Tis a few weeks before Christmas and all through the house not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse. (Well… that’s because the neighbor’s stupid cat is a champion mouser.) The house is empty save for the noise of my keyboard tap tapping away. My mom is out for a prayer meeting. The prayer meeting is for a departed soul, but I know she will cheat and pray that I get some sense into my head. Dad is out for an achayan get-together. One bro is out of town and the other is out cold....with a hangover. So technically, I am alone in the house with my doggies. The baby squirrel has flown the coup….sob
Usually an empty house makes me feel like an orphan and I go all teary eyed and feel very sorry for myself. But today I am in an introspective mood. So I will go teary eyed and feel sorry for myself after I have written this post.
Since the time I have started working I have resigned twice. I lasted approximately three months in my first job.
HR: What!! You have resigned???
Me: err… I hope the resignation letter doesn’t convey anything else!
HR: Why have you resigned?
Me: I don’t want to work here anymore.
HR (irritably): That I know. But why have you resigned?
Me: Like I told you before, I don’t want to work here anymore.
HR (trying not to shout): And why don’t you want to work here any more?
Me: Because I don’t like this place.
HR (kindly): This is your first job dear?
Me: Yes :(
HR: What I am trying to ask is, why are you unhappy here?
Me: Because I cannot finish the tasks assigned to me.
HR: Why? What’s coming in the way of your work?
Me: Well…I am finding it hard to finish one brochure a month…
HR: Only one brochure!! And you say that it is a difficult thing to do??
Me: And the 14 Print ads
Me: and 34 Web banners…
Me: And 4 Flash Presentations….
Me: And the 24 Product Specifications Leaflets
Me: and the 5 Events per month, the Managers Speech at the events, presentations, letter to the stake holders, website content writing…besides the monthly Internal newsletters, Channel Newsletter, Dealer Newsletter, ….
HR: %$^#&#& who is your manager???!!!
I don’t know what happened after that. But I am sure the Manager got a good ticking off from the HR. Serves him right too!!
HR: How can you drive away such a juicy bakra?????
Manager: *gulp* I am sorry. I guess I got too carried away and over utilized her. It was kinda nice to see her working 20 hours a day. I think it was my latent tendency to sadism. I should have curbed it I know but….
HR: This is a grave indiscretion from your side!!! As a manager of this organization you are supposed to make the bakra feel like a “valuable resource”!!!! You made her feel like a *gasp* bakra!!! Shame on you!!!
HR: I am afraid I will have to escalate this to the VP- Human Resources!
Manager (falling at her feet and breaking down): *bawl* Please forgive me. I promise I will never make a bakra feel like a bakra again!!
HR: Say “Pretty please”
Manager: Pretty pleeeeease.
HR: “With a cherry on top!”
Manager: With a $%#^# cherry on top!!
HR: Now kiss my boots!!
HR: You are forgiven this time!! Now stop groveling man and go interview the potential bakras I have lined up for you.
Manager: %$^#&# err I mean thank you!
Like I said “serves him right”
I think the necessary qualities of being a Manager, is the art of deception. The art of making your subordinate feel like a dimwit-you-erroneously-consider-very-clever. Now that must sound confusing to most people. But 'successful managers' as opposed to 'good managers' are adept in the art of convincing their subordinates, that they are no good and that they i.e their Manager is not aware of this fact. This keeps the subordinate on their toes and the manager happy. A win win situation for the manager and a win win situation kinda feeling for the employee. I am sure there is an Institute where Managers enroll to learn about the finer aspects of man management.
Professor: And now class, how do you make your subordinate work 18 hours days and still feel guilty that he is not putting in enough???
Managerial Student 1: I would congratulate him on his good performance and hint that he can do better!
Professor: Excellent!!!! And how do you induce cut throat competition in your team???
Managerial Student 1: By meeting each team member separately and telling them they have more potential than the next guy??
Professor: Bravo!!!! I am so proud of you!
Managerial Student 2: Sir, I beg to differ. I think a good manager should acknowledge his subordinate when he is doing well and help him do better if he is not upto the expectations.
Professor: Horrors!!! Whoever gave you admission into this Institute???
Managerial Student 2: But Sir….
Professor: I am afraid you do not have it in you to be a good manager. You are a bad influence on the other students too. We will have to remove you from our rolls. Goodbye son!
Sound of a resounding *THUD* as two hefty men throw Managerial Student 2 out of the Institute gate.
Guess people like him joins the ranks of Managers who come up the hard way through hard work, building responsive interpersonal relationships, good finance sense, team building, recognizing and rewarding good work and improving morale of slackers and leadership through example. May their tribe increase and join the ranks of my last boss and present boss. Amen!
Funny...now I dont feel so sorry for myself!