Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The ABC of a Girls PC

Disclaimer: Girls who are PC savvy may find this post offensive. Therefore you are advised to read this post and feel ashamed for not helping your PC challenged sisters.

Recently a blogger has been in the news for all the wrong reasons. He had merely linked a story about an Institute in his blog and for his troubles was sent a ‘notarized email” by the Institute. Now I think this is as good as sending a mail with a lawyer as an attachment! Now.... e-mails with viruses, adware, Trojan etc I don’t mind, but a lawyer? Imagine a lawyer running lose in a gals PC like mine! Gawd!!!! My deep dark secrets will be exposed to the world. My huge collection of jpeg images of....... puppies, kittens, flowers, teddy bears, little red hearts etc. etc. will become public knowlegde and I will become the laughing stock of the world ( read guys). On the flipside I will be the envy of all the gals, who will promptly flock to my PC to see if there are images that they can take and add to their collection. This dark underbelly of my PC is a folder called “ My Pictures” located within My Documents. No amount of therapy could cure me of collecting more and more of these pictures. (Now that I have confessed this deep dark secret I feel much better whew!!!) Now you guys must understand, we gals have our needs too, and no amount of cuddly sacharine sweet images will satisfy our craving to go awwwwwwwwwwww.

Even our PCs are very different from a guy's PC. For starters, we will have roses, teddy bears, little ones of animals and not so little ones of humans like Brad Pitt , Ashton Kuchner, Irfan Pathan etc as our Desktop background. However our Desktop is a Niagara Falls of Icons drowning out the background image.

Our PCs will remind us patiently at regular intervals that there are too many unused icons on the Desktop, which we ignore as we are genetically predisposed to ignoring anything that pops up on our Monitor. Our Microsoft Outlook will however have numerous reminders popping up at regular intervals reminding us about sales in various Malls, stylist’s appointment, changing nail polish, bill payments, Novenas etc.etc. For convent-educated gals (of any community), saying a Novena* is a must.( *a nine day prayer which if said without fail for nine consecutive days will yield a lot of hot air). Gals have Novenas for everything like:

1.Retrieving lost items especially email passwords ( I swear by this one)

2.A break up between John Abraham and Bipasha Basu

3.Getting a good boyfriend who will immediately propose (definition of ‘good’ unknown to this writer)

4.Getting a good boyfriend who will NOT propose etc.

We are notoriously bad at running Virus Scans inspite of the reminder window that frequently pops up after the due date. For PCs used by gals, Norton Anti Virus has a special feminine Edition in the pipeline. It comes with numerous power packed features like a reminder that the PC is due for a Virus Scan and then, actually going ahead with the scan anticipating that we will close the reminder window. It will, then catch the virus, worm, trojan and dangle it in front of our eyes on the monitor, forcing us to recoil in horror. Another feature is, numerous cockroaches that will crawl in the monitor as a reminder that a scan is overdue. Nothing like visual suggestion to drive home the point. Apparently this edition has an inbuilt thingie which enables it to detect that the user is female. For example:

1.Only a girl will use her PC running in Safe Mode.

2.Only a gal will push a warning from Anti Virus that there is a dangerous virus in the system to one side ( because the window can't be closed) and continue working.

3.Gals don’t like Quick Launch, they prefer everything on Desktop

4.And since there are too many confusing Icons on the Desktop we prefer to use the Programs Menu anyway.

5.Outlook Express will have additional stationery options with little hearts, bows, roses…..guess you get the gist by now.

6.The monitor will be festooned with colorful ribbons, little teddy bears and dried flowers stuck with tape. And the keyboard will have colorful stickers looking like sores all over.

7.We have never been to C and D Drive and do not know of its existence.

Anyways a recent incident led to a sea change in my attitude towards my PC and Laptop. I now swear by frequent virus scans. It all started with this innocent incident at a meeting after a presentation on my Laptop.


Boss: Ok guys! We have to strategise this quarters Brand Promotions activities.
A pop up window pops up from my Laptop with this message: Looking for Brand Promoters? Your search ends here. Contact ABC Brand Consultants.

(My hand reaches mechanically with years of experience of closing Pop Up Windows and I close the window without blinking an eyelid.)

Boss: So what are the Events that we plan to do as a follow up to the promotional activities?
Popup Window: For Promotions and Event Management contact Best Events!

Boss: ahem... silverine, have you cleaned your machine lately?
Popup Window: Clean your PC today. FREE adware scanner , download NOW, Click Here.

Me: huh! Why do I need to clean my machine?
Boss: Well... there is an awful lot of popups in your machine.
Popup Window: Free POP UP BLOCKER, click here

Me: (closing the window automatically) Where????
Popup Window: Your search ends here. Find Everything at where.com.Try The Hottest New Search Engine

Colleague No 1: Please run the Norton Anti Virus from time to time.
Popup Window: Get professional antivirus software and advice - protect your pc. Click Here

Colleague No3 to Colleague No 5: I think I am coming down with the flu.
Popup Window: Cold and Flu Treatments. Click here for your Guide to Herbs & Vitamins Proven To Prevent, Relieve, Speed Recovery

Colleague No 4 to me : (whispering) “Hey there is a sale at Metro Shoes today, Lets scoot from office early today ok? “
Popup Window: Shoes: Buy It Cheap On eBay, Low Prices, New and Used

Boss: ahem girls…lets return to the topic of discussion shall we?
Popup Window: The Key to Choosing the Right Topic for Discussions - Tips and Advice from Bright institute.

Boss: For Gods Sake!!!! Somebody shut down that laptop !!!!
Popup Window: Searching for God??? God wants you to seek a close relationship with Him at holyblessings.org


My lappie and me have since then been grounded. *sniff*

73 comments:

awakeningcoma said...

ROFTL,nice blog,mes vry much confused abt my niece pc now enlightened by ur post.

Meesa Madhavan said...

Since the frequency of your blogs have increased of late, my laughs per week rate too has improved.
Always wondered what goes inside a gal's "Personal" Computer. Though still wondering why no one makes pink computers for them. (From my limited knowledge gals like pink).
Keep them coming...

MM

Nagu said...

gals dont like quick launch!...a fact that i personally have seen with my gal collegues. i had always wondered how they live without quick launch!!

Jiby said...

absolutely wonderful post...nice to read about girls psychology once in a while...i realize i know so little about your ilk!! but there are somethings i recollect...my sister and i share a laptop...she insists on saving everything on the desktop...its been a pain educating her about good PC usage...she just wont listen...well, now she promises to obey if i clear out all my hidden folders...after 6 years of us both using the same PC she just discovered hidden folders and the tonnes of "important" files i had stacked in there! gals sure are dumb as hell.

Shirin said...

Hmmm. Guilty of having two cute Labrador puppies as the background on my PC. Guilty of having a lot of icons on my Desktop – but this is a more recent habit. All my files are in neatly labelled, topic-wise folders but some stuff which I need to do and can delete after that, I keep on my Desktop. What is Quick Launch? I have never heard of it. Don’t do virus scans or disk defragmentation either. So I guess I fit the type. :)

Matter of Choice said...

ahem...

i thought men swear by visual stimulation while women go for physical stimulation. mebbe we should ask Norton to create a few cockroaches which will crawl over your body to give that physical reminder for a virus scan :))

and u have pictures of teddy bears in ur comp??? how boring :))

cheerio
MoC
PS: you should definitely monitor the key words your site counter in the next few days. This comment is guaranteed to fetch u a few more scum looking for visual and physical stimulation :))

Geo said...

"puppies, kittens, flowers, teddy bears, little red hearts etc. etc."
This is all you got?
Hmm...
Good girl who never misses any of her Novenas and Rosaries ;_)

Still remember a friends bro's exclamation when he checked the size of my friends hard disk. Bro had sent a 20 GB hard disk from UK. The space reported was only around 3 GB or sth... The rest was 'hidden' :_D

duttan said...

Dump Outlook Express if u want colorful emails and stuff.

Check www.incredimail.com

:-)

monu said...

-------
5.Outlook Express will have additional stationery options with little hearts, bows, roses…..guess you get the gist by now.
-----
i want to add one more ...smileys ..and more smileys....even inside mails there will be hunderds of smileys ... u dont need to read the content ...just go through the smileys and u will get a rough idea of that mail...


BTW its time for u to write a book ....am sure it will be a best seller ...

Jagan said...

ha ha ..now since u hav a huge collection of jpegs (teddy bears , flowers etc ) , can u send me some .. i need to give to them some girl(s) and impress her/them ;-) .

silverine said...

@awakeningcoma:A gals PC is a jungle believe me :)
@meesamadhavan:Pink PC is such a lovely idea!!! I would love to own one :)
@nagu:I swear by Quick Launch :)
@Jiby:Thank you very much. I was like your sis till I ventured beyond Desktop and My Documents into the thrilling world of C and D Drives lol
@Shirin:I am now very PC savvy but I have gone thru all that I have described in this post in the beginning:)

silverine said...

@matterofchoice: ahem...That was an informed input. I take it you speak from personal experience, I mean that lil info about what stimulates gals vis a vis guys :))Thanks for the expert comments :)) p.s. teddy bears are not boring ;)

@geo:Would 20 GB be enough for you guys? lol
@Dutan: Thanks for dropping by and that info about incredimail
@monu: you just described my mail habits!!!!
@Jagan: Sure, anything to help you look good LOL

said...

Nice post. Looks like you had a commercialized version of Eliza in the pop-ups.

r r said...

dunno about being offended but I certainly couldn't relate to it. makes me doubt if i AM a girl or not? hehe but it was a hilarious read nonetheless. i was smiling when i was done reading it. holds interest all the way through. I didn't want to leave it mid-way and go work on my project ;). take up monu's suggestion and write a book. send me a free copy when it's a bestseller. hehe
cheers! :p
roopsie

Lost in trance... said...

your "Lappie" ? LOL :))

Thanu said...

I agree with rr, my computer is nothing like this. I have no images of red hearts or puppies. Was a good read. I guess I'm one of those girls who has set windows update to update automatically and run virus scans regularly. I love quick launch, don't use any icons on the desktop. I hate a cluttered desktop. Mail - use thunderbird, best mail program I've ever seen. I hear people thinking "geek" as they read this comment :)

Anonymous said...

Time was when a 'tomboy' was a girl who could climb trees as good as a boy. Now a tomboy seems to be a girl that uses Windows Quick Launch? :) (Thanu, no offence, just kidding)
S.

kickassso said...

i've got a sis too!
she's got no problems with quicklaunch:P ...but i did customize it for her tho:D
hidden eh?
=))
I've got a whole bunch of 700MB dll files in WINDOWS/system32/
and its always a battle for which theme stylexp sets:(

>|' ; '| said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
>|' ; '| said...

i have a highly cluttered desktop, most of which consists of stuff i never use.
ergo,
i think that it is a sign of laziness/indifference rather than a girl thing, cos i am a lazy guy..

:-)

പാപ്പാന്‍‌/mahout said...

Alternately, who says a desktop is not to be cluttered? I keep (almost) every important file on the desktop just for the ease of finding it.

My non-computer, made-of-wood desktop is cluttered as well :) (The same logic applies). Once in a while my wife gets into a cleaning frenzy, and despite my stern warnings cleans and compartmentalizes everything on my desk. I would be like a blind man in a maze, looking for things I knew for sure were there. A day later, after multiple search operations, anarchy regains control, and I am back to my all-knowing self. What my wife does not understand is that the so-called clutter is all catalogued -- for e.g., I know that this month's (as yet unpaid) electricty bill is between the Fashion, and Comics sections of the month-old issue of the newspaper.

[Sorry about posting a longer comment -- got carried away :)]

Sp^wN_0F_S^T^N said...

silverine....ur blog RULEZ!!! >:)
always LOL readin 'em...
n1 with da popups :))

P.S:
im a guy.....and.....
i've hidden ALL icons on the desktop...its blank and black (no wallpaper);use quick launch 75% of the time;use pinned shorcuts in the start menu the rest of the time; and sometimes i end explorer.exe altogether and use taskmgr.exe..... :))

Jithu said...

awesome! :-)

Anonymous said...

is there anyone else who just presses WIN+R and types the filename?

this could be the next step in silverine's evolution :)

wacky-weird-woman said...

I am suddenly glad to know there are more technologically challenged girls (I will be happier if they also work for IT companies just like me)
LoL
~WWW
p.s. Thx for dropping by on my blog

hope and love said...

lol..
very true..
:))
but i wonder if anyone else cut express it so well..
u r great gal..
:))

Safari Al said...

guys like mw have pictures of half naked models sprawling on beaches, completely soaked and looking very turned on...

i guess its the only way a guy stuck in an engineering college in the middle of nowhere, where there aren't any females, but there are non-males, can feel a little happy. some woman smiling at hgim...

lash said...

i am dissappointed :-( i had great expectations abt a "girls pc"..and ws my ex lying to me?? she had this habit of threattening me saying.. "i ve caught our acrobatics on a web cam and has it saved in my pc.u better lead a straight life or that will reach ur mom.and dun even think of marryin me.i will post it all over the place and ruin ur life.beware." poor me.i agreed.

Casablanca said...

Hahaha.. that was funny. Not true (hey atleast not the teddys and ribbon part :P ) but amusing none the less :D

If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya said...

woman, u have me spilts :-))

goood blog. i have been laughing over it with all the woman at work.

thanks for cheerin me up :-D

.... said...

hehehe... I gues we've all been there lol. My laptop is filled with the unspeakable. Which is why i don't open it in public. Nothing short of soap and vinegar will clean my hard drive :-)

Leon said...

Haha.. most of those facts are actually true.. esp of my sis.. She's getting better these days though.. :-)

Btw, while offering to be your IT consultant, I forgot to discuss compensation issues and remind you that IT consultants come very expensive.. :p

Dr. Pissed said...

I miss doctor pissed

Praveen said...

Thanks for giving this wonderful insight into the girls' pc. Had a good laugh after reading this one :)

Shan said...

Hey, thanks for the good read.

korn said...

ohhh nice blog indeed

CARROTS ARE GOOD

flaashgordon said...

Well Anju
Anju!Acc to flaash rankings this is ur 3rd best post ever! (aftr cookin & pkc posts) Esp Novena part was abs hilarious!

I really didnt know that most of the things i do are so feminine !

Like u say.....
1.Only a girl will use her PC running in Safe Mode.

Guys run it in some "dangerous mode" or wot?None told me! Wots this safe mode thingie anyway?.. U mean i should lock the door before logging on?? pssst...did u mean by "safe" that i should use a condom?

2.Only a gal will push a warning from Anti Virus that there is a dangerous virus in the system to one side ( because the window can't be closed) and continue working.

I'm curious now. wot else u r supposed 2 do wth it?It really doesnt close ; i thot its part of standard MS PC Booting procedure..

3.Gals don’t like Quick Launch, they prefer everything on Desktop

I thot it was an awfully clever thing to do to hav everything on the desktop! Now u r telling me its feminine!

(just when i ws typing this i got a call frm tech sayin tht there's too much of excel /powerpoint files on the desktop and its makin my office PC slower! Some wierdo techie b%#^@%^-next he'll say hurricanes in Florida are causing my mailbox to clog )

neway its not just me...my next door wipro 7 years experience techie guy who's a parasite wrt my home PC; doesnt really know anything about debug, virus scans, safemode login etc..It ws another frnd's just out of college younger bro who told me abt me Limewire,dialpad, winamp, pw cracks etc

keep up the good work and educate me sometime!

cheers
flaash

silverine said...

@koushik: Yes it is very much like a different version of Eliza :)
@rr:Thanks for dropping by, liked you article on Punjabi Brides very much.
@Lostintrance: Thats what I call my laptop.
@Thanu: Guess we all reach the 'geek' stage eventually :)
@kickasso: It was 'you' who oragnized it for her :)
@Poison: Laziness yes, plus many people do not know how to organzie their PC till it is shown to them. That's how I learnt.
@Mahout:Some people are most comfy in anarchy. it's order that throws them off balance :))
@Spawn and Jithu: Thank you :)
@Anonymous: That's a new thing I learnt from you :)
@WWW: I am a non techie working for an IT co like you :)
@HnL: Thanks for your cute comments :)
@Lash: Shame on you goosey, getting bullied by a gal!!!! ;)
@safari al: Now that's a creative way to use your desktop LOL

silverine said...

@casablanca:Well from my experience it is true in the case of many gals :)
@if I tell ya: thanks gal, you sure know how to write ek dum in the face' yourself ;)
@Twinkle: The desktop sure is a dangerous place to keep your 'unspeakables' lol
@Leon: Will payment in extollatory comments do? :))
@Praveen and Shan: Thank you :)
@Dr pissed: Hope he will be back soon to his butt kicking best :)

Sreekesh Menon said...

really? hmm...how strange.

A Chrysanthemum by any other name... said...

hahahaha!! This is funny. Dont the PCs also rememble nagging females? :))

പാപ്പാന്‍‌/mahout said...

This is OT, but did you know that your blog is worth more than 20,000 dollars? Go here to verify for yourself.

Arun said...

This is the first post Im reading of yours...and I must admit, I was equally educated and entertained by your attempt at explaining the marvel called the female brain. I feel like you are a person who sees the funny side of everything, and thats an enviable trait to possess. Ever tried for a screenwriting opportunity in a rafi mecartin movie? ;)

hotICE said...

MY GOD!!! Hilarious is an understatement!!! amazingly written! hats off!

Euphoric Dreamer said...

wht an amazing post !

kd said...

Trust me silverine.. Yours is the best blog in my entire list. You make me laugh my... off. How the hell do you cook up comedy so well. Thanks for making so many of us chuckle every time you touch that girls PC

BTW : A guys comp is mostly left open so that he can access the hard disk! and the desktop has uninterrupted view of some supermodel in a bikini or less..

Amazing post..

Joker said...

ROLTFLMAO!!!!! HIlarious!!!!! WHOOO HOOOO!!!!

wondering if i can sneak a peek in there...

BTW, Me back after another hiatus. Been a crazy time with work and stuff. Now back to my fave thingy – Blogging and Blog Hopping! *GRIN* *HUGS*

silverine said...

@flaash:Thanks for your comments. Tongue in cheek as always :)
@Sreekesh: Strange are the working of the female mind indeed ;)
@chrysanthemum:More like irritating males :))
@mahout:Thanks for the link. I checked it out :)
@arun:Thank you, and no, scriptwriting is not my forte :))
@hotice and euphoric dreams:Thank you so much :)
@Nithin:Thank you.I know, a guy's desktop usually resembles a scene straight out of Baywatch :)
@joker:Welcome back!!! That's some great job you have been doing with the kids.The pictures were eloquent enough.

Kris said...

Got to this blog from some other and the first post got me hooked...u have one more regular reader...gr8 post!!!

Goan Pao said...

hearts and teddies on a PC...blasphemy I say...sheer disregard for engineering...just kidding...
I get it now...no girl would enjoy having Pamela anderson stare at them from their PC...
The most hilarious part was the novenas...gosh Im amazed at that..but then again...i knew my sister made the novenas for any and everything she wanted...she did get a lot of her wishes too..tempting me to try them as well....the ones I made were purely for educational purposes though...
The virus scan is one thing I dont get....
A girl can be a cleanliness freak yet her PC can have the most digusting softwares and stuff..dont u gals feel for your PC..treat like you would treat ure girlfriend...oh wait no that wont work cause then you'll just bitch about ur PC...
well its good to know that girls will be girls and boys will be boys..
wishing the best for your PC..I know he/she will need it. ;)

anthony said...

The most hilarious post in a long time now.. A girl with a laptop and a blogger at that..acceptable.. many girls use laptops.. many even blog, well correction, mostly girls Blog... But a hilarious Blog.. Girl, you are FUNNY... i award to you the funniest Blog of the week, make it a month.. What say fella commentors????

anthony said...

Not to mention u deserve a place on my blogroll

QuaTros said...

Aah, well, lady you should see some of the things my mom calls me up for to clarify regarding the comp!
You would'nt believe it folks, but once my mom called and told me that she gets mails from 'someone'named 'mailer-daemon' evertime she mails me! Well, of course she was trying to mail me on a non existant mail id! rofl! ;-))

Hiren said...

Very well written. Good to have insight about the fairer sex preferences on PC. Some lawyers cannot be let loose anywhere, leave alone a PC.

Camphor said...

*dies laughing*

Only a gal will push a warning ...in the system to one side ( because the window can't be closed) and continue working.
Guilty!

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

heyy .........

been a long time .....

yeah , i agree w/ u w.r.t women n men using PCs .... i'd never ever install smthg unless abs necessary ....

but i DONT have bows and ribbons

and i DO use quick launch ...... i guess most girls dont use it coz they dont have the slightest clue it exists !!

anthony said...

A very very happy deepavali

anthony

Lost in trance... said...

Happy Diwali, you! :)

Geo said...

hey..
how was your it.co.in ?

back to work..err..blogging?

anthony said...

Shifted the cookblog to blogspot. here is the link, anthonyskitchen

BTW ur post is long due

anthony said...

oh.. it wasn't a spam.. u left a comment on tonyskitchen..about tested cookings...

Adarsh A. Varghese said...

Its been some time since you posted, silverine. Waitin for ur next post!

MTT Publishing said...

Hilarious. Keep writing. I'm on the floor over here.

Nikhil Narayanan said...

Hey buddy,
I was late to read this piece...zimbly adipoli...

~Nikhil~

Ganja Turtle said...

A cool site,mal lady...as a Tam guy in Malluland, always used to wonder why mal women outside KL are so difft from the ones who remain here...you add more to the mystery...Amen!

injinuity said...

its not just the girls.. a good friend of mine was at my home last week...he opened internet explorer and kept staring at 'about: blank' for 5 minutes before he told me that he was waiting for msn.com to open up.. seems his default page is msn.com

Anonymous said...

wonderful blog.
have a nice day
regards
g

June-An said...

one of the nicest n most hilarious post i ever read, though i wouldn't particularly agree on the content! My PC is clean and neat! :D But I do have teddy and baby pictures, safely and neatly stored in 'My Pictures' folder!

1.618 said...

wonderful blog...
reached here thro' a series of links and i don't regret it...

Anonymous said...

What about Fonts? You are a fontaholic! At last count you had a zillion :)

JK

Princess Stefania said...

And that's why God created men. And that's why He still hasn't exterminated them.

From
"Westside-has-a-sale-won't-you please *flutters eyelids* help-me carry-my- trophies-back-home?"
to
"My-computer-has-a *sniffle* virus- won't-you-please-spend-the-next-few hours-sorting-it-out-for-me?"

Those 'Y' chromosomed beings really are indispensable!

silverine said...

Princess Stefania: well said!!

M@mma Mi@ said...

absolutely nice post...