Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wanted - A Quantum of Solace

I saw a Quantum of Solace over the weekend. If I were to condense the movie, it would go like this:

M: Is he alive?
James Bond: Yes!
M: Well, that is unusual!
THE END!

That in very brief was a brief on the new Bond movie "Quantum of Solace"

You can meat up the above dialog with high speed metal crushing car chases, bone crushing foot chases, muscles ripping scaffold chases and ear drum piercing Dolby Surround Sound system all ending in Bond killing someone and the nerve wrecking picture is complete. And when you walk out of the theater your nerves short circuited, your hair standing on one end, you will need more than a quantum of solace for sitting through ‘Quantum of Solace’.

I was amongst the privileged many to be invited to the premiere of “Quantum of Solace" in Bangalore last Friday! In fact the whole theater was filled with such 'privileged' people. As a token of our appreciation for the free passes, some of us stayed back after the ‘Interval’. To the ingrates who left after the interval (thoughtfully provided half an hour before the movie ends) I have only this to say: I HATE YOU ALL!

People, who intend to watch this movie, may please leave this blog immediately or you may end up spending your money constructively on pirated DVD. So read on at your own risk!! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

If you had a stressful week like I had, then “Quantum of Solace” is not for you. It's like having a brain surgery after a root canal procedure and then going in for a voluntary amputation of a limb!

In the very first scene of the movie, you are brutally shoved into a fast moving car hurtling on a narrow mountain road with fast moving vehicles approaching from the other direction. The traffic on this road will make Bangalore roads hang their potholed heads in shame! And the speed of the traffic will make the Bangalore traffic coppers look at each other and say “Mommmy”. After which they will resolve to be nicer to us and bribe us a little less.

The high octane chase ends in another hemisphere of the Earth, and we have Bond parking his battered car now bereft of doors, roof and chassis and engine and retrieving a captive from the boot of his car. The captive is in remarkable condition, considering he has been lying in the boot trussed up without a seat belt. A lesser mortal would have leaked out through the car in liquid form after the pulverizing!

While the captive is being interrogated by MI5, a different drama was being played out in another place…behind my seat. It was a more thrilling and sinister drama than the one on the screen.

Kid in back seat: Mujhe Popcorn chahiye!!
Kids mom: Abhi nahin Munna. Papa aane ke baad.
Munna: *bawl*
Papa to Mom: Why don’t you give him something else?
Me: Yeah right! How about a duct tape around his mouth?
Mom: *Glare*
Papa to the someone on the phone: Haanji aapka consignment nikal gaya hai!
Munna: Shriieeekkkkk!!!!!!!!!

While ‘Munna was Shrieking’ (which would be a nice name for a Bond movie name btw) there is mayhem in the interrogation room as the captive escapes with the help of a mole! Bond takes off at supersonic speed after the mole….on foot… breaking the world record in the 100 meter dash and a few limbs and lots of roof tiles in the process. He catches up with him… after running over several roofs and jumping from building to building and swinging across scaffoldings like a modern day Tarzan to shoot him dead while suspended from the ceiling from one leg. But before the bullet finds his heart, the mole had already passed away …from laughing his guts out at the sight!

After this we have Bond suddenly taking off to Haiti and killing another guy, chumma just like that! The tension in the story is broken by some humongous dialogs like this.

M: *mumble*
Bond: *hrmphfxl*

The audience consisting mostly of corporates (read: techies) who had come geared up (read: drunk) to whistle, clap and roar were left whistling, clapping and roaring to the Trailer of Gajini and Dostana. Quite disconcerting actually to see young men roaring as a hunky John Abraham emerged out of water Bond like, wearing nothing but an attitude!

Soon we were engrossed in another high speed boat chase that has the beautiful Camille, hanging on for dear life from a boat that seems to take off to the blue yonder every two seconds to come crashing on the baddies boat every three seconds. Remarkably, she too survives the bone crushing, spirit ejecting ride and Bond leaves her to attend a party in Austria. The party is boring (read: no major chases and kills) and soon we have Bond flying to someplace in Chili on a very old airplane held together by staplers and safety pins and glue. He gallantly ignores the private Lear Jet also on hire in the deserted Chilean desert. The plane owner immediately calls up the baddies and tells them of the mad man who hired his junk. They pass out laughing. Kidding! They send an F 16 to shoot down Bond and he evades them with the dexterity of a sluggish sloth trying to evade a sinewy Leopard (remember, old plane). The cat fight in the sky totally puzzles everyone and more than a dozen orders for F 16 planes are canceled around the world. Kidding again! It was more than two dozen orders of F 16 actually!

Much to the relief of the Americans, the F 16 does manage to damage the old warhorse and it crashes billowing fat clouds of smoke and debris ( god bless its brave heart). You feel sad for the wretch thrust into such an unfair fight. Bond and Camille manage to jump ship and open the only parachute between them just before touchdown. They hit the earth with a resounding thud. Then they burn down a nice eco hotel in the middle of the desert.

Your misery ends when Bond finally catches up with his main target i.e his ex girl friends ex lover. He does not kill him as Bond finally decides to heed M’s request that “Bond, if you don’t go around killing every suspect, it would be deeply appreciated.”

Kidding again! He does not kill him as the fall from the airplane hurts real bad you see.

There were some entertaining parts to the movie though! Namely the scene that says - "The End"

40 comments:

confucius said...

Was planning to watch it this week... after reading your review, we are re considering it. We are planning to go and watch Malayalam movie Twenty20 ... just wanted to know what all the fuss is about...:)

Praveen said...

thank god I dint go 1st day..after reading such reviews from all around, am waiting for the dvd:D

and btw, heard tht the classic bond dialogue is not there..

bonda...choodulla bonda

Amey said...

That must have been some "stressful week"...

mathew said...

'There were some entertaining parts to the movie though! Namely the scene that says - "The End"';-D

Well every James needs to know there is someone in Bangalore called..


Silverine...Licensed to Review!!

Usha Pisharody said...

lol! Great reviewing.. my son saw it a couple of days ago, and said it was eminently missable.. lolzz!

Love the miniature movies in the theatre in between!

Bach said...

had just the same feeling after watching the movie on the releasing day.

though, what disappointed me the most was gadgets. none save a camera phone.

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

Awwww you destroyed the whole movie, had got tickets for tomorrow. High speed chases are always part and parcel of Bond movies. Only difference is that in earlier versions Bond would come out of the car after a chase with an impeccable and uncreased tux, while in the Daniel Craig movies they've completly removed the style of BOND........JAMES BOND out of the movie.

Hope they bring something better which satisfies you and me in the third installment atleast :)

Philip said...

bond is bond is bond. I watched casino royale in spite of the bad reviews and found that it was the best bond movie i'd ever seen. I'm definitely seeing QoS this sunday. Daniel Craig rocks as Bond.

PS: I've already booked tickets and I need to summon enough willpower to see the movie after reading reviews like this :(

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

LOL@I HATE YOU ALL :)

voluntary amputation of limb!

The cat fight in the sky totally puzzles everyone and more than a dozen orders for F 16 planes are canceled around the world. Kidding again! It was more than two dozen orders of F 16 actually!

ROFL@'Munna was Shrieking’ (which would be a nice name for a Bond movie name btw)

But before the bullet finds his heart, the mole had already passed away …from laughing his guts out at the sight!

Rahul said...

Hilarious!! Great review!!

silverine said...

Confucius, Praveen and Abhi: My brother and friends enjoyed it very much and said it was full paisa vasool for them. :) So maybe you should check it out. (psst they were also very drunk :|)

Amey: It was...sigh

mathew: lol! Good one!

Usha: I think the movie will be enjoyed by Bond movie fans. It is a genre of movie making in my humble opinion. :)

Bach: *whew* You make me feel so much better. I thought it was because I am a girl that I did not appreciate the movie. :)

Philip: I agree. Casino Royale was good. btw after I read the review of 'QOS' in Wikipedia, I feel I should have read it before the movie. Perhaps I would have appreciated it better.

Karthik: Spot on! :)Nice!

Rahul: Thank you! :)

--xh-- said...

hm.. good that i didnt waste my money on he movie.. the killer of a review... i will buy u a pack of kadalamutayi from a portion of money I saved by not watching this movie @ a cinema hall...

tessiewrites said...

hehe :)
great review... :)

Whats in a name? said...

First things first... it was an interesting review. Hats off!!!
But what else did you expect from a Bond movie.
Actually these kinds of movies are enjoyed best after four pegs(any movies seems good after four).
What about a romantic bond movie...on the lines of DDLJ?

Rada said...

I enjoyed Casino Royale very much and was looking forward to watching QoS. No, you did not ruin the movie for me. I had read similar reviews elsewhere as well!

Maybe now will try to catch it (if at all) when one of the movie channels start showing it! Sigh!

Still thinking said...

Lol! You've saved me great bucks, Merci!

Absolutely hilarious review, I loved it but sad that you had to go thru' this trauma. Please sleep over this nightmare dear :)
'It's like having a brain surgery after a root canal procedure and then having a voluntary amputation of a limb!' - I'm literally squirming reading this analogy, but what a great line! It said it all! :D

nish said...

Well, I watched it first day first show!! and to think i wasted the money!!! I understood the movie thru the blog better than actually while watching it! Can u beat that!

sandeep said...

totally hilarious. now i can watch the breathtaking chases in the movie and laugh out loudly remembering ur post :)

just when i started thinking that the last few posts were not upto the mark, u r back with a bang!

Scattered Thoughts... said...

thanks for saving hard earned bucks.. will better spend it on fuel and do some chases on my own :)

Rajesh Mohan said...

Adipoly Anjali, too good.

The Dame's Conned by James Bond.

Sriram said...

Ah thanks for the warnings! Was wondering whether to go for this one or something else tomorrow afternoon :)

PS: *hrmphfxl* is back! That was such an AWESOME post lol!!

Arslan said...

Is it ok to want to watch the movie even more after reading your review? :)

hammy said...

Granted, QoS wasn't as good as Casino Royale, and that some parts of the plot and action sequences were not up to the mark, but in an overall sense, I enjoyed the movie thoroughly.

The subplot revolving around the Quantum organization has been pretty intriguing.

This was an interesting read, though.

P.S. I am not sure if the movie did indeed feature the 'The End' sign in question.

The gun barrel scene has been moved to the end, sort of to denote that this is the beginning... I doubt if 'The End' would have been justified for QoS.

Naatukaaran said...

Absolutely hilarious!!! Stumbled on to ur blog from a link that is circulating in our Yahoo Group and haven't stopped reading since. Keep writing young lady!

rahul said...

f you had a stressful week like I had, then “Quantum of Solace” is not for you. It's like having a brain surgery after a root canal procedure and then having a voluntary amputation of a limb!...ROFLMAO

u saved me!!!

Abraham Menacherry said...

I intend to watch the movie.. I think I will like it due to very low expectations...:D

shail said...

Saw it last weekend too. And it sure is like "having a brain surgery after a root canal procedure and then having a voluntary amputation of a limb!." :P And yet weirdly enough, I enjoyed it!!

damsel in distress said...

hmm..everybody has different opinions...another blogger who blogged abt qos seemed to have liked it..

i don care,it was fun reading both ur blogs!!!!! but nevas, i guess i will opt for 20 twenty..(u dint want to knw tht,did u?)

gr8 post! as usual.

Winnie the poohi said...

Ah so many people have recommended you to me.. that I decided to check your blog today! and am i glad?

Thank you for many sniggers and chuckles!

media boy said...

sometimes i got the feeling that the movie was making fun of itself... every pane of glass Bond crosses has to break, he can't get a gallon of milk from the store without it turning into a chase scene, and every time he punches someone in the face, they die

Dreamcatcher said...

Hi Silverline,

wow.. review is cool... ha..ha.. esp .. u r comments and dolby effect..ha..ha..

How do we know said...

ha ha ha! Everyone has rubbished this movie.. but you are among the best rubbishers! :-)

Goofball said...

LOL!!!
awesome post.!
great blog!!
i read this post and then the next and then the next and then the next and so on...!! Its hilarious..
i was laughing so much all through that my peacefully sleeping roommate woke up and was alarmed to see me laughing hysterically at 1am at my computer screen!!!
i'm sure she thought i was possessed.!!
wonderful read. thank you. :)

Philip said...

I watched the movie and I loved it. Maybe even more than Casino Royale.

PS: There were no F16s in the movie ;)

Sashu... said...

lolzzzzzz!! a refreshing review!! me aint a bond fan, so am spared of the horrors so well described here!! enjoyed the read! :)

CJ said...

sounds like every other bond movie to me :D

Anonymous said...

I accidently went to poomanam.wordpress.com .. it seems to have the same content as your blog?

Is it your blog?I hope its not another plagiarized one :(

silverine said...

--XH--: Kadalamutayi? How generously of you! I am touched! *sob*
:p

tessiwrites: Thank you! :)

Whats in a name: Now you tell me!! Next time I go for a Bond movie, stoned! :|

Rada: Phew, glad I dint ruin it for you! :)

Still thinking: lol!! I am phully recovered now gal! And thanks!! :)

Nish: Thats a relief to hear. I did not want to dissuade anyone from seeing the movie you see! :)

sandeep: Thanks buddy! :)

scattered thoughts: LOL!!! Thats a totally cool alternative!! We have our own desi Bond! :p

Rajesh: Thank you so much! :)

Sriram: Thanks buddy. It take special people to understand that post! :)

Arslan: Its perfectly okay let me tell you. Even if you don't like it, you can tell your grandkids you sat thru the movie! :p

hammy: Your take on the movie at your blog was interesting.

naatukaaaran: Thank you! :)

Rahul: You are welcome buddy. Invest that money in a better movie! :)

Abraham: Awaiting your verdict! :)

Shail: I know! A lot of people who enjoyed it! :)

Damsel in distress: Thank gal! :)

Winnie the poohi: Thank you and welcome to my blog! :)

Media boy: Interesting observation!

dreamcatcher: Thanks buddy! :)

How do we know: lol!! That was a nice compliment!

Goofball: Thank you gal. Glad to see you here! :)

Philip: That sacrilege!! I dont mind you liking QoS. But saying that it is better then CR is blasphemy! grr
:)

Sashu: You are right. The movie is made for Bond fans! :)

CJ: lol!! I guess I was expecting too much when I thot this wud be different!

Anon: Thats my back up blog, in case Blogger disappears overnight! :)

Shikha said...

and there i was,ashamed to tell the world that i slept through a bond movie

Lash said...

i stand by the verdict.. I was forced to sit through the movie and that too after a long day at work... I was mad as a march hare after this!