Saturday, May 06, 2006

Operation Eye Balls

After a real nice vacation I think you will all agree that the last thing you want to see in your mail box are spam and mails stripped of malicious attachments! I spent nearly an hour sorting through genuine mails and deleting mails carrying these er...works-of-art. (a.k.a. Virus/Worms/Trojans/Spam.) That is a good hour of billed time I wasted. For God’s sake all you spammers and malicious programmers don’t you have a life? Maybe a girlfriend/boyfriend or a pimple that you wanna squeeze and burst? I guess not... seeing how busy you have been spamming me 24/7.

By now I have wised up and delete all mails with corny subjects like these...

I love you (but the feeling is not mutual dahling)
S**y picture (thanks for pointing it out, else I would have framed and hung it up)
Re: Enquiry (wow! this is the first time I have got a reply to an Enquiry)
Is that your password? ( hmm it does look familiar)
Re: improved (Ah I remember, you were selling Viagra last time, self medicating yourself yeah?)
Re: Valium news (It better be juicy news!)
Re: excel document (so Excel and Word had a love child? Does Bill know about this?)

For gods sake if you really want to infect PC’s and your spam mails read, then why not go for creative “Subjects”? I am more or less resigned to the inevitability of death, taxes and spam, so why not let me help you spammers/malicious programmers for a small fee?

Take a look at the sample "Subject" matter that I have created that will definitely make the receiver read your mails.

Hi, this is me from the next cubicle :) : Guaranteed to be read at the speed of light if recipient is male. Females will read it out of curiosity anyway. (Audio file of fluttering eye lashes can be arranged for an additional charge.)

Saw you in on my floor today,you are so handsome: Mail will read with gleeful look if recipient is male. Females as usual will read it out of curiosity.

Guess who HR was with yesterday night? Pictures attached: Attachments will be opened in record speed.

Shocking!!!! PM misbehaves with J. See attachment. Attachment opening guaranteed with vicarious glee on face even if there is no J in the company.

I am too shy to talk to you hence this mail: Mail reading guaranteed after furtive looks to see if the coast is clear.

Your performance appraisal: Attachment opening guaranteed in zero seconds

Your Manager’s Performance Appraisal Report, careful!: Guaranteed opening with evil grin on face.

Confidential: PL’s browsing history: Attachment forwarding guaranteed to 374343 people even before opening.

Complaints against you from your Reporting Manager: Attachment opening guaranteed after recipient says a brief ‘puja’.

And there is more where this comes from. If any of you creative people are reading this, do get in touch with me. My replies to you always bounce. My services are reasonably priced. Satisfaction guaranteed. And if you don’t want my services, then I will hire a spammer to spam you till you agree to buy.

Disclaimer: Samples shown here will work in IT companies only. For other organizations an additional “research” charge will be levied.

When you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em ;)

53 comments:

JamesBright said...

The world can be as hard as this..!
Hope you have a nice anti virus software installed in your PC...!

silverine said...

@dreamslittle: I have, and that's why I get mails stripped off attachments. I am just letting off steam here! :))

JamesBright said...

Really...! then, people are seriously trying to infect your PC...!
That is very sad...!

>|' ; '| said...

lol

iyer education said...

i have a good idea for you... plijj dont mind...

now that you provided consultation for spammers, how about going on the other side and providing consultation to users against spam... can we technically term it as "Operation Balls To You"?

iyer education said...

*clarification*

"Operation Balls To You" = "Operation Balls To Spam" and not "you"

:)

1.618 said...

ROTFL...

Never thought the consequence had the mails been with your 'researched' subjects!

'Females as usual will read it out of curiosity.' - LOL.

DD said...

Awesome list :) Typical of u!

silverine said...

@dreamslittle: They try and infect everyone's PC.
@Poison: :)
@Iyer Education: "Operation Balls To You"? ROFL
If I could advice Users wouldnt I be taking the same advice? That's why I have decided to join 'em and make some money ;)
@1.168: They would be opened in a jiffy :)) A spammer gets a dollar per mail, so why not try and earn a part of it? :))
@DD: Thanks Deepak :)

Dev said...

You know, these subjects seem familiar... For the last few weeks, I've been also getting great deals.

Did you know last week, I could get a housing loan at just 3.721% interest? What a deal!

I assume that you have also been contacted by a Nigerian/Yugoslavian/Timbuctooian or whatever who won a lottery and would like to use your account to transfer his money, in return for some of it? :D

Lalit Singh said...

ROTFL
sahi kaha... i would kill to see my PLs browsing history,,,he always minimizes all windows when anyone approaches his desk...

and notice how the spammers will deliberately mis-spell ceratin words which are used by the spammers...

and you forgot about the good samaritan who reminds you of your rich uncle(???) in Nairobi/Kenya/Somalia who passed away (so sorry to hear that) leaving you his entire wealth(Really???)

Fleiger said...

The reason for such cliche subjects is (IMO) just to separate the wise population from email mad. The wise population deletes the mail, the other part (much more than half) falls victim to it.

Survival of the fittest and all that you know...

Alexis Leon said...

Operation Eye Ball...ROFL. Now that you have inspired the spammers I have to be more careful :-(

starry nights said...

Nice post, I am going to be on the lookout for the spam that says"This is me from the next cubicle." Had fun reading this post.

silverine said...

@Dev: Timbuctooian or whatever LOL
Even I have got such amazing Housing loans at 3.721% interest and of course the many people from African countries willing to share their wealth with me. Such wealth of generosity :))
@Lalit: PL strikes a cord doesn't it? :)) That's why it is such a eye ball grabbing 'Subject' line. Of course I haven't forgotten the poor man with the rich uncle in Africa, but the 'Subject' of their mails is not very interesting :)
@Fleiger: Besides the not so wise populace there are the unsuspecting types too who click links and buy stuff only to learn an expensive lesson in paid for in dollars :))
@Alexis: I shall send you regular updates of Spam Mail 'Subjects'so that you can delete the mail without batting an eyelid :)
@Starry nights: Thank you. Interesting 'Subject' don't you think? :)

Maverick said...

LOL :)

as for me the mail which says 'Silverine's newest post 'would be opened in a jiffy rather than any of ur proposed subject lines . u r really funny lady :)

Jim said...

Ssh! Don't give them ideas! My spam filters are having a hard enough time as it is!

Apparently, a major professional spammer was recently arrested (lost the link, sorry) so that should help stem the flood

calvin said...

aashik-the-Sysadmin-sez

"Maybe a girlfriend/boyfriend or a pimple that you wanna squeeze and burst?"

ROFL

And seriously , from now onwards I am gonna soundproof my room since everytime i read one of your posts , my folks think that I am in the clutches of a baadha

Sreejith Narayanan said...

ROFL =))

Have you not won any british online lottery worth a billion pounds? I win it every week :P

Anand K said...

LOL! Those might work.... atleast with guys. ;) We are suckers for this kind of assault.(And they say der frauleins are more "emotional". Pooh! :P)

Remember the first I LOVE YOU virus attack? The sheer carnage it caused all around the world? Tch Tch... so many hopes dashed, so many h@rd-ons sloshed, so many hard-disks crashed! ;) That Filipino kid who wrote it was some shrink. May his tribe increase!

But my all time favourite was the Nigerian Scam email. That was priceless! Imaginative! (I still keep it in my inbox for sentimental reasons)

Arti Honrao said...

Arre thanks yaar!!!!!!!!!
I needed this ... I am either going to copy paste the same on my blog or direct those idiots to ur blog :P
I get all sorts of comments ...
Online casino
Free sex
Music posters
Viagra

I am fed up of rejecting the comments ...
May God give them pimples so that they get busy squeezing n bursting them ...


Nice [and useful] read as always
GBU
Arti

Mind Curry said...

lol..that was funny alright..

but i agree spam isn't funny at all. even with the antispam and antivirus, i still get about 10 mails a day which sneak past the security.

would you be able to do some research into the healthcare industry as well? i will compensate you with some free "drug" samples.

silverine said...

@Maverick: Thank you :)Oh my God!!! Use my name? Now thats a scary thought!!! brrr
@Jim: Are you talking about Ronnie Scleson the worlds biggest spammer? Hope they will lock him in a cell a give the keys to Anand K. He is doomed for sure then :p
@Aaashik: LOL Thank you. I am cracking up here thinking of you ROFL and your folks alarmed looks. As a sysadmin you must be tearing your hair out because of these people !
@Sreejith: Oh yes, me too keep winning but I am too lazy to give my bank account number or write a cheque towards the 'processing fee' to claim the money ;)
@Anand K: Well I have a different set of 'Subjects' for the ladies, but am not gonna reveal it here till I see the moolah from my potential customers ;) I had forgotten about the I LOVE YOU virus. But come to think about it that was an original "Subject" to grab attention.I was reading about the Nigerian Scam on SNOPES, apparently it is still going on and the scamsters have made billions of dollars.
p.s. your earlier picture and this reminds me of the 'Before' and 'After' pictures of weight loss clinics. In this case it is more of a "Before Dilli" and "After Dilli" :p
@Arti: Thanks girl, glad to see another exasperated fellow sufferer. I happen to be responsible for our info@xyz.com email ID. And we get close to 200 mails a day. I have to therefore be careful and read each one before deleting or forwarding. You can imagine my pain :(
@Mind Curry: These buggers are more persistent than Tom the cat. Whatever you do they will somehow sneak past into your mailbox! Free drug samples? Sure! Can you give me some that I can administer the spamsters when I catch one of them? Death should be slow, painful but neat ;)

calvin said...

We hired a new sysadmin. I was too much for the poor souls .. Now I am thinking of spamming as a career and guess who I am gonna consult ? :))

venus said...

u should start a cunsulting company exclusively serving the spammers' world, and charge a hefty fees!! and I will charge u for my consultation to you then :P

shruti said...

very funny ..but i got scared ..wht if some serious die ahrd spammer read ur post and got some brilliant silverine type ideas .. u knw got inspired by the genius .. we are doomed !! I will now live in perpetual fear .. being not so computer literate and stayin alone with my PC as my sole companion which also doubles up as my TV ..my greatest fear and nightmare is having it crashed ( due to lack of my knowledge abt viruses etc ) ,,, now I feel jittery .. let me go soothe my nerves wid a cup of strong hot coffee .. bye for now ..brrr

Anand K said...

@ Silverine: Another snopes fan, eh? I luvv that site!
And the snap thingie... u r spot on! It is a b4 and after Delhi thing. I am in self-imposed home-imprisonment till the 14th (prelims date) restricted all pleasures and human norms (except blogging and net trawling) and therefore I now look a bit like Sanjay Dutt from Zinda. :P

Fleiger said...

Yes, the slow swimmers in gene pool... You know what they say, a free experience is not an experience. You need to spend something to gain something. (This is not what Baazigar said)

I personally love the mails sent by that so called African Princess. And those mails which tell me that if I send them to 10 people I would get the girl of my dreams. If mails would do that, I know at least 10 people who would not need to send any such mails by now.

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

know one thing ? we r so damn alike ... just read the 'few of my fav things ' ... even i dont pluck flowers coz i like them attached to the restr of their body ... and i too laugh over *certain* things the way only girls can !!!!

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

Right !!!!

When u cant beat them , join them !!!!

but just one fly in the ointment - what will the rescue tools be named ????

-> s**y pictures viewed
-> love child eliminated ... ???

Dhanush said...

Interesting Post.

Remember a poor guy in my previous comp, who clicked on a spam mail he supposedly got from Barclays and lost a few pounds from his Barclays Account. There are guys who get tempted and go for it, so can't really blame the spammers for spamming ;)

Shriedhar said...

fuuny post
btw,ur fwd titles r directed mostly 2 wards Men.

Here goes the list for Women:


1)I like ur smile ..
2)Hi,wanna speak 2 u presonally..
3)tht was nice seeing u
4)Hi, do remember me?
5)free make up tips by aishwarya rai
6)Abhishek bachan visiting the office
7)how many compliments do u get on a day

etc...

silverine said...

@Aashik: Wise choice buddy ;) After all, spammers have foxed the best sysadmins in the biz. It pays to be on the winning side...:)) Consultation requests are welcome!
@Venus: That is what this post is all about dear, an introduction to my services :)
@Shruthi: Don't worry...I will make sure that my blog pals are not affected :)
@Anand: Me too love the site. And best of luck for the exams and the look is very Sanjay Dutt indeed !!! :))
@Fleiger: African princess??? And people believe that? Then they deserved to be spammed LOL
@Deepa: Same pinch :) Why dont you attempt the tag? And about the rescue tools, if there was any that was effective would I be changing my profession? If you can't beat them join them :p
@Dhanush: Spamming is big business, maybe we should all consider it seriously!
@Shriedher:
1. You look so much like Ashwarya.
2. That color looks so good on you!
3. You should be taking part in Miss India!

These are the subjects that gals like;) (ok girls dont throw rotten eggs on my monitor, I am chumma trying to phool these guys :)) )

If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya said...

Cracked up with this list.

Another popular ones that men fall for are the "enlargement" spams!

and yea, then there are those promising you the love of your life if you fwd the mail to 50 people. then they tell you that the mail chain originated in the 1900s. Sure...perhaps Lady Ada Lovelace and Charles Babbage started it all init?

silverine said...

@ifItellya girl: What the heck?!! I just commented on your "Wanderer's Tag" and returned here to see your comment!! Now that's what I called telepathy :))Great minds think alike.
Aiyyo!!! Lady Ada Lovelace and Charles Babbage was too good ROFLAO
=))

Anonymous said...

If i start getting spams with these subjects, i am going to take this post and sue you for sure..hehe

oh by the way, there is this new spam virus mail thing that has been released..I started getting it a week ago.. for eg i send a mail to silverline with the subject "hi there", the virus sends me a reply with the subject "Re:Hi there" and the sender name also reads "silverline"..howzzat!!! these people are very innovative..

shan

പാപ്പാന്‍‌/mahout said...

I try to read the spam if I have spare time. Some of it is so entertaining, especially with the all the imaginative spellings to beat the spam filters.

[OT: 'Iyer Ed.'s comment up there reminded me of an old IAF joke:

Balagangadharan Nair from Attappadi, Kerala joins the Indian Air Force. First day at the academy, he meets his two roommates at the officers' quarters.

The first man shakes Nair's hand, and introduces himself: "I am Jaswinder Singh Gill from Delhi, 'Jazz' to you."

Ditto the second man: "I am Sharat Chandra Das from Calcutta, 'Das' to you."

Nair, unaccustomed as he is to the art of abbreviating, blurts out: "I am Balagangadharan Nair from Attappadi, 'Balls' to you"...
]

Byju Sukumaran said...

Nice one !

Fleiger said...

As I said, it takes all types to make a pool. The funny thing is, I was riding our college bus today, and there was an security poster which mentioned "I helped a Nigerian Princess to transfer her family fortune to my bank account" and so on... If Ivy Leaguers believe it, anybody can.

If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya said...

hey girlie...wow that was SOME coincidence eh?

you're right. Gr8 minds really do think alike :-)))

Prash said...

Thanks for visiting my blog for the post on 'arranged marraiges'.Yes it is something i pondered a lot and wrote it.

Oh lady, you have any idea how many spammers by now have taken your idea ? i think u shud ask for a copyright...

But i do agree, sometimes it works - When you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em -

Kusum Rohra said...

You can't beat them you join them. *kusum makes a mental note*

Error: No Brain Found.

lash said...

Spammer Association of India - Burma- Australia & Bahrain(SAI -BABA) would like to acknowledge and nonetheless appreciate the creative contribution of Silverine towards "subject"ive Spamming. We consider this to be an innovative step forward to morally and mentally harass people and to push them to the edge of a cyber suicide . We hope that our future association with you will provide more delightful and cunning insights from you, as this.

spamming you
director

silverine said...

@Shan: Just like spammers! They got my pen name wrong. It is 'silverine' and not 'silverline'. tut tut these people they never learn!!! ;)
@Mahouth: That was a good one. I have forwarded it around. Some of the spam subjects are actually hilarious :)
@Byju: Thank you dear. I read your post on childhood. One of the best descriptions of childhood in Kerala I have ever read!
@Fleiger: So the great eagle is an Ivy Leager!
@Prash: This was just the bait to lure in the big fish :))
@If I tell ya girl: High five gal! The prayer request has been taken up very earnestly :)
@Kusum: Error: No Brain Found ha ha ha ha what can I say, same situation here. Houston can you hear me? ;)
@Lash: SAI- BABA was too good ROFLAO
I am humbled by your words of praise dear Director. Let us work to drive as many people as possible to cyber suicide ;)

Fleiger said...

That's what my college says. The misunderstandings people have about me...

Anyways, my GMail has finally started getting spam mails, and the subject lines are pretty instructive. "Aunt somebody-or-other has something-or-other". If I had an Aunt by that name, I would call her, instead of opening a mail by somebody-or-other.

Tha Dalda said...

super idea. have to keep sending that arnd. but i m too n00bish to create a virus and all. so will forward all the junk mails changing the title. thanx for the tip.

/me dreams while forwarding "i love you" to dr pissed.

Srijith Unni said...

Really nice one! Shall use them .

Thanks.

Srijith.

monu said...

Reminds me of the first time i recieved a mail with subject "You have won a million dollar through free lotto".. i opened the mail in a split of second.. but when my friend who was sitting next to me told that he has already "won" the lotto hundreds of times..my enthusiasam vanished ..

stan_da_man said...

Wow..Absolutely brilliant! :)
I'm gonna be a regular now!

silverine said...

@Fleiger: I was getting spam in Gmail for quite some time now. In fact someone had made an ID in my name and sent me a request to be added to chat!! People are so stupid!!!
@Dalda: LOL I would like to see DP's face when he gets the mail from you :))
@Srijith: Do use it and spam the spammer :))
@stan_da_man: I dont know how I landed at your blog, but I am glad I did. Thanks for the kind words :)

anup.777 said...

Re: excel document (so Excel and Word had a love child? Does Bill know about this?)

lolz ... why don't u spam him and ask about it???? maybe u cld go wid a creative subject line like - "Google plans to make hybrid excel document" ... attachment opening guaranteed or what? :)

As usual, u've brought a smile to my face ... thank u! :)

indigoiris said...

that was funny alright !....& hey thanks for that comment...btw, u have a terrific blog here...thanks for telling me about this... :)

silverine said...

Anup: Thanks :)

indigoiris: Thank you :) And I don't remember leaving any comment on your blog, but glad you dropped by all the same :)