Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Doubting Thomasina

“Come on girl you can do it” I told myself for the nth time. “Don’t lose heart. You can do it. Let go of the feelings that you cannot. Think positive!!!” I urged myself. But it was of no use. I had lost the ability to gossip! :( This is a tragedy of epic proportions peoples for a girl like me. It is like losing the will to live!!

My friends despaired. Conversations with me were becoming difficult.

Friend 1: Did you hear that Rohan is cheating on Anjana!!
Me: Bullshit!!
Friend 2: Really???? Wow!!! Err… I mean how sad. That black guard!!
Friend 3: That f*****g ba****d!!!!
Me: Hey!! Stop right there! How do you know that for sure???
Friend 1: What’s wrong with you? Did you not hear me saying that Rohan cheated on Anjana with Sheryl?
Me: What’s the proof?
Friends: *collective gasp of horror*

My friends tried every trick in the girly book to make me see sense.

Friend 1 (kindly): Listen Anju, just a year ago you had no problem in putting two and two together …
Friend 2: …and coming up with 22!!
Friend 3: And sometimes 222!
Friend 4: And sometimes…
Me (hastily): I get the picture!
Friend 1: Why are you insisting on 4 now, for god sakes!!!! What’s happened to you?
Me: I guess I have finally got my Math right hmmm?
Friends: *thwack!!!!*
Me: *******

Even the ladies in the family were getting worried. Instead of getting ready for the marriage racket err marriage market, I beg your pardon, I meant marriage, I was instead getting ready to attain Nirvana!! With Sr. Alphonsa attaining Sainthood there was no need for another saint in the district was the united verdict. The concerned aunts decided that I needed to be retrained in the art of womanliness.

Aunt one: Mole, a girl is regarded as a girl only if she has some feminine guile.
Me: How do you know that?
Aunt one: err I just know… besides your Uncle also agrees. Now listen to me mole, a woman should indulge in some healthy amount of gossip you know to keep her feminity intact!
Aunt two (earnestly): Very true!! Susan is right. Even my husband says that he loves it when I gossip *giggle*
Me (under my breath): That’s because he is a bloody woman!
Aunt three (triumphantly): Exactly!! It is womanly to gossip mole!!!
Aunt two (earnestly): As long as it is healthy gossip!
Me: How will I know if it is healthy gossip or not!
Aunt one: Ente karthave!*
Aunt two: Ente daivame!*
Aunt three: Ente maadhave!*

The following week when my aunts were conducting a Prayer Meeting for my soul, I had this conversation with an elderly Ammachi who was sitting in the verandah saying Rosary!

Me: Ammachi, what is happening to me? I don’t believe in hearsay anymore!
Ammachi: Mmm you are growing up my child!
Me: Err what about my aunts? They are older than me and still gossip!
Ammachi (eyebrows arched): You call them grown up?
Me (gloomily): It is so manly not to gossip they say!
Ammachi: %$@& who told you that!!! Their men are worse than them!!!!
Me (brightening up): *whew* I thought I had it. This was the end of the road for me.
Ammachi (sarcastically): Koche! Wearing pants or saree doesn’t make you a man or a woman. It is what is inside that makes you what you are! Understood? *wonk* wonk* Damn it I cannot even wink anymore...sigh!
Me: ewwww!

I am now pursuing a refresher course in ‘Appreciating Gossip’! Tips and tricks welcome. Please donate generously!

*OMG!

42 comments:

Silvara said...

LOL - all the best for your speedy recovery :P

Abhilash said...

LOL

But seriously, your aunts are kinda right - girls ought to be gossipy, giggly and obsessing non-stop about nonsensical things

:)

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Nice.

Status quo I like. Very much.

hammy said...

Well, two paths to choose from

1. The girly gossipy womanly path designed to tone down the 'ente karthave/ maathave's from your aunties.

2. Rebelling the typecast gossipy role and challenging tradition... Adapting to being a 'grown up', which, of course, implies a strong tolerance for the 'ente karthave/ maathave' type of wails...

Which one should you choose? Frankly, I don't care, as long as it gets you blogging again.

:D

P.S. I wish I could give some tips on gossiping, but being a guy, I never gossip. So I can't help out there.

By the way... did you hear? The admin lady across the hall has a crush on one of the temps.

But you didn't hear it from me.

mathew said...

hehe..nice one..
we dont gossip..we bet!!! ;-D

Oh yeah havent you tried the Gossipakasthuri ayurvedic tonic...one sip and you can suddenly feel a new sense of Gossip in your kidney!!

Manoj said...

Hi,

The 'art of gossip' have been mastered by men and women alike.Women were unchallenged in it like the Australian test team but off late (like SA test team) men have started to question their supremacy. I know some guys who are worse than girls and its a pain to be in their company.In my opinion some amount of gossip is as vital as air and water for human existence but when excessively done it is a useless excercise.Hope all of us keeps its usage to the minimum.

Cheers

--xh-- said...

ente karthavee... apppo oralu rakshapettu.. aa ammachikku vivaram undu :)

(btw, i needed this laugh so badly today :) thanx for that...)

Pramod Abraham said...

Ammachi is out of the gossip circle!! Or probably the gossip is not much as it was in her hay days.

Pramod Abraham said...

Ammachi is out of the gossip circle !! Or probably the gossip is not much as it was in her hay days.

Nitram said...

Hope this is just a temporary phase,
like teenage!
Get well soon!
:)

Radhika Ganesan said...

lovely ! you are a good raconteur ! Well yes gossiping depends on the levels of curiosity of a person immaterial of whether it is a woman or a MAAAN .... in fact what i have noticed in 6 years of experience (of having friend group which includes boys) is that they are equally interested in everything happening around them ... its just that they don't confess...i hope you come out of hate-gossip syndrome ... its sometimes good to know things happening around you :D !

MC said...

you actually asked for tips?? hmm..okay, visit kerala and live there for a month to re-master the art (and more!).

hehe..jokes apart, i am sure you couldnt be happier since you are cured of the disease. i am sure it feels a lot lighter and easier now. coz i feel toxic and heavy when i hear gossip. and your ammachi is very correct about men and women - i have seen men who are masters of gossip, and beat most women in the art!

MC said...

@ silvara - lol..speedy recovery it seems..

Deepti said...

Maybe a phase like Gossiper's block ;) happens to everyone .. :D

Binny V A said...

ente karthava = OMG

How come I never noticed that before?

Oh, and blogging is gossip - high tech gossip.

silverine said...

Silvara: :p he he thanks!

Abhilash: Point taken! :p

Karthik: Thank you! :)

Hammy: LOL!! Mums the word! ;)

Mathew: "Gossipakasthuri" LOL!! That was really funny!

Manoj: Thank you Sir for the info! :)

--xh--: Thanks buddy. That made my day too! :)

Pramod: Ammachi is in another circle I guess! :p

Nitram: You give me hope! :p

Radhika: Thank you and thanks for the comments on the other posts too! :) What you observed is so true!

MC: It sure does feel lighter!!! :) Thanks doc!

Deepti: *whew* I hope so too. I am in a sympathetic mode for the "gossiped" people and often tend to get into their shoes and hence the dilemma! :)

Binny: Well, I do not know the etymology of that word, but in my family it is used as an expression for 'OMG'.

Thoorika said...

I encountered this syndrome than you :P very funny post!

rm said...

*wonk* *wonk*? what did that look like? :D

And what's with all the marriage talk? :-|

And I guess I shouldn't write today, *sniff*. :(

PS: did you know what raconteur meant? sounded like someone who catches raccoons ...

rm said...

... and :D

dsk said...

hey.....

r u trying to prove that u dont indulge in gosssip??

lol... nice one

Dreamcatcher said...

Dear silverine


Wow...This is mind blowing...i was literally laughing after reading your blog....it took time to stop that laughter.Thanks for that.

In fact...if you are look out to kick start your gossiping ability..

sit with a couple of granny... as a starters session....i am sure..you will definitely kick start.. that inborn ability.

DTox said...

lol :D ..

Yeah, that's one iron lady 'Ammachi' you were talking about. Still, I would recommend you to go for that 'Gossippukumari' potion.

New entrant here .. and, is that why I feel your posts are getting too far and few between :) ?

Arslan said...

As long as your blogs flow regularly, I'm not too bothered by your lack of interest in gossiping :) But, plz don't ever lose your will to make us laugh!

silverine said...

Thoorika: Thank you! Glad to meet another one! :)

RM: *wonk* *wonk* looked like a really bad attempt to wink! lol!! And there is no marriage talk, not yet! ;)

"sounded like someone who catches raccoons" rofl! It mean a good 'narrator' dumbo! Please use a dictionary!

dsk: Thanks! :) Actually I am beginning to feel sorry for the "gossiped"!

Dreamcatcher: Thank you dear! :) I sure have to hang around with a kickass Ammachi like her to recover! lol

DTox: Ammachi rocks!! :p Well you
are right about postings becoming infrequent. This year is turning out to be terribly busy! :( "Gossippukumari" potion was hilarious btw!

Arslan: Thank you! That was very sweet! :)

Praveen said...

if u want to learn gossiping , come to my company cubicle..I can see 2 gals in my cubicle murmuring something all the time...

a gr8 post there...hehehhee:D

Usha Pisharody said...

Lol..

Hilarious!

Now waiting for the post on how these suggestions worked for you :) [Or tried to.. :)]

Browser said...

U're in trouble girl. All the official announcements always make their rounds as gossip before they are officially made.

Bullshee said...

Ha ha ha!!! Too much!! Especially your Ammachi, who seems like quite a woman!!!

I don't know if men gossip, but we sure do bitch about other people. And make it less girly than it is supposed to be, we throw in several hundred choice expletives to mask the oestrogen levels of our bitchiness!! :-D

Sriram said...

wow.. nice post this.. So out of lack of anything to say, I re-post the italicised version of the 'classic' part of the post ;)
Aunt one: Ente karthave!*
Aunt two: Ente daivame!*
Aunt three: Ente maadhave!*


.
.
.

*OMG!


And the customary..

ROFLMAO!
But seriously.. this was good!

Anonymous said...

Miss Anjali Philip, you are the best! lol

Pratz said...

lolz...try this technique...ask a rhetoric question in your mind and then try answering it like the guy in the previous post....the result may result in u initiating a mindless gossip convo with your friends... [:P]... try it sometimes

damsel in distress said...

get cured..soon.i mean ASAP.

Stigacup said...

Tip 1 : You could say things like - "yeah! I kinda was thinking so!!"
This way they wouldn't know of u not knowing about it.. they would ask u the details rather as u were just thinking!!

Tip 2 : You could use my standard reply "Yeah? Thats (interesting/awful)[depending on the situation]!!/"

Btw, Who am i telling the tips to?

U were making 2 and 2 as 222...

U probably needed some motivation thats all..!! :)

I am looking forward to a post as to why u lost interest in gossiping...

Shimmer said...

oooh.. stay as u are!
gossip is crap.. its cruel,, and does bad more than good..

i prefer to blab nonsesne than gossip.. at least i make ppl laf. hehe :P ;)

silverine said...

Praveen: Thank you! :)

Usha: I am afraid this is a chronic problem now! No cure in sight! :p

Browser: Fortunately I am tuned into that kind of gossip. :)

Bullshee: "Estrogen levels of our bitchiness" LOL!! You have so smoothly institutionalized gossip as a female trait! :)

Sriram: :p Thanks buddy!

Anon: Yeah..I know! ;)

Pratz: That was a good suggestion. But instead of helping me it might start the rumor mills churning for some poor soul! :)

damsel in distress: lol! Thanks girl!

Stigacup: Thanks! :) Good suggestion btw!

Shimmer: You said it girl! And thats why I stopped cos aspersions without basis can hurt real bad. :)

thomman said...

Ok, it's a good post. As usual. But using a very sweet good name in a demeaning manner is not the way to respect Apostles. Yeah, I'm talking about the title, and the apostle I'm referring to is..... obviously.....ME!

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

I think you should listen to your Aunty's and FRIENDS. After all gals gossip and if they don't do it where'll the world be. *SIGH*

Still thinking said...

Does that mean you'll get uninteresting? :(

Nah, not by the likes of this post! :)

Cris said...

lol welcome to the club! I have been suffering this for ages.
Since I wouldnt have it that any boy and girl who walked together for 120 seconds too long could be having something "funny" going on. So each time a couple pass us, my pals wud say "There goes Cris's friends"- stress on Cris's friends.

silverine said...

thomman: A thousand apologies my friend. My bad, but since we gals are a trusting lot, we do not have a patron saint for female skeptics and hence the err impromptu innovation :-|

Abhi: Thank god for guys like you!!!

Still Thinking: Thanks gal! :)

Cris: Same to same here. Great to meet another person like me! :)

3xsoncalvary said...

I love to gossip, and I certainly think that men do it as much as women do. Except we don't like to call it gossip, we call it something like networking or such.

However, the last time I went back home, I sensed this sort of unrest in the gossip communities in the extended family. The reason was simple. Arranged marriages seem to be going out of fashion, and parents seem to have gotten used to agreeing to their kids marrying the people of their choice. In fact I attended something that would not have taken place in my family say five years ago, namely a semi love, semi arranged marriage. But now they are so common that one of the most important things to gossip about has become so common its not gossip anymore.

But I'm glad to see that a divorce or extramarital affairs are still taboo enough to be gossed about.

DPhatsez said...

My pet cat was also Thomasina(sniff! God bless her soul) Loved the movie too.

Thank you for reminding how FAMILY interacted.
My valiyammaachi and her silver-haired cohorts were the Bitching Badasses from Hell.
Her motor functions were slow but boy i'd kill to get her brain. The ease with which she 'gossip-linked' two family members who haven't seen each other before is quite frankly AMAZING.

And about you losing your gossip powers..LIAR! ;)