Monday, July 31, 2006

Simply single

"Sex after marriage is so boring yaar" lamented a married gal in my close friend’s circle. Apparently it was quite hot and happening when she and her former fiancĂ© (now hubby) were going steady. "The thought of getting caught and doing it on the sly made it so exciting, now it is soooo boring" she said rather glumly. These random outbursts on the love life problems of married friends usually leave us single gals clueless. Since none of us are ‘experienced’ in the department, we are unable to give advice except look at her like we look at the Auditor when he talks about 'Hedge Funds' ( wots that??????)

"er...why don’t you do it on the sly then?" I said, having not a clue to what I should say, but if I don’t say anything then I am labelled a "cold uncaring bitch*".

She looks at me like the Auditor has just told her that the government has raised Income Tax levels to 50%.

"Are you crazy???" she shrieked shrilly, making the ear wax in my ear splatter on the wall and a spider like crack to appear on my other single friends eyeglasses. (It made a pretty pattern though)

It is at times like these that I wish I had shut my mouth like a cold uncaring bitch*. Apparently I am not hot and happening in the “sex advice” circuit. What do you expect when you ask a single about sex. It’s like asking a doctor about appendix; he knows its there but doesn’t know what it is all about.

Anyways, it turned out that my married friend PK was just musing aloud and we were supposed to make sympathetic noises like “how sad” and "poor baby" and "buy a new dress, you will feel better" etc.

So I goofed up. (note to self- next time restrict your advice to Income Tax and things you know about like System Architecture but at no point of time give advice about sex since the only sex you know about is that you are a female)

Which brings me to another problem of having married friends. Every problem on Earth from global warming to India’s fiscal deficit is because of hubby’s raging hormones. So when she calls on a Monday morning, please forgive me if I cringe and make a dash for the door. Soon after a hearty, today-is-Monday-so-mom-made-her-best-breakfast, you do not want to hear about your pals bedroom antics do you? Apart from losing your breakfast you also lose your appetite for lunch. (Hint-Girls are bad narrators)

She: I don’t feel like going to work today because of you-know-what-happened-yesterday-night! *yawn*
Me (praying): *Almighty God please spare me the details*
(aloud) So why you telling me all this???
She ( annoyed): I listen to all your grumbles!!!!
Me: Having a bad hair day is not exactly in the same league as your er…complaint is it?
She: *hmph*

Then there is yet another problem of having close married gal get to hear a rather graphic first hand account of her ‘first night’...whether you like it or not. Soon after the wedding, honeymoon etc, the girls meet up at some restaurant and the not-at-all-coy and shy newly wed bride will bare all. The look on the single gals faces during the narration is rather interesting. I would describe it as a cross between witnessing a gory accident and another gorier accident. (Girls are bad narrators I told you!).

So if you see a group of girls collectively throwing up outside a restaurant you know what happened. And if you see the only one in the group sitting smug with a *I am getting back at you for being single while I am now a married old hag* look, then you know who the newly wed bride is.

I have now sworn off marriage. I was always bad at acrobatics, aerobatics and complicated Yoga postures. So marriage is definitely ruled out in my scheme of things.

(Disclaimer: *‘Bitch’ is an affectionate term used liberally amongst us gals. Guys are strongly advised against using it on their female and male acquaintances. This writer will not be responsible for the loss of your limbs, sex life and manhood. )

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Ideas for selling

Been very busy these days. In fact I am so busy that I am giving the bees on the tree next door a massive complex. Busy as a bee may soon be replaced with 'busy as silverine' *sigh*

Trying to sell our products across the globe is an interesting and challenging thing to do. The HSBC ad puts it accross so neatly.“Different people, Different Perspective” says the ad. So true!!!

My Regional Marketing Manager (RMM) for Africa has a lot of ideas, though he is not able to put his finger on it.

RMM: Miss, selling in Africa is easy. All you need to do is make simple communication material.
Me: That sounds easy!
RMM: No high funda English!
Me: Fine.
RMM: No, big words
Me: I will remember that.
RMM: No long sentences
Me: Ok
RMM: And very less words.
Me: How about the picture of the product next to a Zebra?
RMM: What a brilliant idea!!!

The Marketing Manager for South East Asia, Mr. W has different demands.

Mr: W: Pithy (pretty) gals next to product ok?
Me: Ok!
Mr: W: Pithy gals must wear pithy dress ok?
Me: Ok
Mr: W: Pithy gals smile odee (all the) time ok?
Me: Ok!

Mr. W sure knows his region well. It is such a delight working for him (no offence meant to anyone)

The long suffering marketing guy in Europe is a stiff upper lip character. Before he comes down for meetings, the housekeeping staff can be seen furiously cleaning the best bone china and silver cutlery. I spend a week before his arrival trying to lift the cup from the bone china saucer with my pinkie extended and practice the stiff upper lip technique. We shall call him Mr. S

Mr. S: Good morning Miss. How do you do.
Me: How do you do.
Mr. S: It wouldn’t be intemperate for me to propound an amendment to the communication strategy a trifle for the coming season, would it?
Me: You mean, we need to make new ads?
Mr. S: Precisely!
Me: Do we have any new features in our products that we can highlight?
Mr. S: Oh good lord no!
Me: Any price cuts?
Mr. S: Heavens! Absolutely not!!
Me: Then we shall take a ‘we are superior’ attitude for our new ad campaign.
Mr. S: (placing the cup delicately on the saucer): Excellent!

I take back what I just said about communication being a challenge. It is a piece of cake, served with the right cutlery you see ;)

Friday, July 21, 2006

Bloody B'gers

As of Monday, I have been officially pronounced a terrorist by the Indian government and my blog has been blocked. Now, my teachers had predicted this long time back so my family and friends were not very surprised.

Teacher: I tell you Mr. Dad your daughter is showing all signs of becoming an anti social element!!!
Dad: How can you say that based on one incident? She pulled that girl’s hair only 50 times!!! How can you be so biased???
Teacher (whispering): Look at her!!! She sits in front of the computer the whole day.

I am having severe withdrawal symptoms from not being able to read my favorite b***s. Yes dear reader, blog has become a four letter word now and hence forth I will stick to the word B. According to the Indian Government, all the crimes perpetrated in this world is because of B and all B’gers are criminals. Now you can add B'ger in your long list of cuss words.

Boss: Lick my boots clean if you want to keep your job cretin.
Employee:(muttering to himself): "You are a bloody B’ger!!!"
(loudly) Sure where do I start, from the heel or the toe boss?

Now my dear peoples you must all be wondering how a blog can help perpetrate terrorist acts?! Here’s how:

Terrorist: Baas the Indian intelligence people are everywhere. I am unable to even burst a fire cracker during Diwali *sob*
Boss: Koi bath nahin, write a blog!
Terrorist: How will it help baas?
Boss: When they are busy trying to decipher your post, we will sneak out and strike at will Ha Ha Ha Ha
Terrorist You are a genius baas!! What shall I write?
Boss: Write any nonsense you want ...who cares!

In the meantime our terrorist, like an obedient lackey goes and writes a blog at blogspot to fool the Inteligence Agencies into thinking that he is writing something intelligent.

Mere sapnon ke rani kab aayegi thu
Aaye ruth mastani kab ayegi thu
Beethi jaye zindgani kab ayegi thu
Chali aa thu chali aa.

He gets four comments:

IB said
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

RAW said
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

ISI said
Amazing post!

Anu Malik said
Nice song!

Terrorist: You are a genius bass!!! It works!
Boss: Jabse maine Blogspot apnaya, mera wazan bahuth kam ho gaya aur mein bahut successful ho gaya hun. Thank you Blogspot. Aap bhi aajma ke dekhiye naah!!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Tiny Feats

My cousin sister's little daughter was attending her very first Interview for a seat in Nursery, at the XYZ Convent school, a school that has the distinction of churning out some really good girls and some really bad examples like me. So it was with utmost concern for my niece, that I refused to accompany them for the interview. Of course I didn’t tell them why, but with a record a mile long at this very institution, I didn’t think anyone related to me would be allowed within a mile of its hallowed walls.

It all started with my very first interview here, many years ago.

Sister: What is your name?
Me: I won’t tell you.
Mom: *gasp*
Dad: Ha! Ha! Ha….hum? er…sorry.
Sister: I will give you a Lollypop if you tell me your name.
Me: Yech, I hate lollypop.
Mom: *gasp*
Dad: *guffaw*

By the time the Interview was over, my mom’s face was an ashen color and Dad’s was a robust red from trying to control laughter. Anyways...due to the several rosaries recited by my Mom and her sisters on my behalf I got in and was put in Ms F’s class. My class teacher Miss F was a sweetheart, fresh out of college, brimming with confidence and a teachers training certificate to boot. She didn't last long.

Teacher: Girls please take out your coloring books!
Girl 2: Did you see the circus?
Girl 3: No
Girl 2: There was a big elephant.
Teachers: Girl, please please take out your coloring books .
Girl 2: And there was a joker too.
Girl 4: Really?
Girl 2: Yes and horses too.
Teacher: Girls *sob* please *sob* take out your books *sob*
Girl 1: I am going to ask my daddy to take me to the circus
Girl 2: And they have Ice Cream too.
Girl 3: Do they have dancing Zebras too?
Teacher ( banging her head on the table):Waaaaaaaah!!!

Miss F left, scarred for life, vowing never to teach kindergarten girls again. She joined the Nursery Section of the boy’s school next door where she was reportedly very happy.

The Nursery section is a separate enclosed area with its own playground, and a small Zoo with a sad looking peacock as its one and only incumbent. Its manliness, the long and colorful tail was stripped to the butt by determined little girls trying to catch him by the tail. The zoo was once populated with various animals that did not figure in the Endangered Species List like rabbits, budgerigars, pigeons, a crow etc. Alas, this too didn't last very long.

Girl 5: Miss, can I go see the birds?
New Teacher: Ok dear!
Girl 5 (coming back after 5 seconds): *sob* they ran away.
Teacher: Oh my God what did you do???
Girl 5: I took them for a walk *sniff*
Girl 6: Miss the fish in the tank is swimming funny!
New Teacher: Oh my God now what happened?
Girl 5: *snifff* I was feeding the fish that’s all.
New Teacher: What did you give it dear?
Girl 6: My lunch *bawl*
School Maid: Miss you had better come out see this, someone is throwing the rabbits down the slide.
New Teacher: *swoon*

After this incident the Zoo was put on the Gravely Endangered list of Zoos by the school management and we got a new teacher Miss T. Miss T lasted one whole period.

Miss T: Ok girls, I am going to be very strict and I will take no nonsense from any of you!
Girl : What is nonsense?
Miss T: er…lets learn to count today, take out your numbers book.
Girl : What is nonsense?
Miss T: Now Pinky, don’t ask silly questions and take out your number book.
Girl : What is a silly question?
Miss T: Shut up!!!
Girl : *sob*

After Miss T, a long line of fresh inexperienced young wannabe teachers came brimming with confidence and went brimming with despair, battle scarred and much wiser from the experience. With moiself involved in more than one escapade mentioned above, you can understand my reluctance to be seen anywhere in the vicinity of the school. It was with relief that I heard that my niece had got a seat in the school. But my happiness was cut short when my cousin sister told me that my niece had blurted out that her aunt was an ex student of the school.
To which, Sister turned to her and said smartly “Really? Well let’s see if we can do better with you !”

Saturday, July 08, 2006

P C Clinic

Last Saturday my PC suddenly stopped working. Now this was a bad start to the weekend for poor me who connects with all her far flung useless friends on Saturdays to listen to their boyfriend/hubby/broken nails/PMS woes on the Yahoo messenger. Chatting with four gals at the same time can have some interesting effects.

Friend 1: My BF wants me to get a crew cut.
Me: Cucumber slices are great for it.
Friend 2: I have dark circles under my eye
Me: Tell your BF to go to hell yaar
Friend 1: You mean cucumber slices are great for a crew cut?
Friend 2: Will it help?
Me: oops wrong window.

Anyways, I checked my PC power connection, cabling, my hair, nail polish and even my Horoscope and whatever else a non technical person like me checks when their PCs won’t start. Everything looked fine, but the damn thing wouldn’t start!! I even said some nice encouraging words to coax it to start .

Me: Nice PC, good PC if you start like a good machine I promise I will get you a bigger hard disk or Ram or er… whatever else pleases you
PC: *silence*
Me: $$%$#^&* I swear I will replace you with a Lenovo! grrrrr

Now don’t look at me in horror folks. We all know how desperate people get when their PC doesn’t work. Heck it has made some people do impossible things like… “pray” for instance! So I said a small prayer over it, but either Gods Inbox was full or He had become an atheist or He was deliberately ignoring me. *sigh*

It was then I remembered “PC DOC”, “The Friendly Neighborhood PC Repairman” who had recently set up, P C Clinic” in the neighborhood approximately 20 kilometers from my neighborhood. His impressive power point presentation had Superman, Tarzan, Bill Gates and even Saddam Hussein waxing eloquent about his services. In the last slide of the presentation, Saddam looks you in the eye and says “Call PC Doc or else…..!!!” Very convincing. His extensive services covered computer peripherals too like spider webs, cockroaches, rodents, mother-in-laws etc.

Call me PC Doc” he had said after the ppt “and remember to call PC Doc whenever your PC is not in good health”. PC Doc was in my house before I could even put the phone down. I was impressed. He wore a white lab coat and had two ‘interns’ and a suitcase with him.

PC Doc had a “Ah! A girl!!! This is going to be a piece of cake.” kind of look.
Intern No 1 had an “I hope he pays me for putting on this damn lab coat and standing around like a fool” kind of look.
Intern No 2 had a “he is still to pay me for standing in as Bill Gates at that sweet old lady’s house” kind of look.
And I had a “Wow I am so impressed!” kind of look.
To which the PC Doc sported a “It’s official, we have a sucker in our hands” kind of look.

PC Doc slid under the table after some complicated contortions to examine his ‘patient’, straightened up and faced me with a grave expression. I had this horrible sinking feeling, like that moment in the movies when the doctor gives the horrible news to the patient that he doesn’t have a medical degree.

PC Doc ( very seriously): Miss you had better sit down.
Me ( turning pale): What is wrong PC Doc?

(At this point of time I remembered the horrible tragedy of my friend Rita, whose CPU fell into the Piranha Tank at the PC Clinic and came out an empty shell. Poor PC Doc was more heartbroken than Rita when he returned the empty shell.)

PC Doc( gravely): I’m afraid the news is not good. The examination confirms that your PC is in the late stages of Hard Disk damage.
Me: Oh my God!!
PC Doc ( even more gravely):Unfortunately, there is no question about the results. You can take a second opinion but it will only prolong the inevitable.
Me: Inevitable?
PC Doc: Yes. I am afraid you will have to buy a new Hard Disk. I can buy your old damaged one for fifty rupees. It’s the best deal you will ever get.
Me (in a small voice): O.k...

Just then my brother strolled in and wanted to know what was going on and why these guys were dressed so funnily. I told him the tragic tale of my PC . He went around the CPU and flicked on a switch. The PC roared to life when he started it. Inching towards the door he said “… well….when you were having breakfast I..umm…ahem switched off the CPU was just a joke you see…hey what are you doing????? Put down that keyboard I said!!!!


The keyboard missed him narrowly, but I swear I will get him next time. My room looked like an alphabet soup spill zone. I looked around for PC Doc but he had apparently had to leave in a tremendous hurry.

Anyways I have just got a consultation bill from PC Clinic and if I work non stop for 24 hours for the next 15 years and live on bread and water I might just be able to clear his bill. I am now working evenings at KFC and during my coffee breaks at KFC, I go to Kairalee Mess and wait at the tables. Every penny counts you see.

See you folks, I will miss you all, keep blogging. See you in fifteen years.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Banking technology jargon

On Friday I walked into the ATM of an MNC Bank. This ATM is one of the best I have seen…clean and cool with air conditioning, a wide screen TV, potted plants, ISD facilities, smart and polite security guards etc. This is the first time I am using my Debit Card at another bank’s ATM, since I have an ATM close to office and home. I am impressed at the networking between banks, thanks to advances in Information Technology. You can even get your latest bank balance here after you withdraw money! Amazing!!!!

Now suppose your bank balance is Rs. 1000/- and you withdraw Rs. 200/-. This is how the transaction will go.

Please swipe your card and pull it out.
You have Rs. 1000/- in your account.
Please enter the amount you wish to withdraw
Please collect your cash.
Do you want a receipt for this transaction?

The moment you agree to a Receipt and press ‘Yes’ the ATM connects and communicates through, a host processor to your Bank’s Server and deducts the amount you have withdrawn from your account and gives you, your latest bank balance in a jiffy, like this.

Here is your new account balance.


Wow!!! And silly, mathematically challenged , me thought it was Rs. 800!!!

And with this I complete 100 posts folks! Thank you! :)