Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Bangalore Traffic Police Academy

I have heard so much about the much maligned Bangalore Traffic cop that I decided that it is high time someone took up for the fine men in White and Khaki. To begin with the Traffic Police Academy makes sure that they recruit the best available talent from the unpolluted halli’s and ooru’s around Bangalore. This ensures longevity and quality of service. After they are drafted into service these guys are given training for three whole weeks. The training period is divided into three trimesters and each cadet has to pass in all trimesters to be able to don his cap and uniform. I shall briefly take you through the three trimesters and the training syllabus.

First Trimester:

The cadets are made to stand in random order in the middle of not so busy roads like Guttahalli Road and Main Guard Cross Road etc. At the end of the day, the cadets who are still standing are returned to the barracks for a well deserved meal and the dead ones are sent back unceremoniously with a remark on their non performance in the discharge slip. The next step is slightly busier roads like OPH Road, Coles Road etc. The process of separating the men from the boys is repeated. For the final exam of the first trimester the cadets (the handful that is left) have to stand on Richmond Road, Victoria Road, Koramangala 100 Feet Road , Airport Road, etc during peak hours. By the end of the day the successful cadets are given a handshake by the Dean of Academics himself and considered passed.

Second Trimester

This trimester is important as the cadets are taught the basic and advanced courses in checking Licenses, Insurance, Breath Analyzing etc. etc. The first part of this trimester is sponsored by “Kool Guy Cooling Glasses Pvt. Ltd.” Yes the very people who supply those cool cooling glasses that make the Inspectors look so distinguished. The cooling glasses help the cops’ assess you without prejudice and decide on the ‘fine’, which the cadets are taught to take with their arms rigidly held to the sides with the palms turned upward. Cadets are also taught to shake hands while smoothly transferring the money from the offender to their palms. This training is carried out with real money. Of course due to the extensive syllabus the cadets never get to see a license or an insurance paper in training school.

The breath analyzer training is sponsored by Arracks Contractors Association. The olfactory nerves of the cadets are fine tuned during this session to detect the faintest traces of IMFL (Indian made foreign liquor, the branded stuff). By the end of this session the cadets are able to detect only IMFL vapors. The bottles of IMFL is then donated to the Dean of Academics for his own personal ‘refresher’ course.


Third Trimester

Training during the third trimester is held in special gas chambers donated by the Truck Owners Association, KSRTC and BMTC. The cadets have to sit in the special chambers where short burst of Sulphur Dioxide, Nitrous Dioxide and other noxious fumes especially collected from Bangalore roads are pumped in throughout the day. The quantity is gradually increased till their body is able to comfortably handle the toxic fumes. When they show a tolerance level of 92.56 mog/m per day they are declared ‘graduated’ from the academy!.

Due to the large number of ‘drop outs’ the Dean of Academics announced at a press conference today that they intend to increase the number of recruits per academic session. This is to ensure that higher number of good traffic policemen pass out of the academy and relieve the already overworked traffic policemen on Bangalore roads.

( I think you will all agree that we owe an apology to our well trained and hard working traffic cops after this enlightening article. By the way, the Dean of Academics informs me that apologies will be collected in cash and kind.)

25 comments:

Sinfully Pinstripe said...

Hilarious as usual.

Jake said...

guffaw!
such disdain. an example of a controlled and curdled reaction, instead of an immediate outburst.

flaashgordon said...

This was real hilarious! Its got the potential to be an email forward


Classic lines:

The bottles of IMFL is then donated to the Dean of Academics for his own personal ‘refresher’ course.

The cooling glasses help the cops’ assess you without prejudice and decide on the ‘fine’, which the cadets are taught to take with their arms rigidly held to the sides with the palms turned upward

************************
Btw u missed the part that "John Wayne Academy of Traffic Signal Cowboys" sponsor their Cowboy Hats.

well from the time ive been in mumbai, i get shivers when i see a traffic cop. Its coz i'm usually on my Kerala regn Bike with no papers for insurance, rc book, a working horn etc. So even if im in a rick when i see a cop i look the other way !

injinuity said...

The only way to churn out good recruits is to pay the poor buggers well..

I have a penchant for rash drving, I have never been booked even once, a 100 rupee note or a 500 rupee one depending on the severity of the action....

To minimise turnover and to keep them honest, increase their pay scale.

said...

Nice humor. Really our traffic police dept needs improvement. Sad that they can't keep up with our traffic ...

Ankur said...

one of your best

Adarsh A. Varghese said...

Really great! Wondeful! Hilarious! Exquisite! Marvellous! sorry, I cant think of any more adjectives righ now.

Matter of Choice said...

wow!

Praveen said...

Wondeful post, Silverine! I am envious that you know of this many roads in Bangalore, what and where is OPH road and Main Guard Cross Road?

scorpigle said...

zero cool!! looking fwd for such peachy stuff.

Jiby said...

adipoli...as always u evoke laughs...this time its the poor cops at the receiving end of ur caustic wit!i havent been to blore in a long time but friends say half their frustrations with working lives are a result of the trying workouts on bangalore roads.

Densel Mayor said...

very funny :).. brightened up my day :)....

Pradeep said...

Made really good reading...

Toji Leon said...

Thanks for the welcome message in my blog. (Sorry I couldn't find any other place to say thanks!) - toji

manuscrypts said...

and there are good perks on placement too ...

Jithu said...

:-)))

Naresh Krishnan said...

Touché

idli ideas said...

I have sent you a blank cheque Mr.Dean of Academics

Lost in trance... said...

"At the end of the day, the cadets who are still standing are returned to the barracks for a well deserved meal and the dead ones are sent back unceremoniously with a remark on their non performance in the discharge slip."

Now THAT's a line :)

M a D a N said...

gr8 sarcastic wit laced with irony..somebody save Bangalore, and Dean acads

>|' ; '| said...

=))

Amit said...

Lovely post!!

>|' ; '| said...

i have been to bangalore only a few times and i wholeheartedly hate the traffic there.poor old b'lore traffic cops. i can't even begin to imagine their plight.

jay menon said...

WIsh you a very happy B'day sweetypie....hope Y r enjoyin your Bday

Arjun said...

Finely tuned and acutely delivered. What catalyzed the tirade though?

Arjun