Memoirs of a suppressed artist

Warning: Ah well you all know what it is by now!

I suck at lying. Now...I am no angel, just Untruth Challenged. "Face the music girl" said my dad when I was 5 years old and knee deep in trouble. I had gone and written all over my second brother’s untidy home work book with my crayons. I am talking Camlin crayons that is next to impossible to rub off. Now 8 year old boys are not exactly the big brotherly types. They are wont to regard anyone younger to them by a second as pests. They don’t go "ooh look she has drawn a Butterfly in my Maths Class Work book. Cho chweeeet" They are more likely to go "THWACK" followed by grounding for one week for hitting "poor little defenseless baby sister and I don’t want to hear what she did grrr"

My brother didn't need to hire the Scotland Yard to investigate the butterfly in his notebook. All he needed was Scotland yards best ladder as I was very good in climbing trees when I had drawn butterflies and houses in his books. Though I did not know why he was so mad, I knew that my drawing angered him for some reason. I had no clue about home work books and how mad teachers became when it had crayon scribbles all over it. Amongst the list of "Most Corny Excuses for not doing Homework” compiled by the teachers in my brother’s school, the most prominent were:

My sister tore my home work.
My sister wrote on the homework and I found out only this morning.
My sister took my home work book and she doesn't remember where she kept it.
I have a younger sister.

His teachers tut tutted when they saw me and patted my head gently muttering "Such an angel and that M makes out to be a devil tch tch!!"

When I was born, the writing was on the wall for my parents that the house walls were for writing and not for holding their home together and segregating rooms. And it took nine long years for them to finally retrieve the walls from my firm grip and scrape off the ten inch thick coating of crayon wax and restore its dignity and rightful duties. There was not an inch of space on our walls that didn’t have my drawings. When in the night, my parents lay exhausted in their bed, they would look up and thank god that I couldn't reach the ceiling. And then I guess they felt bad and counted their blessings because I never got punished for the same I remember.

Punishment is a big no no with my Dad. He is an engineer and like most engineers he tends to use his professional qualifications a tad too seriously. I mean he believes in STRATEGY!! Every problem in life had to be dealt with a pre approved strategy.

His first strategy was to buy me a blackboard. A very effective strategy it turned out to be too…for some time. I scribbled on the blackboard to my hearts content and when I couldn't scribble anymore as the thick layer of crayon wax prevented anymore writing, I wandered to the walls.

Strategy Number I was quickly reassessed and Strategy Number I Version 2 was released. Strategy Number I Version 2 was combing the house with a fine tooth comb for crayons and then throwing them all out and buying me chalk and a new blackboard. This strategy was also very effective...for sometime. I drew to my hearts content on the black board and then when the black board was full of avant garde art, I continued to the walls. My parents looked at each other and realized with a sinking feeling that buying a black board without a duster was not exactly the thing that got you a Nobel Prize for Foresightedness.

Strategy Number I Version 2 was rehashed and Strategy Number I Version 3 was released soon after. According to the specifications of this strategy a duster had to be bought post haste and it was done! This strategy worked fine for some time too and then my parents found a bug in this strategy too. A rather annoying bug that necessitated either one of them to come to my room and clean the blackboard about 567 times a day. You don’t expect a 5 year old, running on 6 to clean a giant black board do you duh! On retrospect that should have held onto Strategy Number I Version 3, because nothing is more effective in curbing a child than asking her to clean up after her. He /she soon learns that throwing mud on the floor is not fun and throwing water on the bed is also not fun nor writing on the wall. But my parents were not yet the hardened parents they are now, and we should excuse their inexperience and subsequent failures at the hands of a very experienced child.

We are err I am digressing peoples and if any of you are not snoring by now, let me tell you of Strategy Number I Version 4 that was rolled out by my parents soon after. My father as usual was the Project Manager and my mother, the Team Lead. It was decided by unanimous consent that they would ‘hire’ two techies to do their lowly jobs as part of Strategy Number I Version 4. Soon two techies were "hired" to do the code (“Clean her blackboard or else!!!”). Pleased with the success of Strategy Number I Version 4, my parents resumed their role as homemaker and breadwinner. All was well in the house after that for ....one day. The lowly techies like most techies got fed of the constant coding err dusting and one of them whose name starts with the alphabet M, devised a novel plan to get rid of the job. He – you wont believe this- introduced a bug in the code!! He secretly bought a box of crayons and gave it to me. Soon the techies were back to their life of doing what they usually do and Project Manager and Team Lead faced another failure.

And pssst they never found how I got the crayons and blamed the school for the free crayons we got in art class.

Blackboard was thrown off and my parents sat and scratched their head for a new strategy! My mother felt that next strategy should have a healthy amount of spanking for better implementation! My Dad was horrified and vehemently turned it down for Strategy Number I Version 5! Strategy Number I Version 5 involved painting about 5 feet of the wall from the ground in oil paint. Strategy Number I Version 5 was a huge success. Fed up of the wall refusing to accept crayon, pencil or water color markings, I retired to other activities. But then the artist in me was not satiated. The urge to scribble soon overcame me and one day my mother gasped and nearly fainted when she beheld her expensive sofa with multicolor balloons carefully drawn with red, green and blue crayons. The dining table too was decorated by art nouvelle and so were the cupboard doors and doors.

My mother had enough and read the riot act to her daughter and her daughter’s father. Henceforth, she declared, every scribbling on the wall and elsewhere had to be cleaned up by the artist and her father. Failing which she would take her sons and go to “her” fathers home! Faced with the possibility of scraping acres of walls, furniture, dogs, neighbors, relations, dhobi etc off wax crayons, the father formulated Strategy Number I Version 6. According to this strategy, the two lowly techies were re-recruited by the scruff of their collars and drafted to remove every piece of writing material in the house on a daily basis and keep it in the shoe box on the cupboard. Strategy Number I Version 6 was a resounding success.

By the time I was eight, the artist in me was deader than a dodo. The family heaved a sigh of relief till the tailor in me raised its head. But that is another story I will tell another day. But for one long year, people in the house had to endure their shorts, shirts and sarees being cut into shreds. Nothing very unusual you might think. But this happened when they were “wearing those pieces of clothing” you see. :p

Have a nice weeks folks!

Happy Dassera!!

A hot and happened weekend

Yesterday as is the practice for the last twoindy years ( err one year actually, please excuse the Akkarakazhchakal overdose), we have been going to Jyoti Nivas College (JNC) to cheer for our college in the inter college Mad Ad competition. After screaming our self hoarse for our college and their spectacularly pathetic performance (so what duh!), we stumbled out hungry, hyper, hoarse and hot (not necessarily in that order) onto the road. Hungry because of the lusty screaming from 10 am onwards. Hoarse because of the hysterical screaming to drown out the rabid screaming of the Christ College and Joseph junta. Hyper because of the screaming competition over which nobody could hear anything and that included the judges. And hot because jumping up and down and screaming makes you really hot (hot as in thermal hot peoples…sigh)!!

As the junta poured out onto the road after the competition, we looked around for a place where we could sit down, compose our selves and stuff our faces. Most of the places were crowded. Cursing the JNC’ites because we were jealous that they had so many eateries around their college and because they gave a better performance than our wimps err I mean college, we trouped into a typical Bangalore Darshini. Now Darshinis have sentimental attachments for us Bangaloreans. Most collegians in Bangalore have derived 90% of their sustenance from Darshinis. It is not like our mothers did not cook in the house. But as soon as you got into college, as though by a genetic signal you start eating at least two meals a day in these Darshinis.

A typical Darshinis will have the word “Sagar” as an appendage after its name, for instance Jayanthi Sagar, Shanthi Sagar etc. These small self service restaurants will have only tables and no chairs. Some tables will be rectangular where more than six people can place their plates. Some will be circular where not more then two or three people could stand and eat. People grabbed their plates and placed it on any vacant space and ate. The tables will be occupied with strangers, eating comfortably oblivious to each other.

During college days we went en masse to these Darshinis for our breakfast, lunch, snacks etc. If we got separated into different tables then we performed an instinctive unconscious ritual called “edging”. Edging consisted of edging in as soon as a space next to your friend at her table got vacant till all group members were at one table! At this juncture the cashier can be seen beating his head against the cash counter and tearing his hair out in despair. This was not due to dandruff or head lice as you horrible people think. But due to the frustrating realization that he will have to kiss that table and the business it generates goodbye till every single girl in the group had finished eating, which could take a painful half an hour to 45 minutes or more. The maximum time a Darshini table in the self service zone is occupied is 10 minutes, No more! Oblivious to the howls and scowls and grumbles of the cashier cum manager, we would hang in there till the last girl had finished eating. A Darshini is a eating in a fast lane kinda zone. We did not care what zone it was! We had our own rules and regulations and due to the custom of a Darshini where minimal exchange of communication takes place between staff and patrons, no one ever asked us to get lost!!

Yesterday we fortunately got a table all to ourselves. Soon we all had our orders and were eating and yakking and giggling all at the same time. Well…there was more yakking than eating going on and the Cashier, an old man looked languidly on as it was almost 3 pm and close of the lunch rush hour. Now when our group eats, it looks like a sampling extravaganza. Everyone eats from everyone else’s plate. Somebody ate your vadai? Then you go and pick up another one. Zimble. While we were busy yakking and eating, we did not notice the place filling up and a young nondescript guy came and put his plate at our table and proceeded to eat his Naan and Peas curry timidly. Oblivious to his appearance we continued yakking and eating what we fancied from each others plate. Suddenly I realized that I had an onion ring in my hand and all of us had ordered south Indian food which doesn’t have onion rings as an accompaniment. With a sinking feeling I looked at the guy’s plate and realized to my horror and embarrassment that he had onion rings in his plate!!! I almost passed out with embarrassment! The poor guy continued eating timidly, oblivious to what had happened or perhaps a bit hurt by the insensitive girl at his table. I was mortified. I did not dare tell anyone or I would be butt of jokes for the next 150 years :( I did tell them after we were out of the place and my ears had stopped burning. And then I had to endure the ignominy of watching them rolling on the road laughing. Sigh!

About the competition folks…the biased, cruel, dishonest, improper, inequitable, iniquitous, oppressive, partial, prejudiced, and wrongful judges give the award to the Josephites grr. Agreed…our performance sucked, correction it sucked big time but that is no excuse for NOT giving us the award!!! We were by far the prettiest team!! So there!!

Have a nice week folks. I will be in a grouchy mood this week. Be nice to me please…like not mentioning the word “onion rings” while commenting ok?

What’s in a name, namme, nname or nnamme?

“Where is Rajesh?” asked the Boss.
“Which Rajesh?" I countered. "The one with two R's in his name or two A's or with two S's?”
“The guy with the two J's” replied the Boss.
“Ah! He is on leave today.”
"@#$%"

Boss had reasons to be peeved. Rajjesh was our single point of contact with the Sales Tax people and we needed some tax queries addressed for the CEO before the end of the day. He was in a spot now. So we, i.e. the Boss and I decided to ask around the office for people who could help us.

First we went to the Finance department. Besanth was the right guy we were told, but he was in a meeting with the Auditor. His colleague Girish was on a conference call while Asha, another colleague was on half day leave. Since this was a Sales Tax matter we were told that Bbesanth from Pre Sales would be the next best person to talk to. But Bbesanth from Pre Sales was not in his seat and his colleague Raman was busy. Raman however informed us that Assha from Sales may able to help us. Assha was helpful but she needed to clarify certain matters with Rraman her boss before she gave us any info she said. Rraman was traveling but his assistant manager Sanjay was very helpful. Sanjay directed us to Manjunath who introduced us to Girrish who was able to shed some more light on the matter.

Soon we had 75% of the information we needed and took the papers to our Legal Counsel Sanjayy for final whetting before submission. Sanjayy took a look at the papers and directed us get the papers stamped by his assistant. We went over to his assistant Maxine’s desk who stamped the papers and asked us to submit the stamped papers to Latha the corporate counsel. Latha gave us the final approval after she had her assistant Manjjunaath to read it over once. On our way back to our floor, we met Maxxine who was of no help to us so we ignored her.

Despite our best efforts we could not get the remaining 25% of the information we needed and by evening we had to face an uncomfortable truth that we had covered every single English alphabet twice over but for the alphabet “Z”. Err... what I meant to say was that by evening we had to face the uncomfortable truth that we did not have all the information the CEO wanted.

But then our ever dependable consultant Zarine came to our rescue and with the help of Zarine, we were finally able to cover all the English alphabets twice over. I mean...with the help of Zarine we were able to address all our sales tax queries. We handed over the completed info that the CCEO (formerly CEO) had asked for, to his secretary Zarrine.

And since we met with success in our venture, we i.e. the Boss and I have decided to not change our names to “Bboss” and “Annjjalli” as suggested by Lattha’s numerologist.

Only Yan can cook Chinese

I picked up a packet of Knorr Szechuan Mix and Knorr Chinese Manchurian Mix from Monday2Sunday the other day. The packet looked promising, the brand name reassuring. Having burnt my hand trying to make Chinese which never comes out the way the restaurants prepare it, I was wary. But I decided to give this a try as the photo on the packet promised me of instant Chinese Cuisine Superstardom. I could almost see the beaming faces of my Dad, mom, brothers and dogs sitting on the dining table, eating away in complete silence broken only by ecstatic gasps and admiring nods towards me. Then they all fall at my feet and pay homage to thunderous music in the background, followed by Chef Yan of 'Yan can Cook' fame sliding down a helicopter and presenting me with a Golden Wok for the spectacular feat of being the only non Chinese in the world, who made authentic Chinese food, while TV reporters throng my door.

A smug smile played on my lips as I picked out the vegetables that the packet mentioned should be used along with the powder in the packet. I came home and walked into the kitchen with a mysterious smile. I was going to surprise everyone!!! And what a surprise it was!! They were left gasping...literally.

I prepared the Szechuan sauce and the Chinese Manchurian sauce exactly as instructed on the packet. Then I fried the Paneer and the vegetable balls also as instructed on the packet. It is a very easy process and you cannot go wrong, right? Wrong!! Everything will go wrong with this dish. Read on and you will find out how. Then I put the fried Paneer and vegetable balls and mixed it into their respective sauces and viola...really terrible Chinese food was ready to eat!!

All I could taste was saltiness and sourness in the thick sauce. Absolutely no flavor!!

Chinese Manchurian tasted like Salt +Bitter sauce
Szechuan tasted like Salt+ Sweet Sauce

Try as I could, I could not get any other flavor from the bland sauce!!! Just plain thick sauce with salt flavor. (Please note I mean salt as a flavor and not “salty”) I thought perhaps, keeping the mixture aside will allow the flavor of the paneer and vegetable balls to permeate into the sauce. But half an hour later the sauce and the paneer and vegetable balls were still strangers and refusing to mix with each other. I felt like a hostess who invites the entire village for dinner only to realize that the cook she hired was not a cook but the village butcher!!

I had already ordered Fried Rice and Noodles from a nearby restaurant to “accompany” my gastronomic feat! But it ended up the main course and the “only” course that day! People who tasted the Knorr Wonder were unanimous that I needed a good ass whopping.

But let us look at the bright side friends…yes there is one. Yan did come down that helicopter and thwacked me hard for attempting to cook Chinese with something that is named “Knorr”!! And then the TV reporters laughed at my face and my family threw me out to introspect on the carnage I delivered to the lunch table. I am back home dear friends, but the very mention of "KNORR" has my entire family including dogs go GRR!!!

So all you bachelors and bachelorettes out there, please don’t waste your money buying this abomination. If you have too much, kindly send them over to me. Right now my tongue needs intensive care having lost all its taste eating the insipid goo!! Yeah, my parents made me eat it. “No wasting food” rules are still very much in place in the house. *sigh*

One Knorr Chinese - Rs 25/-
Vegetables and other ingredients - Rs 50/-
Look on peoples face when they ate the end product - Priceless!

There are some things money Knorr a Mastercard can buy! And that's learning from past experiences that only the Chinese can cook Chinese! :(

What's in a name? Everything!

I went to pick up some provisions today for our office Onam function and a product on the store shelf, bought some memories flooding back. A particularly revolting and gross memory that I had successfully regressed myself from over a period of time.

Last year we i.e. my department were invited for a party at a senior management types, house. The occasion was a spectacular performance by our team.

The evening was fun with cocktails, good food and camaraderie and a general feeling of well being. Yours truly was on antibiotics and had to regretfully say no to some fine wine being served by the host and his gracious wife.

The plush Duplex apartment reverberated with the sound of laughter and clinks of fine crystal glasses. As the evening progressed, people formed interest groups and chatted away while an unobtrusive waiter refilled their glasses with some of the finest liquor from around the world.

I was standing in a group comprising of the Boss, the host and a lady colleague from another department. The conversation was engrossing with equal participation from everyone. Midway through the conversation, the host looked at his wrist watch and his half empty glass and languidly reached over to the side cabinet and picked up a packet of Sat Isabgol ( natural laxative). And then, in front of my disbelieving eyes, he poured some of its contents into his glass. He then picked up a spoon, mixed the drink briefly and emptied the glass in one big gulp. The conversation continued unabated around him. Then he poured some water into his glass and downed the remaining stuff that was stuck to his glass.

I looked at Boss but he was pretty intent at driving home a point with the lady. The lady was busy trying to get a word in edgewise, which is next to impossible with my Boss. I managed to keep a straight face for the rest of the evening. When I could not bear it, I laughed uproariously at Boss PJ’s. Finally when I got a chance, I told him of the incident. And then I watched with great satisfaction as he desperately fought to keep a straight face for the rest of the evening.

And if you are wondering why the Boss was having such a tough time keeping a face straight...well...sometime back (as is the practice with Boss with people who piss him off), he had nicknamed the host, 'tightass'!

WISHING YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY ONAM!!

Ze vintage art de ordering food...blah!

Ze small print: Bhery bhery long post. Read if you are very busy and want a really really bad performance appraisal and or pink slip. For better results, please read during your performance appraisal.

I hate to order food! Period. I admire people who can order a good meal. Period. My second bro M is one such people, though I rather be dead than be seen eating with him in a restaurant. Period. In case you are wondering why, it is not such a nice sight to see two grown up siblings throwing food and cutlery at each other in a restaurant no? Not a very polite thing to do to people who have come to the restaurant for a quite meal and quality time together duh!

That reminds me of the time we actually sat at a restaurant alone for 5 minutes. The occasion was bro’s usual Friday lunch out with pals and pals grumbling that they had not see me for a trillion years which in guy language means two and half days. So I went to this restaurant to join them for Friday lunch and found my brother who had come early from some meeting. The both of sat and looked at the menu and by the time the waiter came to take our order, I was lunging at my brother with a knife and he was defending himself with a plate, napkin and flower pot. To cut a very very very long story short, the arrival of his friends and quick assurance to the management that they will ensure that no blood will be spilt during the course of lunch were we allowed to eat, but with wary bouncers keeping a keen eye on the warring siblings. They need not have bothered cos very soon M ordered food and there was absolute silence at the table but for the delicate chink of cutlery and the brief but muffled exclamations of gastronomic ecstasy, from the rest of the folks.

Anyways we have digressed friends. Let me get to the main course. Among my colleagues, Foxy is a good orderer (if there is such a term, if there is not, I am copyrighting it hmmph!). For a guy whose head is stuck in some other realm, he sure knows how to order food! He is a vegetarian, but his "orders" are simply non vegetarian…I mean delicious! He has this uncanny knack of ferreting out (literally) non existing items on the menu, for our dining pleasure. The trick is in asking the waiter I guess. I have asked too...

Me: And what else do you have besides the items listed in the menu?
Waiter: Nothing else besides the items listed in the menu duh!

Now see Foxy in action

Foxy: This Paneer dish...can we have this dry and a little less spicy?
Waiter: Sure sir, I can give you Paneer Akbari, Paneer Lal Mirch, Shredded Paneer with Coriander, Paneer Chutneywallah...
Foxy: Great! Hmm I don't see much variety in Dal…
Waiter: We also have Khata Meeta Dal, Dal Kohlapuri, Kathiawadi Dal, Navratan dal…

I swear none of it was listed in the menu!!! Sigh. No wonder he gets invited out to every team meal in the company and from other companies in the campus too!! I guess I am just not into ordering food or I would also be like Foxy, eating out every week, one week with own company teams and the other week with competitor company teams. And pssst I don’t think the competitors are even bothered that Foxy is from a cut throat rival company.

Team lead: And now Foxy will order lunch for us. He is too good I tell you.
Team Member: And where do you work Foxy?
Foxy: XYZ Corporation!
Team Member: That makes us rabid rivals!! I should be strangling you heh heh!
Foxy: The feeling is mutual heh heh
Team Member (wagging his finger): Now remember young man, I am partial to Spinach.

Ordering food is an art I think and if ordering food is an art, then my bro is Vincent Van Gogh and I am a toddler with crayons. My policy is to flip to the rice section, then the chicken, then the veg and my order is complete! People like my brother and Foxy on the other hand, actually read the menu with a lot of chin scratching (too lazy to shave I guess) and hmmm's thrown in like they are reading a highly complex project specification. Which is perhaps what it is! Dining out is perhaps a very complex procedure which ordinary folks like me do not understand. I guess there are people who can order and those who cannot. I am happy not ordering. In fact I will be happy if someone serves me my food and feeds me too. I am a simple and uncomplicated person.

But people like my bro and many of you here are not the same. You "celebrate" food. Last Sunday, I keenly watched my brother in action as he went about ordering the family lunch. First it was a starter. My instinct was to protest. Starters spoil my appetite. But this time I kept quiet. I decided to watch and learn and not block my learning process with protests. M ordered two starters. And while the waiter went to arrange that, he carefully scanned the menu from top to bottom, page by page. I am sure he noticed the thickness of the paper the menu was printed in and the fonts too. Perhaps he noticed the color of the font and the design too which perhaps helps him in his awesome "ordering" capabilities. Then he called the head waiter for a chat. The chat went like this.

Bro: What do you recommend?
Waiter: Veg or Non Veg sir?
Bro: Both.
Waiter: In that case....

This became a long discussion on the days special, how it could be modified, and what accompaniments it complimented. After the discussion, while the rest of the family was busy with the starters (which I suspect is ordered to keep us bad orderers busy), he scanned the menu again and ordered what turned out to be a totally novel but perfect meal. None of it was what the Head Waiter recommended. Then why on earth did he have the conversation!! I have no idea. Perhaps, waiters and good "orderers" talk between the lines.

Bro: What can you give us in vegetarian?
Waiter: Bhindi Sunhari.
Bro: What bhindi do you use?
Waiter: Pure Bangalore bhindi Sir.
Bro: Which farm?
Waiter: Kempegowda’s farm.
Bro: He has two wives no?
Waiter: Yeah! This was from the land his second wife Yellamma tends to.
Bro: Ah! In that case tell me my man, what else you have in Vegetarian!

I am sure he follows the same procedure for non vegetarian too.

Waiter: And for the non vegetarian let me recommend, Lamb Tikka Lababdaar.
Bro: Lamb? How old?
Waiter: One year!
Bro: Good! And was it fed on cornmeal or natural grass?
Waiter: Natural Hosur grass Sir!!
Bro: And what lineage were his mother and father.
Waiter: Mother is a stock from Dharmapuri and father from Trichy.
Bro: One last question. What time was it born!
Waiter: IST or EST Sir?
Bro: IST my man!
Waiter: That would be precisely 19:40 hrs Sir!
Bro: In that case, we will have two plates my man!

And thus he ordered the perfect meal out of nowhere which I cannot, even if the Lamb was the Nawab of Lababdaar!

I so envy all you good “orderers”. Are you all members of the secret cult of “Great Meal Orderers”? In which case can I please snoop in on your meetings? I swear I will behave myself in the premises and not do unmemberly things like try and swat my brother. I also swear to listen to everything you discuss with great respect. I will even take notes!! Howzzat!!

Something tells me the answer is “No!!” Sigh.

When he was sleeping...

R was sick. R is a typical guy. The type that doesn’t listen to his mommy. So mommy calls me up and tells me to baby sit her 22 year old sonny boy. Now puhleese folks, R is not my BF, but childhood friend and neighbor. So Sunday saw me take my lappie and head towards R's house as his folks had to go to this temple for some pooja. R was already in bed, snoring... drugged with the meds he was taking. Moiself decided to sit on the other side of the bed with the blanket around me as it is a cold and rainy Sunday here in Bangalore.

Pretty soon I was chatting with friends. A friend called Hira (real name), a simble mallu gal logged in from San Francisco. After the usual round of greetings, Hira concentrated her energies on me.


Hira: You at home or at Nina's place?
Me: I am at R's place.
Hira: R! And what you doing there?
Me: I am in bed with him!
Hira: What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Don’t judge me too harshly dee :(
Hira: You alone in the house?
Me: Yeah! His parents have gone to Malleshwaram for some temple festival.
Hira: Anju, this is not right!!
Me: I know :(
Hira: Hope no one saw you coming here.
Me: I think Mallika aunty saw me. :(
Hira: This is not right!! Go home now!
Me: Well…
Hira: Did anything happen?
Me: Yes! :(
Hira: OMG!!
Me: *silence*
Hira: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: *silence*
Hira: O H M Y GOD!!!
Me: :(
Hira: I can't believe this!!! You of all people!!!!
Me: I don’t know how it happened, but it did! :(
Hira: You get back home right NOW! I will call you.
Me: I can’t!
Hira: Why?
Me: I can’t dee! :(
Hira: Why!!! Is your clothes torn?
Me: ROTFL!!!!

I couldn’t continue the charade anymore, not while rolling on the floor laughing my guts out! The accused meanwhile, was fast asleep, not knowing that he had been framed, tried and found guilty of rape "WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING!!"

p.s It is so nice to be bad!! Made my day! *contended sigh*

eeps!

The most embarrassing moment of my life...

I don’t know how I am writing this post, but I am doing it because I want out with it!

I have this habit of making passwords that is derived from some event in daily life. I think an old post of mine covering my password travails is proof enough. So I have had passwords like, pulpyorange (cos I was drinking it at the time), techwebcasts ( cos I was recording sessions by technical experts for webcasts on that day), bangaloreblast ( needs no explanation) etc etc.

So I go to this guy blogger's comment section and write a comment and am busy signing in and don’t notice the cursor jumping to the comment box from the password log in area. I then notice that the password has not been typed in and so point the cursor into the password area again, completely ignoring the comment box and successfully publish comment. Luckily, I went back to the blog to check my comment again and was horrified to see this:

Nice post! I do agree with what you have written here about some girls being a pain during dates. I guess it is because we do not have a dating culture to have sufficiently developed dating etiquettes. periodpain

My hair stood on one end and my eyes popped out like in those cartoons, when I saw my password at the end of the comment. I deleted the comment at lightening speed and prayed rather fervently that they guy had not enabled the comments being mailed to his Inbox feature. I was sooooooo embarrassed for a couple of weeks after that! I still blush at the thought!

Never heard from the blogger again. Maybe he died of embarrassment too! :(

p.s someone please tell me you have done worse *sob*

The wedding flashers!

Think “mallu Christian wedding” and the first thing that flashes in your mind is the flash of a camera. In fact, it is the first thing that greets you as you enter the church for the wedding. A blinding FLASH!! And while you grope around blinded by the flash, you are hit by yet another searing flash, this time the exposure is much longer as it is the Videographers lights being thrust in your face. This completely blinds you and you follow the rest of the church proceeding through a haze, blinking desperately in the vain hope that your vision will somehow surface out of the haze. And just when you are beginning to make out the faint outline of the fat aundy in the bench before you, comes another flash... 'tis time to be photographed as the attentive audience!!! (they have everything covered I tell you.)

You sink into darkness again. The audio is your only clue that the wedding is still going on and you are inside the church. By the time your vision is restored again, the wedding is over and you are wary. You look around wild eyed for the photographer and video guy, petrified they may appear from nowhere and flash you again! And after you spot them, you keep a keen bloodshot eye on them, ready to close your eyes the moment they spot you and say “Hey! Look a gal who can see!! Let’s go blind her!” You spend the rest of the time in the Church covering like an animal being stalked, your senses in full alert ready to flee at the first sign of the "Flash Team”.

When the family album is finally released via Picasa, you look the epitome of piousness with your eyes closed in "prayer" for most part of the wedding, except that smug smirk that will be dismissed by gushing relative as "spiritual ecstasy." Only you know about the middle finger you were holding up behind you. And if you are lucky, they will never catch you err photograph you doing that. (Warning: Please don’t try this during weddings. Only trained people are advised to try this stunt)

After the wedding is over, which you deduce by the Priest saying “I now bless you in the name of the Father *flash* the son *flash* and the Holy Spirit *flash**flash**flash**flash*" you open one eye warily and when the coast is clear i.e the “Flash Team” are flashing someone else ( Definition of’ flash’ and "flashing" - as in photographic flash, please note …sigh) you make a dash for the door.

If you are lucky you get away. But if you are family, then there is no way you will get out of the church without being subjected to some more flashing ( same definition as above). Those who still try will be met with sturdy aundies blocking their way. They are like bouncers, waiting to catch people running away from the mandatory family photograph!! You will be dragged kicking and screaming well...almost and put next to the bride and groom and you groan inwardly as the lights take aim. When the family album is out, you are either seen looking like a man being put in an incinerator, alive or like a poor blind relative.

After you have blinked like a tube light a couple of million times and retrieved your vision, it is time to go for the Reception. You don’t wanna go. But the sturdy aundies make sure everyone has boarded the various vehicles specially arranged to ensure that people do not escape the zapping session at the reception hall. You are transported like a trussed chicken to the reception hall where, if you are lucky, you will escape being flashed while getting down from the bus.

You look for a table away from the crowd, indistinguishable and preferably invisible and then fight a horde of people also looking for a table, away from the crowd, indistinguishable and preferably invisible. If you are lucky, the photo and video guy won’t notice the scuffle and land up to photograph “the event”. And if you are not lucky, the Picasa album will show a horde of blind people fighting over a nondescript table at a remote corner of the hall.

It is pure bliss when the Bride and Bride groom arrive at the reception hall, as every flash worth its weight in gold will be turned on them. You get a much deserved relief from the flash and time to repair your eyes before the next onslaught. After the toast and the cake cutting and the rest of the rituals are over, you groan as the “Flash Team” turns their gaze towards the crowd. From then on, you synchronize your visits to other tables with the Flash Team’s departure from the table. Then you realize that everyone is doing the same. When the Picasa album is aired for general viewing, it will show a whole crowd of people playing musical tables in the hall and a very bewildered “Flash Team” looking very bewildered at the unruly and uncreative crowd that refuses to sit still to be flashed.

Food is eaten at express speed when people see the “Flash Team” approaching and when they near their table the whole table gets up for dessert. Not to be outdone the “Flash Team” will follow them to the dessert section only to have the whole crowd escape back to their tables. The Flash Team, totally frustrated by now use the dreaded "Trap and Flash” tactics.

Err miss which is the non veg section?
To your right
*Flash*
*grope*

Saar, where is the toilet?
This way!
*Flash”
%#$%@%@

Ladies! Which one of you is Shinty Thomas?
No one!
Thank you! *Flash*
Aiyyo!

Soon the Flash Team sits down to eat and you look around and find their equipment is missing. You join the general cursing that emanates from the masses similarly expressing their disappointment at their inability to smash the equipment. You promise to yourself that one day you will find it and smash it before the others!

Soon its time to go the bridegroom’s house for the “bride handing over ceremony”. The aundies ensure that you are once again transported willy nilly to the bridegrooms house. And if you have by any chance made any remark about the need to leave for home early to escape further flashing, then you will get the first chance to be flashed with the couple after the "bride handing over ceremony.”

While you grope your way out of the house, getting slapped and punched for touching people in the wrong places, you realize in a 'flash' that retinal damage, ligament tear and permanent blindness is all part of the fun of the big fat achayan wedding! :)

Holy Molly!

I was reading this interesting piece of news the other day. Some scientists in the US err studied the mating behavior of the male Molly (sic) fish and found something the world never knew before about Molly fish. 'The male Molly fish doesn’t like to mate when being watched!'

Wow!! I could have told you that without any ‘study’!!

There are more interesting findings in this err study! According to the article, the male Molly fish shows scant regard to the lady he fancies, so that other males think that 'she is not good enough’ and thus be misled into ignoring her. This means all the other Molly males are also doing the same! Then how on earth do they manage to produce any baby Molly's at all!!

Which lead the researchers to the scientific conclusion that…

Male Molly fish are dumb!!

and that…

They will be extinct soon!

and further that…

all the lovely Molly ladies out there had better start looking elsewhere for love and babies! According to the scientists there are more then enough macho Trouts and Salmons out there, looking out for a sneaky affair and/or inter caste marriages!

And if they take the mallu route to naming their kids, we will soon have a lot of little Trolly's and Molmon’s gurgling joyfully in the streams (oblivious to the future when they grow up and go to ‘school’ with such names! )

Now if you are wondering why the researchers bothered to waste their time watching some dumb fishes and their unexciting procreational acts, then you will be surprised to know, that it was for the better understanding of the biological processes of marine life which will help researchers in stemming the decline in marine life in our water bodies.

Ha! Ha! Kidding! The real reason peoples was, *drum rolls* the study had grant of 14 million dollars!!!

Holy Molly! Now that’s a lot of money for watching fish porn err fish behavior don’t you think!!

Research anyone?

Original article here!

Whats the good word, again?

“Anjali!!" the voice crackled in the phone. “XYZ Newspaper is coming to interview your Boss. Get him ready for Press!”

“But” I interjected. “You guys are supposed to prime him for the Press!!”

“I want nothing to do with that Bulldog” snarled the PR Manager! And she slammed the phone down. I cursed the boss for calling her a beached whale and her, for calling him a Bull Dog and he in turn for calling her….never mind. Their petty quarrels had landed me in a thick soup now. I do have some PR experience, but this was an important interview and the Boss’s first interview too. An enormous responsibility lay on my shoulder and I knew that I had to deliver.

The right thing to do would be to resign and run away or run away without resigning. But then I have a notice period of two months to serve and the interview was a couple of days away!! So resignation was out of the question. Maybe I could contract Chicken Pox, I thought. All I have to do is drop into my old Alma Mater, and walk into the Primary Section and lo behold I would have Chicken Pox!! (Trust me it works! But then you may contract intestinal worms too, so be careful!)

Then it struck me that I had already finished with my bout of Chicken Pox!!! So I had to reluctantly discard that plan too. Which left me with one possible solution and that was *drum roll* waylay the reporter and kidnap him and threaten to kill him if takes the interview!! But then Mrs. Beached Whale would find another reporter to interview Mr Bull Dog err Boss!! Sigh!

So I decided to take the bull dog by its horn (goes without saying “no pun intended”). Bull Dog err Boss was very cooperative.

“Anjali, let me handle this” he said kindly!
“How many interviews have you given boss?” I asked, equally kindly!
“None” he said confidently!
“Then” I continued kindly. “Let ‘me’ handle this!”

The interview preparation of the most straight forward man in the universe began...right after I had lit 200 candles at Infant Jesus Church! This would be a more difficult task than making the Shiv Sena celebrate Valentine’s Day or persuading the Left parties in Kerala to give up their estates, lavish bungalows and TV channels! And hence the precaution.

With trepidation and a sense of impeding doom I took the Boss’s preparatory class.

Me: Boss, you must listen to the question properly. For example, "What does your quarterly result indicate?"
Boss: It means we are doomed :(
Me: Nooooo!!! err I mean....you do not summarize everything so succinctly Boss!!
Boss: What else can I say? The figures speak for themselves!! Hmmpph!
Me: You must say - "Current figures are reflective of industry trends and we are not expecting any deviation from the same. The market is however buoyant and we expect a significant though not major shift and a few surprises"
Boss: Please speak in English young lady!
Me (ignoring him): Try again. Here’s a question -“What do you think will be a significant contributor to your next quarterly results?"
Boss: People coming to work on time, taking shorter tea breaks, fewer leaves...aha ha ha!
Me: That was perhaps the poorest PJ I have heard!
Boss: :(
Me: Coming back to the question, you must reply - “I see a paradigm shift in market trends owing to the rapid changes in the industry's vertical focus…"
Boss (mouth agape): What was that again!!
Me( beaming rather proudly): That was deflective technology.
Boss: What’s that! Never heard of it before!
Me: That’s my parlance for ‘avoiding questions’ adroitly!
Boss: err...is it possible for you to take the interview?
Me (reassuringly): You will do just fine. If you are lost, just look at me and I will take over.

The interview went fine … well nearly.

Journo: Mr Boss, how many years of experience do you have in this industry?
Boss: hmm let me think...
Me (quickly): Over 100 man hours in object-oriented design and implementation, Project management, Multiple processor use and runtime optimization, Solution Architecture, Enterprise, Solutions, Infrastructure besides vast experience in non technical skills like Performance Competencies.
Boss: Huh?
Journo: What are the challenges you are anticipating in the face of global recession.
Boss: To begin with...
Me: What he means is …right now we are keeping a close eye on the market developments and will align and adjust our product roadmap as the trends change.
Journo: Did you expect to see such overwhelming negative reaction from users for your product XYZ?
Boss: I admit...no! :(
Me: Ahem…of course!!! A negative response was expected from the outset. Our product is unique and a genre-defying and it is very hard to make an estimate based on initial reactions. Judging from the latest reports however, we could safely say that users are not any less enthusiastic about XYZ!
Journo: Huh?
Boss: Huh?
Me (quickly): Next question please!!
Journo: What is your current position in the market?
Boss: Pretty bad...
Me (hastily): What he means is ….to answer this question we first have to define which part of the market you are talking about. Is it retail, OEM etc. Right now our plan is to expand beyond these markets. So our growth is dynamic now and we cannot churn out static figures that would enable you to pin us down on the Billboard. However we can safely say it will definitely be exceeding our expectations!
Boss: *giggle*
Journo: The XYZ recently released was related to software. According to its specifications ABC application software will require the implementation of blah blah and blah blah. Can you explain us how you plan to handle these three elements and how they are applied in your upcoming software, and what technical issues relate to their implementation?
Boss (brightening up at the techie jargon): Well….
Me: Well...since our software is used in PC Software applications...

Boss picks up a National Geographic grumpily and starts thumbing through it.

Boss (looking up from the magazine): Maybe I will go get some Tea for all of us!
Me: Sit down!!
Boss (hopefully): Maybe some cold drinks?
Journo: I would like coffee please.
Boss (getting up in a hurry): *whew* Thank you!!! Err I mean I will have it sent right away!

In the evening, as I sat drinking cup after cup of very strong coffee to calm my nerves and steady my shaking hands, I made a firm resolve. No, it is not to resign and run away or contract Chicken Pox and or Intestinal worms. I firmly resolved that, whatever the girth of Mrs Beached Whale formidable a***, I will kiss it if it means that I don’t have to babysit the Boss through another interview again.

So help me God!

Song I am listening to - Dance with Me by Nouvelle Vague

Down frustration lane...

There are some people in this world...okay there are more than some...there are many people in this world who are born without that vital part of the brain, that enables them to understand directions. You put these people in a desert and point to the only road and say "Do you see a road here?" And they will say "Where?"

You get the point? In my profession, I spend a huge amount of time giving directions to people, mostly vendors to our office. So there was this new Gift vendor who wanted to come to our office to show me some samples. This is how my time was spent from 10 am to 2 pm today!

Vendor (calling on mobile): Where exactly is your office?
Me: Do you know Hotel ABC on Koramangala Ring Road?
Vendor: Yes!
Me: Great! Give me a call when you reach there and I will guide you the rest of the way.

45 minutes later:

Vendor: I have reached Hotel ABC!
Me: Do you see a road diagonally opposite to it?
Vendor: No! There is no road here!
Me: There is ONLY one road in front of it, and that leads to my office. Please come on that road.
Vendor: Okay!

Half an later:

Vendor: I have come down that road.
Me: Where are you now?
Vendor: Near the traffic signal (5 kilometers away)
Me: What???? Why did you go down the main road?
Vendor: You told me to go down the road in front of ABC Hotel!!
Me: %#$#%%@

Another half an hour later:

Vendor: I am in front of ABC Hotel again.
Me: Great! Let me open a bottle of champagne!
Vendor: Cham....what did you say!
Me: Never mind! You come down that road!

Half an later:

Vendor: I have reached Shoppers Stop!
Me: Jesus Christ!! Where are you?
Vendor: Bannarghatta! ( 20 kilometers way)
Me: But I told you to come to Hotel ABC on Koramangala Ring Road!!!
Vendor: Oh that road yeah? I thought you meant the ABC Hotel near BTM layout!
Me: *Unprintable*

As if that wasn't enough, such people don’t know how to take a hint too. Or do they? :-S

Time: 2 pm - He arriveth complete with a bag of Gifts that I had asked him to bring. We meet in the conference room!

Vendor: First I give company presentation.
Me: No thanks! Just show me the gifts!
Vendor: See presentation madam. Very good. You get good idea of our company.
Me: I have a meeting....
Vendor ( taking out an album): Our company, Thoughtful Gifts was started in 1897 by Ghansham Das Pyarelal Udham Suresh Haldiram!
Me: Can you show me the gifts please.
Vendor: One day Ghanshamdasji's grandfather was praying at the Sri Durga Temple in Saurashtra...
Me (digging into his bag): This plaque looks cool
Vendor: I will show all madam...and then the goddess appeared to him and...
Me: How much for this Clock cum pen holder.
Vendor: ...then Ghanshamdasji's grandfather had a vision and ....
Me: How much for this FM Radio?
Vendor:...founded this organization. We have dairy farm also!
Me: And how much for this World Clock?
Vendor (pained): Apne tho presentation suna hi nahin! ( But you did not see the presentation!)
Me: I did. Very touching story. So how much for this World Clock?
Vendor (smiling gently): Nahin madam. Tho batayiyen Ghansham Dasji ke beta ka nama kya tha? ( No you didn’t. Tell me what was the name of Ghansham Dasji's son?)
Me: Mooorrrthy!!!
Vendor ( triumphantly): Nahin!!!!! (incorrect)
Murthy (procurement manager): What happened? Why are you screaming like this?
Me ( in kannada): Get this joker out and I don’t want to see him again!!! grrr
Murthy: There is no force on this Earth that can do it. He will come up with a presentation telling me why it is better to do work with him. And I will have to sit and listen to him. Company practices you see. Every Vendor needs to be given a fair hearing :(
Me: How do I get rid of him?
Vendor: If you worried about price, I give discount. But only for bulk orders ji!
Murthy: Tell him that you are traveling to the US and will get back to him next year.
Vendor: Aapk log kya phoos phoos kar rahe ho! [Why are you two going 'phoos phoos' (whispering) ]
Me: Nice meeting you Mr Patel. Unfortunately I am being transferred to the US. So I will get back to you in case I have any requirement!
Vendor: We have US branch too!
Murthy: *Groan*
Vendor: I give US branch presentation!
Me: *Groan*

Today I met the Vendor again. He was giving a presentation to another department. The Manager of that department has suddenly been transferred to Norway. His assistant is going to Seychelles I think. Clever buggers!! They thought of places where Thoughtful Gifts doesn’t have a branch!! Guess I have a lot to learn! :(

Real time training!

This post was inspired from an actual mail ‘exchange’ between our Sysadmin and my Boss.

Dear Silverine's Boss,

Hope you are in the pink of health as you should be, being Silverine's boss ha ha. I am writing to you with regard to her wonly. Ms Silverine is proving to be an invaluable resource for us IT folks in this office. And I am writing to you to request, that she be made part of our team as a valuable training resource for our fresher's and others. I know my request sounds a little odd, but please hear me out.

Whenever I have a fresher join us, I delegate him to attend to Silverine "only." In no time he either quits,saving me a lot of trouble or gets right back to his basics... which I could never get them to do. I have my fresher's now, hard at work re-reading their training course material that they never do otherwise. When they go home, they scour their engineering course material for things they had forgotten or didn't bother to study, as according to them "that girl has the entire computer problems in the world that we thought had been done away with."

It is so gratifying to see the overconfidence in these youngsters vanish after one trouble shooting session with Silverine. In my 20 years of experience in trainings freshers, I have never seen anything more effective than that girl in driving over confident youngsters to their training manuals.

I am also thankful to her, for graciously logging the most number of complaints ever recorded in the history of this company. This will keep my people on their toes and out of trouble for another year or so.

I don't have to scream till I am my face blue anymore asking these youngsters to do routine preventive measures like the dreaded 'windows/system32/config/system file is missing error' by backing up config folder! Now they do it on their own! Amazing!

This girl is an asset and I request that you relieve her of her duties and delegate her to us for our training and readiness purposes.

Yours truly,

Sysadmin

Boss's reply:

F$%@ off!

p.s Why do you think I hired her? When the going gets tough and everything appears bleak, I have to only look at her and realize that things can get worse. And then I count my blessings.

Request denied!

Warm regards,

Silverine's boss

Badwill hunting!

Have you noticed the web advertisements of a job portal with this really catchy headline?

Fed up of your boss/colleague? Refer him to us!!

Very innovative no? What an incredibly devious way to get people to refer colleagues!!! Heh heh

And now...who was that %#$@ who referred my name to that site!!!!

Kindly raise your hands so that I can chop it off!! grr

Have a nice weekend folks. I will be very busy this weekend. Please pray that I catch him/her. And when I do....pray harder for him/her!!

Blue Screen Nirvana!

The other day I came across a vigilante site...you know the kind that has news and updates about bad boy Microsoft, that we all read and then promptly forget about, when our Internet Explorer hangs or system reboots. Our "memory" is short and hence MS rules the hate waves bobbing up and down as swell and after swell of love-hate currents keep it afloat.

So I was at this site called Windowsvistasucksdotcom. I wanted to leave a comment asking why he uses Vista if it sucks and if he doesn’t use it then why is he grumbling, but comments were disabled.

The home page had brief snippets of articles titled, “Microsoft Sucks” and “Microsoft Sucks Big Time” etc with a clickable link to read the full story. There are people who click these links peoples. Yes, the types that are optimist that for once there will something new here like:

Microsoft is a rat
Microsoft is a donkey!

So here I was like a good Netizen reading up on the big bad wolf that we all hate to love and love to hate, when something caught my attentive eye. It was the layout of the news:


Dell refuses to discontinue Windows XP!

Dell, a major partner of Microsoft has categorically refused to discontinue Windows XP in it PC's and Laptops, due to consumer demand.....

Read more at BoycottNoveldotcom

The article at Boycott Novell also was truncated with:

Read more at CrushLenovodotcom

and then onto

Read more at Appleisnotbigdealdotcom

Read more at DecimateIBMdotcom

Read more at KillInfosysdotcom

Read more at TCSManagerssuckdotcom

Read more at StoneAccenturebecausetheyrejectedmyresumedotcom

Read more at CTSisaslavedriverdotcom

Read more at DownwithNarayanaMurthydotcom

etc etc


Notice anything strange here? Naah? I thought so.

Anyways after clicking through those links I finished reading the entire piece on how Dell refused to give up XP and then I came upon an interesting piece of news at annihilatetheworlddot com. It read....

"Microsoft has irked consumers and corporate customers with the most recent version of its Windows operating system,"

Wow! I thought. All the Windows haters must be dancing with joy right? Vista will kill Windows after Microsoft kills XP!! So I read on breathlessly...

Windows Vista requires, hefty investments in PC hardware and offers a paucity of compelling new features in return. Now there are signs that companies' are reluctant to install Vista so why oh why Steve Balmer are you killing XP *sob* Please don’t do this to us. Pleeassseee. How can you idiots ignore consumer’s demands!!! I hate you all!!! Microsoft sucks. Why do we bother with Windows when we have Linux and Ubuntu. Please Balmer, don’t scrap XP. I am begging you.....*boo hoo*


I couldn’t read a more...there was an awful noise coming from the site. Some .mpeg file I guess. I closed the Window and left. I can’t stand the sound of whining!!


That reminds me of this conversation that took place between me and Sam:

Hi Sam, got a minute?

I am busy da!

But you are doing nothing!!

System rebooting you see

Oh!

Hey Windows is back again, we can talk now!

Great!

Wait...some fatal exception has occurred.

Ok!

Oh no! Local scripting has been disabled!

You take your time Sam!

My Device Manager is also reporting an error! #$%@ Windows!!!

Why don’t you install Linux or Ubuntu???

Err hmmm ahem my system wont support them you see. These $#@ PC manufacturers are in cohort with the evil empire!! I hate them all!!! Oh thank god, Windows is back again!!

Now I am neither Pro nor Anti Microsoft as I have stated before. But I do believe that people who have a choice don’t crib. And those who crib, really don’t want the choice!

Internal marketing! A case study!

There are some times in your life, that you are faced with challenges that stretch your imagination to the limit. It is a do or die situation! And you cannot afford to lose. One such situation happened to me recently.

I was doing this marketing campaign across several cities last month. As part of the goodies given out during the campaign, we froze on Polo mints as an ideal give away among other things. We ordered several cartons of the same, branded with our logo on the label and felt pretty pleased with ourselves. The campaign was a huge success and we distributed the Polo to everyone and sundry who attended...or did not. After reaching Bangalore, we we were pleasantly unsurprised to find that we had another 100 cartons of Polo left with us. We had gone and ordered too much!! My work station looked like a retail warehouse!!!

While I was collecting my wits about me, the Boss walks past, takes one look at the heaped cartons and promptly collapsed laughing. If looks could kill, I would be in jail now for murdering my Boss! His 'ha ha he he' rang cruelly in my ears after navigating through the hundreds of cartons lying around my desk. Sticking my tongue out at his receding back, I did what I usually do when faced with such grave crisis i.e wonder what the big deal was and promptly got back to work happily ignoring the Polo!

By mid afternoon I was busy playing a rather tough game of Solitaire, my chair sitting precariously on six cartons of Polo, the external monitor of my Laptop atop four cartons of Polo and my laptop on two cartons of Polo. People passing by were chuckling and some really cruel jokes about someone’s breath rend the air which I ignored with practiced ease. Sometimes it got a little too much and I took some quality time out to throw a whole lotta Polo rolls at lotsa peoples retreating backs. Their *ouch* was sweet music to the ears, besides it succeeded in getting rid of some Polo. Very nice!

In the afternoon Boss called me and my teammates for a friendly chat. "Get rid of those Polo guys or I reduce one thousand rupees for every carton from your take home salary heh heh” he chuckled amiably. We looked at each other in dismay! That would make us bankrupt twice over!! We would now have to *gulp* eat dosas from the cart vendor!! “And you cannot throw it in the dust bin understood?” said the Boss, cutting in our reverie. "Remember company policy Anjali" he said wagging his finger "NO WASTAGE!! Now get rid of those cartons!"

With the threat of eating dosas from the cart vendor looming over our heads, we huddled together for a pow wow. People like mints, we reasoned. So we will offer them one. That’s it! Simple! We would have got rid of the cartons by the end of the week and eating dosas from Ballal!!! We were so happy!

Our week went somewhat like this.

Marketing Communications Group Member (MCGM) to colleague: Here’s some Polo for you!
Colleague: Thanks!!!

MCGM: Care for some Polo!
Colleague: Okay!

MCGM: Polo?
Colleague: No Thanks!

MCGM: Pol..
Colleague: NO!!!!

MCGM: Po...
Colleague: *thwack*!!!!

Our plan was in disarray and we were in dismay!! We had succeeded in getting rid of 20 cartons only!! 80 more cartons remained. So we hatched another plan. It was called the “SHOCK AND SEDATE” plan. According to the plan we would wait at the entrance in the morning and when people started trickling into the office, pounce on them, grab them, sedate them and when they woke up at their work stations, they would have their pockets, drawers etc stuffed with Polo!!! Whatay plan! We were so impressed by ourselves!! The plan had to be quickly shelved and renamed “Shock and Awe” when we realized that none of knew anything about sedatives. The Shock and Awe” plan was a success!

Hey Nagraj!! Look! A flying giraffe!!!
Where?
*pop*

We succeeded in popping another 20 cartons this way. That left us with 60 cartons and people closing their mouth before saying "Where?"

Next plan was called the “Allure and Secure” plan. As per the plan we made posters. The posters showed a guy team mate eating Polo and being besieged by girls, (modeled by us gals).The guy seemed to be literally being molested in the posters. The poster attracted a lot of interest and we managed to reduce another 20 cartons from our kitty. However our celebrations were cut short when the Facilities staff rudely pulled our posters down after female colleagues complained of housekeeping guys, A/C mechanics and AMC guys reeking of Polo pacing aggressively before their cubicles.

We were now left with 40 cartons. Boss's deadline of "get rid of that thing before next weekend" was fast approaching. So we did what people in despair do. We are after all the communications team no? So we sent mails with subjects like this our dealers. "TAKE 100 BOXES OF OUR PRODUCT AND GET 10 CARTONS OF POLO ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! TAKE NONE AND YOU STILL GET 10 CARTONS FREE!!"

We got rid off another 20 cartons this way. The move led to a marginal dip in sales, but then who cares? That is the Sales people’s headache no? Duh!

We were now left with 20 cartons and all options closed. People were avoiding us like the plague and even our creditors ran for their lives the moment we said “Polo.”

So we hit upon another novel plan. A contest called “BREATH ANALYZER” was organized. Random people would be hauled up for a breath analyzer test and people with 1000 micro grams of Mint or less in their breath would take home three cartons of Polo. There was a mad scramble for Polo after this announcement and we got rid of another 10 cartons this way.


But we still had 10 cartons of Polo left with us. So we decided we will do what we had hoped we would not have to do. And that is EAT IT OURSELVES!!! Pretty soon we were gagging and had to think of another plan after the fumes had died down. So we generated the "RANDOM ELIMINATION" plan. We met with both failure and success in equal measure.

Security: Madam please swipe your Access card.
MCGM (deliberately hiding access card): I forgot it at home Yeshwanth!
Security: Then you will have to take a Temporary Access Card Madam.
MCGM: Sure! If you take a carton of Polo from me!
Security: Aiyyo!! No Madam! Married man madam! Two wife three children madam! You may go in madam! Tomorrow bring access card okay?
MCGM: @$#%@


MCGM: Mr Marketing Manager (MM), please approve the ads I sent to you yesterday!
MM: I am traveling. Will do it positively next week! Is that fine with you?
MCGM: Sure!! If you agree to take home two cartons of Polo!!
MM: @$#%@.

We got rid of the rest of cartons this way and were celebrating in exhaustion at the cafeteria when a colleague from another group, popped in to ask if we had any spare cartons to give him for one of his events. He needed approximately 100 cartons he said you see.

He never knew what hit him. But when he regained consciousness, he was in the hospital, holding empty cartons of Polo!

A birth-right with no takers

Foxy was sitting alone, as usual, having lunch, which was unusual! He seemed engrossed in some complex algorithms. Perhaps the project he was working on would conjure up computers from thin air, like in those movies, where an image of a monitor seems to hang in air and people actually touch and work on it! I took my lunch and shamelessly plonked myself on his table. Sitting with Foxy has many advantages. No one approaches you with a "Would you able to do a tech event for me in two hours in Timbuktoo? Oh you are having lunch!! I am so sorry! But will you be able to do it?" kinda conversations! The lunch will go on peacefully with not a word uttered, and people will avoid your table like the plague.

Ramesh: Hey Foxy! How are you man!!
Foxy (absent mindedly): Alive!
Ramesh: Heh heh aren’t we all. Aur batha. What’s happening in your life!
Foxy (staring into the distance): Nothing!
Ramesh: No news is good news yeah?! And the love life!! *wink* *wink*
Foxy (picking up the dessert): I bought a new car!
Ramesh: Chalo you have lunch. I will go and bang my head against the wall over there.
Foxy ( in deep thought): mmm bye!

Ramesh is pretty new you see or he would have avoided our table like the plague.

Foxy and I ate in silence. He, deep in thought and unaware of my presence. Me, shamelessly using him to have a quite lunch…like many others before me, who were not as quick as me today to sit at his table ahead of them. Jealous glances darted my way! There are quite a few people here you see who want to be left in peace during lunch.

Foxy forked the food into his mouth mechanically, his mind far away. He was probably thinking "On dividing both sides of equation (1) by cos2 A, we obtain tan2 A + 1 = 1 / cos2 A = sec2 A. Equation (2) is proved." I was thinking, “if I break this awful chapathi into small pieces and wash it down with water, would my misery be cut short by say, 25 seconds?!" Foxy's eyes glazed over, he had left the physical world and was now living only in the mind. He was probably calculating "On dividing both sides of equation (1) by sin2 A,we obtain 1 + cot2 A = 1/sin2 A = cosec2 A. Equation (3) is proved" While I was wondering “if I coat the entire contents on my plate with pickle, would it make easier to gobble it down hastily?”

Then I made a mistake! A lapse in concentration actually, as it was getting too difficult to concentrate on the uncooked rice, watery dal, and rubbery veggies and over spiced chicken curry!

Me: Foxy! I think you guys are really lucky, that you do not have to go through pregnancy and childbirth!
Foxy: Duh! Huh!
Me: Look at Anita there. Poor thing can hardly walk with that stomach. Jiten on the other hand looks trim as ever. No inkling that his wife is pregnant! This is so unfair!
Foxy (addressing the wall): hmmm but then men miss out on the whole birthing process you know! It is a big loss!
Me: You mean, they actually regret not having to go through the whole messy process!!!
Foxy (addressing the plate): Yes! They too feel robbed you know!
Me: Wow! I never thought of it that way!
Foxy (addressing a piece of cauliflower on his fork): It is unfair actually!
Me: Yep!
Foxy (cleaning up the table around his plate with a tissue): On the men, I mean!
Me: Oh!
Foxy (still cleaning): They say that they feel like they have no say in the matter after the conception!
Me: hmm you mean they feel used?
Foxy (eyes wide open and fixed at me): err no!! I mean NO!!!! For gods sake where do you get such ideas from!!!
Me: :(
Foxy: Sigh...sorry for snapping like that. But your imagination is too much for me. Wish I had some of that. Right now I could really use some. I am at a dead end!
Me: Ah! That explains the forking of food in your mouth mechanically. Usually you ignore it.

Foxy got up and walked off with the plate. I picked up his mobile, car keys, wallet, PDA, Laptop, Pen, Pencils, Zune and some other stuff and followed him. After depositing his plate at the sink he went over to the coffee machine for some coffee. I did the same, intrigued at what he had told me. By the time I reached the vending machine, Foxy had already started walking back to his workstation. Now Foxy is 6 feet 2 inches tall. This means he was at his work station in two and half steps. I reached 15 minutes later, huffing and puffing with the load I was carrying plus the notebook, calculator, scale, a book on “Active Reviews for Intermediate Design” and some other stuff he had left near the vending machine.

Foxy was at his desk, looking around with a puzzled look. His mobile, car keys, wallet, PDA, Laptop, Pen, Pencils, Zune, notebook, calculator, scale a book on “Active Reviews for Intermediate Design” and some other stuff were missing. I put the stuff on his table, sat down next to him, unlocked my laptop and maximized Internet Explorer. It was at Page 234 of Telugu Matrimonial, just the way I had left it before going for lunch. There was a particularly cute girl I wanted to show Foxy.

Me: Look, this girl is cute isn’t she? She is highly qualified and a Brahmin too!!!
Foxy: Interesting.
Me: Really? You like her!!!! *whew* finally we are making some progress!!
Foxy: hmm interesting to see a site that handles credit cards and financial transactions running on .php instead of ASP! I would have nothing to do with this site if I were you!
Me: %#$@# !!!
Foxy: Did you say something?
Me: Do you know Telugu Matrimony gets the maximum number of hits from our office???
Foxy: Huh!
Me: That’s how hard we are all working for you for gods sake!!!! And you are looking at the technical configuration of the site instead of the girls!!!
Foxy: Ooops!
Me: Sigh…anyways, so you were telling me that men miss the whole pregnancy and childbirth process?
Foxy: Yes they do I am told. When their wife is in labor, they too hurt….on the inside *pointing to his stomach*
Me: Does that mean they would, if given a chance go through pregnancy and childbirth!
Foxy: Of course!! I would and I am sure my entire married friends too!!
Me: Wow! Well there is good news for you all then! Pun intended heh heh
Foxy: What is a pun?
Me: Never mind. What I was going to say is that, a doctor in the US has created an artificial womb that can sustain pregnancy in men to full term. This will enable fathers to experience the whole childbirth process!! Isn’t that good news for you all guys!!!!!
Foxy: *gulp*
Me: In fact in the US and increasingly in the Europe, pre marital agreements spell out the number of pregnancies the wife will go through and vice versa!!!
Foxy: *double gulp*
Me: Now Indian men too, can show their wives how much they love them by getting pregnant though the birth will be cesarean of course.
Foxy (going white in the face): Where did you read all this?
Me: The…
Foxy (interrupting): Excuse me, but I have to go now!
Me (completing the sentence): …Onion!

But Foxy was gone, headed towards the Boss’s cabin.Ten minute later, my boss came running. He looked very excited!

Boss: Silverine, what did you do to that thing, err guy???
Me: err nothing!
Boss: Something you said animated it err I mean him!!
Me: What do you mean?
Boss: I have worked with it ahem I mean him, for over 15 years now. I have never seen him happy, or sad or angry. He has never taken a days leave! In fact he will work 24/7/365 if we did not kick him out of office at 6 pm.
Me: So?
Boss: He has just taken half day leave…says he is feeling sick and giddy and needs to lie down!!!
Me: Really! *GRIN*
Boss: This feels so good!! Thank you!
Me: The pleasure, I assure you is all mine! *Evil Smile*

S.O.S!!

I am sure you all have heard the recorded promotional jingles and messages that your phone company sends your way via persistent ringing of the phone, (that does not let up till you take the phone and throw it against the wall), at any time of the day irrespective of the fact that it may be a Saturday or Sunday when, after a really long week of work, work and some more work, you are trying to have a well deserved afternoon nap!! Rings a bell huh? Sorry about the pun. That was cruel I know!

I want someone here who knows coding, to write a simple piece of code, that can analyze and monitor all outgoing promotional calls for phone companies. This software, which we will christen as Promo Call Slam Statcounter, will give telephone companies, a comprehensive view of how sucky their promotional jingles and messages are, and how quickly people put down their phone when they hear the familiar "Hey You want to meet Shah Rukh Khan? Call us at Rs 10/- per second and answer some inane questions. Best of luck sucker! *snigger*". (Background music: Kkkkrazy Kkkkiya Re!!)

The same code should be modified for another application! This time, to monitor how quickly people disconnect their phones when they hear the familiar “Hello! Mr Loser? Hi I am from ICICI Bank...." We will christen this code Telecall Slam Statcounter.

The code can be further modified to eradicate yet another pet peeeve of ours. Promotional SMS's that is sent by those infernal four digit numbers!! We will christen this code as Promo SMS Delete Statcounter. This code will analyze and monitor how many subscribers delete the SMS's without reading them and in how many seconds, do people who open it through sheer habit, wipe it off the face of the earth!

The person who delivers the code will get to buy me coffee! See how nice I am no?

Now get cracking all you Codies!! Saturday approacheth! I haven’t had an afternoon nap for 4567 consecutive Saturday and Sundays! *sob*

A gult edged dilemma

‘Anju’ said my senior Gult colleague as he walked up to my work station. “Let’s go for a walk.”
“Why? Is there no other bakra willing to come with you?” I asked sympathetically.
“No” he admitted dejectedly.
“You poor thing” I exclaimed as I locked my lappie, secretly thanking my stars for the break from the ongoing wrestling match with Excel, in which Excel is currently winning and will perhaps emerge victorious by the end of the day, according to the punters in the office. Brisk betting is going on. The odds are 2000 to 1 against me. Sigh.

I locked the desk drawers and the both of us walked out of the building. My Gult (Telugu) colleague, is one of those MIT types who was kicked out of MIT because they had nothing else to offer him anymore. Hence the intellectual gap between him and me is roughly twice the distance from the Sun to its farthest neighbor. Which is very very very very far even I know.

My colleague like all Gult babies was named to ensure that no computer form in the world will have enough columns to accommodate his name. When he travels abroad, he usually lends his laptop to accommodate the tail end of his name on the various official computers. We lovingly call him Foxy, which is shortened from “"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” a 35-letter phrase that uses all the letters of the English alphabet. His name, according to his parents has all the Telugu alphabets in it you see and hence the logic.

Foxy breathed a heavy sigh and looked at the blue yonder for sometime. He seemed fascinated by a lady who looked like a sack of Watermelons, playing Golf. He tore his eyes away from what would have been considered a classically beautiful figure a few centuries ago and looked at me.

Foxy: You know I like you mallu gals.
Me: Thank you!
Foxy: You guys are so down to Earth and…
Me: And?
Foxy: And….*waves his hand in circles*
Me: Buxom?
Foxy ( horrified): No!!! Noooo! I meant wholesome!
Me: So?
Foxy: Our gals on the other hand have a mind of their own!
Me: errr ok! Is that good or bad?
Foxy: Bad! Very bad I tell you!
Me: My condolences.

I think of one of my closest friend, I mean very close friend, make it bestest buddy…she reads this blog you know and is on very close terms with one bhai who lives across the border. Close terms as in several transactions close. Now this gal will not be too happy to hear this. She is Gult you see and has a mind of her own.

Foxy kept one leg on the low wall like NTR in a Telugu blockbuster and sighed again. The watermelon lady was nowhere to be seen.

Foxy: I am 38 you know and quite set in my ways!
Me: Let me sum up the situation here… you are set in your ways and any prospective bride will have a mind of her own right?
Foxy: Right!
Me: You will die a bachelor, man!

Foxy wandered over to the fountain and sat at its edge like a Telugu superstar in a mythological block buster. I followed him. This was getting fun! The waters gurgled and giggled. A soft breeze caressed our face. Foxy seemed oblivious to all this.

Foxy: *sigh*
Me: Did you say anything!
Foxy: My parents want me to get settled you know!
Me: Quite understandable. You are not getting any younger!
Foxy: Don’t rub it in!
Me: Sorry!
Foxy: And you know the problems with our girls….
Me: Lemme guess…they have a mind of their own right?
Foxy: Exactly!
Me: Why don’t you marry a non gult girl then? *under my breath* "A zombie perhaps?"
Foxy: My parents will never allow that.
Me: You are in a jam, man!
Foxy: Precisely! Which is why I have decided to remain a bachelor.
Me: err... then why all this exercise. I mean calling me out and going through this soul searching?
Foxy: I like talking to you. You listen…and don't talk back. The others are pretty set in their ways you know. They have a mind of their own!
Me: I am glad you are not getting married.
Foxy: Me too!
Me: I am glad for a different reason though.
Foxy: Huh?
Me: Never mind!