Friday, December 29, 2006


In a large IT company like mine, every requirement from a pin to an airline ticket is designated to various departments. The people working in these departments are adept at avoiding us and when we do spot one of their ilks, we tend to make sure that we make maximum use of the opportunity and pour out all our complaints and requirements. Most of the time the only place where you can spot these people is near the restrooms.

Lady: Hi Robert, haven’t seen you in ages
Robert (hurrying towards the toilet): He he yeah I have been busy, now if you will excuse me....
Lady: Robert you still haven’t got me a new Calculator!!
Robert: Sure Sure I will send it right away now if you will please excuse me...
Lady: And also my soft board needs to be replaced
Robert (jumping lightly): lady please put all this in a mail.... I must rush now
Lady (pouting): I have mailed you several times!! Robert you are always avoiding me!
Robert (crossing his legs in pain): Hnnnnnnn aargh...
Lady: And my car dangler is in tatters.
Robert: *groan* please contact Security for that...please lady I gotta go
Lady: Where are you off to?
Robert: umm mmm errr
Lady: And there was no water bottle on my desk today...
Robert (in great pain): lady you got to contact housekeeping for that....speaking of water *groan* I am sorry but I gotta gooooo (runs towards the toilet)
Lady: What a rude man!!!

I could have put Robert out of his misery but then it was kinda nice to watch him squirm, specially since there are about 560 mails of mine rotting in his inbox for a box of paper clips.

p.s it was me who told the lady, a fairly new employee, that Robert would help her with the Car Danglers and Water Bottle.

p.p.s and it was me who called the lady and told her that I had spotted Robert heading towards the rest room.

What a nice way to end my last working day of the year! The year ahead looks very promising indeed!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Good tidings!!

Hola peoples!!! Hope you all had a joyous Christmas. I bring tidings of great joy for consumers this winter what with the PC Manufacturers and Computer Stores Association announcing massive celebratory discounts this season. Consumers are going to be spoilt for choice this winter. You will be running hither and thither and from one shop to another trying to make up your mind. Go get ‘em tigers and get home that perfect machine to make your computing experience more pleasurable.

According to a Press Release by the Association, the HP Pavilion 735243558686 TWINKLETWINKLELITTLESTAR3456 is selling like hot cakes this winter. Yet another pleasant surprise awaits the consumers this winter when the Lenovo 4563483 ONETWOBUCKLEMYSHOE 00567 hits the shelves at massive discounted rates. Of course if you were to consider the HP Pavilion 235000 GEORGIEPODGYPUDDINGNPIE 2345 you will notice that it has better features and even better options of spending monies on enhancements. But my personal favourite is the IBM 45627389585 THREEFOURSHUTTHEDOOR00001 that is supposed to be superior to HP Pavilion 235 MARYHADALITTLELAMB2345 and Lenovo 4563483 OWATADAMPSQUIB900 though not as advanced that the Compaq 1111111000000 OWATACRAP PC. It has a multimedia keyboard and a wireless mouse 57684949 RATPOSION007 though there is an option of choosing between a 57684949 JERRYMOUSE0054637 or a 57684949 MICKYMOUSEN1111 for a nominal charge.

The Dell Inspiron Notebook JACKNJILLWENTUPTHEHILL E1705 is a good buy this season, though it’s latest versions TOFETCHAPAILOFWATER E1720 and GODKNOWSWHATTHEYDIDUPTHERE E1721 and THEYCAMEDOWNWITHADAUGHTER E1722 gives you instants savings. Besides this offer is combined with a FREE head massage!

Keyboards have also gone hitech this year. The Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard Wireless Optical RIDINGDIRTY456373828 and the Microsoft Optical Desktop Elite for Bluetooth WHITENNERDY777723 are sure fire winners with consumers this year what with the heavy discounts the company is offering for the season.

And there is more good news for computers buyers this winter. Consumers who are planning on buying TFT monitors, rejoice!!!! The choice available for sale this year will leave you shaking your head in disbelief!! The 17 inch 567777 HITHERETOBREAKGLASS64546 delivers great features at very reasonable rates though you could go for the 18 inch 13333 FRAGILEGLASSTHISSIDEUP64546 at no extra cost. The features are almost the same except that the 18 inch 13333 FRAGILEGLASSTHISSIDEUP64546 is slightly more complicated to remember and hence the price has been kept the same as the17 inch 567777 HITHERETOBREAKGLASS64546 . The latest buzz in the TFT monitor scene is the 22 inch 13333xivvv DRIVEINCINEMA64546!!! This comes in a choice of four colors, gray, dull gray, duller grey and dullest grey. Besides consumers who remember it’s name and number when the warranty Period is over, will be given a free holiday to Goa.

Oh yes, in order to speed up sales and deal with the rush consumers are advised to state the EXACT details of the items that they are buying.

For example if you are buying the LENOVO THINKPAD then please specify all details like the alphabets and numbers correctly to the salespeople for example:

1. THINKPAD 567000956 FLATSTOMACH9000xxx
2. THINKPAD 22222272X WASHBOARDABS9000iillx

The Association warns that they will not be held responsible if you order a PC or a peripheral etc. and are delivered a Hummer. Please note in case of such a transaction you will have to pay up the excess price for the Hummer, Drain Pipe Cleaner, Commode Brush, Antiaircraft Missiles, Rottweiler, AIRBUS A380 or any other item that gets delivered to your doorstep due to the errors in your orders that you are solely responsible for. Delivery charges extra. In some countries, items like Antiaircraft Missiles may be prohibited, in which case you will have to pay for storage and godown charges. The Association will keep the said item for approximately 90 days after which it will be auctioned off to the highest bidder in the Kashmir valley.

Happy shopping everyone!!!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas!

My Christmas Wish For You

My Christmas wish for you, my friends
Is not a simple one
For I wish you hope and joy and peace
Days filled with warmth and sun

I wish you love and friendship too
Throughout the coming year
Lots of laughter and happiness
To fill your world with cheer

May you count your blessings, one by one
And when totaled by the lot
May you find all you've been given
To be more than what you sought

May your journeys be short, your burdens light
May your spirit never grow old
May all your clouds have silver linings
And your rainbows pots of gold

I wish this all and so much more
May all your dreams come true
May you have a Merry Christmas friends
And a happy New Year, too ..

I wish you a Merry Christmas :)

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Going once, going twice...hey where are you all going?

Yesterday I picked up a nice T Shirt for my second brother with a caption in red and black embroidery in front. Shopping for him is easy; just pick up something in black and you are done. And since this “always well dressed” gentleman has never bought a single piece of clothing himself in his life and the onus of shopping for him rests with my mom and me, I was sure that a small change in his diet of black , black and more black, would do a world of good for all of us living with him.

Now, change must be handled gently and in small doses especially if it is my second brother. For example if you were to pick up a yellow T-shirt for him, be sure to see the subject go into fatal shock and recover just as quickly to screech in indignation till he is black and blue in the face.( this particular shade of blue is allowed).

On the other hand if you were to pick up a T-shirt with a teensy weensy microscopic bit of yellow somewhere on the T-Shirt like at the back, he would accept it because he cannot see it. You of course will call his friends and plead that they don’t make remarks like “macha what is that sunflower doing on your back” because that will make the said subject undress faster than Mallika Sharawath, beg borrow or steal a black shirt from somewhere and come home fuming to commit sistericide or mothericide, depending on who bought the T shirt.

Of course it doesn’t matter to His Royal Highness (henceforth referred to as HRH) that we battled hours of traffic jam and tiring browsing through umpteen shops to come up with a black shirt that doesn’t look like the 6545 ones he already has. (Unlike normal boy babies whose first words are ‘Harley Davidson’ my brother’s first words were ‘black’. Much to the relief of my parents his second words was ‘Harley Davidson’)

Anyways his HRH took one look at the T Shirt and screeched “Oh my God, it’s pink!!!!!” followed by exaggerated gagging noises which I ignored with practiced ease. I looked closely at the red thread…it was indeed red. I showed it to everyone in the house and everybody agreed that it was indeed red. But HRH refused to even look at the T Shirt. My mom gave me an exasperated look that said, “Why do you even bother!” and walked away muttering.

Now why do I bother dear fellow blogger’s? Because if I don’t, then this supremely fashion conscious being will go and buy clothes for himself!!! And that my dear peoples would be a catastrophe of enormous proportions. Last time he shopped for clothes, our phone lines were jammed with people calling us up exclaiming, “That guy in the blood red shirt is your brother/son no? I swear it is him!!! Oh my god he looks awful!!!! Why don’t you people do something!!! You can’t have him roaming the streets looking like that!!!”

So you see, we are well and truly stuck and he knows that. I resignedly took the T shirt back to the shop. But I was too late because exchanges were allowed only within 24 hours of sale. That is 800 bucks down the drain. And so peoples, in order to get my money back I am holding an auction. The item for auction is my brother MP. All eligible girls can take part in this auction. The said item though very stubborn is in good condition and once sold will be delivered bound and gagged by me and my mom to the gals’ house. After which it is your responsibility to see that he stays put. Any attempts by Subject to get back home will be futile because we would have shifted house by then.

Some features of the Subject on auction:

1. Extremely short sighted: You will have to hold up his shirt, Mobile, laptop etc in front of his eye at a comfortable viewing level in order for him to notice it. Failing which you will be accused of deliberately hiding aforementioned objects so that he is late to work.
2. Selective Deafness: Subject hears only what he wants to hear.
3. Selective Blindness: Subject sees only what he wants to see.
4. Food connoisseur: All meals should be freshly made and at no point of time should the menu be repeated unless specifically ordered by HRH.
5. Food = Meat
6. Subject doesn’t drink water unless prescribed by a doctor in a prescription pad and or under threat of IV transfusion.
7. Neighbors will throw trash bags inside his room since it looks like the municipal garbage dump. Clothes moved from the clothes heap in his room will be immediately noticed even if it has moved only an inch in the heap. GPS should be used to navigate Subject’s room. We shall not be held responsible if you lose your way and your remains are not found even after a couple of years.
8. Unless specified, that mud caked T shirt is not dirty and hence will not be put to wash.
9. On the other hand if that mud caked T Shirt is not clean when he needs it, then you better disappear till he cools down.
10. He will not lend shaving stuff for fear of AIDS but if he has forgotten to buy his own then he will generously borrow from the other two men in the family. You will have to sterilize the items and carefully put it back to avoid fratricide.
11. Socks will never be put for wash in pairs though he expects them to come back from wash in pairs.
12. Music will play full volume in his headphone and speakers and the surround sound system. You may shift into a temporary accommodation while the music is on.
13. Be prepared to have your perfumes used to clean his music system and shampoo to clean his shoes. Only the best will do for his beloved music system and shoes. Oh yes, make sure you buy the best towels money can buy for yourself. Subject likes to use the best for cleaning his bike. You can always wash it and reuse it. Don’t be so fussy!
14. Be prepared to see your cosmetic creams disappear alarmingly fast though Subject will rather die than admit that he borrows your Garnier Body Cocoon.
15. Subject is king of all he surveys and is too used to child labor in the form of a sister and bonded labor in the form of a mother. You will double in as both.
16. All the friends of the subjects are like him and live in the house with him. Their parents are either glad to get rid of them or don’t want them back. You will know why, very soon.
17. On weekends subject and friends will play lot of cricket and football and drink lot of beer. That does not mean you get a break. Who will carry the beer at pre ordained intervals at a specified temperature in a carefully calculated time period from the house to the adjacent ground so that it arrives at the right temperature at the ground?
18. Subject has umpteen female admirers so be prepared to have random girls smile at you and try and act extremely friendly. Don’t be under the mistaken impression that you are extremely popular or irresistibly cute.
19. Subject has friends’ allover town. So be prepared to get an SMS just as you are walking by KFC that says “I need two Zinger burgers, large fries and a coke and my clothes from the dry cleaner next door” and another SMS when you pass by Imperial “One full chicken kabab and 20 Kerala porottas and make it fast!!!”
20. If you are an unmarried gal in her mid twenties and have reached till this point then we consider this item “SOLD” to you. Please let us know where we should deliver. No protests allowed after sale.