Gross connections

Mr. K.P.M.G. Nair (KPMGN in short), the contractor was an agitated man. Employees were not using the phones correctly he said and he was justifiably agitated.

“This is imbowssible” he fumed. ‘How difficult is it to masder a simble telephone!” he thundered.

Wiping the spittle spray from my face, I replied timidly “It is very simble indeed”

“Are you maging fun of me?” he asked belligerently.

“Imbossible” I exclaimed. “I would never do such a think”

“Hmm...you mind it!!! I know awl about you. You are the jawker of this ofis I know.”

“That was a hurtful thing to say…sob” I said with a pseudo heart broken look that works all the time.

“Ogay! Ogay! I yam sowree. But these peobles are getting on my nurves”

“Maybe I gan helb you err I mean, maybe I can help you” I said acting like I was thinging err thinking hard.

“Haow?” queried Nair

“I will make some posters exblaining err explaining the use of the phone in clear illustrations!”

“You dawnt know these peoble!” said Nair shaking his head. “They will gum and asg me to esplane the posters.”

“Trust me! I will ensure that it doesn’t happen!”

"Trust and you?? Lasd dime I trusted you I yended up in the pawleece station”

“Ahem…that was an accident”

“Widh you there are no accidents. Only incidents!”

“Mr. Nair, how about the posters!” I asked interjecting quickly.

“Very well. Bud if dey gum asging esplanations, I yam sending them to you!”

I got the posters done and they were put up in prominent places around the floor and conference rooms. That evening I got a call from Nair.

Anjalee what have you gone and wridden in the poster?
Nothing! We have used only illustrations!
We are getting full gross connections!!
Aiyyo…how?
That is what I yam asging you!

That night I tossed and turned in my bed. Horrible images of getting the illustrations mixed up and the resultant chaos and the accusing eyes of my colleagues haunted me. Next day I went early to the office and saw that the posters were perfectly done. I sat down wearily at my chair and picked up the phone to call home. My weariness vanished when I heard Mr. Nair’s recorded voice.

To talk – lifd phone up
To dial an Yes T D number, dial sero followed by your Phone Identity Number (PIN) followed by the Yes T D code of the city followed by the number.
To dial an ISD number, dial sero followed by your PIN followed by the coundry code followed by the phone number.
When you hear dial tone, say “Allo??”

Phone lines have jammed in the office with everyone very keen on learning to say “Allo??” Some people have even recorded the “Allo??” as their caller tune.

But the lines of communication are open again. All thangs to K.P.M.G.N!!

No offense meand err meant to anyone please!!