Much ado about nothing

Mumbai: News has just come in that Mah Rukh Kkkan, an Indian actor and superstar was held back for secondary investigations at an US airport. He was in transit to another US city. The immigration officer refused to buy the story that he was an Indian superstar. In a press statement the official said, “He looks nothing like a superstar. He is clearly lying!!”

Meanwhile news of his detention spread like wildfire and the film fraternity came out strongly in support of the actor.

Harinder Singh, who describes himself as “a very popular Indian actor” said “These Americans are such airheads!!! Any kid can give you the dirt on Mah Rukh. We need to make a big stink about this so that this is not repeated. What a bummer!”

Mr. Hail Kan another Indian actor who says that he will be the “next superstar” said “It’s not like Mah Rukh had any hardware on him! I do not think that officer had it all together!!”

“Pardon me if I am getting a little huffy” said Kriyanka Opra an Indian actress, “but Mah Rukh is an Indian superstar in India. Detaining him for questioning is ridiculous. GET REAL!!!!”

Reporters interviewing the stars were seen consulting the “The Complete Book of American Slang – Eighth Edition” before sending in their stories for publishing. They are hoping that the US authorities will not hold back prominent Indians in India in the US in future as it causes considerable delays in getting the story to the press. The Press Distrust of India met the US Ambassador in New Delhi and handed over a letter of protest in this regard in UK English. The Ambassador has promised to look into the matter as soon as he can get the letter translated into US English.

Meanwhile the Minister for Something Ms. Mookambika Tony has said that the situation calls for a ‘tit for tat’ treatment for Americans. The announcement has catapulted India into the 'Most Preferred Destination' for Americans in 2009. According to Brad Kelley, an American who is planning to visit India, “Tit for tat sounds great. But what is “tat’? Is it legal?”

“I am deeply hurt by this incident” said Dolly Dimple, a B grade actress “they should have not treated whatshisname the way they did!!” Rajesh Gumnaam another B Grade actor said that “My new movie Junglee Bhoot will be released soon and oh yes...I hope what happened to Hrithik Roshan does not happen again.”

Flop actor Jaani Singh said “I want to voice my protest over this incident and reassure my fans that I will make my 65th comeback soon” He was then seen chasing the reporter who refused to film his interview. Reporters were seen running helter-skelter in Mumbai as swarms of B Grade, C Grade and flop actors descended on them to give their quotes on the subject.

In the meantime, Ms Mookambika announced at a Press Conference today, that all Americans coming into India will now be questioned for two hours and then given one phone call before being released. As per government rules the phone connection used will be BSNL. As an after thought she said that the number of phone calls will be raised to 250 considering certain factors which she refused to elaborate on.

Meanwhile the minister has asked the immigration department to compile 120 objective questions of one minute duration for detention purposes. The questionnaire will be prepared by the Government Services Recruitment Board (GSRB) to detain Americans coming into India. Before this news went to press it has been reliably learned that the questionnaire is now available for Rs 2000 to Rs. 3000/- from your neighborhood LEQPP ^(R) (Leaked Examination Question Paper provider).

Meanwhile press and TV reporters covering the story have gone into hiding as every Indian actor and actress worth their salt have been haranguing them for airtime. Mr Zubin Newswallah, a harried reporter said that the Actorazzi were stalking him 24 hours of the day and he was being followed by helicopter borne actors if he stepped out of his house. Some Actorazzi are camping outside his house and some have even taken up positions on the tress outside his house. Another reporter on vacation had Actorazzi troubling him as he sunbathed with his family on the Kovalam beach. He was forced to cut short his vacation and get back to his now secured apartment in Mumbai. The reporters complain that it is highly stressful to live under the constant vigil of the stars. Some reporters, who just do not want to be harassed, found creative ways to hide their faces from the Actorazzi. Mr. Srinivas Srinivasan, a reporter with The Indian Mail, dressed up as the HINI flu virus to hoodwink the Actorazzi. According to him “The actors are now wary of me and keep their distance from me heh heh.” He plans to bring out a book on the subject soon.

As this news goes to press, this reporter has realized that she has wandered away from the main topic of this news release. Since she cannot remember what it was that she was writing about to begin with, she will go ahead and publish it anyway. Speaking to no one in particular she said “I hate Mondays!”