Sunday, December 30, 2007

New Year Wishes!

Pix courtesy Corbis

I wish you Health...
So you may enjoy each day in comfort.

I wish you the Love of friends and family...
And Peace within your heart.

I wish you the Beauty of nature...
That you may enjoy the work of God.

I wish you Wisdom to choose priorities...
For those things that really matter in life.

I wish you Generosity so you may share...
All good things that come to you.

I wish you Happiness and Joy...
And blessings for the New Year.

I wish you the best of everything...
That you so well deserve.


~ Author Unknown to me ~

Sunday, December 23, 2007

We lived to tell the tale... hic

It is Sunday afternoon. Sundays are synonymous with Cocktails in my house. We are not exactly a family that likes cocktails. In fact we loathe it, at least the home made variety. But then we have no choice.

M (elder bro) : I am going to make cocktails today!!!
Dad to mom: Isn’t there any wedding in your family today? We can still make the flight if we leave now.
G (eldest bro) : I think I need to pick up some shirts urgently!
Me: I will accompany you!
M: Why?? Why should you accompany him?
G: Well someone has to hold the hangar when I am trying the shirts no!
M: Okay! I get it. I know what this is all about. All of you hate me. I am sure I was adopted. If I am such a burden I will move …
Dad: ok ok spare us the crap and we will drink your cocktail.
M (bowing graciously to hide the triumphant smile) : Thank you Monsieur Papa!
Dad: ^%$#&#&….

And thus we end up 'encouraging his budding hobby' every Sunday and sometimes Saturdays too, and a Monday a Tuesday and even some Wednesdays!! And on very frequently occurring rare occasions, Thursdays and Fridays too.

Of course the budding Cocktail Maestro doesn’t believe in using the umpteen books on Cocktails that we have given him as broad hints that his “loving supporting family” may soon become extinct due to Gastric Ulcer /Liver Cirrhosis/incessant puking/permanent loss of taste in the mouth etc if he doesn’t stop making his own concoctions. He feels that recipe books will kill his “natural talent”. The "budding hobby' is now three years old and refusing to bloom.

Here are some of the creations of the budding Cocktail Maestro, that I have carefully noted down after I have recovered from the really bad taste in the mouth. No, I am not going to make and drink it. But when the war of the worlds starts, I am certainly not counting on the Indian army to protect me with their antique weaponry. My brothers’ concoctions are deadlier than Molotov cocktails and very real, unlike Saddams WMDs.

Warning: Do not try this at home. And at no cost, drink it or serve to near and dear ones.

The M special:

One part Whiskey
Soda or water

Pour the water or soda over the Whisky, put your finger in and stir for a minute. Now remove the finger carefully to avoid spillage and taste the mixture with a thoughtful expression.

Put the very same finger in, stir again and repeat the rest of the process and serve with a flourish in a Crystal glass. Do not brook any arguments from your guests like “No thanks. Just remembered today is Hanuman pooja day and I cannot drink Whiskey!” or “Can I make my own and mix the cocktail with “my” own finger?”

As you all correctly guessed, the drink is so called because he is the special ingredient in it.

Nightmare on Elm street:

One part dark Rum
One part a slimy green liquid that looks like liquid green goo
One part home made brown goo from his highly secret recipe
A few drops of I don’t even want to know what it is but it looks like lizard juice
200 ml Cola

Mix ingredients in a cocktail shaker and serve with a flourish in the Cocktail shaker to Silverine. (Glasses are for guests silly) Look a trifle annoyed when she says “I have just turned teetotaler. I need your support in this"

As you all correctly guessed, this drink was named by yours truly.

The Goan Run: So called because he invented this drink in Goa and all his friends were running to the toilet after tasting this elixir. Expert tip from the creator “Goan Run is not for wussies”.

One part the bottle on your right
One part the bottle on your left
One part of the bottle under the chair
One part the carton in the fridge
One part anything else you can you can lay your hand on. (After Shave, Cologne etc excluded) Mix thoroughly.

Serve only to people who have not done the Goan Run before.

Suicide Bomber:

One part Beer
One part Rum
One part Whiskey
One part Brandy
Two part Chili Sauce
Tomato Juice to dilute
A sprinkling of Chili Flakes that you get free with Pizza
Anything else you get free with Pizza

Mix well.

Serve in a sturdy glass if the cocktail shaker hasnt exploded yet.

Winter Wonderland:

Two drops of edible blue color
One part Gin
250 ml chilled Sprite
A dash of lime
Crushed ice

Mix all ingredients together except the crushed ice and pour into a tall glass. Garnish with the crushed ice. This is the only decent cocktail he makes; hence you will never get to drink it. Reserved only for the creator.

Midsummer Night:

One part Vodka
One part gooey Raspberry syrup
One part yucky Litchi crush
One sneaky part Whiskey if no one is looking
And since no one ever looks since it makes them nauseous: One part Gin
50 ml chilled Sprite

Mix well and serve with a spoon as it will be too thick to sip. Call ambulance if people are still puking after two hours.

The Raman Effect:

This drink was made in honor of best buddy Raman, who left for New York some time back. Helped the childhood buddies fight parting blues and sing off key in high shrill voices and recall fondly the day they ended up in the slammer.

Half a bottle Scotch
Bottoms up!

That’s it folks. This is my last post for this year. I leave you with a ponderous quote from our very own, home grown Cocktail Maestro.

“Alcohol is not injurious to health. Have you ever seen a bottle of alcohol kill anyone?”


Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a New Year full of joy, career fulfillment, obscenely high salary hikes, an unbelievably good boss and last but not the least, good health to enjoy all that! See you all in 2008!! :)

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Sandwich anyone?!

Covering your cleavage is like wearing burqa!”

Now if you people think that I have finally flipped it, then you are wrong. I haven’t. I flipped it long time back. This is my unmedicated run before those NIMHANS guys catch up with me.

I was at this dinner yesterday to celebrate my pal and her BF's second "Seeing-each-other-across-a-crowded-room-and-eyes-meeting" anniversary. The BF picked me up first and then we proceeded to my friends place to pick her up. My friend lets call her SD was waiting at the doorstep in a slinky black outfit that showed a decent amount of her cleavage. Decent as in 'decent' and not "indecent" if you know what I mean. The BF looks at her in eye-balls popping out kinda horror, composes himself, forces a smile and tells her in mock unseriousness that her neck line was a trifle low. My friend, who mistook his mock unserious look and presumed that he was cool with it, replied rather flippantly that she liked to live dangerously. Yours truly in the meantime was forgotten by the 'much-in-love-but-now-teetering dangerously-on-the-verge-of-a-split-up' couple. I knew what was coming and I wished I was at home listening to Cecily aunty talk about her varicose veins.

Back to the scene of action. BF explained with mock affection that he didn’t want other men ogling at his GF's assets. GF countered with a stiff smile that if he had no problem with people looking at her face then why would he have problems with people looking at her cleavage?

BF looked like he would bust a blood vessel but managed to give an 'I-am-ok-with-it-but-I-am-just-making-an-observation' kinda look….though rather unsuccessfully. Back in the rear seat, I dreamt of going out for dinner with friends who are not that close to you and will hence refrain but picking up a fight till 'you' have been dropped home after the dinner. It is then the realization dawned upon me that I have far too many close friends and not too many not-so-close friends.

[Note to self: What happened to your last years resolutions of making not-so-close friends ???]

BF turned around to me for help and knowing from experience that none will be forthcoming, pleaded with me to keep my mouth shut. GF who was still standing outside the car of course didn’t hear his appeal. Neither did I.

GF slid in with a dangerous glint in her eyes. She was beginning to get a trifle suspicious that BF was a rabid moralist. Her guard was up and she was getting defensive. I groaned partially with hunger and partially due to the fact that I was very hungry.

A ‘friendly’ argument ensued which I tried to close as soon as possible due to my growing hunger for food and some peace and quite. But the spark of an argument was lit and there was no turning back.

She: I am glad I got to see a new aspect to your personality today.
He: It's not like that!!!
Me: I am hungry!
She (looking thoughtful) : Maybe I should have started showing a little cleavage in the beginning of our acquaintance itself. Would have saved me two years of trouble!
He: It' not like that sweety
She: Stop calling me sweety!
Me: I am hungry!
She (looking more thoughtful) : Maybe I should buy a burqa.
He: Now you are blowing this out of proportion!
She: Why don't you tint your car windows black?
Me: I am very hungry.
He: Ok…I am sorry. I shouldn’t have bought this issue up at all.
She: Shall I put some curtains over my boobs? Why should people see it jutting out!
Me: The upholstery looks rather yum!
He: Can we forget this please!!! Let’s go for dinner. Anju must be starving.
Me: Thank you *sob*
She: I think Anju and I will get down, just like that and have dinner at home.
He: Fine!! Do what you want.
She (sweetly) : Thank you. Anju lets go. You can make us an omelet.
Me: Sure! Making an omelet is so easy. First we will go buy a gas cylinder, then a gas stove, then some pans, eggs, pepper, salt...oh yes. I forgot! Ze most important ingredient of all. Matchbox!!!

I am back home folks, after a dinner of Fanoos rolls, Vodka and Orange Juice, Vodka and Peach Crush (ugh) , Vodka and Sprite and Vodka and Tomato Juice (when everything else ran out) accompanied by GF cursing BF and the both of us cursing global warming, George Bush, the price of Revlon Cosmetics, the Indian electorate, Bata shoes, traffic jams, Mondays, PMS and narrow minded men in general.

But the silver lining on this dark cloud is that “I am home for breakfast”. Yay!!

About my first statement….swolpa adjust maadi and forget about it. It was made under extreme hunger conditions.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

A few good men...

Tis a few weeks before Christmas and all through the house not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse. (Well… that’s because the neighbor’s stupid cat is a champion mouser.) The house is empty save for the noise of my keyboard tap tapping away. My mom is out for a prayer meeting. The prayer meeting is for a departed soul, but I know she will cheat and pray that I get some sense into my head. Dad is out for an achayan get-together. One bro is out of town and the other is out cold....with a hangover. So technically, I am alone in the house with my doggies. The baby squirrel has flown the coup….sob

Usually an empty house makes me feel like an orphan and I go all teary eyed and feel very sorry for myself. But today I am in an introspective mood. So I will go teary eyed and feel sorry for myself after I have written this post.

Since the time I have started working I have resigned twice. I lasted approximately three months in my first job.

HR: What!! You have resigned???
Me: err… I hope the resignation letter doesn’t convey anything else!
HR: Why have you resigned?
Me: I don’t want to work here anymore.
HR (irritably): That I know. But why have you resigned?
Me: Like I told you before, I don’t want to work here anymore.
HR (trying not to shout): And why don’t you want to work here any more?
Me: Because I don’t like this place.
HR (kindly): This is your first job dear?
Me: Yes :(
HR: What I am trying to ask is, why are you unhappy here?
Me: Because I cannot finish the tasks assigned to me.
HR: Why? What’s coming in the way of your work?
Me: Well…I am finding it hard to finish one brochure a month…
HR: Only one brochure!! And you say that it is a difficult thing to do??
Me: And the 14 Print ads
HR: What?!
Me: and 34 Web banners…
HR: err…
Me: And 4 Flash Presentations….
HR: Well…
Me: And the 24 Product Specifications Leaflets
HR: *squirm*
Me: and the 5 Events per month, the Managers Speech at the events, presentations, letter to the stake holders, website content writing…besides the monthly Internal newsletters, Channel Newsletter, Dealer Newsletter, ….
HR: %$^#&#& who is your manager???!!!

I don’t know what happened after that. But I am sure the Manager got a good ticking off from the HR. Serves him right too!!

HR: How can you drive away such a juicy bakra?????
Manager: *gulp* I am sorry. I guess I got too carried away and over utilized her. It was kinda nice to see her working 20 hours a day. I think it was my latent tendency to sadism. I should have curbed it I know but….
HR: This is a grave indiscretion from your side!!! As a manager of this organization you are supposed to make the bakra feel like a “valuable resource”!!!! You made her feel like a *gasp* bakra!!! Shame on you!!!
Manager: *sob*
HR: I am afraid I will have to escalate this to the VP- Human Resources!
Manager (falling at her feet and breaking down): *bawl* Please forgive me. I promise I will never make a bakra feel like a bakra again!!
HR: Say “Pretty please”
Manager: Pretty pleeeeease.
HR: “With a cherry on top!”
Manager: With a $%#^# cherry on top!!
HR: Now kiss my boots!!
Manager: *muuuaah*
HR: You are forgiven this time!! Now stop groveling man and go interview the potential bakras I have lined up for you.
Manager: %$^#&# err I mean thank you!

Like I said “serves him right”

I think the necessary qualities of being a Manager, is the art of deception. The art of making your subordinate feel like a dimwit-you-erroneously-consider-very-clever. Now that must sound confusing to most people. But 'successful managers' as opposed to 'good managers' are adept in the art of convincing their subordinates, that they are no good and that they i.e their Manager is not aware of this fact. This keeps the subordinate on their toes and the manager happy. A win win situation for the manager and a win win situation kinda feeling for the employee. I am sure there is an Institute where Managers enroll to learn about the finer aspects of man management.

Professor: And now class, how do you make your subordinate work 18 hours days and still feel guilty that he is not putting in enough???
Managerial Student 1: I would congratulate him on his good performance and hint that he can do better!
Professor: Excellent!!!! And how do you induce cut throat competition in your team???
Managerial Student 1: By meeting each team member separately and telling them they have more potential than the next guy??
Professor: Bravo!!!! I am so proud of you!
Managerial Student 2: Sir, I beg to differ. I think a good manager should acknowledge his subordinate when he is doing well and help him do better if he is not upto the expectations.
Professor: Horrors!!! Whoever gave you admission into this Institute???
Managerial Student 2: But Sir….
Professor: I am afraid you do not have it in you to be a good manager. You are a bad influence on the other students too. We will have to remove you from our rolls. Goodbye son!

Sound of a resounding *THUD* as two hefty men throw Managerial Student 2 out of the Institute gate.

Guess people like him joins the ranks of Managers who come up the hard way through hard work, building responsive interpersonal relationships, good finance sense, team building, recognizing and rewarding good work and improving morale of slackers and leadership through example. May their tribe increase and join the ranks of my last boss and present boss. Amen! I dont feel so sorry for myself!

Friday, December 07, 2007

Cometh the hour, cometh the man!

It is a wet ,foggy, cold and gloomy Friday morning in Bangalore. A weather that can dampen the most cheerful disposition to depression. But every cloud has a silver lining they say. So true!

I step out of the house to hear this conversation between my Dad and his driver when they discover that the cars music system remote was stolen. This happened when the driver took the car home to have his breakfast and refuelling.

Dad: I wonder who would take the remote!!
Driver ( confidently): I know saar!!!
Dad (brightening up): Really! Who????
Driver: It was a thief saar!!! I am 100% sure of that!!! @#%$ Rascal!!!

I dont know what was funnier...the expression on my Dad's face or the drivers brilliant deduction!

Have a great weekend everyone!!