Many years ago (exactly 55 years, 2 months and 4 torturous days ago) a little baby boy was born in a small village of Karnataka. His name was Puttanna. Puttanna was a chubby child with a distinct fondness for food. He held his first ever-greasy serving spoon at the tender age of two and his parent's just knew that he had a great future as a Cordon Bleu Chef.
At the tender age of six he chopped his first putrid onion. By age eight he was mixing masalas with his right hand while digging his nose with the left. By age twelve he could ambidextrously scratch his unmentionables with one hand while stirring the sambhar with another. He thus showed the qualities of a great cook at a very early age and by age 16 he was made an apprentice with the village wedding cook Ranganna !! On his 18th birthday he made his very first Rasam. Alas!!! Ranganna died soon after tasting the Rasam.
And thus Puttana was elevated to the status of the village wedding cook. It was a proud day indeed for his parents. Puttana soon became world famous in his village and much in demand as it was noticed that there was a marked fall in wedding attendees when word got out that Puttana would be the presiding chef!
Puttana soon got bored with the same old routine of a wedding cook, after all there were only so many dishes he could butcher er...master. So one day he bid farewell to his tearful parents and set out for namma Bengaluru to seeku his fortunu in a five star hotelu er...hotel. What happened after he landed in Bengaluru (erstwhile Bangalore) is hazy but some people say he was arrested for poisoning a wedding party and thus landed in the Bengaluru Central Jail. In jail he befriended the prison cook and became his assistant thus further polishing his cooking skills. Puttana was an instant hit with the jail authorities because he greatly reduced the prison food bills. The money thus saved could now be used to treat inmates of the mysterious gastric ailments that nearly killed and maimed quite a few inmates. It was said that during Puttan's term even hurly burly rowdy sheeters quaked in fear when the meal gong reverberated in the jail corridors. Prisoners had to be dragged to the dining hall and there were many cases of jail break attempts.
Soon physically taxing interrogation sessions became a cake walk in Bengaluru Police Stations. A bowl of Puttana’s best rasam if placed in front of the criminal would make him sing like a canary. Till date Amnesty International never found out how, many a prisoner died during interrogation. (No pathologist ever thought of looking for Puttanas signature bondas in the dead men's entrails and all such cases were filed as “Unexplained Phenomena.”)
Soon after Puttana’s jail term was over he came out and looked at the Bangalore skyline. He was impressed with the numerous glass structures housing IT companies. They looked more impressive than five star hotels to his untrained yes. He decided that after conquering the taste buds of prisoners he would now conquer the taste buds of people working in these glass structures. He soon established a company called Ganesh Enterprises (GE)( or “Gastro Enteritis” as it is known in our company).
Today GE proudly runs our cafeteria and is a standing testimony to the fact that “bad cooking never killed anybody..it just maims your taste buds for life”
GE Menu Card a.k.a. Choose your own suicide method.
Breakfast: Granite idlis, rancid sambhar and gunpowder chutney. (bring your own hammer and Fire Extinguisher)
Snacks: Ferocious Chilli Bhajji , tame coconut chutney. (guaranteed to give you an ulcer in one hour or your money back guarantee)
Evening Snack: Pakodas with ignorance-is-bliss fillings (curiosity killed many an employees appetite)
Breakfast: MRF Tyre like Dosa, baby poo colored vapid chutney and thinner-than-water sambhar ( MRF’s Envy, Puttanna’s Pride)
Snacks: Mortar Vadas with tomoto kichip or you may call it tomoto saas ( one part red sauce, 10 part potato paste) !
Snack: Samoosas (Friday's stale chapathi filled with Thursday's Potato curry and deep fried in engine oil.)
Breakfast: Super Gluey Upma (toothpick absolutely FREE to dig out upma from roof of mouth)
Snacks: Puttana's Signature Bonda (buy one get one FREE on Wednesday, eat all you can FREE on other days.)
Lunch: O.H M.Y G.A.W.D !!!!
Evening Snacks: Yegg Sanveg, Chiss Sanveg, Vigitible Sanveg
( Yegg = butter and Egg Powder , Chiss = butter and the firm belief that you are actually having cheese, Vigitible = butter with a choice of very lifeless vegetables, ignore the caterpillar, he is friendly)
You guessed it, GE's credo is " We bring things to life!"
Breakfast: Dunlop Tyres like Puri and Potato Curry. (boiled potatoes in hot water, bring your own masala )
Snacks: Vigitible Cutlets* with tomoto kichip or tomoto saas ! ( *pop it right in, don’t dare to look what’s inside, Pray)
Lunch: Two deworming tablets please!
Evening Snacks: Pisssa, An exotic dish made with a white chapathi, tomoto poori (puree) topped with vigitables and a generous 3 mm coating of the best Italian chiss supplied by Guttihalli Bakery. (no additional charge for cockroach/lizard and other assorted animals)
Breakfast: Gelusil / Digene
Snacks: Gelusil / Digene
Lunch: Gelusil / Digene
Evening Snacks: Gelusil / Digene
Wash above mentioned delicacies down with Coffee that can be an excellent substitute for Weak Hydrochloric Acid and Tea that can also double up as hot water.
Saturday: Check into nearest detoxification clinic if you are still alive.