, bleah!
and
OMG she uses a comb *snigger*”
and
She actually wears her pants around her waist *sneer*
etc.

Ignoring her and the strong urge to run the car over her again and again till the insolent smirk was wiped into the driveway I drove out of the house. The better part of the morning was spent trying to find "the house near the florist on Ring Road" and "the red brick house with a dent on the gate on Residency Road" and "the bakery next to Johnson Market because I am thirsty and need a Coke." In short, Miss DAV didn’t have any addresses. I clenched the steering wheel a little too tightly as I saw my precious Saturday vanish in a puff of Lakme Matt Silk Face Powder that Miss DAV was dabbing on her nose from time to time. Luckily she had the phone numbers and so I talked to the various Mrs Josephs, Mrs Gowda’s, a Mrs D’souza’s and a Miss Jenny (a Dad’s secretary) and got to the houses and picked up the little misses.

I looked at them in the rear view mirror. They all looked like battered victims of domestic violence with black and blue and red faces. They were in turn looking at me like I was a beggar with sores. Soon there was a lot of nudging and giggling and "keep quite, she will hear" and "look at her clothes" etc in the backseat and that is when the sadistic tendencies in me first raised its delightful head. I looked at them and felt a strange urge to drag them to the municipal water tap, wash their make up and then drop them off makeupless at the Mall ( do I hear gasps of pure delight from parents?…Didn’t I tell you I found the hidden sadist in me?).

The thought was so sadistically satisfying that I didn’t realize that I had an evil grin on my face. The girls were looking at me rolling their eyes and I had that good ol feeling of sadism rising within me again. This time I wanted to take a bottle of coconut oil and smear their hair with oil and then leave them in the Mall (Do I hear applause? Parents I told you stick around and you will learn more).

Then one of them spotted my ‘old fashioned’ Estelle bracelet and nudged the others and they collapsed giggling. By this time I had had enough and something snapped within me. You seen those horror movies when the gal sits in the car and suddenly the car doors get locked and then the camera moves away from the car and you hear blood curdling screams and then deathly silence? *heh heh*

I closed the SUV doors with the central locking system and searched in the glove compartment and found what I was looking for. Something that could inflict pain of the worst kind that would have the victim begging for death. Something the driver kept in the glove compartment in case of emergencies. I put the CD player on to drown out the screams of my to-be victims and then inserted the CD. Then I put the music on in full volume and watched the smug expressions turn to uneasiness, alarm and then pure horror, as Himesh Reshamiyya belted out “oooo huzoor tera tera tera suroooooor!!!!” Their screams were drowned out in the sheer nasal croon. I played Aapka Suroor Volume One through to Volume Two while the car crawled at 40 kmph. There was no escape…the car doors were locked.

45 minutes later, I dumped their lifeless bodies in front of the Mall.

In the evening when I went to pick them up, they were very very quiet and well behaved and the return journey was peaceful with a lot of respect shown towards the 'geriatric' driver. Just the way I like teenagers to be. *muahAHAHAHAHA*

Friday dhamaka

One of the funniest things I have seen in a long while.

I am standing on the main road waiting for the company bus to come. A tempo with a driver and a young ‘cleaner’ come and park beside me. The driver gets down, says something to the ‘cleaner’ in Malayalam and vanishes somewhere. The ‘cleaner’ primps and preens as he spots me and another gal who has joined me. Then he decides that he should do something additional to impress. So he gets behind the wheel and reverses the tempo. He loses control and perhaps in panic keeps his legs on the accelerator. The tempo reverses in a wide arc in top speed mowing down some motorcycles, a culvert, a hoarding and still in top speed reverses into a house smashing the gate. All in a matter of a few seconds.

I collapse laughing.

What a way to start a Friday!!!!

Life is good!!

Damages: A few thousand rupees.
The look on the ‘cleaner's’ face: Priceless!!