A few decades back, cops chased robbers to apprehend them. A few decades later the cops still chase robbers...but it is to get their share of the loot. I think somewhere along the line the robbers and cops got tired of the chase and decided to split the loot amicably, instead of sweating it out in lanes and by lanes of Bangalore. As a result, ‘Misappropriation’ or robbery in common lingo has become an attractive profession. With the influx of Information Technology professionals into Bangalore, Robbery has become a lucrative profession too. In fact robbery can be called an ancillary industry of the Information Technology industry.
So stop tapping on that keyboard, coding and logging bugs and try out this exciting new employment opportunity. If you are looking for a fat pay packet, Action, Adventure, and that heady Adrenalin rush, then ‘Robbery’ is the perfect job for you.
For aspirants these Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) will be a lot of help. The FAQs was compiled by this writer with the help of Inspector Kempanna who would like to remain anonymous.
FAQ’s for students/aspirants.
Q: What is the difference between an ordinary man and a cop?
Ans: The ordinary man is law abiding.
Q. What is the difference between a cop and a robber?
Ans: A robber does not have to wear uniform to work.
Q. What are the similarities between a robber and a cop?
Ans: Both are robbers.
Q. Is robbery a dangerous profession?
Ans: No, not if you remit your IT deductions properly.
Q. Are robbed items subject to Income Tax?!?!?!
Ans: IT stands for Illegal Takings. You have to give a percentage of the Illegal Takings to the cops. This is known as IT deduction. Otherwise they will hunt you down more efficiently than the Scotland Yard. Most robbers in jail are IT defaulters.
Q. Is there anyway I can avoid paying IT deductions?
Ans: Death and taxes are inevitable and gruesome death is inevitable if you are an Illegal Takings evader.
Q. How do I become a robber?
Ans: By informing the local police station.
Q. Is there any hierarchy among robbers?
Ans: Yes, the Sub Inspector is the top dog followed by the Constable who is Top Cat (it's complicated).
Q. Can I rob in any area?
Ans: No, you will be assigned an area by the Cops and Robbers Association. This prevents a homeowner from being robbed twice in a day.
Q. What will be my take home salary?
Ans: The sky is the limit. The more you rob the more you make minus IT deductions. Besides income from robbery is totally exempt from all other taxes.
Q: Do I have to declare all that I rob to the cops?
Ans: Yes, they will know the exact list of stolen items from the FIR filed by the robbed.
Q. What if I am not a successful robber?
Ans: Then you can go back to a regular 9 to 6 job.
Q: What is the retirement age for Robbers.
Ans: There is no retirement age for Robbers, but it better to save for a rainy day oops...I mean dry day as rainy day takings are very good.
*********
Inspector Kempanna has helped me compile some FAQ for Ordinary Citizens too. This will help you get you your valuables back…at least part of it.
FAQ’s for ordinary citizens.
Q. What should I do after I realize I am robbed?
Ans: Take a stiff shot of whiskey. In case you don’t drink then start drinking. You will need it. Make sure the whisky is well hidden for such eventualities. The dustbin is a good place.
Q. Will that help me get back my valuables?
Ans: No, but it will help you go back to sleep.
Q. But shouldn’t I inform the cops immediately?
Ans; Don’t bother, they already know.
Q. What should I do after I wake up?
Ans: Make a Wish List of things that you would like to buy if you win the Lottery. Then file an FIR declaring the things in your Wish List as the missing items from your home.
Q. Will that FIR help me get back my valuables?
Ans: No, but the cops will be hot on the heels of the robber for not getting their share of IPods, Playstation, Lear Jets, Mercedes, Ferrari, Pleasure Boats, 20 room bungalow with swimming pool etc.
Q. But my wish list has Aiswarya Rai and Bipasha Basu too. Will it be a problem?
Ans: No, it will not be a problem, unless Aishwarya and Bipasha from the Jolly Girl Dance Bar has retired or left town.
Q. And what if Aishwarya and Bipasha from the Jolly Girl Dance Bar have retired and left town?
Ans: Then the robber will be given Third Degree to reveal where he has hidden them.
Q. Will I ever get my valuables back?
Ans: Yes, it will be returned the moment you agree to give the SI half of the ‘recovered’ valuables. Your possessions will be in his house anyways for valuation.
Q. And what if I do not want to give half of my valuables to the cops.
Ans: Rob the SI.
Q. What happens to the robber?
Ans: If he is still alive he will go to jail for robbing you and after he is released from jail will pay a monthly fine to the cops for the rest of his life for not revealing the location of the IPods, Playstation, Lear Jets, Mercedes, Ferrari, Pleasure Boats, 20 room bungalow with swimming pool, Aishwarya and Bipasha.
( This post was written after a colleague was robbed and the cops asked her to give money or part of the recovered valuables as their fees)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
49 comments:
ohmygod!!!!!!
this is literally getting too much...8 acres of land!!!!!...why did the fellah have to be more greedy!!!...i could have retired on that..and i thought i had expensive tastes!!
want to write a real monologue here..but i am too tired after putting in a 12 hour job earning my pea nuts :(
@Moc:Thanks for the first comment :) When it comes to expensive tastes no one can beat our coppers :))
p.s.Thanks for the comment after the slog. Looking foward to the monologue:)
Apalling!!
And the sad part is the newspaper has "Mr." in front of their names.
I ahve been through a simiolar ordeal where I had to accompany a friend hit in a bike accident(from the Goa planning bunch of frnds) to a police station in Mumbai and the cops demanded bribe for registering an FIR.
Its the same everywhere I tell ya, bangalore, mumbai, delhi and people relent to it too. So sad.
Fools!
Money is like manure.... you gotta spread it out thinnnnly. If you keep it in plain daylight and in one basket, it sure gonna stink to the high heavens. These kids are amateurs..... real stormtrooper sh1t! They sure need to Uncle Anand's "Economy of Crime 101" classes :P
----------------------
On a more serious note, here's something allegorical, pertaining to the issue at hand, from Juvenal's Satire VI: Against Women
I hear always the admonishment of my friends:
Bolt her in, and constrain her!"
But who will watch the watchmen?!
The wife arranges accordingly, and begins with them.
LOL... Hilarious FAQ's !!!! Luvvvved the subtle sense of humor :)) Must remember to crank up the FIR...and a Harley Davidson will be def on the list.
PG
Funny! I wonder if my cycle is there in our SI's home :=?
waah!! i am another victim
reminds me of police and robber we play in school!! lol!!
Q. How do I become a robber?
Ans: By informing the local police station.
that was the best!!
I got an anonymous email from the Robbers' Association when I left my laptop, while reading this.
They have strict orders to find out your real name. I would take care if I were you. The mail also said that they thank me for directing them to this article, and hence as a token of gratitude my laptop was still with me.
Anyways, please tell Insp. Kempanna to be careful too, he will have a visit soon to get the answer why he divulged such sensitive information.
Thought you should know...
(Ag)ine ...
can we expect this in a published form ?
The best of silverine/ the FAQs of life ..
:) ~tta
This is a situation one has to face everywhere in India unless your friend's dad is the SI or someone you know is in the great profession...
Here... I had to teach a cop who stopped me to check my license how to read it & when I told him that I had got it from TamilNadu, He was surprised and was on the verge of asking money from me for not holding a valid license... :(
May the cops(robbers) live in prosperity!!!
OMG! You are the goddess of satire. Hillarious post. Loved every bit.
loved this post,could not help remembering playing cops and robbers as a child.back then the only people with the loot were the robbers.
looting the looted. guess nobodys paid nuff. rather nobodys happy with their paycheck.
soon robbers will demand that they be recognized as a legit working class!! my dad got pickpocketed at banglore last year and he was so pissed, since then he has had secret pockets stitched into his pants!!!
You certainly have opened my eyes to a new adventurous profession...cud u ask inspector kempanna if the cops have any problem with redistribution of stolen goods among the masses...in that case i'd be interested...becoming the new-age robinhood or kayamkulam kochunni cud be a sure ticket to fame and an assembly seat!
That was really sarcastic..
Really bad of the cops to do that - sometimes it is amazing how much inconvenience are people put to by the cops
Oh yes - very well written as well...
You r back to your exceptional sense of humour
@Lalit: Apalling! Asking for money to file an FIR. In bangalore they have now made it mandatory for the cops to take any FIR filed. Dunno if they are following the orders.
@Uncle Anand: I think you should seriously consider becoming an Investment Advisor for Misappropriators. Such services have a lot of scope nowadays:p
Who will watch the watchman indeed!!
@Parthiv: Harley Davidson lol I would put a Sauna Jacuzzi among the 'missing' items :P
@Densel: This is the second oldest profession in the world :))
@Rockus: Thanks buddy ! Check the SI's house :))
@mind curry: Thank you :)Read you post and was hopping mad...at you!!! Why didnt you report it??? But the whole thing sounded scary. This happened in broad daylight and with so many people!!! Just shows that criminals know crowd mentality well :(
@Fleiger: I am sitting in an undisclosed location replying to comments. Besides I keep changing my location every day. Just to be on the safe side. I forgive you for sneaking on me. You did what you had to do to save your skin and Laptop. ;)
@Tarun: Thank you :) FAQ's of life..getting it published might attract a Fatwa on my head lol
@1.168: Most of the cops dont know the rules themselves! And they do live in prosperity!
@Paresh: Thank you :)
@starrynights: Thanks. The equation has changed now. The cops too have joined the party :))
@lost in trance: Tell me who is happy with their paycheck except Bill Gates lol These guys are paid pretty decently.
@Jiby:We desperately need new-age robinhood or kayamkulam kochunni. So please do think about it :))
@tcr_79: Cops have always made life inconvenient for people. And they feel so powerful when they stop and question an educated person. Thanks for the compliments :)
omigod, do cop really ask for money to file FIR?!?! that is really RIDICULOUS!!
We need really a grassroot level change in India, which seems so impossible to me after hearing this.. I thought that the cops mingle with just dawood and chhota rajan, ut this is very shocking to hear :-S especially when more people from abroad are thinking of settling back home.
I was looking for an alternate source of income…
Any idea where they give training for this profession? Or do we have to learn on the job?
Will they recruit freshers or do I need to fake some experience certificates?
Will holding the post of treasurer for three inter-collegiate festivals and being the tour organizer for four successive years be considered as relevant experience?
If needed, I can get some recommendation letters from the local secretary of CPI(Q) or the Prachar Shikshak of BhaGPa or even the Dic(K) head of our district. I heard the All India Thief’s Union (AITU) and the All India Politician’s Association (AIPA) are sister concerns of each other…
Well, it wasn't intentional. Code due in 2 hours, presentation due same time, slept at 11 and woke at 4. Well, wanted some relaxation, and was reading your blog. Just kept tha laptop for 2 min, to get a snickers from vending machine, and that's whe it happened.
@matter of choice - What's this about 8 acres?
@ Silverine - Great post - brought to mind two incidents. A friend of ours in TVM bought an expensive dog because of the menance from thieves. They stole the dog within a week - left the other valuables intact :-)
In the second incident I was driving back to TVM one night and was feeling hungry. The highway is usually dotted with "Thattu kadas" but today they were all closed. Finally found one that was closing down and managed to sneak a bite. I struck up a conversation with the owner and asked him why everybody else was closed. He said that the police has imposed orders that they had to close by 11:00 p.m. The reason - According to the police only robbers frequent these places after 11:00 p.m. Go figure!!
At ur hilarious best! :)
Humour makes ppl take notice... Good way to put ur point across :)
"Aishwarya and Bipasha of Jolly Girl Dance Bar"
ROTFL
Good on you woman.
heeee heeee heeee
miss ,
therez one thing tho
" what happens to do DIL CHURANE WALE ? "
too much of hindi movie lingo , i guess ... still , the qn is valid .. after all ,it is a qn of robbing !
Q. What if I am not a successful robber?
Ans: Then you can go back to a regular 9 to 6 job. -
but this time , i guess food and accomodation is free !!!! (in prison , i mean )
*cute*
Superb!!
Q. But shouldn’t I inform the cops immediately?
Ans; Don’t bother, they already know.
Too darn funny.
I hope your colleague is doing fine. *hug* to him/her.
@Venus: At Bangalore, robbery is an organised activity with cops and robbers in the take.
@Geo: LOL...you have come to the right place for advice. You don't need any formal training but if you have at least one pick pocketing to your credit then you can start off immediately. On the other hand you can apprentice under a master robber. Go to the nearest cop station and ask for advice on the best in the trade. Besides you dont need an Exp Cert.You are highly qualified and experienced in the art of robbery since you were treasurer and tour organizer lol The AIPA and AITU are actually one, having merged many decades ago. 75% of IT deductions go to the AIPA. Hope I have answered all your queries. For more detailed enquiries pls contact nearest Police Station
@Fleiger: Quite understand your situation :)
@@Browser: According to the police only robbers frequent these places after 11:00 p.m. ROFLAO No comments :)) And that dog being stolen was a scream. I was guffawing so loud in office. Hats off to our intrepid robbers. What next? Will they steal from police stations? LOL
p.s. matterofchoice was referring to the link in the first para.
@Dev: Thanks buddy...I have no choice but to poke fun..dont have a gun licence lol
@Iyer education: Thank you :) A visit to a cop station is horrible. I dont know if the constant interaction with criminal that is hardened them, but they dont seem to have an iota of humanity in them.
@Aashik:Next the C&R Assoc. will have their own website with tips and tricks from exp pros, careers page, maps of rich neighbourhoods, heirarchy details etc. LOL And Kempanna would prefer to remain anonymous :))
@If I tell ya gal: Thanks gurl..your latest post is rofl stuff :))
@Deepa: Dil churane wale? you mean organ thieves? :)) Food and accomodation is free only for IT defaulters!
@Elderly Camel :Thank you :)
@Psyche:Thank you dear. My colleague didn't get back anything. She had just come back from Kerala after a wedding and rushed to office leaving the jewellery in the cupboard. Normally it is kept in the bank locker. What surprised everybody is the intuition of the robbers to strike on that very day!!!
Nice post dood.
lol..i did infact file a case..and for two days assisted the cops in their bandobust. but it was all futile. in the end i was contemplating complaining to the commissioner directly as i felt there was a lack of urgency among the lower level. thats when the SI begged me not to, and I decided to let it pass. anyway, maybe i should have complained to the comm. but i wouldnt have got the phone, and it would have got the SI a black mark.
..good one .. its sad but true .. i had heard abt bangalore sintuation frm a friend whu had come down recently frm dere .. crazy man .. so is delhi .. i remeber during my training .. i was in delhi branch for 2 months and was shit scared to cross the street via subways .. never left hotel after 7 .. but calcutta is the coolest .. now a days i return at 10.20 after swimming and no tension ..even 11 .. in the night its great..it was always suppsoed to have lowest crime rate and the safest city ...n it is .. the people here are accustomed to treating girls like china dolls... I have never been refused help..thts wht i like best about bengal .. its a cultured city .. and worth living ..
Goshh this is a bad situation. Recently read that s/w engg in pune are being looted around and someone was killed on B'bay-Pune highway :|
On a lighter note with that elaborate and witty writeup you could as well open job consultancy firm for wannabe robbers ;)) hehehe
@Alexis: Most of these incidents actually happened to people. I just put them together since it looks like an organised racket now and a viable profession for lot of people including college youth!!! :)
@psr chaithanya: Thanks dude :))
@mind curry: Thank god you did :) But it is no point sparing the SI as he is not going to return the favor anyways.
@Shruti: Kolkata rocks!!! I have been there too. It is the most civilised and cultured city in India. Been to Delhi too, just the opp of Kolkata. Never dared venture out unescorted!!!
@Ashis: This was just an informative post on an alternate profession. For job consultancy please contact nearest police station :))
Damn right about the cops, atleast here in B'lore. I was on my way bach from work yesterday... saw a bunck of RK fans burning tyres on the road, and about 20 cops just standing there doing nothing.
Impotent, is how I would describe the Bangalore police f(a)rce.
Tempting occupation... so if I want to put up a pretence of respectable job, I can join the police, and a less respectable job, join forces with the robbers...but you forgot to mention the ones working in govt offices... they too take in a lot of dough...
reminds me of some comedy scences from malayalm movies .... [:)].. especialy when jagathy and cochin haneefa act as policemen who tooks bribe ..
@Ammo: Karnataka has polled the 4th most corrupt state. The joke doing the rounds is that we bribed our way to the 4th position...we were actually 1st !!! :)) I have heard a lot about the efficient Mumbai cops..but please do not even talk in the same vein about Bangalore cops. Blr cops are one of the most corrupt force in the country I think, besides the richest. Hope you clicked on the link in the first para and read the news. That will give you a totally new insight into the type of money I am talking about.
@peppered soul on ice: They take no initiative at all, and get a little annoyed if you go and make a complaint. A complaint means loads of paper work for them. Pathetic!
@connors corner: I shall be writing about the govt types soon :)
@Monu: Malayalam movies show so much truth in those comedy films. Guess we mallus are like that wonly :))
good post
good read
nice blog
hmmm... subtlety to the fore, again!
dun thinks things are gonna improve here much, but having an ability to see things in a lighter wein, like you, would help -:)
felt a little sorry for the cops though, after watching what they were subjected to, in the streets today.
Btw, i've posted something new in my blog, would appreciate your thoughts -;)
funny but sad. we get so used to being this way that it hardly seems abnormal anymore.
cops..
there are good cops too.
One more in my line of links... this is what you may write now, after the FAQ.
And you got it, it was "Situation" with capital S when I wrote the comment.
ask ur frnd to log complaint with the central vigilance commisioner and the PMO through thier websites...The educated people specially who r net aware shud give this atleast an online fight....
Am late as usual but really funny one once again Silverine !!
esp the FAQs were so absolutely deadly !!
Say, how about the "Cops and Robbers Association (CORA) " floating an IPO in the Mumbai Stock Exchange. Am sure many will find this VERY rewarding investment..
:-)) Also that way ur wealth will remain ur own despite the robbery at ur place if u have enough shares of it..Better than investing in Infy! Well mebbe they'll give ESOPs too
Here's a logo for the company
http://copyfight.corante.com/archives/beagle-boys.gif
cheers
flaash
Well you chose a tough topic for humour and came out very well ..i must say...I wonder where this democracy of ours is leading us to ??
@Ajay: Thank you :)
@Alit: They did get a raw deal at the streets yesterday, but then there was a lot of pent up anger against them too. I feel so bad about that trainee Constable who was beaten to death :(
@Srinivas: Thats the tragedy..us getting used to it.
@Poison: There are good cops too I agree. Hats off to them.
@Fleiger: Glad you got Situation S under control :)) That link was nice, mebe we should start something like that here.
@Ankur: Thanks for the info buddy.
@flaash: ROFL :))That was a good one. Now you are talking, IPO and Logo...this is one place where I will invest a lot of black money if I had any :p
@Amitabha: Thank you :) I dont know if the vast majority of our people know what democracy is.
when my frd was robbed of 10k and he went to poice station to complain , the SI told my frd that since 10k is half of monthly salary for most s/w engrr , he should not worry about it :-) .The SI also asked my frd not file a complaint ...
Howlarious! Had me in splits...
Post a Comment