Sunday, May 31, 2009

The neighbour-brood

I have this Aunty from hell err Kottayam. She is my neighbor actually. Aundy lets call her Susannah, has eleventy hundred relations. Not uncommon for a mallu from my part of the kundry. However she is one of a kind.

Aundy (spotting my mom): Ketto! My niece Ruby is coming from Pattanamthitta!
Mom: Ruby?
Aundy: I told you no! She is Elsy’s elder daughter!
Mom: Elsy?
Aundy: Tch you forgot…remember I told you about Babymon's accident last year…he fell from the motor room roof…Elsy is his mom!
Mom: hmmm...
Me: Of course Amma remembers him Aundy! * fierce look at my ma* don’t you ma?
Mom (uncomfortably): Actually no.
Aundy: Aiyyo…let me refresh your memory. Do you remember Sunny who came here last month?
Mom: Was he the guy with soda glasses.
Aundy: No!!! That was Sijumon. Sunny had the burn mark on his cheek.
Mom: Oh yes! I remember.
Aundy: Sunny’s first cousin is Babymon.
Mom (miserably): Oh!
Me: *whew*
Aundy: You want anything from Pattanamthitta?
Mom: No thanks!


Aundy: Ketto leelamme!!
Me: You open your mouth and I will gag you with a towel.
Mom: But she is calling me.
Aundy: Leelamme!! Leeeelamme!
Me: Don’t you dare open your mouth!
Mom: Don’t be rude. She is calling me.
Aundy: LEELAMME!!!
Mom: Endho! (Yes)
Aundy (peeping over the wall): Ruby has come! *grin*
Mom: Please bring her home sometime.
Me: I cannot believe you said that. Did you just say that!!!
Mom (ignoring me): Do bring her over for lunch tomorrow.
Aundy: Of course!! I have told her all about you all.
Me: @#%$#

Day two at the dining table:

Aundy (to Ruby): Leelamma is a very good cook like Shirly aunty.
Me: Don’t ask who is Shirley!
Mom: Who is Shirley?
Me: !!!!!
Aundy: She is Thomachanpappans daughter. Remember the guy who left priesthood?
Mom: No!
Me: :-O
Aundy: Remember I told you about my Uncle Antony who used to work in Malaysia?
Mom: I vaguely remember…
Aundy: Shirley is his wife’s sister!
Mom: Oh!
Aundy: Ruby’s parents are looking for a suitable boy for her.
Mom: Really! Well I hope they find someone soon!
Aundy: Her uncle George…remember I told you about him…
Me: Of course she remembers. More payasam... anyone?
Mom: No.
Me: Jesus Christ!!!
Aundy: Remember I went for my nieces daughters wedding last year?
Me: Of course!
Aundy: Podi! I am talking to your mother!
Mom: I frankly don’t remember.
Aundy: George is her Dad.
Mom: Oh ok!
Aundy: Which George are you thinking about?
Me (tremulously): Cake anyone?
Mom: err…ahem
Aundy: Not the George from Changanassery who works for Aramco, this George is my mom’s brother who lives in Mumbai. I told you about him!!
Mom: Mmm...
Aundy: Heh heh Leelamme, you are not paying attention these days.
Me: She is growing old. She can hardly remember anything these days.
Mom (annoyed): My memory is just fine hmmpphh!
Aundy: Ha ha see I told you!
Me (dryly): Then its selective recall I guess!
Aundy: You are getting too big for your boots!! I know what you just said has a double meaning!! My nephew Arun in Goa is just like you!!
Mom: Arun?
Me: *groan*

Did I say Aundy was one of a kind? I eat my words.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Post Poll Analysis for Dummies

Now that the elections are over and we know who won and who lost, it is time to introspect and analyze why some parties lost while some picked up significant amount of seats and goodwill. Post Poll Analysis or Post Election Analysis is a complex topic to blog about and we need to break down the socio-economic and socio-political factors to gain a better understanding of the same. This tutorial will help you quickly and accurately analyze why some parties lost the elections so that you can prepare a comprehensive analysis to be published in your blog/website which nobody is going to read anyway.

Step one: Pick a defeated political party. Now that you know they have lost, it becomes easy to analyze why they lost.

Step two: Study their election promises and election campaign carefully. You are now ready to offer a definitive post poll analysis on why they lost the elections.

Step three: Carefully take each and every gesture of the party before elections and blame it squarely for their election debacle.

For instance –

1. The XYZ Party’s promise to increase/decrease fertilizer subsidy did not go down well with farmers as it actually works against the interest of the farmers. (Expand a bit with some research over Google)

2. The XYZ Party’s personal attacks on the winning party’s ministerial candidates did not go down well with the voters (like they care).

3. The ABC Party has lost touch with the people and that was another reason for their debacle. (This works all the time.)

4. The party lost the powerful vote bank of youth/women/gays due to their anti youth/women/gay policies. (Get creative, don’t stop at youth/women/gay. You may use other factors like Coca Cola, Oreo Biscuits and Proprietary Software.)

5. The leader of the party was not acceptable to the people and he also did not have the support of party cadres. (Works like a charm. No questions asked)

6. The election campaign of the party turned off voters. For example – People did not like the Web Banners, Posters, Brand of shoe thrown at candidate, Slogans, Bhashans etc. On the other hand the election campaign of the winning party was liked by the voters.

7. Blame the weather e.g lack of monsoons led to destruction of crops or excess monsoons that killed standing crops and led to the disenchantment of farmers.

8. If you are pro Losing Party then blame everything else that can be blamed like the color of the EVM Machines to the uniforms of security personnel. Alternatively if you are pro Winning Party then write that this debacle of the Losing Party is the beginning of their end.

9. Last but not the least DO NOT give credit to the voter for casting the vote in favor of things that matter to him/her. (He/She is of no consequence. Ignore Him/Her)

10. Garnish your analysis with a clever headline like – Reasons for the Failure of XYZ! or Why XYZ lost the Elections! and serve with your name by the side. Argue with commenter’s who may not agree with you, grudgingly accept the criticism of commenter's who uses above technique to present a counter point and enjoy the heated discussions in the comment box with a glass of chilled beer.

You have now arrived as a Post Poll Analyst!! Enjoy your two minutes of fame!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The amateurs guide to rain making!

Are you fed up of dark skies, thunder and lightening and heavy winds with no sign of rains like us in this corner of Bangalore?

Are you fed up of the prolonged hot and humid weather with no respite which makes you feel hot and sweaty and icky?

Does the weather makes your hair frizzy and your face oily and make you look less attractive?

If you have answered in the affirmative to any one of the above question then I have just the remedy for you. The Silverine Rain Maker ™ is a tried and tested and ISI certified remedy that will make the tardy clouds let go of their precious cargo giving you relief from heat, humidity and oily skin within seconds. Follow these instructions carefully and you will soon be making rain like a professional and be the envy of the neighborhood.

1. Remove all the curtains, bed sheets, blankets, towels etc in your house and wash them nicely. Now hang them up to dry in the open.

Possibility of rain in 10 minutes - 97 %
Possibility of rain after they are nearly dry – 100%

2. Now take out all the heavy mattresses and Sofas from the house and put them out to air.

Possibility of rain – 98%
Possibility of a cloud burst – 100%

3. Throw a party in your garden or terrace. Make sure you do not hire any Shamiana or covering of any kind. Lay out the tables tastefully with table cloth and flower arrangements. Arrange an elaborate bar on one side of the lawn/terrace. Set the buffet table on the other side of the lawn/terrace.

Possibility of a rain before guests arrive – 95%.
Possibility of an electrical storm after all the guest have arrived - 100%

4. Organize a picnic for the family, friends or relatives in an area away from inhabitation like a remote lake or field.

Possibilities of rain before you start for the picnic spot - 98%.
Possibility of gusty winds, heavy rain, hailstones and lightening after you have reached the picnic spot and laid out the food- 100%

5. Cut Mangoes, Limes and other vegetables painstakingly for making pickles. Now mix the vegetables with salt and lay them out to dry on your terrace or front yard.

Possibility of rain - Instantaneous

6. Roll out a healthy batch of 500 to 1000 Pappadams/Appalams or any other savory crisps. Now lay them out 5 inches away from each other on newspapers to dry.

Possibility of rain when they are half dry- 98%
Possibility of rain when they are fully dry - 100%

7. Now go to the grocery store and buy one kilo Red Chillies, a kilo of Coriander seeds, a kilo of Jeera and a kilo of Turmeric or other spices. Now put them out on the terrace on newspaper or mats.

Possibility of a hurricane - 100%

8. Block all the drain pipes on your terrace with a cloth.

Possibility of a thunderstorm with cyclone warning – 101%

9. Go for a long walk with your dogs/BF/GF/ or anyone else.

Possibilities of rain after you are 500 meters from home - 0%
Possibilities of rain after you are a kilometer from home- 100%

10. Step out of the house in your best clothes or ordinary wear without your umbrella or rain coat.

Possibility of rain – Money back guranteed!!!

Sunday, May 10, 2009


There is this guy in our office called SS. SS has been trying to grow a goatee quite unsuccessfully for the past six excruciating months. He does manage to grow a beard but it looks more like an Oxee, Cowiee, Sheepie, Mulee and a Horsey but never a Goatee. I guess you get the picture now from that description. This week he was looking like a Yeti.

Colleague : Can I have a word with you man!
SS (looking up from the keyboard): Sure!
Colleague: Oh my gawd!! The Abominable Snowman!

And he ran away for his life.

We were fed up! So last Sunday we got together in his apartment and while two guys held his hands, two of us shaved his hirsutic ambitions off.

Next day when we all walked into the office people were surprised to a clean shaven SS.

Colleague: Hey SS, teri dhaadi kahan gayi? (Where is your beard?)
Me: We shaved it off!
Colleague (surprised): And he allowed that????
Me: Humne uske saath zabardasthi ki!*

The atmosphere on the floor underwent a dramatic change and people who know Hindi were seen collapsing with laughter like nine pins. Me and my fellow Southies looked around bewildered. These Northies are strange! 8-|

Speaking of office there is a freeze on hiring due to the recession. Team Heads have been advised to hire internally till further notice. The Boss who was desperately trying to get people to join our team from other teams is now flooded with applications. Instead of being happy, he despairs. According to HR instructions, gender diversity has to be maintained at all costs in the office you see. All the applications he received are from males. Poor guy!

Out of the 567 applications he received, 567 applicants out of 567 applicants are willing to work for free if they are allowed to sit next to me. The travails of good looking girls are many I tell you…sigh!

According to a little bird called ‘Sysadmin’ people here are downloading copies of reports like “What makes some people more vulnerable to molestation” etc. by the dozen. Interesting! I saw one copy myself. It says timid people and people with low self esteem are more prone to be victims.

That reminds me…something strange is happening at our floor. Guys from the other floors are seen lurking around the dark corners of the building the moment they spot me heading in that direction. They sport a look of low self esteem and act very timid.

Have a nice week friends.

* p.s. someone just told the meaning of the sentence. How embarrassing!! Meri izzat loot gayi…:(

( For the benefit of clueless Southies like me, Zabardasti means 'to use force or against ones will'. It also has a sidey meaning... 'to molest'. I plead innocence!)

Sunday, May 03, 2009

A Grim Tale

Long time ago, in a remote village in ancient India lived a highway robber named Buddhu. Buddhu was a fierce guy and killed anyone who resisted him. He spared no one.

Old lady: Kind Sir I am an old lady. This money is for the treatment of my son who is dying of a disease that will be called Cancer in the next centuries to come.
Buddhu: Thank you granny. I will take the money anyway! Methinks only prayer will cure your son now!

See how cruel he is!!

He looted people day in and day out and led a contented life with his ill begotten wealth. One day he spotted a Monk walking on the road. He jumped in front of the Monk and asked him for his money. The Monk gave him the alms he had gathered by begging and blessed the robber. The robber was taken aback. No one had blessed him before.

"Why did you bless me?" he asked the monk.
"So that you may succeed in all you do!" said the monk smiling serenely.
"But why would you bless someone who robbed you?" asked Buddhu bewildered.
"Because I hold no grudge against you. You did what you had to do to earn your livelihood" said the monk calmly.

Buddhu felt a strange feeling inside of him. He had never felt it before. He went home and narrated the incident to his old mother. His mother smiled and explained that what he felt inside was an emotion.

"What is an emotion ma" he asked blankly.
"It is a feeling" said his mother. "You were moved by the Monk’s kindness" she explained.

The next day Buddhu left for work early. It was the temple festival day and people would start walking towards the temple early. They would be loaded with cash for the festival. Soon he spotted a young couple coming down the road. Buddhu waited till they were near the tree he was hiding on and jumped down in front of them. He liked to surprise his victims. He was a man of style and panache. The young couple clutched at each other startled.

"Give me all your money” snarled Buddhu in a fearsome voice. The young man handed him the bag of cash and Buddhu left them alone. Buddhu counted the money. It was quite a lot. But he felt no elation...strangely. Every time he robbed people he got a heady feeling. But today he did not. The startled faces of the young couple haunted him. He felt like a bully snatching a bottle of milk from a baby. He decided to call it a day and left for home early.

In the night he tossed and turned but could not sleep. The faces of his victims flashed by in his mind like an unending Microsoft PowerPoint 2007 presentation. It was quite horrible. During the presentation the Windows rebooted 17 times. This made him feel worse as the presentation restarted from Slide One. (He did not know how to use the Page Down key you see to fast forward the presentation.) Computers were not invented then and he was sort of stuck that way.

Soon it was dawn. And with the dawn dawned a new man. (Pardon the melodrama.) Buddhu had undergone a miraculous transformation in the night due to the PPT Presentation. He decided that if he were to be born in the 21st Century he will stick to Linux …sorry that should read – Buddhu decided that he would lay down the tools of his bloody trade and become a regular victim err citizen. He conveyed to his mother his decision and she was overcome with mixed emotions.

After breakfast he took the farming implements from the back yard and left for the fields to tend to their crop. He had decided to return to his father’s and ancestor’s profession of farming. On the way he saw several of his victims. They ran away helter skelter in fear. Buddhu reached the fields and placed his lunch under a tree and started work after a prayer to his ancestors. He asked them for forgiveness for having abandoned the family trade and propitiated the Earth goddess to give him a good crop.

By afternoon small groups of people were watching him quizzically. He toiled on ignoring them and the harsh sun. By evening a sizable crowd of people had gathered by the fields. By night they had thrashed him to pulp.

Moral of the story:

1. That Monk was a smart cookie!
2. Buddhu was an idiot.
3. Only fools believe such stories dished out in generous measures in school text books.
4. I never got top marks for this question in school -“What is the moral of the story?”
5. Do not trust ppt presentations.
6. Do not trust people who advice you to change your career. They are merely making sure that you clear the corporate ladder for them.
7. I bet you all thought that Buddhu would turn a new leaf *snicker*

Gotcha big time all of you tee hee. Have a nice week anyways! :p

p.s. more 'moral of the story' welcome. I can never get enough.