Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Visa Power !

A top Indian Scientists Visa to the US was rejected by the the consular officer (CO) after he "submitted him to intense scrutiny, accused him of hiding things and being a danger to America and denied his visa pending further review." Newspaper Report.

Now, one cannot entirely blame the US for putting Visa restriction on Indian scientists, due to their notorious misdeeds in the past. There is no smoke without a fire and we should stop the self righteous indignation over the above incident. Let me tell you about an incident that happened in the year 2001. This incident is the reason why strict checks and measures are now being applied on Indian scientists.

US Embassy, New Delhi. An Indian Scientist is giving in his Visa application papers to the Consular Officer.

Consular Officer (CO) (looking intently at the Indian scientist): So you are a chemist?
Indian Scientist (IS): Yes Sir.
CO: You dispense medicines?
IS:No no, I don’t dispense medicines.
CS: But it says here that you are a chemist.
IO (patiently ):Well... I am not that type of a chemist, I am a Research Scientist
CO: And I am Brad Pitt ha ha ha...I am afraid I have to reject your Visa application because you have provided false information.
CO: Next !!!!!!


CO(to next applicant): Why do you want to go to the US?
Applicant: I am going to learn to fly plane.
CO: Ah !!! A student I see. Have a nice stay in the US . Do check out the World Trade Centre and Pentagon while you are there.
Applicant: I have already done that you infidel !!!

CO(to next applicant): And why do you want to go to the US young man?
Applicant (happily): To learn to fly plane.
CO: That seems to be a popular course. I suppose you will get a big job as a pilot in some big airline after that yeah?
Applicant(beaming): No my leader says I will get 14 virgins in heaven.
CO: er... sure...

CO(to next applicant): Hello Mr. O’Sammy, And why do you want to go to the US?
O’Sammy: Because I hate the Yankee infidels.
CO: Well...I am no great fan of The Yankees myself...hmmm your name seems kinda familiar.
O’Sammy: It is the English version of my name you dimwit !
CO: hmmm You also look different in your photo Mr O’Sammy.
O’Sammy: Because I have shaved my beard you moron.
CO: Ah! And you hair seems kinda different too.
O’Sammy: That is because I have removed the scarf you pig!
CO: And what is that bulge in your side ?
O’Sammy (patting the Grenade and looking menacingly): That is something for you if I don’t get the Visa grrrrr
CO(taken aback): Jeez, what’s with the attitude!!! Have a nice stay in the US Mr. O’Sammy.
O’Sammy(shouting): Hail Holy War !!!!
CO( muttering to himself): Holy war indeed, bet you he can’t swat a fly if he wanted to $@%@^&

The Indian Scientist now decides to give a last ditch attempt at getting his Visa. He oils his hair with coconut oil, combs his hair neatly and steps up confidently.

Scientist: Good Morning ! I yam an Indian scientist. I yam highly qualified. I do not need much resources to make weapons of mass destruction. I can make a bomb with a shoelace and an empty Ice Cream cup. In fact if your country is facing a cash crunch I can manage with the shoe lace alone.And if you were to add a empty packet of Lays I would be able to able to make a Hydrogen Bomb too. Isn't it simbly amazing !!

CO: Interesting ! What is your name?

Scientist: Venkatachalpathaiah Muthueswaran Sivasubramanian Rao.

CO types in the name , the computer goes * boink * , then crashes taking the entire network of computers in the US, the lights in the embassy start flickering and Air Force One makes an emergency landing. The only message on the now black monitor is “Operating system found dead”.

Scientist: Aiyyo.



CO: grrrrrrrrrrrrr NEXT !!!!!!

I rest my case.

76 comments:

Arun said...

the first one is mine I guess..
had a hearty laugh on this one..having seen the kind of emotions and trauma at the US embassy, it is pretty intimidating. But when a huge country has so many people wanting to get in, such pananoia is understandable...
Loved the grenade tapping act! ;)

Mind Curry said...

i was laughing non-stop silverine!! excellent..i almost went *boink* myself.

"o'sammy" - rofl

anyway i am proud to announce i have been denied US visa 4 times now [all visit visas applied when my parents were travelling, the last one in 1994 - things have changed a lot since i guess :)]. reason : i am a single doctor

is that a reason??

apparently yes.

silverine said...

@Arun: Thanks for that comment and special thanks for being first :) It is funny how they decide on Visa Applicants dont they? Genuine applicants rarely get a chance!

silverine said...

@mind curry: You deserve a special award for getting rejected 4 times!!! And you are the most eligible bachelor on my Blog :)

Girls, go get him!!! :))

Mind Curry said...

lol..as soon as i read your comment, i got a flash back. from "big boss"..bruce lee getting chased. ok before i get slaughtered i shall stop.

i was just kidding :)i swear.

well the up side is that now i am not scared of rejections ;)

Matter of Choice said...

True power of blogdom :)

No stupid act by any burecracy shall go unreported or unridiculed!!!!

It must be the french visa interview that i underwent (yeah it was a torture!!) just last week...i am comforted by this post :)..atleast someone is finally getting back (and how!) at those insensitive CO's

cheers
Moc

Anand K said...

Boss, thou hast oodles of talent. Hats off to thee, oh Desi Blogosphere's Tina Fey. ;)

My real first name has 20 fields and my last name has 19 fields..... and the Bureau of Immigration Services have just 16 fields each. This hungry, brown FOB Mallu kid trembling like a leaf walked into the foreboding office of the BIS one October day (a few yrs ago).... to find that he doesn't exist as per records. The Kodiak bear at the counter gave me a look saying "Hey Amigo, where did you forge that sandnigger's I-20?".
Ahhh, life was so exciting till the powers that be finally fixed it about a month later.... Till that I swear I saw men in black suits with bulging sides, riding in nondescript vans, following me around. :P

calvin said...

Well I havent been to the US embassy but I have been to the German embassy .I am in Germany now , so I passed the test .

There was this nice lady sitting at a window reinforced with ultra thick bullet proof glass . My first thought was like "She is a nice lady Well this was not what I heard . " .

And she 'shot' questions at me. Dudes , I wasnt this scared of questions ever since I left LKG .
How could a nice lady suddenly turn into a Question-gun-weilding-Gabbar Singh in a matter of seconds ?

She speaks thru a microphone , so we can hear what she speaks , but we have to shout to make her hear . And she thought i was mumbling when I was actually shouting through the window.

The funniest part was that the lady was an Indian . You shoulda seen her face .. it was like "I've got u by the throat , now dont u budge my dear bunny.. "


PS : Silverine, I was sitting here the whole day monitoring ur blog so I could win the race to make the first comment and when i take a rest u make a post , and.. some guys have posted comments too. :((

Rockus said...

Laugh riot dear lady!
I guess I'll tell my immigration obessed friend to have a look at this...

calvin said...

How do u make things sound so hilarious ?

Alexis Leon said...

Another classic. ROFL

Anyone who has gone to the US embassy will tell you the horror stories. Till a few years back the applicants had to wait the whole night braving rains, mosquitoes and what not, outside the US Embassy in Madras, to get their Visa stamped. But now it seems that things have improved.

But I like your method of getting the Visa. It is faster and much more effective :-)

Gladtomeetin said...

Hey Hillarious Post ;-))

Anyway it's must to mention here, that i didn't have much of a problem to get my VISA done ;-)) But have heard of many crazy immigiration stories...probably will suggest your way to them !

Goan Pao said...

i am going to sue you for making me fall off my chair...just kidding.
but some smart ass should make a movie about angst in the US embassy waiting room, its more fear than when ones first semester results are displayed on the notice board.
Fortunately I didnt ever get to meet the CO. got a direct visa, guess the GRE score helped. but it was fun to watch the other applicants, and the best part is when they call names in gujarati.

zimblymallu said...

they let me in too. although they did screw up my name.

JamesBright said...

There could be a hidden computer virus in that name which was capable of crashing the military computers..!
Great stuff...!

Sujit said...

ha ha.. nice post..!! Although I too had got same questions..!! but what was quite interesting was that the lady recognized my previous visit to her!! and was asking about it than about the my current vist.. some how managed :d

Meesa Madhavan said...

Great post, if you just want to see the funny side of things. But the Pro-American that I am, I very well support what US is doing, may be one of the reasons why a Varansi bomb blast is one in a zillion for us Indians while a 9/11 is once in a millennium incident for US.
P.S: I got my visa in 30 seconds flat

MM

browser said...

Guess I'm one of the lucky few. Been there around 6 times and got through all times. They finally got tired and gave me a 10 year visa.

@Silveine - The most harrowing experience I've had is not with COs but for a school admission for my son. Hint, hint....

Geo said...

>>And you are the most eligible bachelor on my Blog :)

I protest
:_))

Vivek Panda said...

hahahaha!! u nd ur posts rock man !!!

Shriedhar said...

Hi.

funny post again :))

DD said...

"Operating system found dead"

ROTFL :)
Good one silverine

Thanu said...

This was too good...

My exp with US emb was so good.. no mistakes made no questions asked...

silverine said...

@mindcurry: You sound like a veteran of rejections!!! Maybe you can write a book :))
@MoC:Thank you :) Actually it was a couple of rejections followed by the news of the Indian Scientists being denied the Visa that led to the post.
@Anand : Thanks for the compliment, desi Tina Fey wow!!! And Kodiak bear was sooooo funny :)) men in black suits with bulging sides, riding in nondescript vans ROFL
@Aashik: I didnt know I had touchd a raw nerve till I read all the comments.lol Looks like lots of sufferers here.Actually I am down with cold and flu and so posted it just before I could drop off with sheer fatigue :)
@Rockus: Your poor friend, his miseries are just beginning, but then like Meesa Madhavan he may get thru without any problmes.
@Aashik; Isnt it funny how they give visa to terrorists and reject genuine applicants? :))
@Alexis:It is pathetic the way they treat applicants, makes me so angry grrrrr.
@gladtomeetin:Thank you girl :)

calvin said...

@silverine: Get well soon

silverine said...

@goan pav: They call names in Gujarati??? A movie about this is a great great idea!!!
@zimblymallu and sujith :You were lucky!!
@dreamslittle: Thanks :)
@MM: 30 second flat must be a record of sorts!
@Browser: lol got the hint :))
@Geo: mindcurry is the most eligible bachelor at present :)
@Vivek" Nice to see you Vivek :)
@Shridhar: Thank you :)
@DD: Thanks :))
@Thanu: I think all you successful applicants should write a book on the tricks and tips of getting a Visa :)

If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya said...

I ROTFL when I read this. I was snickering so hard the HR Manager came over from his bay to ask if I was ok. Yea Right!! HR and Concern??

And I'll have to take better care of Mind Curry now...Didn't realize he was on the eligible bachelor list. That's almost like a drop of blood in shark-infested waters!

Binoy, The One and Only said...

I remember my visa interview....
There was a cute looking girl infront of me.
CO: Are you married?
Girl: No
CO: Why?
(Rest of the room starts laughing)
CO: Why are you not married?
Girl: What?
CO: You want to marry a US citizen and stay there? (Like the single male population in India just got extinct)
Girl(shouting):NO!!!
CO: Then why are you not married?
Girl: Is it required for me to get married to go to U.S. ?
CO: (Keys in something) Your application is rejected. The reason is in this paper.

Poor cute girl. She was almost in tears.

Nagu said...

Silverine....FBI is now spying on you.

Nagu said...

FBI is spying on you. Next bombing at your house!!

Kusum Rohra said...

Gosh ... silverine you got to stop this man er sorry woman!! LOL this the second time people in my office have thrown me out as i ROFTL when i read your post, but i sneaked back in, I had to comment nah!!

Too good!!

BTW happy women's day sweets :)

Sreejith Narayanan said...

Hmmm....
Incidentally the scientist who got his visa rejected is a prof in our department. :(

and one similar real life incident of CO screwing happened to my friend, who was going to US for his summer interns.

CO: What are you going for?
Friend (F): I have got an offer for summer internship in Univ XYZ.
CO: WHat is the field of study?
F: DSP
CO: What is that?
F: Digital Signal Processing
CO: I have not heard about tht field. I need two months to review ur application, and get some idea about DSP.
F: But my internship is only for 2 months sir, after which my classes are going to start.
CO: The more u argue with me, the lesser chances of u getting a visa.
F: clueless, sad, comes back...

jedi said...

Will come up with my comments tomorrow.Dropping by to wish you a Happy Women's Day

silverine said...

@ifItellYa girl: Girl you made my flu infested day !! Thanks. Yeah, mind curry had better watch out now :)) So what did the HR say?
"are you alright dear or shall I find a replacement for you? :))
@Binoy: That was so cruel :((
@Nagu: So it is the FBI who bomb innocent citizens or is it only enemies of the State like me? lol
@Kusum: Girl you are spunky LOL Happy women's day to you too. Check out Bangalore Torpedos post on the same. Will make you proud to be a gal :) Their name is on my blogroll.
@Srijith: Tragic. Why do they keep such morons at the Visa counter? grrrrr
@jedi: Thank you Jedi, that was so sweet :)

Mind Curry said...

@ silverine and ifitellyagirl: i am basking in this reflected glory. while it lasts..ahh..life..
happy women's day girls!

@ geo - lol man..you are the best.

AF said...

lolzzz!!!..good one!
i remember when my brother's visa got rejected he was so upset..!
they had written 'perspective immigrant' on his passport!

quills said...

Yet another funny one!! :)) Girl, you rock!!

Happy Women's Day!

TheGayVirile said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
TheGayVirile said...

GOTCHA !!
hey, got a flaw in ur story...
when the OperatingSysstem is found dead then y does CO stil call NEXT?
the computer doesnt work right?From
next time be carefull,a pedant is visiting ur blog!!

gud one,u seriously seem have great humour in u.

silverine said...

@mindcurry: Thank you and what a lovely post you have written to commemorate the day!!
@AF: Maybe the CO has ESP to actually look into the future and surmise that your brother was a 'prospective immigrant' LOL
@Quills: Thank you girl and Happy Women's Day to you too :))
@thegayvirile(!!!): That was sheer force of habit dear, I think it is amply clear in this post that our CO was not a very bright indiviual :))

Lalit Singh said...

ROTFL... Keep them coming!!!

>|' ; '| said...

ROFLMAO
ROFLMAO
ROFLMAO
ROFLMAO

!!!!!!!

TheGayVirile said...

i guess "SILVERINE" know's what my name meant but still for those who are not familiar with "Oxymoron"
gay is cheerfull and virile is masculine, sexually attractive.. and as far as CO is concerned,its just the matter of COMMON SENSE..ok.thats it,u lose i win!!

Fleiger said...

Grrr... I tried to post first comment yesterday, but was 18th :(

Anyways, about the post: I was wondering why the CO did not ask Mr. Rao "Where are others?" his name is a teensy weensy bit long that a normal person's should be ;)

And, is this the same chemist/person who invented the concoctions described here?

Visa power, go get it!!!

Jagan said...

:-) .. the guy before me in the consulate interview had similar bad xperience . The lady at the counter asked him to leave his passport and the DD and she said that the Visa will be couriered to him in couple of days . This guy was so happy that when he turned back , he pumped his fist and said "yes" . the consular officer called him back and told him that he looked like a potential immigrant and she said she is rejecting his visa application and gave back his passport !!.

silverine said...

@gayvirile: Hey you missed so many other holes in this story. Did you think the 9/11 attackers actually got their Visa from New Delhi? And that O'Sammy actually shaved his beard? Does entering a 30 plus digit actually lead to the crash of the entire US Dept network which can lead to Air Force One making an emergency landing? LOL
@Aashik: Thank you dear, am feeling a lil better today! :)
@lalit and poison: Thanks for that vote of approval guys :)
@Fleiger:teensy weensy bit long LOL I have seen longer names :)
@Jagan: But that was so sad :( She should not have the gotten the poor guys hopes up!!

Browser said...

Latest News.
Dubya in a press conferance stated that Osama is now in India in the guise of a girl and is in Bangalore. She is working out against American and World interests by blogging under a name that starts with silver.... :-)

kornkob said...

attagirl silverine!!! and gayvirile missed out windows XP saying "lock kiya jaye" and "galath jawab" and many more....

thanks gayvirile for making me laugh hysterically on a very tough day. my cubicle mate thinks I need a vacation ROFL

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

Thanx ! Now i know what to expect ....

Maybe , i'll go dressed as Shoorpanakka ... she would have more of a success than a beauty queen !!!!

Poor poor poor scientist .... The ' Aiyyo ' was classic !!!

btw , am wondering , what happens to the Andhra guys ... really ???

TheGayVirile said...

@Silverine:so no more comments on oxy"moron" issue?

All the flaws u've mentioned are a part of making it more humorous.u would've got full marks to my question, if ur answer was something like "even that was an intended pun, din't u get it?"i dont believe this!!i won again and u...still a looser.(:P)

@kornkob:well windows doesnt ask quetions while it crashes,u dont even have a hint about it but it infuriates u only when u ask it to shutdown.

god!!u guys are making a pessimist out of a pedant!!

hope and love said...

i appeared for US visa once.. while my hubby was undergoing training at FAA. i was treated like dirt and rejected..
;(
that was in '92

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

:)

Fleiger said...

Longer than this? One person's name??? :o No comments...

Really, US visa process is more fickle than wickets and wives.

@Deepa: Dressing as Shurpanakha? Hmm... Before or after the nosecut?

Arti Honrao said...

Just like any other post [of yours]
TOOOO GOOOOD :D


GBU
Arti

Arti Honrao said...

Hey BTW, did you read the story? Likes it? ;;)
[U do not hv shout box so I hv to shout in ur comment section :D


GBU
Arti

Ganja Turtle said...

@binoy - you wouldnt have the phone no of the poor cute girl would u?

@silverine - ya, i know,the world is full of weird ganja laden men seeking poor cute girls ;-)

@mindcurry - never say die,man...as long as blogs and womens days and roses exists, us single men still have a chance! Go tiger!

Binoy, The One and Only said...

@ganja turtle

I wish I had!!! :-D

Shrutz said...

OMG =)) great one!

silverine said...

@browser: That infidel will pay for this!! I cannot even blog in peace because of these americans grrrrrrrr :))
@kornkob: :p
@gayvirile: Oxymoron, Pun...I am totally clueless to what you are trying to say. Guess I am not a pedant.. anyways thanks for your comments!
@Deepa: Aiyyo!!! You are right about the Shoorpanaka bit :))I conveninetly logged onto the Intranet and mixed and matched some names to come up with this one. To make it a representative of all the four states of south India I wanted to add a Kurien also, but then decided against it :)) The Telugus... God save them from the CO's :)
@HnL: That was so mean doc. They do know how to make you feel bad enough to take an airplane and crash it into the Embassy!!!
@Fleiger: LOL on that comment to Deepa :))
Thanks for the link,this guy is amazing!!!
@Arti: Thank you dear girl :)
@GT:Go get 'em tiger ;)
@Binoy: That was a neat save !! Now call her up before GT gets to her :))
@Shrutz:Thank you :)

ok girls we have another one here....Ganja Turtle...all yours, cute Visa rejects given first preference :p

Fleiger said...

Oh well, somebody had to ask her, can't let go the comment just like that.
Oh, and thanks for calling me amazing :D

Jim said...

Heh... computers that go "boink"? Bill Waterson, you have a true fan here! But then the bit about buffer overflows is probably true... The one I liked best was the shoe lace nuke :)

At the Chennai consulate, I actually had a good time... or so I told myself! Actually, it was more like Elmer Fudd on a hunting trip... but it was entertaining to watch all the hopeful dudes with the fake accents and new shoes. Until I got in line and the CO rejected five guys in a row... Nails worn down to stumps, I stepped up and he asked me "do you know why I rejected the last 5 guys?" Haha! The puddle must still be out there in the consulate...

jedi said...

AWESOME!!!!!
The O'Sammy episode had me rolling over.
I highly recommend the post to anyone and everyone who happen to be within 15 metres of the US consulate. And to all the Andhraites (no offense meant) with sur, sur-sur, and sur-sur-sur names. And to anyone who's having monday-morning blues, u know where to shed it - IIIIIIIIITS the Silverine Shine!!

Shiv Shankar said...

Funny ..Lot of creative comic talent has been ..brought out through blogs and your is one good example

silverine said...

@Fleiger: You are amazing :p
@Jim: Thank you! Guess fake accents and new shoes are not the right way to do it? :)
@Jedi: Thanks Jedi :))
@Shiv Shankar: Thank you for dropping by and your kind words :)

Ammo said...

"Scientist: Aiyyo." :)
Something good to read on a gloomy monday morning.

Hope this is a wake-up call for the GOI to fund these people than the not-so-important foreign visits.

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

heh heh !!!

it would have given the custom guys to see a name like :

Venkatachalpathaiah Muthueswaran Sivasubramanian KURIEN Rao.

@Fleiger : Without my nose , i wont be able to make ugly faces , na ? So will stick to before nose cut

sheetal said...

"check out this girl..so damn funny" was wat my fren said when he fowarded me ur link.. well silverine, cudnt agree with him more!

confession:ive checked out ur whole archive n by god! u made me laugh so much.

anyways as soon as i fig out how 2 use this bloody 'edit-me' links im addin u 2 my 'blogs i track' !!

Fleiger said...

@Silverine: Thank you again. May I know the reason for this sudden realization?

@Deepa: Right. Stick to the nose.

Anonymous said...

Good one young lady!

Shan

silverine said...

@Ammo: Thank you :)
@Deepa: I don't think another name would have done much damage :p
@Sheetal:Thank you girl, glad you enjoyed the archives :)
@Fleiger: Only a genius could point to such an amazing link :p
@Shan : Thank you Shan. Nice to see you here again :)

Fleiger said...

Hmmm... three times in three posts. Must start giving you some more links like this :)

Jeremy Ryan said...

harrr, indian humour. New to me, but likey nonetheless....

Usha said...

First time here..hey, that was damn hilarious! Good one!

silverine said...

Fleiger; More links welcome :)
@Jeremy: Hi Jeremy, thanks for dropping by :)
@Usha: Thank you Usha, hope to see you again :)

Vikram said...

Good one.

When I first went to Chennai consulate, it was like a fish market where people are whispering all over(comparing this with Calcutta, which seems like too calm) - an old gentleman, in suits, went to the interview
- That interviewer is shouting all over from the beginning. He is asking all kinds of things, from certificates to ids etc .. - to the previous candidates, and rejecting left-right and center.
- This old man is all prepared and answered all questions
- Final question, when are you coming back - in 6 months - the interviewer asked WHY??? - The old man is shocked - NO ANSWER from old man - All the 50 or so people in the room are laughing - Finally he got the visa, but still he still seemed shocked.

silverine said...

@Vikram: Poor old man, he seems genuine that's why they gave him the Visa :))