“Come on girl you can do it” I told myself for the nth time. “Don’t lose heart. You can do it. Let go of the feelings that you cannot. Think positive!!!” I urged myself. But it was of no use. I had lost the ability to gossip! :( This is a tragedy of epic proportions peoples for a girl like me. It is like losing the will to live!!
My friends despaired. Conversations with me were becoming difficult.
Friend 1: Did you hear that Rohan is cheating on Anjana!!
Friend 2: Really???? Wow!!! Err… I mean how sad. That black guard!!
Friend 3: That f*****g ba****d!!!!
Me: Hey!! Stop right there! How do you know that for sure???
Friend 1: What’s wrong with you? Did you not hear me saying that Rohan cheated on Anjana with Sheryl?
Me: What’s the proof?
Friends: *collective gasp of horror*
My friends tried every trick in the girly book to make me see sense.
Friend 1 (kindly): Listen Anju, just a year ago you had no problem in putting two and two together …
Friend 2: …and coming up with 22!!
Friend 3: And sometimes 222!
Friend 4: And sometimes…
Me (hastily): I get the picture!
Friend 1: Why are you insisting on 4 now, for god sakes!!!! What’s happened to you?
Me: I guess I have finally got my Math right hmmm?
Even the ladies in the family were getting worried. Instead of getting ready for the marriage racket err marriage market, I beg your pardon, I meant marriage, I was instead getting ready to attain Nirvana!! With Sr. Alphonsa attaining Sainthood there was no need for another saint in the district was the united verdict. The concerned aunts decided that I needed to be retrained in the art of womanliness.
Aunt one: Mole, a girl is regarded as a girl only if she has some feminine guile.
Me: How do you know that?
Aunt one: err I just know… besides your Uncle also agrees. Now listen to me mole, a woman should indulge in some healthy amount of gossip you know to keep her feminity intact!
Aunt two (earnestly): Very true!! Susan is right. Even my husband says that he loves it when I gossip *giggle*
Me (under my breath): That’s because he is a bloody woman!
Aunt three (triumphantly): Exactly!! It is womanly to gossip mole!!!
Aunt two (earnestly): As long as it is healthy gossip!
Me: How will I know if it is healthy gossip or not!
Aunt one: Ente karthave!*
Aunt two: Ente daivame!*
Aunt three: Ente maadhave!*
The following week when my aunts were conducting a Prayer Meeting for my soul, I had this conversation with an elderly Ammachi who was sitting in the verandah saying Rosary!
Me: Ammachi, what is happening to me? I don’t believe in hearsay anymore!
Ammachi: Mmm you are growing up my child!
Me: Err what about my aunts? They are older than me and still gossip!
Ammachi (eyebrows arched): You call them grown up?
Me (gloomily): It is so manly not to gossip they say!
Ammachi: %$@& who told you that!!! Their men are worse than them!!!!
Me (brightening up): *whew* I thought I had it. This was the end of the road for me.
Ammachi (sarcastically): Koche! Wearing pants or saree doesn’t make you a man or a woman. It is what is inside that makes you what you are! Understood? *wonk* wonk* Damn it I cannot even wink anymore...sigh!
I am now pursuing a refresher course in ‘Appreciating Gossip’! Tips and tricks welcome. Please donate generously!