Satan

Every night when I am sitting at my comp, I can feel a steady gaze burning into my back from beyond the windows and the dark of the trees in the night. A shiver runs up my spine as I feel those eyes upon me….. I dare not look around. Because I know what is. I do not have to turn around to see who it is. It is Satan!

Satan is a chubby two year old Alsatian, who, according to the paperwork is my brother M’s dog. He is a highly obedient, intelligent and well trained dog.

M: Here Satan, come here boy!
Satan: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
M: Good boy Satan, come here Satan, $%$^#& I said come here right now you mangy critter or I will hand you over to the SPCA!!!!!
Satan: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! *SNORT*

(I forgot to tell you that he was trained by his owner)

While he is not guarding our house he spends his free time trying to figure out the mysteries of his doggy life like why he is kept out of the house while the other two dogs enjoy the comforts of the house. Arguments like “you are a watchdog” doesn’t seem to hold water with him and he is currently pursuing advanced training in getting into the house without getting caught

Now you might wonder why a house that already has two dogs would need another one right? Well there is a story behind Satan’s arrival in our house. One dark stormy night as the stray dogs howled in the darkness, a robber scaled our walls and promptly fell down and broke my mother’s precious pots. The incident jolted all of us out of our reverie and reminded all of us how fragile pots were and we collectively decided to get a watchdog that would guard the house and warn us of approaching pot breakers.

After a frantic search in the Kennel section of all the newspaper we zeroed in on a jolly old Colonel whose dog had littered. Jolly ‘ol Col Sharma was a true dog lover. Not the money making, over breeding their dog kinda dog owners.

My dad: We want an Alsatian puppy.
Col Sharma: Sure, the males are Rs 50,000 each and the females 49,990/- each.
Dad: *swoon* *thud*
M: Thank you Mr Sharma. I afraid I cannot afford such prices.
Col Sharma: Ok ok 5000 and he is yours!! *Hindi swear words*

That Sunday Satan nee Veerappan all of six week old ball of fur came home to a rousing reception. And as is the practice in my house, every new puppy is greeted with great joy and affection after which everyone goes back to their routine leaving yours truly holding the baby dog. After everybody had left, Satan and I faced each other. Satan had a “groan so this is the stupid human who will look after me?!!” kinda expression on his face while I had a “I would like to do something painful to this dogs owner” kinda expression on my face. The dog’s owner had an “It is so hard to get a good maid to look after my dog” kinda expression. To which Satan had a “ I agree but I wish you could do better?” kinda expression. To which the dog’s owner sported a “ I know buddy, but something is better than nothing” expression. The “something is better than nothing” had an expression which cannot be printed here for obvious reasons.

As you can see from the above example, Satan was very good in verbalizing his feelings and we had frequent eye to eye chats.

Satan: I hate carrots in my food.
Me: Go tell your owner!!! grr
Satan: *HOWWWWWWWWWL*
Me: ok! Ok! Stop howling. No more carrots %^$^#%@*
Satan: *satisfied smirk*

(We didn’t see eye to eye on most occasions.)

I am sure dog and dog owner did some high fives behind my back and celebrated every victory with a beer and a bone.

Satan however had a problem or more rightly a medically untreatable grave defect. "HE WAS THE WORLDS MOST FRIENDLIEST DOG!!” He couldn’t bark leave alone bite to save his own life or his masters life. He was just not programmed to be a dog. A bug in his creation ensured that he spent his life thinking that he was a Teddy bear. A large woolly Teddy Bear that liked to slobber everyone including cats. Many a cat in our neighborhood migrated to Canada due to the ignominy of a dog having lovingly slobbered all over them. Somewhere in Gods assembly unit a Test Engineer lost his job or got a really bad appraisal when Satan was born.

But a watchdog he was and like his illustrious Alsatian ancestors, Satan too won many awards in the Watchdog Category. Chief among them were:

1. Most Friendliest Watchdog Award, given by the Bengaluru Robbers Association
2. Most Harmless Large Dog Award, given by the Bengaluru Petty Thieves Association
3. Best Watchdog Award, given by the All Karnataka Dacoits Association

(The awards are too many to mention here)

Bathing Satan was as easy as ABC...multiplied by XYZ, divided by EFG. In other words it was not very easy. Satan knew the meaning of the word B.A.T.H in 27 different languages. If you were to carelessly remark that you were going to give Satan a 'bath', then you would have to apply for annual leave to go search for him. On the other hand if you were to remark that you were going to give Satan a “LIC Retirement Policy” he would not suspect a thing!!! And it is thanks to LIC Retirement Policy, Max New York Pension Fund, HDFC Mid-Cap Opportunities Fund etc that Satan manages to have a bath every Sunday. (Never underestimate the power of investments!!)

Though he is very friendly, he is a very good watch dog and has prevented many burglaries in my house.

Robber one: Let’s loot Silverine’s house tonight!
Robber two: Are you out of your mind??? That is next to impossible!!
Robber three: You are right! There is no way we can get in or out of that house without getting doggy drool over our face.
Robber one: ewwwww

( He is a mean one one alright!)

The purpose of this long winded post is to wish Satan a very happy 3rd birthday! According to good ‘ol Col Sharma, he was born in the last week of September, on the day the BMP garbage truck failed to arrive. Apparently Satan’s mommy gave birth while Col Sharma was out cruising the city in the night looking for a place to furtively dump his garbage.

I am not at home and I am missing him soooo much :(( Hope people at home give him a nice time and hope his owner for once in his lifetime takes Satan for a WALK!!

Happy Birthday you adorable naughty ball of fur! I love you so much! *muah*