Saturday, May 17, 2008

Consult or be damned to earn thy bread by the sweat of thy brow!

My company decided to cut costs one day.

The move led to a 90% decline in productivity levels by the very next day.

A high profile consultancy firm was hired to probe into the matter for rupees 4 Crore ONLY on the third day!

According to the report tabled by the consultants on the fourth day, the main reason for the sharp drop in productivity levels was:

Employees now have to take the paper cups from the shelf "themselves", place it under the dispenser "themselves" and press the appropriate buttons for coffee/tea "themselves" than ask Murthy to do it for them as was the usual practice!

Their advice: Hire Murthy back!

Cost cutting was dumped on the fifth day, Murthy was hired back and we are now back to our full productivity levels of 12% on weekdays!

My future children will be consultants ( whether they like it or not)!!

19 comments:

Prakash G.R. said...

>My future children will be consultants

Was that decision advised by the consultants?

Aybuk Hiawog said...

I always felt the peon was more important person in my college. This just proves it. ;-)

Dhanya said...

Hey that's bad.. You shouldn't be forcing your children to live according to your dreams :P

Philip said...

Haha...consultants are the whipping boys of the corporate world.

I feel sorry for them, though. They seriously think what they do is good for the world.

mathew said...

Thats what happens when Mc Kinsey had to hire PWC to figure out the dwindling revenues.

PWC has apparently suggested Mc Kinsey to consult Morgan Stanley to increase the budget for consultancy in the consultancy department to make it more "consultatious"!!

Mathew said...

I don't know if you have seen this... http://youtube.com/watch?v=dNv2xIrfh88

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

Don't know what'd happen to the advices ur consultant kids will give to their mom.:) The post reminded me of an old Dilbert strip where catbert explains to Dilbert that a CONSULTANT is someone who CONfuses people while inSULTing them.:)

Hari said...

Consultants suck!

Reminds me of ON@TCC's 'Bakshi'. :P It's all just bloody 'managese', eh? :)

Abhinav Viswambharan said...

Unconfirmed sources have reported that, Murthy had bribed the consultants to put such a report on table. :P

g-man said...

wow, it took consultants to tell them that? don't your bosses speak to the people under them?

Amey said...

You are not too old to be a consultant yourself, you know. In fact, that is one of those professions where the older the better.


P.S. I guess I will be better off if the only part you remember from my comment is "You are not... old" ;)

hammy said...

Consultancy has been the in-word for decades now. You can hardly think about consultants without thinking of a Dilbert joke.

But why wait for future generations? Plan to be a consultant right away. Personally, I plan to start my consultancy in another 2 years. I shall go to important offices, shake my finger and dispense expensive advice...

"You need to reorganize. Have a decentralized system... that avoids bottlenecks..."

"Hmm... we are already decentralized"

"No kidding? Then there lies your problem. Centralize. Have unity in command."

"That would solve our problems?"

"No. You'll also have to tilt the company logo 13 degrees to the west... Feng Shui matters."

"Hmm... Ok. That will solve the problems?"

"No. You'll have to fire some employees. Reduce redundancy."

"Whatever you say. Will that help us make more profits?"

"No. You'll have to pay me in advance. To my Swiss bank account."

Mandar Gadre said...

Have been following your blog since past couple of weeks. It's really nice! Liked it :) Keep writing!

>My future children will be consultants

What have your past children taken up? Do they still have time to become consultants?

josh said...

:-))

silverine said...

Prakash: No! By little green men!

aybuk hiawog: Glad I could help! :p

dhanya: I plan to be the mother of rich children and live in luxury in my old age! ;)

Philip: They think what they do is good and get paid for it too! :)

Mathew: Good one! :)

Mathew: Thanks for the link! :)

Abhi: lol! That was an accurate description of consultants!

Hari: Quite an apt term! :)

Abhinav: ha ha now that gives a totally new dimension to this sordid saga!! Good one! :p

g-man: I was trying to be sarcastic! :)

Amey: I think I should seriously consider it as a profession!

hammy: lol!!

mander gadre: Thank you! :) If I had past children I would make them consultants too!

Josh: Nice to see you! Hope you are doing well! :)

Asokan said...

Good one! :-)

P.S This is my third attempt at commenting.

PK said...

LOL !

BTW, is this for real?

Macadamia The Nut said...

LOL!!! Maybe I'll produce a girl baby (miracles must never be questioned) and get her married to a consultant :D

Kusum Rohra said...

I guess future children being consultants is the best advice parents can give children in BTW what are you present children :P