Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A knotty problem

Son, time for you to get married - said the Dad.
Gmphxl!!! - said M, the son.
How many times have I told you to remove that infernal Lollipop from your mouth when you are talking to me!!!
So I was saying that it is time you got married.
Hmmm why this sudden interest in my marriage? Let me reach 26, and then we will think about it.
You are right! If we start searching for a girl when you are 26, we can get you married by 36!
Suits me!

Yours truly is now recruited by the Evil Duo a.k.a. our parents to drum some sense, some emotional blackmail and some morbid philosophy into their second child’s head. I try my best.

How about settling down chets!
I am well settled kuts.
Not on the sofa cheta. I mean chose a girl and tie the knot.
What’s the purpose of tying the knot?
You can stay together, procreate, fight and then divorce.
Divorce! Hmm that sounds interesting!

Next, their eldest child is pulled out of his room where he was holding a deep intellectual conversation with his pillow. The Evil Duo give him the dirt and tell him to get cracking.

Da, achchan and amma want you to get married.
What do you think?
Bhy arr dey affer me allasuden?
Take that effing lollipop out of your mouth!
Sorry! I was saying, why are they after me all of a sudden?
Well…it will take some time for you to sift through your girlfriends and choose ‘The One’.
Choose one? Yikes! Does that mean I will have to give up the rest?
That’s the plan.
Ayye! Njan athra karan alla!!*

* Aiyyo! I am not an unfaithful guy !

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The name game!

So we have another new joinee in our office after Ms HR. The poor guy made the mistake of sitting with us for coffee yesterday.

Colleague: Hi! I am Srinivas.
New guy: Hello! I am Apuarv. (not his real name)
MK: Welcome to Dot Bust Corporation Apoorva!
Apuarv: Thank you and its ‘Apuarv’!
Srinivas: Appu Arv aa?
Apuarv: No it is A.p.u.a.r.v.!
Srinivas (clueless): Oh!
Apuarv: You can call me Apoorva if you want!
BV: What naaansense!! We will call you by your name wonly Apaarv!
Apuarv: Sure!
BV: So Apara, tell us about the origin of your name!
Apuarv: It is a mixture of two names actually.
BV: I think it means “Singular”
Apuarv: Singular would be the meaning of “Apurva” actually!
BV: It sounds funny too heh heh. My father-in-law the late Parameswara Ramaswamy Krishna Iyer used to say, that a name that has no meaning is like thair saadam (curd rice) without curds.
LS: Since when did you start quoting your FIL! I thought you hated him!
BV: Since he died. Now I was saying Arappa, we must find out the meaning of your name. I will do it tonight!
Apuarv: Sure Sir! Thank you!
BV: Back in the 70’s when I was a student at IITM, we used to make semiconductors manually…
Srinivas: Aiyyo! What has that got to do with this!
BV: I used to have a classmate called Kanghij. It turns out he was named thus to ensure that it resembled no ones name in his fathers and mothers family hahahahahaa!!!
Everyone: *silence*
BV: Aren’t you going to ask me why?
Everyone: NO!
BV (to new guy): What is your sister called?
Apuarv: Archana
BV: Thank god!
Apuarv: Heh! :(
BV (to all): So, I will come with the meaning tomorrow. I am sure it will be interesting to know what it means!
Everyone: *groan*

Apuarv doesn't sit with us anymore.

But lets look at the bright side here. BV drew a blank with the priest at his temple (who is a Sanskrit vidwan), about the meaning of the name “Arapa”. He swore today that he will find the meaning of the name “Apura” by next weekend or he will tonsure his head at Tirupati. We are crossing our fingers now. Hopefully we will be eating Tirupati Laddoos by next Monday! Yumm!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Customer delightware!

News has just come in that Microsoft has developed a new software that enables organizations to manage very large volumes of customer communication and feed backs. This will be of great help to organizations that receive lots of customer communication. The application receives, stores and queues incoming data in chronological sequence and then sends it at timed intervals to the customer support personnel for speedy reconciliation. This ensures that there is no loss of data and all customer communication is attended to.

Well isn't that peachy?

According to a MS spokesperson the new software has been a sell out with MS itself being the largest buyer followed closely by its dealers and call centers.

The new software is called "Customer Complaints 1.0" :-|

Heh heh...and before anyone here asks "hey what happened to you and your love for MS?" Let me reiterate I still like MS! :p

Have a nice week folks!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Talk to the wall!

Who says that India and Pakistan are not having a dialog? They are talking alright and it seems to be a long and fruitful dialog.

India: You have to act on terror now!
Pakistan: Give proof.
India: The proof is all there.
Pak: Give us more proof!
India: This is so tiring!
Pak: Give us proof!
India: Shut up already!
Pak: Give us proof!

India: *gasp* You have let off the prime suspect!
Pak: We don’t have sufficient proof!
India: But we gave you enough proof!
Pak: Give us more proof!
India: Do you want a blow by blow video!
Pak: Not enough proof!

India: We are highly disappointed by the Pakistani government’s inaction on this matter.
Pak: Our hands are tied! We do not have sufficient proof!

India: Look everybody. This country is doing nothing to stop terror!
World: Stop behaving like a petulant child and sort out this problem through peaceful dialog like two adults!!
Pak: Ready when you are India! :>

There is this Hindi saying “Laton ke bhoot baton se nahin mante!

But never mind!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Return to sanity

I am on my way back from Colombo to Bangalore. The aeroplane resembles a flying zoo. The guy next to me, a middle aged Buddhist pilgrim from Sri Lanka is eating paneer kofta curry mixed with gajar halwa. Oh well! I guess if we can make dahi vadas then why cannot he make a gajar halwa paneer kofta? To each his own I say! Next to him is his old mother wearing that lovely Sri Lankan saree. She has spooned the gajar halwa into her pulao and seems to be enjoying it very much. I call the stewardess and give her back my tray and ask for an air sickness bag. Must be the turbulence. After the meal the stewardess comes around with tea and coffee. I close my eyes as a precaution. When I open my eyes I see lots of open salt and pepper packets with the packets of sugar and creamer. Now I am feeling definitely squeamish.

I decide to read the Budget Analysis in the newspaper. Wrong move. Before I could say 'Holy Pranab', I was heaving into the Air Sickness bag. The proposed prices of some commodities were nauseating!!

Middle aged man was now looking at the aircraft safety instruction sheet. I was sure he could not do any thing squeamish with that. But I was wrong. He was showing it to his mom and both were trying to read the Hindi instructions. That’s when I realized that I was in the Twilight Zone. I remember my favorite episode of that ambiguous program called "To Serve Man". And I shudder.

Mama was now opening a packet of freshener with which she cleaned her spectacles assiduously. Her once clean spectacles now had a thin film of Cologne stain. Then she put on her spectacles and tried to read the In-flight Magazine. She gave up after some time. Her glasses were distinctly cloudy now. I was tempted to snatch the spectacles from her and clean it with a dry tissue. With great difficulty I refrained myself as she got up and stumbled onto seats, stewardesses and toes on her way to the toilet. I tried not to think of the carnage in the loo.

Middle aged man got up and went to fetch her. That’s when I saw that they were part of a big group going to Gaya. Everyone was asleep after the big meal of Paneer Kofta Gajar Halwa washed down with tea or coffee with pepper, salt, sugar and creamer. They were all volcanoes waiting to erupt. God save me when we make the landing approach…cos they had stuffed the cutlery and bottle of water into the air sickness bags!!!

I got up and quickly changed my seat. I was told that they had a trouble free landing. Next time I know what to tell people suffering from air sickness. Yes, you are right. It is Paneer Kofta Gajar Halwa washed down with tea or coffee mixed with pepper, salt, sugar and creamer with airline cutlery and bottle of water stuffed into air sickness bags!!

And before anyone here gets ideas, I am patenting this!

p.s. No offense meant to anyone please. Please refrain from giving me gaalis in Sinhalese.

Have a crackling and fun week folks!

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

A tuesday revelation

So everybody here is into the new week yeah! I am sure you all got out of bed in a jiffy and got ready with a smile on your lips and a song in your heart. Tuesday sure is a lovely day isn’t it? Tuesday means - only three more days to Friday!Nice!

I am looking forward to this week too. (The keyword is “this week” folks. I am no shallow work loving person.) There is a lot that is happening in office and I am not talking about work. We have several new people who have joined us and each one is a one man/woman entertainment show.

Last week a new HR executive joined us. In order to keep her busy and out of her hair, the HR Manager delegated her with the task of preparing a report on the comings and goings (a.k.a attendance record) of the people working here. After a week of intense study of the company Access Card data, she submitted her findings to the HR manager. It made a very umm interesting read and we came to know of some hitherto unknown fact about our colleagues.

According to the report…

1. My boss reported for work on the first day of work and after signing out in the evening has never come to the office again. HR Exec has recommended a missing persons report to be filed at the nearest police station.

2. Yours truly does not exist. She is yet to come to work. Perhaps her offer letter is pending.

3. Foxy has been living in this building for the past five years and the HR executive is very worried about him. No, she is not worried about his lack of time off. She is concerned that he may be working in the same clothes for the past five years.

4. The Marketing Managers in this organization come to work only for 30 minutes after which they sign out and go home.

5. The IT Architect comes to work some times but prefers to work in the Camera Control Room. (Note to self: He is till trying to find out who switches off his Servers! Damn!)

6. The only sign of life in this building are Visitors and Pizza Delivery boys, Juice Delivery boys and Cigarette delivery boys.

7. The only people who come to work in this building are Housekeeping Staff, Maintenance Staff, Security Staff and the catering people.

8. The company urgently needs to hire a CEO, COO, CTO and other top Management people. There is no evidence of the people hired for the job.

9. Ms. Blah Blah is the only person who comes to work in the morning and leaves in the evening. Considering the general trend in the office, HR Exec feels that Ms Blah Blah should be sent for a medical test to evaluate her abnormal behavior.

10. All male staff seem to enter and exit the Smoking Section of the Terrace frequently. But there is no record of them entering the building. This paranormal phenomenon occurs every one hour for some people, every two hours for some and every half an hour for the majority. HR Exec did try to solve the mystery but could not see much in the dense smoke.

I know what you all are thinking and I agree with you. That HR Executive should be fired!

And now for some good news! After the release of the report I was once again awarded The Tailgater of the Year Award. Thank you for the applause. I humbly acknowledge your admiration, appreciation, wonder, awe and absolute devotion!

Have a nice week folks!