The phone was ringing stridently. My mom approached it cautiously, looked at the Caller ID and motioned me to pick up the phone. Now this was bad news. Whenever she did this, it usually meant that some pesky 'Ungle' or 'Aundy' was calling. With a sigh I picked up the phone and an avalanche of conversation fell into my ears.
Aunt: “Hellooooooo. How are you, How is mummy, daddy, your brothers and the dogs and ......”
Me: They are all fine and so are the neighbors and their dogs.
Aunt: That is sooooooo nice.
Me (cutting in): So what do you want Aunty?
Aunt ( in her best fake sad voice): You know your cousin Sarah has just finished her B.Tech and has got a nice job in Trivandrum. We are looking for a ‘suitable boy’ for her.
Me: So?
Aunt (slyly): So...I heard you are doing your internship in an IT MNC...I am sure there are many suitable boys...maybe you could enquire?
Me: No way!!!! I am not running behind guys asking them to marry your daughter.
Aunt: * sob * you know how sick your uncle is?
Me: Yes...but he is attending Alcoholics Anonymous isn't he?
Aunt: And *sniff * you know about my knee problem...
Me: Aunty didn’t the doctor tell you to reduce your weight to 125 kgs?
Aunt: And your cousin brother Tojo is still in 10th std...
Me: Approximately how many years has he spent in 10th Std and approx how many buses do you think Tojo has burnt till now?
Aunt (proudly): Four!!! Ok dear I have to go now. I knew I could count on you, I will send Sarah’s details as soon as possible, Byeeeeeeeee
Me: but...but...
I realize I am speaking to no one in particular.
I know when I am suckered. This ‘aunt’ is related to us through a series of accidents. She is my moms cousin brother’s sister-in-laws neighbors dog’s owner who bit my mom’s cousin brother who then developed Rabies and bit the dog. Mallu networking is very 'komblicated' you see!
Next day I reached office rather early and after taking a good look around to see that no one was around, took down all the names of the unmarried males from my community in the office from the Intranet. I got 10 probables, all Engineers and apparently eligible. I entered their names in an Excel sheet and waited for the office gossip a.k.a Executive Secretary to VP Finance to arrive. She would have all the dirt on the ‘candidates’ plus some on their past lives too, besides she will also have the salaries of my targets down to the last decimal. Very nice. I give myself a mental pat for having the foresight to restrain myself from hitting her on the head with the keyboard when I found her reading my mails.
Miss Executive Secretary a.k.a. Swati strolls in an agonizing hour late takes a quick look at the list and gives me the low down.
Swati: Thomas? He is slightly cockeyed and drinks like a fish.
Me: What about Joseph?
Swati: Drinks like a whale.
Me: And Bobby?
Swati: Drinks like a Whale with an alcohol problem.
Me: How about Biju?
Swati: Will be kicked out soon for non performance.
Me: And Chacko?
Swati (lowering her voice): I heard he is married, but I am not sure. He denies it.
Me (in despair): What about Anil, Ronny and Tarun?
Swati: Anil has got a limp, Ronny has a wife and Tarun has a massive chip on his shoulders.
Evening as soon as I stepped foot into the house the phone rings. I pick up the phone resignedly.
Me: Yes Aunty, I have the information.
Aunt: That is sooooo sweet of you. So tell me did you get a good boy for my Sarah?
Me: No, all the guys in my office are married.
Aunt: What do you mean married? What about Thomas?
Me: er...how do you know about him?
Aunt: And what about Joseph?
Me: ummmm he is a very social guy I heard.
Aunt: And Bobby?
Me: Well...he is even more social...
Aunt (triumphantly): And Biju?
Me: He is er...leaving the job.
Aunt: To a better paying company, his mom told me! You are just jealous! You do not want my Sarah to be well settled. We like Biju. Nice boy and from a good family too. I am going ahead with the proposal.
Me: Aunty please listen....
Aunt slams down the receiver.
I am not invited to the wedding.
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95 comments:
Wokay, I'm in phirst. :P
Thoughts on the post, later......
hehehe...
really enjoyed this one :)
now how much of this is true? wait..lemme guess :))
could u plss give me the search string for getting the list of eligible bachelorettes (if thats the word!) from the intranet?
so the search for "A Suitable Boy" is finally over!!..hmmm...i recently did some similar snooping for one pesky lonng-unrelated ungle when his daughter got a proposal from a tech co!
To look back, you have come back a long way from ur PKC days...u have moved upto the next level... now ofcourse the podium awaits u SF
Cheerio
MoC
ROTFL!
One of my relations has already tried to bait me with a chance to find a "well employed" girl from my college for her son...:P
Ente daivame... this has happened to me so many times..
One of my friends at my previous job was looking for a groomfor her cousin. She liked a guy on my team and ask me to emquire if he is married? and if he is not was he interested and ask him his caste and all. I said no, I can introduce u guys. All the matchmaking we are expected to do...
And the great part is what uhave written in 100% true, abs no exageration.
Another classic silverine! I showed your latest post to my colleague as she wanted to know why I was grinning so much and now I look around and see she has a huge grin plastered on her face as well. :))
Lucky you, after all this, I wouldn;t have attended the wedding even if invited ;)
And about Mallu networking, Deshastha (my community) relations are about the same. I have cooked an entire meal while explaining how one person (unfortunately girl) was related to me .
Anyways, the post reminds me how some of my friends were lucky.
A fantastic post. Very neatly written and I really want you to send your entries for the Blooker prize next year( the date for this year is over, I think).
This serious, NOT JOKE.
@Anand: Thank you for the first comment :)
@Moc:After you my dear, besides I have to stand and fan Mr and Mrs MoC on the podium :p
@Rockus:Well employed girl from your college?? Unbelievable :)
@Thanu: You are right, introducing is all we can do, the rest should be followed up by the concerned parties.
@Alexis: Thank you :) But there is no avoiding these requests :( Me and brother have gone on several wild goose chases looking for 'that' IT company near that 'lake'. The lake turns out to be a ditch and the IT comapny turned out to be a seedy office. In fact we now know the back alleys of Bangalore by heart!!! :))
@Quills: Thank you girl :)
@Fleiger: Well.. I would have avoided the wedding anyways :)
@dreamslittle: Thank you :))
lol. what a post!! laughing throughout. hehe.
nice hunting, silverine :D
Hilarious(does it sound repetitive now? do lemme know)
//related to us through a series of accidents
//Drinks like a Whale with an alcohol problem
lols
i cant believe u actually made an excel of 'suitable boys'
HAHAHAHHA..lovedd that whale and fish thingie!
Now would the poor aunty know about Biju's 'problem':D
What a delightful read, Silverine!!
Wonder what result you would have got if you just hit "Sort" in Excel:O
:)
:)
Heh, good one!
For someone who loathes the concept so much, you sure went through a lot of trouble making an Excel sheet and everything... :)
I am not invited to the wedding.
Problem solved, na? :)
Hey, nice post as always.
sometimes I wonder why some parents think completing a degree and landing up in a job should be followed by a marriage. I am happy my parents let me free for a couple of years,before taking up the "hunting responsibility"
Btw, I think I should be contacting you with my Bio and Requirement specs.
ah ..so unfortunate tht u dont know tamil ..bcos there is a very "flattering" term for the "social service" (read as matrimonial service )you just did :-)
ROTFL!!!
good one! vat yay beyutiful posht!
haha..awesome girl..just awesome..
man, i really cannot understand the whole marriage process in kerala (not sure if it happens only in kerala or its the same in india). its a mostly messed up, usually silly and always complicated process i have seen. and i keep wondering why..i am trying to figure out why people want to marry like this. hihi..finally i think its all about power..in a different sense and plane.
ten on ten for this post!
good sense of humor but extremely poor sense of purpose or rather sincere wish to change anything i mayb wrong
@rocksea: Thanks rocksea :)
@lalit: I did make a neat file with the names because they were scattered into depts. on the Intranet :)
@ROS: Thank you girl. Nice to see you here. Aunty was unfortunately in a great hurry to snare the catch :))
@Sridhar: :)
@Jim: Going to the wedding is not the problem :)It's the pre marital snooping that I am entrusted with that bothers me :)
@Anita: Please spare me the pain of Bio scanning and requirement specs :))
@Jagan: And I don't want to know the 'flattering' term :p
@Ladyparadox: Thank you girl :))
@mindcurry: Thank you :) Remember 'sense of literature' ? Well it seems now I have "extremely poor sense of purpose or rather sincere wish to change anything" Prolly true ;) ROFL
@sreehari: Thank you for dropping by.
@aashik: he he so you want 'suitable gerl'? LOL Give me the specs, after all that's what friends are for :p But dont blame me as Alexis pointed out if it flops :))
@Lash: Now you tell me :P
hey.. great blog...
follow my advice n stay single... there's nothin better than being a free bird! :)
haha..i just burst out laughing..i did laugh reading the prolly true comment earlier too. man..you are really getting a lot of useful tips for life. you are one lucky gal!
but its natural..it must be prolly true when someone said "with great powers come great responsibility"
its almost 1 am..and i am laughing like a hyena..hahaha..thanks silverine:) u are a class apart!!
hey cool post .. u probably touched a sore point ther .. my relatives left no stone unturned on the 2 very special days of my twin sister's wedding - sangeet and marriage .. killing atleast 5 % of my elation .. speculating when i will get married .. whether it will be love or arranged .how many boyfrineds i had hidden away ..prodding me dont u have ane1 ..DONT LIE ,.,.acually ther were these 5-6 aunts surroundin me while i was gettin mendhi put on my hand..jabbering away ..not understnding when i wanted to be left alone ..atlast i had to say something .. and i told them off ..by sayin that i dont have a marriage line in my hand and ( this i didnt say ) will u stop spoilin one of the best days of my life .. my twinnie's weddin and all i wanted to do wht i loved best dance .. which i did a lot ..
aneways great post .. we want more of such sarcastic and humourous stuff ..and please pick on relatives they are my pet hate ..
hi silverine..well its after a very looooong..time. th i peeped into ur blog..(damn exams)...n dere i had one helluva time laughing..n its true ,v mallus got one broad network in play ....
yo...missed so many of ur posts but today i've taken time off and read a few and i havent stopped laughing... there's this joke among my pals... once a close friend of mine had a wedding proposal coming for his sister and his dad wanted to know our opinion of the prospective groom who was our senior and since none of us had even heard of the guy, the uncle concluded the groom must be a nice, studious guy and not at all notorious in school or college!!!
keep us all laughing silverine...the way u write is a special ability... i have tried to be satirical many-a-time but failed. ever thought of bringing out a published collection of all ur posts...am sure it wud sell well! i counted as many as 5 of my schoolmates leaving comments for u here!
pavam u. :)
Hilarious post. Really enjoyed this one :)
@aashik: "'Suitable Gerls' names and qualities" ? Now that's a tall order :p
@Binu the mallu ninan: Hi, quite true about singlehood but do you think the aunties are listening? :)
@mindcurry: Lots of tips, that should make me a passable writer I think. And "with great powers come great responsibility". Now where did that come from? :))
@Dewaker: Thank you dear :)
@Shruthi: These aunties take the joy out of weddings don't they? It's so irritating to hear that 'you are next' brrrrrrr
@dawngirl: Hi there :) Hope you did your exams well!
@lostintrance: Yes very very pavam me :(
@Vikram: Thanks buddy!!
@Jiby: My favorite blogger resurfaces. It is such a pleasant surprise to see your comments on my blog. Nothing can beat that. Thanks Jiby for taking the time out of your busy schedule to read and comment. *hugs*
Talking about manhunt, there was this time when *even* I was considered fair game for the groom list (before the parents with eligible daughters became wiser). This Kaaranavar(i.e big guy in the gal's family) and the mandatory Fixer comes to meet my Dad n Mom with their proposal... after the target, i.e Me, was "attested" by a mysterious person who knew me through college(Just lemme get my hands on him/her. There will be a new definition of pain, misery and sorrow..).
Dad and Mom are positively shocked 'coz they think I am still 13 months old.... and still talks to me in baby language. Now this was Holiday time right after final sem exams and the game Praetorians had just been released.... I was hooked instantly and was playing it 24/7. The old guy asked my dad, "Can we meet the boy, you know, just casually....discreetly?". Dad, still in shell-shock mirroring the French survivors of Somme and Verdun, replied in a deadpan voice-"Varan akatthu computer-game kalichukondrikkuva!"
There has been no further proposals to date.
You have written about your colleague’s drinking habit as if drinking is a sin. May be YOU don’t know, but these days, even Bangalore girls down 2 M2S trolley full of liquor on any given Friday :_))
One more thing about Mallus that needs to be brought up. I've done my share of spying / checking up(?) only to be told at the end that they are related. Seems like everybody in Kerala is distinctly related - and it needn't be through dog bites. :-)
enjoyed ur extremely humorous post.. catching up with ur previuos one. used office intranet to catch hold of elgible ones??now, u give people ideas :-))
hahah..Nice one..!!
@Anand K:LOL you really had people stalking you as a proposed groom ? Wow!!! You must be some catch :p And your Dad's reply was classic ROFL :))
p.s. did you ever find the friend who 'attested' you? :))
@Geo: Dinking like a fish is def a bad habit to look out for in a prospective groom:) And the Bangalore girls who bought 2 M2S trolleys had no choice but to buy big bottles as miniatures were not available. And a lot of that liqor is sill lying unused :))
@Browser: That's true. All you need to do is say the 'veetu peru' and the connection will be made faster than a blink of an eye :)
@flyawaymind: Thank you girl. Stick around and you will learn more such tricks and tips ;)
@Shiv: Thank you :)
lol..that was actually from "spiderman".
well as silverine becomes more famous as an author (with mind curry's management ofcourse)and a global brand, it is natural that, with the glory, there will be scandals and allegations and ownerships and fist-fights and mud-slinging and..
you get the idea.
Prime catch? Dankeschön, Fräulein Silverine!
Howewer, it zeems you have a talent for unterstatement... for I am nuthing lezz than ze Gott's greatest gift to ze womankind :P
----
No, I never found out who the snitch was. The fixer died of cardiac arrest during interrogation.... (Sighhh, I shouldn't have started with the blowtorch.)
:)))))
gotcha this time !
i knew u were doing smthg big time to get that sys ad mad ... was biju the sys ad by any chance ? wouldnt be surprised if he was !!!!!
Hilarious.. !!!
"You are just jealous! You do not want my Sarah to be well settled."
so tell us.. are you really jealous of Sarah.. lol..
ha..! ha..! ha..!
loved the post.
*hugs*
ha..! ha..! ha..!
loved the post.
*hugs*
Instead of Excel, one effective technique would have been to send mail on company's bulletin board type thing. We used to get a lot of "Wanted - alive and employed" kinds of mails from either side of deal.
nice one..
people.........................
hmm...nosy relatives n neighbours r the prime thing which prevent me from going home..sigh!!!!
Hey nice one. You did it once again ;-)) The situation that prevails in every home !!!!
hehee funny
:)) . Nice one on pre martial snooping . So with gals like you around Mallu guys have to take care , Is it?
Good Post , By the way!
simbly brilliant ^^
Though on a side note ur aunt would be hard pressed to find someone not 'social' I know perhaps only 2 such Mallu boys :P out of about a gazillion others
hahahaahahaahahaaa
had each and every mallu follicle (and my non mallu parts too) in my body dying with laughter!
Great writing, & poor sarah!
@Aashik: I looked high and low and in between but no suitable gerl was found. You were too good for the girls I found :p
@mindcurry: scandals and allegations and ownerships and fist-fights and mud-slinging Can I retire? :)) LOL
@Anand K:You are THE man Anand. I am absolutely sure that you are ze Gott's greatest gift to ze womankind :)) And ROFL on 'blowtorch'
@Deepa: No Biju is not the Sysad, thank God or who will look after our Network after he is kicked out :))
@tamilponnu: Thank you dear :) Yes, I am absolutely jealous of the wonderful guy netted by Sarah :p
@HnL: Thank you dear doc :)
@Fleiger: Believe me we do get notices like these on our bulletin board. Some of them are so creative that HR sends congratulatory mails saying " If we come to know who put up that printout, he/she will be sacked immediately" lol
@Sujith: Thank you Sujith :)
@Poison: People..tsk tsk
@Ursjina:nosy relatives n neighbours Ugh Ugh!
@gladtometin: Thank you ! There is no escape I guess for anyone :)
@Vibha: Thank you Vibha :)
@Li: I am a very reluctant snooper, but then I do a good job too, so I guess you better be careful. But then again I am sure we better be careful of you too. brrr I think we all should be careful of each other as all of us are potential snoopers :p
@Jeet: ha ha well said about the 'social' part. We mallus are very 'social' :))
@1.4mallu3/4charming: What a cool name!!!! Thank you :) And... ahem what are the non mallu parts ? :))
@ silverine - no you cant retire..you retire only when you are hurt right.
:) lol.
@ jina - no no..thats not the way it should be done. go home and put them in place. dont stop living your life coz of these irritants.
Gurl, I write so much on my blog but when it comes to commenting on ur post I am at los of words :)
Even this time I came here around the time wen me n joy [not d name of some guy] were miles apart and now we r huggin each other
Lovely write, am emailing it to frens :)
GBU
Arti
hahaha..where is Biju now? any idea?? You r to guudd
Oh, I was thinking of email bulletin board like we had at our company. That made it very easy to track who sent what mail ;)
And what is this talk of retiring? Is that why you changed the template? Nice one though. I don't know why but I find black background slightly irritating when we browse multiple sites.
@mindcurry: You painted a really bleary picture of mud slinging and fist fighting he he :))
@Arti: You made my day girl with that comment :)
@Binoy: Aunties have this in built radar that homes in on eligible guys in a jiffy. Sometimes I am surprised at the info aunties like her have on guys in my office. Never underestimate aunties :)) And the drinking like a fish thingie can be noticed at any team party :))
@Tony: Thank you :) Biju must be busy sending out resume's. I used him as an analogy here.
@aashik: LOL
@Fleiger: Our employee notice board is an interesting place where anyone can put up any notice anonymously. Sort of a letting off steam exercise :))About retiring...that was a joke :) I was also fed up of the black background, and Leon was kind enough to change it for me icons and all. So viola!!!New template :))
a good one!!!!!!
black or white?
couldnt believe my eyes for a while.
LoL and you wonder why you weren't invited for the wedding eh ? *eyeroll*
Wow... what a concept! I would have really liked something like that sometimes. For blowing steam boiler. (Apna pressure cooker se kuch hota nahi hai)
Nice template, but a bit barren ;) you know what I mean.
The new look is pretty cool -- easy on the eyes.
@crossblade: Thank you!!
@mindcurry:Even I have to get used to this template. I've had this template for a year now.
@Ashish:I should thank her for the small mercies I guess lol
@Fleiger: The Eagle has changed it's roost I see :) Let's see if I can fill up the barren landscape with my fertile imagination :))
@mahouth: Thank you :)
I love ur template. it is lot easier to read black on white than white on black.
hehehe, good one and usual very hilarious. nice,new look to the site, i must say :), havent been here for some time.
* Ding !! *
Whatz this ? Change of template ... but why ???
Hey, thanks for changing the template. This is very easy on the eye :)
Template - you changed it?????
Hadn't noticed till I read the comments - typical guy behavior eh?
I liked the previous template though.... those dark colors appeal to my borderline sociopathic psyche.
Oh no..
u whitewashed the site...
:(
kaakka kulichaal kokkaavilla ;)
#000 => #111
?
@Poison: ;_))
@thanu: I like it too :)
@Praveen: Where have you been absconding? :)
@Deepa: Got fed up dear of the black!
@Kusum: Thanks girl!
@Ammo: I have a legion of such aunts and ungles *sigh*
@Browser: Typical guy behaviour lol
@Anand: I had this template for far too long now :)
@Poison: True, but then it is better to be a clean kaaka than a dirty kokku :))
@Geo: Is this some kind of color code?
oh!...
u outsourced all the labor to poor Alexis, didnt ya?
Dropped by here after quite some time ...and boy u havent lost the touch for sure ....:-))
Of course, the eagle has to move around once in a while to survey his kingdom :)
Fill it up... Worst case, start putting "Wanted" ads. I guess you are getting enough material for that.
well, any chance of getting a girl frm ur office fr me? the criteria are she shud b ... ... ... ... she also has to have ... ... ... ... i'm sure u can do this small favor for me :p
ROTFL!!!!!
@Geo: All the work is kind courtesy Leon
@Fleiger: Ah I forgot about the Eagle's kingdom :)
@Jithu: tsk tsk You have just got out of the institute. Get settled in your job and then we will see :))
@Amitabha: Nice to see you back. Thank you for the kind words. Hope you are enjoying blogging.
@Pritz: Thanks girl :)
How can you forget that?
And what about my suggestion?
oh ..... but am so used to seeing u with black , that a white makes so much of a contrast
hmm..wht did u do to ur page ?
You hit right on the button, Silvy! Hilarious, and truly lovely... Serve more please :-)
(Yes, I'm back, alive)
:O so do u have a chacko in your office [:O]
:)
@Fleiger: Suggestion is good but not worth the trouble :)
@Deepa:I know dear, but it is time for a change, especially since I am nearing a year in blogging :)
@Jagan; I just changed the template !
@Josh: Welcome back! Nice to see you again :)
@Monu: Yes we do have a Chacko in our office. I am sure there is one in every office :))
This one is too good...
I like the fact that you changed the blog template - looks very refreshing...
This ‘aunt’ is related to us through a series of accidents. lol lol lol
you know,these things are not funny anymore, I have been arguments with my thandapodi for the last 2 months regarding similar issues and when I read yours, I just wanted to run away, trust me when I tell you that it ain't easier for guys either...
@tcr_79: Thank you :) I had the black template for a year now and it was time for a change.
@Srinivas: LOL that's mallu networking for you :))
@injinuity: Since there are so many mallus in Bangalore, the onus of snooping lands on our heads. And when it is a sensitive subject like marriage we just cant say no :)
im stunned!!!!!ur very good at thz...i feel like a novice here..awesome...no other words!!!!!!!
@vinay:Thanks :)
@Supremus: that is the infamous mallu networking :))
Immensely hilarious!!! LOL @ "drinks like a whale with an alcohol problem" :))))
I know you would have heard this a million times already - Great writing!!
@bobin james: Thanks for droping by. About drinking like a whale, guess we mallus enjoy our drinks a lil more than the rest of the country :))
Mallu relations. You explained it very well..
Gosh this is a treasure house of posts on arranged marriages!!
Hi, till now i never thought Biju was such a common name. I allways fought with my cousin sis for recomending that name for me to my parents
BTW liked your blog and ur style of writing.. long way to go...!! ATVB
Biju Thomas
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