PR in Heaven !

It is New Year eve and God is in a tizzy! He is alarmed at the rumors going around on earth about Heaven being a staid and boring place vis a vis the image of hell ... which was that of a rocking party zone where all sorts of immoralities could be carried out without the fear of God. God convenes a emergency meeting at 2 am celestial time with St. Peter , Archangel Gabriel and some other important Saints to discuss this serious development. St. Peter, who during his office timings at the Pearly Gates is wont to wander off to have a sneak peep into Hell is the first one to speak. “ We should hire a PR person and go for a complete image makeover of Heaven. We are facing a very techno savvy Internet generation and our traditional propaganda will not cut ice with them. I have seen the wonders that word-of-mouth-publicity has done for Hell!!” Everyone present at the meeting nod their assent leading to a lot of halos banging and jangling against each other. God surreptitiously removes the cotton balls that he keeps for such meetings and stuffs them in his ears. (The jangling noise was getting on his nerves.) For this brilliant suggestion St. Peter is entrusted with the job of finding a suitable PR person to undertake this Herculean task.

Next day St. Peter bids goodbye to all the angels and saints and after entrusting the task of gatekeeping to Gabriel sets out to look for a suitable PR person for Operation Yo Mama (the secret code word for the PR operation) He searches the Heavens and Earth for weeks but is unsuccessful in his endeavours as all the good PR people were in Hell!

On his return to gatekeeping he is as usual taking his Milk and Honey break sitting pensive on Hell’s walls peeping into Hell and ogling at the ladies when the Devil appeares and says to him. “ Petes my dear friend!!! I know what you are looking for. You need a good PR person right? I know of someone on Earth who can do the job well. She is known as Miss Communication and she is known for her good PR skills. ( the devil is devious , he knows this gal has made a hash of the PR job that was entrusted to her for only one day. He is hoping for a similar goof up.) St. Peter is immensely relieved, as God had threatened to demote him to a Milk Bar Vendor if he did not get the PR person by the weekend. ( poor St. Peter he loved his Scotch and being next to the Neon Gates of Hell, could occasionally sneak into Hell for a quick swig). The thought of pouring milk for the heavenly inmates for the rest of his life was unnerving. The last milk vendor in Heaven was caught spiking the milk with Scotch to contain the rebellion of the souls who were fed up of the constant diet of milk and honey. He was then demoted as prayer vendor. He was again caught this time tampering with the prayers by inserting the word Big Daddy instead of God and Holy Molly instead of Holy Spirit to make it more interesting for the inmates bored of repeating the same prayers day in and day out for Eternity. He was again demoted to a gardening job in Eden. In the Garden of Eden this soul was again caught making illicit liqor from the grapes and further demoted as Halo Polisher and the saga of sacrilegious crimes continued. He was the first serial offender in the history of Creation.

Anyways to cut our narrative short St. Peter land up in namma Bengaluru( a mysterious place from where a lot of souls are seen entering the Neon Gates of Hell) and convinces MS to undertake the job.

Upon reaching Heaven, MS is shocked at the very pansy, pearl studded Pearly Gate. It was no wonder that many souls cast into heaven preferred to deviate to the flashing Neon Gate of Hell right next door. The Pearly Gate was also defaced with obscene grafitti by the heavenly inmates. One of the graffiti that made her gasp read:

It’s Hell in here,
Heaven next door!

She decides that in order to present Heaven as an attractive alternative to Hell, she would have to do some PR work for the heavenly inmates too. (So that they would stop making those ugly holes in Heaven’s pearly walls to stare shamelessly into the going ons in Hell)

On Day One she tears down the Pearly gates and installs a really funky doorway with an flashing illumination signboard in psychedelic pink, blue and orange. The signboard reads “ Enter at your own risk” and the Pearly Gates is now re-christened “Gateway to Heaven” to give it that air of adventure and thrills that was missing earlier.

On Day Two she attacks the boring white hospital robes of the heavenly inmates. She ropes in famous designer Michael Jackson for a complete redesign of the heavenly uniforms. Michael Jackson wields his/her magic scissors and soon the inmates are like the weirdos in Hell!

On Day Three MS's agenda was to reduce the overwhelming presence of Milk and Honey bars in heaven. She prevails upon St. Peter to get permission from God to operate Holy Wine Bars so that the inmates would get a break from their usual bland liquid diet. The inmates rejoice as this means that they need not sneak out of heaven to the seedy bars operated by Hell outside the Pearly Gates.

On Day Four MS pulls out all the angels patrolling Heavens boundaries and sends them for dance classes at the famous Bollywood Jatka School in Mumbai. Upon successful completion of their Dance classes they were to provide alternate entertainment to combat the steady stream of jumpees into Hell from Heaven.

On Day Five the rivers of milk and honey is dammed and replaced with Scotch and Vodka to combat the illicit bars outside the pearly gates from where the Guardian Angels had to regularly drag heavenly inmates back to Heaven.

On Day Six MS removes the Harps and Lyres played by the inmates and replaces them with the loudest electronic musical instruments available in the market. (Noise proofing Heavens walls to keep out the loud music from Hell did not help due to numerous holes made by the inmates)

OnDay Seven MS Wi-Fi's Heaven and Arch angel Gabriel is made the System Administrator ( He was suitably experienced in the job anyway due to the long hours he spent with his hellish counterpart in Hell's Network Neighborhood.)

MS looks at her creation and is satisfied. All she needs now is another client to meet her sales target this year.

The Devil in the meantime was getting increasingly alarmed with the transition of Heaven into a Hell-like-zone. He was now determined to get rid of MS and stop her make-over frenzy which was beginning to hit his bottom line and image really hard. (Just yesterday an inmate of Hell actually jumped the Pearly Walls into heaven when he saw the angels doing a “Pardesia” remix number to an appreciative audience) So one day the Devil sneaks into Heaven wearing his God costume that he has been successfully using from the time of Creation and lies in wait for MS in the garden of Eden. At last he spots her and confronts her.

Devil: I am God! I demand that you stop the makeover work in Heaven!
MS: What a long tail you have my Lord!
Devil: Er...it is the latest fashion accessory
MS: What sharp fangs you have my Lord!
Devil: er...it needs a lil trimming I know.
MS: And what an ugly face you have Mr. Devil!
Devil: er...was it that obvious?
MS:Hire me! I can make you look like God himself!
Devil: You are hired!! But make sure I look better than God.
MS: Of course!!! I will send you an Estimate for the job immediately.

PR gal successfully gets another client and the rest is history.