Friday, February 24, 2006

Acid rain

Ifitellyaiwillkillya tagged me and I'm it. The task: to create a work of fiction or fact of around 100-200 ( 300-400 will do too)words using these words: I, me, blowjob, grapes, random, power, loneliness, water, robot, and blue.
*****

It was exactly three months since Kumar’s death. I was done with the weeping and mourning. There were no more tears left. I tried not to think of the cemetery on the hill where he was laid to rest on that cold and blue London morning. We had come to London when Kumar had been offered a job as Plant Manager at the Smithson Chemical Plant. Two months after he joined work, a short circuit in the power line led to an explosion at the plant. Kumar went into a coma after inhaling the poisonous vapors and breathed his last three months ago.

The past three months I had lived liked a robot. But today was another day and some unseen power tugged at me. I found myself walking towards St Peter’s. I stopped on the way at Kellys, the florist. Kumar often picked a bunch of tulips for me whenever he had some extra money. He always said that he loved to see the look on my face when I saw the flowers. It was like a mental blowjob he joked.

I picked out a bunch of tulips at random, trying to ignore Mr. Green’s kind and concerned gaze. Mr. Green was a widower with no children. This business helped kill the loneliness of his comfortable yet desolate apartment. He had led the fight against the Chemical plant that secured the compensation amount.

At last I was done with the flowers. Mr. Green sprinkled some water on them and packed them up. He pressed a small paper packet into my palms. It was California Grapes!! How I enjoyed them when Kumar could afford to buy me some. I smiled through the tears at Mr. Green. His eyes darkened. "Nothing will bring him back, but we are with you dear."

I ran blindly towards the cemetery tears streaming down my face. Scores of sympathetic eyes followed me. The towns people had stood as one in my fight against Smithsons. I stumbled into the cemetry and saw a figure standing near Kumar's grave. He must have sensed my presence because he turned and said, "Have you got the money?"
"Yes, all One Million Pounds." I whispered panting.
"Well...we did it Doc." he said his face inscrutable.
"Yes we did it Kumar." I answered my face equally inscrutable.

******

I hereby knight Anoop Mohan Kumar,Ganja Turtle,Jagan and Geo. Arise you are hereby tagged.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Hair Racing ideas!

Disclaimer: Guys reading this post may experience uncomfortable pressure, pain in the center of the chest lasting more than a few minutes besides chest discomfort with lightheadedness, fainting, sweating, nausea or shortness of breath and feeling of impending doom. Read at your own risk.

Saturday dawned bright and sunny and I am greeted by the lovely sound of chirping birds and a peculiar whine, which sounded awfully like a cross between a Dentist’s drill and a constipated Bumble Bee. Very penetrating. Upon inspection I found that it was actually the sound of a puke green colored car that my brother was driving over a barren landscape grievously injuring many other motorists on his computer monitor. By now everyone knows I don’t like treeless landscapes and this place where he was driving this car really needed some urgent landscaping. Apart from some Palm trees (ugh they grow in deserts) and endless asphalt roads there was nothing else to see on the monitor. I casually ask my brother why there were no gardens or pretty lakes next to the road where he is driving this ugly looking contraption. "SILENCE"

As a kid my Dad told me something that I will remember for a long time. He said: “If your brother doesn’t listen to you, press the 'Escape' key on his keyboard.” He even showed me the 'Escape’ key. I think I learnt E.S.C.A.P.E before A.B.C.D.E.F. Since then I have won many wars and arguments by merely threatening to press the 'Escape’ key.

Me: Give me your cell phone*
Brother: Over my dead body
Me: (making a buzzing noise and moving finger towards 'escape' key)
Brother: Ok, ok, take it grrrrrrrrr

(* can be replaced by money, CD’s, pens, you name it you will get it)

So I press the ‘Escape’ key, the game comes to a halt and I get a split second look of utter disbelief before he resumes his zombie like gaze into the monitor. ( Jeez what did I do wrong????)

After staring at the dreary scenery of the “Lets mangle and kill each other I” game it dawned on me suddenly why we girls are not so much into PC games. No self-respecting girl will feel like driving in such tasteless surroundings. However... if you were to only put in tree lined avenues, flowers and trees and perhaps a fountain or two then you might actually get girls interested in the game. We wouldn’t mind a couple of gamboling deers or squirrels too. Of course there will be minus points if you run them over. Better still, the player who runs over the deers or drives into the garden destroying the flowers will be debarred from life to play a PC game, playstation or video game. What a brilliant idea!

I press the 'Escape' key once again and tell my brother the brilliant idea. There is sheer murder in his eyes. (What did I do wrong now??? )

Now that I think about it even the cars in Need for Speed can be spruced up and made more interesting. At present they look positively ugly. Period. No self respecting girl will drive a car that has Pennzoil and Goodyear written all over them. Why not make the cars look snazzy with some bright colors? How about Summer Reds, Meadow Greens, Sunshine Yellows and Aquamarine Blues in the “Lets mangle and kill each other 2”? The cars will look so pretty. And how about some pretty designs on the cars like floral motifs, random brush strokes of bright colors, colorful speckles etc. My car would definitely have my doggie’s face painted on it.

I press the 'escape’ key once again to tell him about this stroke of genius. If looks could vaporize I would be an atom by now.

I mentally make a note of exploring the profession of a Virtual Games Designer. I am sure it has potential. I press the ‘Escape’ key once again and tell my brother my path breaking idea and get another split second and a half look of pure terror like that moment before I dented his bike with the car. Don’t judge him too harshly. He has this important job of finishing this lap in 75695375 microseconds you see or his team members will vault across the monitor and clobber him.

I am right now in the process of writing to these game manufacturers with my visionary ideas. All you guys there get ready for some colorful and interesting editions of future Virtual games.

p.s. Any of you guys feeling the symptoms I have described in the disclaimer may please hurry to the nearest hospital These are classic symptoms of a Heart Attack.



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Anyone who would like to help lil handicapped kids please click here ~ Silverine

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Reigning Men

A new government took charge in the State recently. The new Chief Minister has reassured worried Road Contractorsgalu that road works will begin soon. Mr K Kowda the President of the Road Contractors Association of Karnataka whose net worth is reported to be around 100 crores said that the stoppage of all road works in the past two years had hit the contractors very hard. Many of them were now living under the poverty line of 25 cores, which is even worse than the conditions of contractors in Bihar. The pathetic condition of contractors has made International headlines when the Washington Post reported: “Bangalore roads? Whatiteez?”

Struck by poverty and extreme hunger for money many contractors have resolved to kill themselves by drinking a bottle of Blue Label every hour. Speaking on behalf of the association Mr Kowda told a Press conference “hic”.

The new CM had to personally intervene to avert this tragedy of hepatitanic proportions. Better sense prevailed after the CM assured them that road work will start immediately. To help the impoverished contractors the CM assured them that roads under 10 mm thickness will be accepted by Government Inspectors for a small ‘conversion fee’. The contractors have since gone back to drinking a bottle of Blue Label a day.

Soon after taking over the Gaddi the new CM noted that the Treasury of the highest VAT earning State in India was absolutely empty save for a few shovels and a wheelbarrow that was found inside the treasury room. He immediately asked each of his ministers to donate the loose change in their pocket to replenish the treasury. Soon after, a Press Release from the CM’s office said, "the Karnataka Treasury Funds have just exceeded the Central Govt. Treasury".
The CM is reportedly very happy with the event and declared at a Press Conference, “I am so happy!”

The Corporator’s Association has expressed happiness at the sweeping changes in the land laws proposed by the new CM. A spokesperson said, “The new laws will generate more revenues er... avenues. Citizens can get the Fine Rates for different land violations by SMS’ing B.R.I.B.E to 4200.”

Meanwhile a sub division of the Road Contractors Association, the Pothole Contractors Association has decried the government’s move to accept roads that are 10 mm thick. While speaking to reporters, a spokesperson for the association said, "Such thick roads will deprive us of our daily bread". When asked by a reporter what he meant by that statement, the spokesperson said, “Mind your own business”.


An association of employees of the RTO, BDA and other government departments met the CM and complained about the work disruption in government offices due to the Lok Ayukta raids. The CM firmly stood his ground and said that his promise of more powers to the Lok Ayukta stands. However for the smooth running of the government offices the CM has decreed that the Lok Ayukta will now have to give its schedule of raids in advance. A spokesperson of the Employees Union declined to comment when quizzed by reporters and instead showed his middle finger to the camera man of Karnataka Times, a widely read daily, rumored to be read even by the Lok Ayukta Chief.

And for the last bit of news. The CM attended a high level State Cabinet meeting to kick start the Bangalore Infrastructure Rejuvenation Programme, however no resolution could be passed, as he was the only attendee. In a press conference after the meeting, he told reporters “hmph”.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Things I love to hate!

I have been tagged by Supremus. I have to list the things that makes me annoyed enough to go grrrrrrrr. So here's my hit/hate list!


1. People who spit on the road ( for gods sake other people have to walk, not wade)

2. Guys who look for Trophy Wife/Girlfriend

3. I hate people who judge others by looks alone. (Facial skin doesn’t impress me)

4. People without a sense of humor.

5. I hate apathy of any kind.

6. People who have no concern for the Environment.

7. Poachers.

8. Religious bigots.

9. People who are cruel to animals.

10. People who don’t care for their parents or aged.

11. People who cut down trees.

12. Hypocrites.

13. Liars.

14. Gossipers and rumormongers.

15. Guys and gals who cheat on their boyfriends and girlfriends.

16. People who make fun of South Indians.

17. NRI’s who complain and grumble about India.

18. Show offs and Pseudos.

19. Politicians.

20. The ISI (Yeah the paki baddies).

21. People who litter and people who use plastic bags.

22. Guy’s wearing ear rings.

23. Low waist jeans.

24. The ever growing shanties in the Nilgiris.

25. Builders who ravage green lands and do not plant trees around the buildings.

26. Treeless landscapes.

27. Wasting water.

28. People who litter.

29. Guys who behave like complete jerks in the movie theater during romantic scenes.

30. Guys who pass lewd comments at girls.

31. Hot weather / Summer

32. People who place their religion, caste, creed or State above the nation.

33. Companies that use pet bottles for their products but do not collect them back for recycling.

34. Foreign MNC’s who pay scant regard to the laws in India they are so careful about abroad.

35. Our outdated laws and education system.

I am supposed to pass on this tag. And the lucky ones are Mind Currry, Alexis Leon,Deepa, Praveen, doctor pissed, Arti Honrao.



HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!

Friday, February 10, 2006

Some Facts and Figures

Disclaimer: This is another rant about Income Tax. So anyone who is fed of this topic may please get back to your auditor and PAY THOSE TAXES!!!!


You know you are an Income Tax asessee when:

1. You save the whole year to tide over the year-end salary cut.

2. You are on first name basis with Medical Shop owners.

3. Medical Shop Owners stop stocking medicines and start making profits by selling you Medical Bills.

4. You read up on "Acne/coarse hair/oily face/appraisal frustrations/homicidal tendencies towards Manager" etc. and research the medicines available in the market for it and then give the list to the pharmacist to include in your medical bill.

5. Medical Shop Owners hate you.

6. You ask the accountant if the accessory you bought for your bike can come under ‘Educational Expense’.

7. You ask the accountant advice on Tax loopholes.

8. The accountant hates you.

9. You make sure you make Rs.XYZ worth of calls ONLY because you are allowed only so much in reimbursement.

10. You go to bookstores browse for books related to your profession and leave without purchasing anything after you have written down names and price of books.

11. Book shop owners hate you.

12. You know railway and airfares by heart. You start giving advice for a small fee to people on the most complicated and tortuous route to take according to their LTA.

13. Railway reservation clerks grin when they see you and enquire when you will be back for the cancellation when you go to buy a ticket.

14. Indian Railways love you. Your cancellations fees help make their loss figures a little less damning. (Please note Mr. Chidambaram)

15. Your landlord stops working and starts living off the 50% share he gets from the hiked rental bill he gives you every month.

16. Landlords look on you as a Retirement Scheme. (Please note this too Mr. Chidambaram)

17. Your wallet has more Bills than Bills (notes).

18. You tell your Investment Consultant that you want to invest exactly Rs.XYZ as that is the magic figure you need to avoid the Tax axe.

19. You check if you have paid interest on that Dinner Set/Gas Stove/Iron etc you bought by paying in EMI.

20. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that your salary doesn’t get deducted at source.

21. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that flight to Dubai as “Business related travel expense”

22. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that six figure telephone bills as “Business related calls”.

23. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show all your food bills as “Business Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner etc.”

24. You realize Entrepreneurship is too much of a hassle and you rather sit in your comfy office and be sure of a salary at the end of the month. But you still hate Taxes.

25. You have a hunted look at the close of the financial year.

26. You blog and make fun of the IT Department with posts like this and this.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Intaxication

I am a severely Income Challenged person (both horizontally and vertically) and if there is any provision for exemption of Income Tax for such a handicap please do let me know ASAP. I desperately need to know because last week, I got a mail from our Finance Manager asking me to submit proof of investments or else Income Tax, the size of India’s fiscal deficit would be deducted from my intern stipend. Now, I love my country, Jai Hind and Bharath Mata Ki Jai and all that blah, but I simply cannot support this country on my meager stipend alone. (well, that is what they tell you in those IT Dept. ads that is peppering the newspaper these days. "You" are responsible for the roads, "You" are responsible for the progress of the country. “You” of course means the earning class a.k.a. as the cash cow class.)

Now my CEO earns in figures that slightly exceeds the GNP of the country, the FM’s gross salary is rumored to equal the total budget of Nagaland while HR reportedly takes home his salary in a truck which led to the collapse of one over bridge, one flyover and a Highway Weigh Bridge. However we, the common folk of this company have no such luck. We carry our salary home in a customized chillar kaas pouch embossed with company logo.

After listening to my ranting and grumblings for one whole second the company accountant gave me an address and showed me the accounts department door.

12:30 pm and I find the address given to me by my accountant. It is a rather nondescript office and a Mr. Mani meets me at the door. He introduces himself as the "PR Manager" for the IT Dept, Karnataka Circle. I am ushered into his office and seated in a Godrej chair while Mr Mani himself sits at his Godrej Premium chair and looks at me with a beatific smile. Something tells me that he was born with this smile. I tell Mr Mani my problems of supporting an entire nation with my meager salary. His smile never wavers.

Mr. Mani: Ah, Miss! Do you know what the government does with the tax it collects from you?
Me: Pay your salary?
Mr. Mani: Yes...er I mean No!! Did you know that because of the false bill you gave for the book "Communication for Donkeys" the government was unable to retar and repair 65,569km of National Highways, 1,31,899km of State Highways 4,67,763km of Major District roads and 26,50,000km of Village roads???
Me( shocked): Really ?!?!?!
Mr. Mani: Yes, we had to dip into the "Garibi Hatao" fund to complete the job to the Contractor’s Association’s satisfaction.
Me: But where are the roads?
Mr. Mani (quickly): We had just enough money to do up the existing roads but not enough to fill up the potholes. As you can see the roads around the potholes is world class!
Me: But...but...
Mr. Mani(cutting in smoothly): And for those false medical bills you gave for treatment of "IT induced heartburn", the government was unable to equip and run 457599 government hospitals and clinics. To meet the shortfall we had to send a Secretary level delegation to Bangkok and Phuket to gather the necessary funds.
Me (shocked): Oh my gawd!!!
Mr. Mani ( emphatically): Exactly! And for that fake conveyance voucher you submitted for traveling to "IT Related Stress Disorder Clinic" last month, the government was unable to fill the 4545955 potholes in the city! Now we have to buy all the Ministers a Scorpio each so that they do not break their back on the way to their offices to serve selfish people like you.
Me(breaking down): Oh noooooooo!
Mr. Mani: The Telephone bills you submitted for 800 calls to an "IT Psychologist" put paid our Airport Expansion plans because of which a ministerial delegation had to be convened at Hawaii to discuss the situation and find a solution.
Me (eyes brimming with tears): I am so ashamed of myself.
Mr. Mani: Remember that manipulated LTA bill to "Cherrapunji" you submitted this year?
Me (sobbing): Yes?
Mr. Mani: 56758449 poor kids had to go hungry because of that! Our honorable ministers had to skip ONE luncheon at Oberoi Towers to fund the Free Meal Scheme 2005 to avoid the embarrassment to the government.
Me (breaking down): I am a bad girl.Waaaaah
Mr. Mani (soothingly): There, there. Don’t be too harsh on yourself dear. Drop a donation for the IT Dept. retirement fund on your way out. You will feel much better. And don’t be a defaulter anymore.
Me: * sniff * Ok. Bye Sir.
Mr. Mani: By the way the SUV that your Uncle in Changanachery bought is a good selection. I particularly like its 3000cc inline-four that develops 114 bhp at 3000 revs and over 30 kgm of torque between 1600 and 2000 rpm. And that three bedroom first floor apartment your cousin purchased in Muvattupuzha was a good buy indeed. Personally I think your aunty in Kochi invested very wisely in that Estate in Munnar. Coffee prices are doing well and she will be able to complete the construction of her fourteen bedroom bungalow very soon!
Me: Whaaaat? How do you know all this?
Mr. Mani (beatific smile in place): Goodbye dear. Happy New Fiscal Year 2005-2006.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

I dare to dream

Some of my friends who thought they would finally get to see my dreams man’s profile were disappointed with my last tag though they quite liked the spirit behind it. Alexis even pointed out that I had evaded the question all together. So I will take up the tag again and this time, try and list the things I want in my Perfect Lover.
To be frank, I have absolutely no clue to the personality traits that I want in my Perfect Lover. I rarely noticed guys since I studied in all girls educational institutions throughout my life. Besides I was too busy doing the things single gals do to even think of a boyfriend. However I will give a shot at what I expect in my perfect lover.

So here it is redone for P , V and Alexis


Rules of the game are...

1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.

Sex of the target :
Male

MY PERFECT LOVER (PL)

1. My Perfect Lover(PL) will have a sense of humor. He will understand that I like to look at the funny side of life. It’s not like I am frivolous, but don’t expect me to sit and moan if I had a bad day at office. I prefer to forget unpleasant incidents or remove myself from unpleasant situations and get on with life as soon as possible.

2. My PL will be a person I can sit and talk with for hours. He will enjoy talking to me and listening to me as much as I enjoy talking and listening to him. Shut me out of the conversation and you shut me out of your life. (Communication is very important to me.)

3. My PL will be able to tell me if I have hurt him in any way and also if I have made him happy in any way. I will do the same. I like to appreciate and be appreciated. (And if he doesn’t tell me what I have done to piss him off I cannot rectify it, can I?)

4. My PL will not expect me to be a ‘wife’ in the traditional sense. He will want me as a life partner and not housekeeper, cook, and babysitter. However if he helps out 50% of the time, I am willing to do all that. (I believe that it takes two active participants to make a relationship.)

5. My PL will understand that I have a family and friends I care deeply about. He will be the most important person in my life but my folks will not be any less. I on my part am willing to accept that his family and friends are important to him too. (I beieve that freedom within a relationship is important).

6. I am a one man woman and I expect him to be a one woman man too. (Fidelity is the foundation on which relationships are built).

7. I have hobbies/interests that will take me away from station/home from time to time. He should be broadminded enough to accept it.(In short I need space to grow. And I am willing to accept that he will also have interests or hobbies that he would like to pursue)

8. I am a very demonstrative person in showing my love and affection so my Perfect Lover will be demonstrative too. He will not be reticent and will not mind the unexpected bear hugs and stolen kisses that will come his way very often.