Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Miss Communication

This attrition levels in the IT industry is creating havoc. I mean till the day before the day before yesterday I minded my own business i.e. helping the marketing team in all their communication needs. There was peace, bliss, contentment and job satisfaction.

Then out of the blue the Public Relation guy resigns and as is wont for some strange reason I am asked to take over the portfolio till the next incumbent walks in. Today the Corporate Communication gal quit and of course this portfolio is also handed over to me. And all this because the term communication is an appendage to my designation.

Now the web defines public relations as “the acts of communicating what you are to the public.”
To equip myself for the important task of PR (since the PR guy was leaving the next day) I followed him around diligently the whole day. Evening I was witness to a brilliant PR exercise at the BWSSB ( Bangalore Water Sewerage and Sanitation Board) canteen.

PR: So how much do you want to let our sewage pipe into the Kaveri?
Govt Employee: One lakh saar.
PR: (calling the finance manager): Mr Moneybags? He wants two lakhs!
Finance Manager: Excellent! Excellent! Well within our budget!!
What? He won’t give receipt? Hahahaha of course not you silly this is a bribe ha ha ha.
Don’t worry about the receipt.
Please come and collect the cash.
And do it fast. The smell is unbearable.


The web defines Corporate Communications (CC) thus: “Corporate Communication is the management tool, which tunes all intentional forms of internal and external communications in a way the organization creates and keeps an image towards its major target groups.”

I think I succeeded in this objective in an interview with a reporter I handled the day the CC gal left.

Reporter: Is it true that your company is letting out sewage water into the Cauveri?
Me: Duh!
Reporter: Just as I thought! Is it also true that your big boss is being sued for s***** harassment by his male secretary?
Me: Huh?!
Reporter: Thank you. One last question, you have been so helpful. Is it true that your company uses pirated software?
Me: er….um…hmmm( scratching head)

Reporter: Thank you!!!!!!! That will be all. We will be giving you exclusive coverage in tomorrow’s edition. Watch out for the headlines.

Wow that was easy. I didn’t give out any misleading information. I feel proud. Afternoon the ex CC gal mails me.

Dear Miss Present Incumbent

Given below are some the terms (and it’s meanings) that you must avoid while talking to the press.

Duh: (means) Oh yes, yes, yes, it’s true
Huh?!: (means) I admit he did it.
Er…um…hmmmm:(means) Yes I admit it and we are proud of it!

p.s. Scratching your head makes you irresistibly attractive to journalists.

Warm regards,

Miss CEECEE

Next day 9:30 am the phone rings. It’s the big boss.

Big Boss: Miss Present Incumbent, there is this article in the newspaper. It says that I used pirated mail software to s******y harass my male secretary who jumped into the sewage pit and tried to commit suicide. Did you have anything to do with this?
Me: Duh!

Today while going home the big bosses car careened wildly missing me by inches. Poor man was so upset that he nearly killed me. Last time I saw him he was banging his head on the car and kicking his car tyres over and over again. Nice man.

I think I will move to PR.

46 comments:

Sushil said...

I have seen stuiff like this happen in real life that I am so sure this is a real account and not a product of your imagination :-). Nice post as always - you outdo yourself each time.

zimblymallu said...

man, thats a freakin scary picture. looked like a very hairy ... no comment but why are you fondling your chin...

Did you just call her a liar?

Matter of Choice said...

i am calling her a liar :)

all this cant be true...how can the "communication" ppl have such an interesting life while we slave over trying to bring in some revenues :((

did someone say "life isnt fair" ?

cheerio

silverine said...

@sushil: Mebbe its true mebbe not :))Thanks for the compliments.
@zimbly:U r zimbly outrageous :))LOL
@matterofchoice: The grass is always greener....wanna make a profession switch? :))

hope and love said...

ya.. its true.. the grass is always greener..
:))

Sinfully Pinstripe said...

Well well well! what do I say? Thanks for the last bit, as in:

(p.s. This is a fictitious account)

Jake said...

yeah really, cos here i would have been thinking that it all happened

:-P

Anoop MohanKumar said...

Nicely penned. You could get this story to Scott adam's and get it printed as a dilbert strip. Titled
"Incumbent- my ass ahem my boss".

Praveen said...

Hilarious :). I liked your interview with the reporter. You practically never uttered one coherent word but it was enough for the reporter, wasnt it? :)

silverine said...

@sinfullypinstripe:Dont say anything.Especially to my big boss ;)
@Jake:Now u know ;)
@anoop:Thank you :)
@Praveen: Thanks. Now you know the secrets of investigative journalism :)) lol

Jake said...

It says that I used pirated mail software to s******y harass

Only software ? no hardware was involved ?
What was the secretary complaining about ?

ROFL.

manu said...

nice job silverine. you out do yourself everytime. in the communication business you still have many more things to learn. ask someone who is in the same trade :-)

scorpigle said...

To me it doesn't matter if true or false.. simple a hilarious read... superb.

Leon said...

Damned funny.. :-). I liked the part about the duhs and huhs the best.. lol.

>|' ; '| said...

Big Bossman: "It says that I used pirated mail software to s******y harass my male secretary who jumped into the sewage pit and tried to commit suicide."

u will b responsible if i choke to death, laughing!

Alexis Leon said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Alexis Leon said...

Excellent post. Very funny. As always your sardonic style makes it a pleasure to read.

Alexis Leon

Lost in trance... said...

sexy read...:)

tcr_79 said...

You surely know how to strech the truth to make it really funny!!

Like your style of humour and writing :)

Keep it up!

Parna said...

fall into line and make some monies. get the booty and then get out of there. like quick. on the double. and then *take a deep breathe* go travel the world :)

what no? :o

monu said...

[:O]

ollathanoo ithu :O

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

heh heh heh !!!!! " decorated .... X-mas tree " ... great one !!!
but now, i can prove the same story being repeated to women sans christmas trees .... i dont generally wear ANY costly jewellery .... just glass stuff ... BUT ....

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

yet to read the post dear .... kinda v v v hard pressed for time ... after all . , wanna reach home b/f the sun sets !!

puddlefrog said...

hahahhahaha :) :) :) totally dilbertesque (if there's a term like that)! You're so wallyish in what you did -or rather did not do !!

fobsie said...

You are getting better and better.

Jiby said...

Boy! Am I glad to be a techie...the only lies we need to tell are to cover our asses...not others too! but gotta admit it...like anish said i hate all u ppl who have so much fun and intrigue at work! Excellently written...i think u shouldnt restrict urself to just blogging...u surely can pen the next great indian novel.

pallavi said...

well...all the above mentioned have left very little for me to say except, you should definitely move to PR!!
KUDOS babe!

Kraz Arkin said...

Buy a Gun.

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

p.s. Scratching your head makes you irresistibly attractive to journalists.

how come the Qn of LICE never came into the picture ??????

Ya , making it particulary disgusting ... i know .. i know ....

silverine said...

@deepa: scratching your head when asked probing questions is a sign that you are a dunce, hence very useful for digging out corporate dirt. Understood??? :))

Sreekesh Menon said...

and still the sysyem works, shows it takes only a few good people to get things working, and the rest maintain balance.

injinuity said...

"I'm thinking of leaving my husband," complained the wife of a well-known public relations expert. "All he ever does is stand at the end of our bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

Jokes apart,Spin is definitely on the rise in corporate India, perfect time to make a jump for anyone, including you madam.

Living_dead said...

the consistency is something which has always maintained some distance
from me...and not to mention..or to mention always...u got the
adjective in ur writing ..truly biblfied ...personified and meant to be always...no matter how much u overdo...it never gets over...stops right at its brim...and that's the moment of silence...the prayer infuses in the soul ...making it gloriful...the true joy that comes
out is priceless...the price of the prayer...

woops ;-) time to sleep i guess

zimblymallu said...

@living dead.
i see words and ... waaaay over my head, is it a plane, is it a bird, is it superman? nooo, its truly biblified... and gloriful.

@deepa
lol. maybe journalists like to pick lice in their spare time...

does anybody have a paen cheep(lice comb) i didnt know how else to translate that.

Pratish Menon said...

:) hello mallu!

Anonymous said...

@zimbly: just some discreet words in appreciation for the hostess' writing capability in general...in those early days of my life, i used to make paper planes that will coincidently swoooshed past ppl's head...my way has changed now

Living Dead

silverine said...

@livingdead: Long time no see.Hey u do write well in the comments section. Try and migrate that to your blog will you? Hoping to see more posts from your side.

Geo said...

"Nee okke enthinaaa joli cheyyunne?"

ps: inspired by the famous question asked to Jagdish by Inncoent in the mallu movie GodFather.

The Arbit Council said...

lol hilarious! :D

Sreekesh Menon said...

the system maybe limping, but it works ( if you know how to make it work).

Jithu said...

ha ha ha... too good.. hmm.. miss-communication by a miss :-)

Neil Padayatty said...

I've Book-Tagged you on my blog! The tag must go on!

Geo said...

Miss,

Hope u havnt miss-understood me in that 'vote of confidence' comment.
I was picking at the comment-ers.
I mean, I was trying to do that. :_(

As far as the post goes, I liked it... I like ur openness.

What I meant was that the comment-ers were too hooked with ur intro sentence to notice what you were trying to convey...

Hope its no more a miss-communication.

Grafxgurl said...

:)heya....thanks for coming by..love your blog!!

kickassso said...

hmm If wimmun start being funny what are us guys to do:( start laughing at feeble attempts of other wimmuns trying to be as funny as you are? :-o the horror!!!!!!!!!
Anyways >:D< loved your blog...woke up my latent funny bone which had been lying neglected for almost two years. Bad luck for my friends tho:D

flaash said...

So ma'am..
Horrors, You work in company which is basically into releasing sewage into the Kaveri. Ur manager sexually harasses the male secretary using pirated software and tries to run down innocent PR gals..No wonder its a high attrition company

btw all girls reading this post ;STOP using Clinic All Clear, Mediker, Head n Shoulders etc if you want a journalist husband as soon as possible. Its easy ; stand outside any press club- just scratch ur head - U get to pick between the best journalists around. As per Silverine its a primal mating signal which currently only journalists can pickup..Does it work with female TV journalists too?I find Menaka Joshi of CNBC kinda cute..

Cheers
flaash