Sunday, August 31, 2008

When he was sleeping...

R was sick. R is a typical guy. The type that doesn’t listen to his mommy. So mommy calls me up and tells me to baby sit her 22 year old sonny boy. Now puhleese folks, R is not my BF, but childhood friend and neighbor. So Sunday saw me take my lappie and head towards R's house as his folks had to go to this temple for some pooja. R was already in bed, snoring... drugged with the meds he was taking. Moiself decided to sit on the other side of the bed with the blanket around me as it is a cold and rainy Sunday here in Bangalore.

Pretty soon I was chatting with friends. A friend called Hira (real name), a simble mallu gal logged in from San Francisco. After the usual round of greetings, Hira concentrated her energies on me.

Hira: You at home or at Nina's place?
Me: I am at R's place.
Hira: R! And what you doing there?
Me: I am in bed with him!
Hira: What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Don’t judge me too harshly dee :(
Hira: You alone in the house?
Me: Yeah! His parents have gone to Malleshwaram for some temple festival.
Hira: Anju, this is not right!!
Me: I know :(
Hira: Hope no one saw you coming here.
Me: I think Mallika aunty saw me. :(
Hira: This is not right!! Go home now!
Me: Well…
Hira: Did anything happen?
Me: Yes! :(
Hira: OMG!!
Me: *silence*
Hira: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: *silence*
Hira: O H M Y GOD!!!
Me: :(
Hira: I can't believe this!!! You of all people!!!!
Me: I don’t know how it happened, but it did! :(
Hira: You get back home right NOW! I will call you.
Me: I can’t!
Hira: Why?
Me: I can’t dee! :(
Hira: Why!!! Is your clothes torn?
Me: ROTFL!!!!

I couldn’t continue the charade anymore, not while rolling on the floor laughing my guts out! The accused meanwhile, was fast asleep, not knowing that he had been framed, tried and found guilty of rape "WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING!!"

p.s It is so nice to be bad!! Made my day! *contended sigh*

Saturday, August 23, 2008


The most embarrassing moment of my life...

I don’t know how I am writing this post, but I am doing it because I want out with it!

I have this habit of making passwords that is derived from some event in daily life. I think an old post of mine covering my password travails is proof enough. So I have had passwords like, pulpyorange (cos I was drinking it at the time), techwebcasts ( cos I was recording sessions by technical experts for webcasts on that day), bangaloreblast ( needs no explanation) etc etc.

So I go to this guy blogger's comment section and write a comment and am busy signing in and don’t notice the cursor jumping to the comment box from the password log in area. I then notice that the password has not been typed in and so point the cursor into the password area again, completely ignoring the comment box and successfully publish comment. Luckily, I went back to the blog to check my comment again and was horrified to see this:

Nice post! I do agree with what you have written here about some girls being a pain during dates. I guess it is because we do not have a dating culture to have sufficiently developed dating etiquettes. periodpain

My hair stood on one end and my eyes popped out like in those cartoons, when I saw my password at the end of the comment. I deleted the comment at lightening speed and prayed rather fervently that they guy had not enabled the comments being mailed to his Inbox feature. I was sooooooo embarrassed for a couple of weeks after that! I still blush at the thought!

Never heard from the blogger again. Maybe he died of embarrassment too! :(

p.s someone please tell me you have done worse *sob*

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The wedding flashers!

Think “mallu Christian wedding” and the first thing that flashes in your mind is the flash of a camera. In fact, it is the first thing that greets you as you enter the church for the wedding. A blinding FLASH!! And while you grope around blinded by the flash, you are hit by yet another searing flash, this time the exposure is much longer as it is the Videographers lights being thrust in your face. This completely blinds you and you follow the rest of the church proceeding through a haze, blinking desperately in the vain hope that your vision will somehow surface out of the haze. And just when you are beginning to make out the faint outline of the fat aundy in the bench before you, comes another flash... 'tis time to be photographed as the attentive audience!!! (they have everything covered I tell you.)

You sink into darkness again. The audio is your only clue that the wedding is still going on and you are inside the church. By the time your vision is restored again, the wedding is over and you are wary. You look around wild eyed for the photographer and video guy, petrified they may appear from nowhere and flash you again! And after you spot them, you keep a keen bloodshot eye on them, ready to close your eyes the moment they spot you and say “Hey! Look a gal who can see!! Let’s go blind her!” You spend the rest of the time in the Church covering like an animal being stalked, your senses in full alert ready to flee at the first sign of the "Flash Team”.

When the family album is finally released via Picasa, you look the epitome of piousness with your eyes closed in "prayer" for most part of the wedding, except that smug smirk that will be dismissed by gushing relative as "spiritual ecstasy." Only you know about the middle finger you were holding up behind you. And if you are lucky, they will never catch you err photograph you doing that. (Warning: Please don’t try this during weddings. Only trained people are advised to try this stunt)

After the wedding is over, which you deduce by the Priest saying “I now bless you in the name of the Father *flash* the son *flash* and the Holy Spirit *flash**flash**flash**flash*" you open one eye warily and when the coast is clear i.e the “Flash Team” are flashing someone else ( Definition of’ flash’ and "flashing" - as in photographic flash, please note …sigh) you make a dash for the door.

If you are lucky you get away. But if you are family, then there is no way you will get out of the church without being subjected to some more flashing ( same definition as above). Those who still try will be met with sturdy aundies blocking their way. They are like bouncers, waiting to catch people running away from the mandatory family photograph!! You will be dragged kicking and screaming well...almost and put next to the bride and groom and you groan inwardly as the lights take aim. When the family album is out, you are either seen looking like a man being put in an incinerator, alive or like a poor blind relative.

After you have blinked like a tube light a couple of million times and retrieved your vision, it is time to go for the Reception. You don’t wanna go. But the sturdy aundies make sure everyone has boarded the various vehicles specially arranged to ensure that people do not escape the zapping session at the reception hall. You are transported like a trussed chicken to the reception hall where, if you are lucky, you will escape being flashed while getting down from the bus.

You look for a table away from the crowd, indistinguishable and preferably invisible and then fight a horde of people also looking for a table, away from the crowd, indistinguishable and preferably invisible. If you are lucky, the photo and video guy won’t notice the scuffle and land up to photograph “the event”. And if you are not lucky, the Picasa album will show a horde of blind people fighting over a nondescript table at a remote corner of the hall.

It is pure bliss when the Bride and Bride groom arrive at the reception hall, as every flash worth its weight in gold will be turned on them. You get a much deserved relief from the flash and time to repair your eyes before the next onslaught. After the toast and the cake cutting and the rest of the rituals are over, you groan as the “Flash Team” turns their gaze towards the crowd. From then on, you synchronize your visits to other tables with the Flash Team’s departure from the table. Then you realize that everyone is doing the same. When the Picasa album is aired for general viewing, it will show a whole crowd of people playing musical tables in the hall and a very bewildered “Flash Team” looking very bewildered at the unruly and uncreative crowd that refuses to sit still to be flashed.

Food is eaten at express speed when people see the “Flash Team” approaching and when they near their table the whole table gets up for dessert. Not to be outdone the “Flash Team” will follow them to the dessert section only to have the whole crowd escape back to their tables. The Flash Team, totally frustrated by now use the dreaded "Trap and Flash” tactics.

Err miss which is the non veg section?
To your right

Saar, where is the toilet?
This way!

Ladies! Which one of you is Shinty Thomas?
No one!
Thank you! *Flash*

Soon the Flash Team sits down to eat and you look around and find their equipment is missing. You join the general cursing that emanates from the masses similarly expressing their disappointment at their inability to smash the equipment. You promise to yourself that one day you will find it and smash it before the others!

Soon its time to go the bridegroom’s house for the “bride handing over ceremony”. The aundies ensure that you are once again transported willy nilly to the bridegrooms house. And if you have by any chance made any remark about the need to leave for home early to escape further flashing, then you will get the first chance to be flashed with the couple after the "bride handing over ceremony.”

While you grope your way out of the house, getting slapped and punched for touching people in the wrong places, you realize in a 'flash' that retinal damage, ligament tear and permanent blindness is all part of the fun of the big fat achayan wedding! :)

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Holy Molly!

I was reading this interesting piece of news the other day. Some scientists in the US err studied the mating behavior of the male Molly (sic) fish and found something the world never knew before about Molly fish. 'The male Molly fish doesn’t like to mate when being watched!'

Wow!! I could have told you that without any ‘study’!!

There are more interesting findings in this err study! According to the article, the male Molly fish shows scant regard to the lady he fancies, so that other males think that 'she is not good enough’ and thus be misled into ignoring her. This means all the other Molly males are also doing the same! Then how on earth do they manage to produce any baby Molly's at all!!

Which lead the researchers to the scientific conclusion that…

Male Molly fish are dumb!!

and that…

They will be extinct soon!

and further that…

all the lovely Molly ladies out there had better start looking elsewhere for love and babies! According to the scientists there are more then enough macho Trouts and Salmons out there, looking out for a sneaky affair and/or inter caste marriages!

And if they take the mallu route to naming their kids, we will soon have a lot of little Trolly's and Molmon’s gurgling joyfully in the streams (oblivious to the future when they grow up and go to ‘school’ with such names! )

Now if you are wondering why the researchers bothered to waste their time watching some dumb fishes and their unexciting procreational acts, then you will be surprised to know, that it was for the better understanding of the biological processes of marine life which will help researchers in stemming the decline in marine life in our water bodies.

Ha! Ha! Kidding! The real reason peoples was, *drum rolls* the study had grant of 14 million dollars!!!

Holy Molly! Now that’s a lot of money for watching fish porn err fish behavior don’t you think!!

Research anyone?

Original article here!

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Whats the good word, again?

“Anjali!!" the voice crackled in the phone. “XYZ Newspaper is coming to interview your Boss. Get him ready for Press!”

“But” I interjected. “You guys are supposed to prime him for the Press!!”

“I want nothing to do with that Bulldog” snarled the PR Manager! And she slammed the phone down. I cursed the boss for calling her a beached whale and her, for calling him a Bull Dog and he in turn for calling her….never mind. Their petty quarrels had landed me in a thick soup now. I do have some PR experience, but this was an important interview and the Boss’s first interview too. An enormous responsibility lay on my shoulder and I knew that I had to deliver.

The right thing to do would be to resign and run away or run away without resigning. But then I have a notice period of two months to serve and the interview was a couple of days away!! So resignation was out of the question. Maybe I could contract Chicken Pox, I thought. All I have to do is drop into my old Alma Mater, and walk into the Primary Section and lo behold I would have Chicken Pox!! (Trust me it works! But then you may contract intestinal worms too, so be careful!)

Then it struck me that I had already finished with my bout of Chicken Pox!!! So I had to reluctantly discard that plan too. Which left me with one possible solution and that was *drum roll* waylay the reporter and kidnap him and threaten to kill him if takes the interview!! But then Mrs. Beached Whale would find another reporter to interview Mr Bull Dog err Boss!! Sigh!

So I decided to take the bull dog by its horn (goes without saying “no pun intended”). Bull Dog err Boss was very cooperative.

“Anjali, let me handle this” he said kindly!
“How many interviews have you given boss?” I asked, equally kindly!
“None” he said confidently!
“Then” I continued kindly. “Let ‘me’ handle this!”

The interview preparation of the most straight forward man in the universe began...right after I had lit 200 candles at Infant Jesus Church! This would be a more difficult task than making the Shiv Sena celebrate Valentine’s Day or persuading the Left parties in Kerala to give up their estates, lavish bungalows and TV channels! And hence the precaution.

With trepidation and a sense of impeding doom I took the Boss’s preparatory class.

Me: Boss, you must listen to the question properly. For example, "What does your quarterly result indicate?"
Boss: It means we are doomed :(
Me: Nooooo!!! err I do not summarize everything so succinctly Boss!!
Boss: What else can I say? The figures speak for themselves!! Hmmpph!
Me: You must say - "Current figures are reflective of industry trends and we are not expecting any deviation from the same. The market is however buoyant and we expect a significant though not major shift and a few surprises"
Boss: Please speak in English young lady!
Me (ignoring him): Try again. Here’s a question -“What do you think will be a significant contributor to your next quarterly results?"
Boss: People coming to work on time, taking shorter tea breaks, fewer leaves...aha ha ha!
Me: That was perhaps the poorest PJ I have heard!
Boss: :(
Me: Coming back to the question, you must reply - “I see a paradigm shift in market trends owing to the rapid changes in the industry's vertical focus…"
Boss (mouth agape): What was that again!!
Me( beaming rather proudly): That was deflective technology.
Boss: What’s that! Never heard of it before!
Me: That’s my parlance for ‘avoiding questions’ adroitly!
Boss: it possible for you to take the interview?
Me (reassuringly): You will do just fine. If you are lost, just look at me and I will take over.

The interview went fine … well nearly.

Journo: Mr Boss, how many years of experience do you have in this industry?
Boss: hmm let me think...
Me (quickly): Over 100 man hours in object-oriented design and implementation, Project management, Multiple processor use and runtime optimization, Solution Architecture, Enterprise, Solutions, Infrastructure besides vast experience in non technical skills like Performance Competencies.
Boss: Huh?
Journo: What are the challenges you are anticipating in the face of global recession.
Boss: To begin with...
Me: What he means is …right now we are keeping a close eye on the market developments and will align and adjust our product roadmap as the trends change.
Journo: Did you expect to see such overwhelming negative reaction from users for your product XYZ?
Boss: I! :(
Me: Ahem…of course!!! A negative response was expected from the outset. Our product is unique and a genre-defying and it is very hard to make an estimate based on initial reactions. Judging from the latest reports however, we could safely say that users are not any less enthusiastic about XYZ!
Journo: Huh?
Boss: Huh?
Me (quickly): Next question please!!
Journo: What is your current position in the market?
Boss: Pretty bad...
Me (hastily): What he means is ….to answer this question we first have to define which part of the market you are talking about. Is it retail, OEM etc. Right now our plan is to expand beyond these markets. So our growth is dynamic now and we cannot churn out static figures that would enable you to pin us down on the Billboard. However we can safely say it will definitely be exceeding our expectations!
Boss: *giggle*
Journo: The XYZ recently released was related to software. According to its specifications ABC application software will require the implementation of blah blah and blah blah. Can you explain us how you plan to handle these three elements and how they are applied in your upcoming software, and what technical issues relate to their implementation?
Boss (brightening up at the techie jargon): Well….
Me: Well...since our software is used in PC Software applications...

Boss picks up a National Geographic grumpily and starts thumbing through it.

Boss (looking up from the magazine): Maybe I will go get some Tea for all of us!
Me: Sit down!!
Boss (hopefully): Maybe some cold drinks?
Journo: I would like coffee please.
Boss (getting up in a hurry): *whew* Thank you!!! Err I mean I will have it sent right away!

In the evening, as I sat drinking cup after cup of very strong coffee to calm my nerves and steady my shaking hands, I made a firm resolve. No, it is not to resign and run away or contract Chicken Pox and or Intestinal worms. I firmly resolved that, whatever the girth of Mrs Beached Whale formidable a***, I will kiss it if it means that I don’t have to babysit the Boss through another interview again.

So help me God!

Song I am listening to - Dance with Me by Nouvelle Vague