Monday, October 26, 2009

Recipe for disaster!

Heard this over the phone yesterday. My brother M was giving a recipe of some stuff he had cooked at his friend’s house that seems to be a big hit with all his friends.

"You have to take one chicken, I don’t know about the size, but it was as big as a loaf of bread. Weight? I have no idea. Ask for a big chicken. And then you take one onion and cut off its hair and tail. Then you slice it from head to toe and fry it in oil. I don’t remember how much oil I put in. But the radius of the circle of the oil in the pan was about 4 cm. The pan? Haven’t you seen the pan in Rajesh's house? The one from the antique museum! heh heh The same one. So you fry the onion in oil till it is the shade of umm yes…tea. Then you cut a few green chilies in the stomach...don’t cut till head and toe okay? Then you put chilli powder and turmeric powder on the chicken and leave it for two hours. Actually that should be done before frying onions. So you fry onions after your chicken has soaked for two hours. But before that you must wash the chicken. No, not after soaking….before that. Then you take the soaked chicken and put in the fried onion with the green chilies. Mix nicely and cover with a lid. After about five minutes you put in one teaspoon salt and some lime juice and cover again. Then you take out the lid and look. If you see water then you increase the gas and make it evaporate. Be careful not to evaporate the chicken okay? After water is gone chicken is ready. What do you mean it is confusing you $@#$%*& idiot!"

It wasn’t the narration but my Dad's pained look that made me rofl. By the end of the recipe conversation he was giving my mom "that" look. Which means “Is this my son? Are you sure? 100%? Lock kiya jaye??"

My mom’s look said "Yeah and throw away the key!”

Have a nice week folks!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The devil is in the details

Venue – A conference room
Event - A video shoot
People present – A perky but dumb gal colleague who will give the intro to the video, a rather young Subject Matter Expert (SME) who will deliver the Technical Lecture after the intro.

And of course the owner of the program – yours truly with the camera man, director and other crew numbering three guys. This is a routine shot so yours truly walks out to get a coffee.

The shoot starts and the perky gal colleague steps up to the stage where the camera is focused and the lights come on. Gal gives her intro but the shoot director and SME ask for several retakes. Gal obliges, but more retakes are ordered. Finally, yours truly realizes that the shoot is taking too long and walks in to investigate and immediately zeroes into the problem due to her sheer intellect and brainpower and other big big words. Yours truly tells gal what was wrong with her intro and orders a remedy. Shoot progresses without a hitch and is canned.

The solution yours very brilliant truly recommended to the gal?

Wear a bra.

I detect a bright future for me in the Audio Video industry.

Happy week folks!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Oh My God!

There is this species of people I hate to loathing. They are the overly religious types that take the name of God in vain at the drop of a hat.

I was able to cross the road today. Thanks to Jesus I was safe.

I almost forgot to take my house key. But Jesus reminded me.

I was thrashed and swindled by my cousin. But Jesus will reward me for turning the other cheek.

A woman should stick on to her husband even if he kicks her, beats her, rapes her and takes her money. That is Gods way of testing her moral strength.

Got robbed? That is Gods way to remind you that you should go for Mass and pray to him to keep you safe.

Like God is an insurance agent!!

Ahem My name is God. May I speak to you for a minute?
#$%@!! No!
Suite yourself. But you do not know what you are missing!
What do you mean?

If you take my Heavenly Gold Cover Policy:

1. I will protect you in times of minor distress. This requires a premium of one Mass every week only.

2. For middle to larger distresses, you will have to pay a premium of three Rosaries everyday besides three conversions every week.

3. For Lifetime coverage you need to pay a premium of one Mass, three rosaries, one prayer meeting and one Bible thumping err preaching session everyday and also read the fine print about turning the other cheek AND following the Ten Commandment!

Anyways I got my revenge against one such repulsive creature err relative when she dropped in home with her brand new son-in-law.

Aundy: You know my son-in-law Johnny is such a religious boy!
Mom: That’s nice!
Aundy: Yes! He says the rosary everyday and goes for Mass everyday. And in the night, before he sleeps he reads the Bible.
Mom: That is such a nice habit Elsie!
Aundy: On their wedding night, he insisted on reading the Bible before errm I mean, he never misses the Bible before bedtime.
Me: Before what?
Aundy: Never mind!
Me: He read the Bible before what Aundy?
Aundy: Leelamme! Your daughter is getting too big for her boots!!
Mom: What to do Elsie! Today’s kids are incorrigible. Ignore her. ROTFL!!
Aundy: Hmmph! We have to leave!
Mom (wiping tears from her eyes) : Ha ha ha!I mean, bye! Ha ha ha!

For once!!! My mom laughed at my joke. Alleluia! It is a miracle! There is a God after all!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Apple picking

Dear inhuman person who took the apple from my desk,

I hate you!
I hope you rot in hell.
I hope you get indigestion.
I hope you have a bad day in office.
I hope your Boss kicks your butt.
I hope your GF/wife leaves you for a hunk of man.
I hope your PC/lappie crashes.
I hope you get a puncture.
I hope your hard drive gets erased.
I hope your parents disown you.
I hope you get stuck in the lift!

p.s. If you do not want all these things happening to you, replace my apple.

Whatay bad start to my day.

p.p.s. The person is not only inhuman. He is cruel too. He has thrown the apple pips in "my" trash bin. *sob*

Next time the apple left on my desk will be injected with something horrible. Be warned if you are reading this post you nincompoop!

Sunday, October 04, 2009

A moving story

So we are moving laptop locks, employee stock and barrel…to another building where it is hoped that we will shout, scream and talk at the top of our voices so that the genteel folks we leave behind may have some peace of mind to concentrate on bitching err work. Apparently the noise we used to generate led to several mis-communications like A who is seeing G, was heard as seeing T which is the same as far as we are concerned. But then we are the vermin of this company and our opinions do not count.

On Tuesday we were all told to report to this spanking new building, where another group of genteel people were seen gnashing their teeth and wailing “Why us God!!!” We ignored them of course. Vermin have no feelings. Pretty soon we were all assembled at the lobby waiting for Vijayan the protagonist of this post. Vijayan is our long suffering Facility Manager. I was the first person to step up to him when he came in.

Vijayan: What can I do for you?
Me: Any idea which side is Vailankanni Church?
Vijayan: hmm, that way I think.
Me: err what about Vatican?
Vijayan: ummm to that side I would say!
Me: Ahem…what about Mecca?
Vijayan: That way I suppose!
Me: errr Tirupati?
Vijayan: This side!
Me: Thank you! I will take that seat towards Tirupati. Religious reasons you know!
Vijayan: But…but aren’t you…
Me: Bye!

Next, it was the turn of Ranjeet Kapoor!

Ranjeet: Oye Vijayan! Which side is Bangkok heh heh
Vijayan (frostily): That way!
Ranjeet: What about that seat over there!
Vijayan: That faces a cemetery! :|
Ranjeet: I’ll take it! Spiritual reasons you see.
Vijayan: !!!

Next it was the turn of Venkat Subramaniam

Venkat: Vijayan…
Vijayan: Let me guess you want to know which side is Madurai Meenakshi temple right?
Venkat: No! I want to know if I can have that seat next to Ranjeet?
Vijayan (smirking): That faces the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Saints!
Venkat: Alleuia! I will take it.
Vijayan: Since when did you become a Mormon?
Venkat (hurrying off): Last offsite. Thanks and bye!

Ms Blah Blah is next.

Vijayan (Sarcastically): Let me guess, you want the seat facing a Church confessional.
Blah Blah: Which seat would that be?
Vijayan: The one next to Venkat.
Blah Blah: Thanks! I will take it. Vaastu reasons you see!
Vijayan: :-O

By the end of the day all 25 of us were seated on the far left corner of the building, diagonally opposite to the right corner of the building which is about 500 feet away from the cabin where the Boss sat. Nice. We did our high fives and felt pretty pleased with ourselves. In the evening when I was going home I overheard this conversation in the Boss’s cabin.

Boss: Vijayan, I was wondering if I could shift my cabin.
Vijayan: Sure Sir!! Which cabin do you want?
Boss: Any cabin facing a bunch of idiots?
Vijayan: *GRIN* But of course!!!
Boss: Thanks! I will take it. Feng Shui reasons you see!

It was a sad sad me that went home that day :(

p.s If any of my colleagues are reading this, please note that Monday movie stands canceled and Tuesday Biryani get together too. Wednesday Dart game is also canceled as well as Thursday Card game. Friday get together at Geoffreys is postponed to “after office” hours.

Have a nice week friends!