Monday, January 26, 2009

Clause and Effect

Flash News

Mumbai: The Taj Mahal Hotel which was insured against a terror attack will soon be rebuilt without much cost to the company we are told. According to a Press Release, the Management of the Hotel was delighted when they got the bill. It was promptly sent over to their Insurance Company for settlement. The Insurance Company was also reportedly delighted to have been of assistance. They declined the coffee and croissants however citing acute nausea.

Reacting to this news in a hurriedly organized Press Conference, The Insurance Companies Association of India (TICA) announced several new coverage schemes for buildings big and small against terror attacks.

A spokesperson for TICA said that "the attack on the Taj Mahal has bought the issue of terrorism into our Reception, single bedrooms, double bedrooms, Honeymoon Suite, Presidential Suite, Patisserie, Bar, Chinese restaurant, Sushi Bar, Italian restaurant, Afghan restaurant, the Grand Ballroom, Business Center etc. It has therefore become imperative for Insurance Companies to take a relook at the existing schemes that cover terror attack and make it more comprehensive to help business offset losses suffered due to damage to buildings and infrastructure due to terrorist attacks and or acts of war."

The news was greeted with relief by beleaguered businesses reeling under the recession and threats of attack by terrorists. When queried by a reporter about the conditions and clauses of these new schemes, the spokesperson said "Ahem!" He declined to comment further.

Under conditions of anonymity an association member revealed that a building will be considered a victim of terror attack if the terrorists -

1. Were not from a neighboring country
2. Did not speak Urdu or Hindi
3. Do not like Amitabh Bachchan movies and or were fans of Shah Rukh Khan, Aishwarya Rai, Salman Khan etc ( For full list see Annexure I)
4. Did not carry automatic weapons but used only a butter knife for the operation, (though a provision under Rule 456, Section ii provides for allowing a Fruit Knife and or Swiss knife attack at an additional premium of Rs 50,000/- per month. For full list of weapons see the Kitchen Implements section of your department store)
5. Have not at any point in their life watched/owned a pirated Bollywood movie
6. Have not at any point in their life heard/owned pirated Bollywood music
7. Have not at any point in their life owned an illegal Reliance Connection
8. Possessed only one valid Passport
9. And only one legal verified SIM card connection
10. Are medically certified to suffer from sea sickness
11. Had not entered the country illegally
12. Were honest and law abiding citizens

The spokesperson added "I forgot to mention the Spa and Health Club in the third paragraph."

24 comments:

Usha Pisharody said...

ROFL..

I hope the Insurance Companies will not see this!

You can be sure they will borrow the clauses, without your permission too!!

The satire underscores the irony of how things are, really!

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

TICA masala in a silverine platter :)

thomman said...

And the swimming pool too. :D

Mind Curry said...

i was impressed to see the new policy will cover the hotel and future policy holders under the scheme from crores of rupees since i thought it would cover the attacks from neo-terror groups within our country such as the senas and youth federations. but then the last clause excluded them ALL: "12. Were honest and law abiding citizens"

dsk said...

hey what about the gym???

Abhilash said...

i hate to be a spoilsport.

But girl, you ought to pick on a less,um, pricky,topic :)

The poor hotels and the insurance companies have had enough trouble with the attacks, the recession and stuff. They all av to make a living too, no ?

But as always, cant help but smile at what uve written

mathew said...

versace..versace....!!!
Never mind I wear Ramachandran textiles.!!

rm said...

oh, they will pay ...

Radhika Ganesan said...

OMG ! Malyalees are SOO SOO hurmourous, not only you or matthew(wetspark) or other bloggers; My colleagues (mallus ofcourse) are so humourous. What's the avg. age of a malayalee by the way ?
Well as per the clause stated by anonymous person , first point is enough to state that there will NEVER be a insurance cover for ANY building in India; need not have stated the rest of the 11 points! Thanks to our padosis, the insurance policies will become short and sweet!

Nitram said...

A thought provoking post camouflage with satire....
May i suggest a career change to an Insurance clause writer?
You will make a killing!
:D

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

Absolutely hilarious. Loved the clauses, esp the last one. I'm sure all the insurance companies will just copy paste this in their next offering. Pinne do take note of the points you missed like pool, gym, toilets etc. :)

Thoorika said...

lols!!!! You missed few places :P

Adorable Pancreas said...

You implying that Dubya is a you-know-what? *applause*

Browser said...

We used to joke about this. Remember the add on for a health insurance where you could get a 5 lakh accident insurance for Rs.1. Of course there was a * with conditions apply. And the conditions normally stated that you should be travelling on a shocking pink bus, driven by a hippie wearing flouresent green, and you need to be sitting on the fourth row, aisle seat...... :-)

Mind Curry said...

flash news: silverine kidnapped. allegedly at the behest of a top insurance agency.

Mind Curry said...

Press Release:

We, the members of the All India Silverine Liberation Eelam (AISLE), hereby demand the immediate release of our beloved silverine and the Prime Minister's direct involvement in this case to ensure that the perpetrators are punished. We also plead all our members and supporters to contribute generously to a fund (cheque or dd in the name of the undersigned) using which we can insure Silverine, so that we can hire our own commandos for our and her protection.

Pappu Khemlani
Secretary,
AISLE

Mind Curry said...

we demand, we demand, we demand jestt eezzz!!

we demand, we demand, we demand jestt eezzz!!

we demand, we demand, we demand jestt eezzz!!

thomman said...

Breaking news: Silverine released!!

Perpetrators:

Please take your so called "beloved" silverine away. We'll give YOU money if you take her away ASAP. Please bring along some aspirin, brufen, and an ambulence when you come.

silverine said...

Usha: The clauses they come up with defeats the very purpose of insurance..sigh!

Karthik: :)

Thomman and DSK: Yeah! I have safely put in the 'etc' to extend the coverage area! :p

MC: lol!

Abhilash: Thank you! :)

Mathew: :P

RM: That was a sweet foto! :)

Radhika: "first point is enough to state that there will NEVER be a insurance cover for ANY building in India" Spot on! just goes to show what a thorn in our side the neighbor has become.

Nitram: lol!! I am getting plenty of offers! :)

Abhi: I shudder to think of the new clauses these companies will come with after they pay for the Taj!

MC: LOL!!! Doc you put the fear of god in some people and I was released post haste after I had signed away the rights to the 'clauses' :p

Thomman: I am not that bad!! >:P

lol!!

Mind Curry said...

yay!! great to have you back..thank God they released you without any harm..btw, are you insured?

Bullshee said...

Which means if I attacked the Taj with a butter knife, they could claim insurance??

Interesting....lets see if I can turn this into a business model involving me barging into 5 stars with butter knives and ravaging the luncheon buffets and then taking a nominal percentage of the claim....hmmmmmm.....

silverine said...

Mind Curry: Yes I do have insurance but its of no use I just learned. According to the policy, if I have a blog then I am not entitled to any claims :|


Bullshee: lol!! Now that would a very destructive run indeed. Guess Kasav's got competition here! :p

Mind Curry said...

oh definitely your blog is worth many a life :)

Mind Curry said...

except yours, ofcourse...